Hi, I'm new here and struggling with not being a co-dependent enabler for my dual diagnosis daughter. I know there are steps, but how do I find them? Where do I begin? I'd like to jump right in and learn as much as I can to try to make this horrific pain and devastation become less intense. I'd really like to survive what I'm going through. Any direction would be appreciated.
JerryF said
Sep 11, 2020
Friedmom welcome to the board and good for you that you reached right out and was honest and asked for help. This is an Al-Anon board and while we are not program approved we are made up with and contributed to by membership from all over. Al-Anon covers the planet so you are not alone and all of us contribute widely to the recovery of each other. Are stories are different and widely the same as you read and compare what we have gone thru along with yours.
I was born and raised within the disease of chemical addictions mostly alcoholism and have been affected by not only the drinkers and users in my life but also the behaviors, thoughts and actions of others attached to my up bringing. Our recovery is based on the practice of the 12 steps and traditions, of our program and the use of our tools like literature, meetings, the Experience, Strength and Hopes of others who attend recovery with us and more but not all the relations we form with a power greater than ourselves and sponsors.
No one learns this recovery program over night therefore we practice daily and constantly which results in my getting my peace of mind and serenity back whether the alcoholic continues to drink and/or use.
Please stick around and read the ESH other members will bring forward. Listen, learn and practice, practice, practice. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
Freetime said
Sep 11, 2020
Welcome, Friedmom! You are in the right place ... or one of the right places for recovering from the effects of someone else's drinking. You are not alone, and there is hope. I am so glad you are ready to jump right in. That's how I felt, too. By jumping into Al-Anon, I gradually emerged from the feeling that I was drowning in my troubles.
Here on this board we can share what we've done, what worked and didn't work for us. I have found this forum a great supplement to Al-Anon meetings, as I can come here any time of the day or night. You will soon see other members here chiming in. That's what we do.
Maybe a place to start is Detachment -- an important Al-Anon principle that is not easy to do but worth the effort. Just something to think about.
Before I share the link to the Twelve Steps, I just want to say it's a process. It's one day at a time. For me, it was not quick but it has been highly effective. Finding an Al-Anon group is highly recommended, and from there you should be able to find a sponsor to guide you through the steps of recovery. There are electronic and phone meetings. There is also a Step Work board here, and although it's not very busy, you might find help there. I used it in working some of my steps. You have to register separately on that board.
And here are the Twelve Steps -- just to think about. It might seem like a huge mountain to climb, but that's why there are steps -- we just take it one at a time.
Keep coming back!
-- Edited by Freetime on Friday 11th of September 2020 11:01:57 PM
Friedmom said
Sep 11, 2020
Thank you both for your encouragement and guidance here. I will click on the links. Detachment seems like a GREAT place to start! Boy, do I need to learn THAT!
Maresie888 said
Sep 11, 2020
I an glad you are here
I.do not like the term enablers.
For ne alcoholics trigger trauma from my childhood.. THose triggers which I.wear on my.sleeve cause ne to spiral into emotional states that are very difficult to process
One issue I have been processing is my qualifier (that is the relationship that caused ne to join al anon) dekiberately went out of hus way to ounish and hurt me.
I had similar issue recently when I stayef with an alcoholic roommate. At one poimt when I was ill he dimoed all over.me
Bullying is his middle name.
Coming to terms with that kind if behavior especially bitter mendacious hirtful behavior is extremely painful.
I know that al.anon can help you wherevwr you are in this process. I.have been in this oarticular group long term
This is s safe place a grear place and one wgere you can be homesr about where you are at.
Welcome
Maresie
DavidG said
Sep 12, 2020
Hi Mom... I am one of the regular members here. DavidG. Hi, and welcome... ...
Enigmatic said
Sep 12, 2020
Hi FM, welcome and glad you are here
I found AlAnon after I had tried every strategy and tactic I could, and after being unsuccessful in all of them. I was maxed out emotionally, stressed, sad, resentful, and without hope for the alcoholic in my life. I was a little leery of any kind of 'program', and certainly anything that had any mention of a 'higher power' who some choose to call 'God'. But it was my last resort and I took it.
After brief online research to assure myself that the only requirement was to have someone in my life whose drinking concerned me, I attended a face to face meeting. The things I heard clicked, I realized there was hope.
I believe in going to the source material to learn a new topic, so I began reading more about how AlAnon works in Paths to Recovery: AlAnon's Steps, Traditions, and Concepts. This was an immense help, I highly recommend this as a starting point. The books are available in the AlAnon Store on their website Al-anon.org, and sometimes from other book outlets.
AlAnon also has daily readers that break down the concepts into daily bits of examples from how members have pondered various parts of the program and received benefit. I read daily from: Courage to Change, One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, and Hope for Today. There is an index in back of each so I can look up a particular topic to get a quick perspective on something specific I am struggling with.
I prefer to start with the source, than weigh what I hear from others. There is a saying that there are no 'musts' in AlAnon, each must find what works and make it their own. No one can tell you what you should or should not do for they simply do not know what is best for you.
There may be some who try, however, outside and even inside the group. Informed by the actual recommendations of AlAnon, however, we are best informed to begin trying out perspectives, thoughts and actions that have brought peace and hope to many.
This approach worked extremely well for me and has changed my life and all of my relationships, both with alcoholics and non, dramatically for the better. Hang in there, there is hope, we're so glad you're here and reached out
Iamhere said
Sep 12, 2020
I also send a welcome to you friedmom....I am glad you found us and glad that you shared. My best suggestion for just getting started is to just breathe, breathe and breathe some more. My experience - when I arrived, I just felt defeated. I had tried everything and anything to cure or control this disease in those I love and struggled to accept and submit that the disease is larger than life - way too much for me and a battle I will never win. What I heard that 'stuck' in my crazy brain when I got to Al-Anon was the three C(s) - I didn't Cause this, I can't Control this and I can't Cure this. It was also suggested that I begin practicing putting me first - practice self-care, get to meetings (hard during a pandemic), get some literature, get some phone numbers and just practice focusing on me, One Day at a Time.
It was suggested to me that when I begin to worry, obsess or project I take action - any action - to help change my mind's focus. It was suggested I choose something program related or something healthy, so I took many long walks with my dog. Over time, I added music to the walks. I also began to run instead. I like to read, so I'd try to read a book. I love to cook, so I'd cook, even if it was just for me. I have a bit of OCD, so I cleaned closets. I added in calling program folks, going to meetings, reading literature, coming here (MIP) and without realizing it, I began to obsess less, worry less and when I got overwhelmed, I turned to prayer/meditation.
Keep it Simple helps me still to this day - I am thrilled when I respond instead of react and see progress one day at a time. So - breathe, know you aren't alone, trust there is hope and help in recovery and just try to do something nice for you just for today. Keep coming back!
Friedmom said
Sep 15, 2020
Thank you all for your suggestions and guidance. I definitely need it. I'm struggling daily but I feel comfort in the fact that I can come to all of you to ask how to survive each day, and get started in letting go of trying to fix the awful situation my daughter has gotten our family in. Maybe someday someone will realize the damage and lies she caused were her own and her babies will be returned back to me. Breathing would be so much easier if they were safely back in my arms and not with the bad people who currently have them divvied up... God is my higher power and I cling to and beg Him daily to help with this situation, help me let go and survive the loss of the 3 children, and the loss of my daughter until she decides to take the steps she needs to get the mental health and substance abuse help she needs, to turn hers, and maybe the children's, lives around and back to safety. I've learned the hard way that trying to make her make the right choices and do the right things doesn't work, and has only made things worse. I'm definitely in the "maxed out emotionally, sad, resentful, without hope for the alcoholic" place like "Enigmatic", and I definitely feel defeated like "Iamhere" but I feel very welcome and like I am not alone. Alcoholism truly destroys families and I'm hoping and praying that the damage can be undone if I can learn to be like those of you who have evolved past the pain, hurt and anger.
Maresie888 said
Sep 15, 2020
I know family reunification is a priority in some states. These are very difficult times to explore those options
I have been in a number of disastorous very destructive relationships. While there were no childreb involved I had to take over care of some pets because the qualifier effectively abandoned them
The qualifier villified me to everyone. He was very very sucessful at it. For sone people lashing out can ge extremely vicious.
When we are attached to those persons the casualty rate is very very high
Nevertheless the tools of al.anon can be immensely helpful. So can getting a sponsor and having a home group
I hope you choose to embrace al anon. Personally I try to use every thing I can. I.am currently in therapy (again) and finding that experience really helpful
Personal growth is very painful but personak growth has stopped me acting all the sane oatterns that have dominated my life.
Maresie
Hi, I'm new here and struggling with not being a co-dependent enabler for my dual diagnosis daughter. I know there are steps, but how do I find them? Where do I begin? I'd like to jump right in and learn as much as I can to try to make this horrific pain and devastation become less intense. I'd really like to survive what I'm going through. Any direction would be appreciated.
Friedmom welcome to the board and good for you that you reached right out and was honest and asked for help. This is an Al-Anon board and while we are not program approved we are made up with and contributed to by membership from all over. Al-Anon covers the planet so you are not alone and all of us contribute widely to the recovery of each other. Are stories are different and widely the same as you read and compare what we have gone thru along with yours.
I was born and raised within the disease of chemical addictions mostly alcoholism and have been affected by not only the drinkers and users in my life but also the behaviors, thoughts and actions of others attached to my up bringing. Our recovery is based on the practice of the 12 steps and traditions, of our program and the use of our tools like literature, meetings, the Experience, Strength and Hopes of others who attend recovery with us and more but not all the relations we form with a power greater than ourselves and sponsors.
No one learns this recovery program over night therefore we practice daily and constantly which results in my getting my peace of mind and serenity back whether the alcoholic continues to drink and/or use.
Please stick around and read the ESH other members will bring forward. Listen, learn and practice, practice, practice. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
Welcome, Friedmom! You are in the right place ... or one of the right places for recovering from the effects of someone else's drinking. You are not alone, and there is hope. I am so glad you are ready to jump right in. That's how I felt, too. By jumping into Al-Anon, I gradually emerged from the feeling that I was drowning in my troubles.
Here on this board we can share what we've done, what worked and didn't work for us. I have found this forum a great supplement to Al-Anon meetings, as I can come here any time of the day or night. You will soon see other members here chiming in. That's what we do.
Maybe a place to start is Detachment -- an important Al-Anon principle that is not easy to do but worth the effort. Just something to think about.
Before I share the link to the Twelve Steps, I just want to say it's a process. It's one day at a time. For me, it was not quick but it has been highly effective. Finding an Al-Anon group is highly recommended, and from there you should be able to find a sponsor to guide you through the steps of recovery. There are electronic and phone meetings. There is also a Step Work board here, and although it's not very busy, you might find help there. I used it in working some of my steps. You have to register separately on that board.
And here are the Twelve Steps -- just to think about. It might seem like a huge mountain to climb, but that's why there are steps -- we just take it one at a time.
Keep coming back!
-- Edited by Freetime on Friday 11th of September 2020 11:01:57 PM
Thank you both for your encouragement and guidance here. I will click on the links. Detachment seems like a GREAT place to start! Boy, do I need to learn THAT!
Hi FM, welcome and glad you are here
I found AlAnon after I had tried every strategy and tactic I could, and after being unsuccessful in all of them. I was maxed out emotionally, stressed, sad, resentful, and without hope for the alcoholic in my life. I was a little leery of any kind of 'program', and certainly anything that had any mention of a 'higher power' who some choose to call 'God'. But it was my last resort and I took it.
After brief online research to assure myself that the only requirement was to have someone in my life whose drinking concerned me, I attended a face to face meeting. The things I heard clicked, I realized there was hope.
I believe in going to the source material to learn a new topic, so I began reading more about how AlAnon works in Paths to Recovery: AlAnon's Steps, Traditions, and Concepts. This was an immense help, I highly recommend this as a starting point. The books are available in the AlAnon Store on their website Al-anon.org, and sometimes from other book outlets.
AlAnon also has daily readers that break down the concepts into daily bits of examples from how members have pondered various parts of the program and received benefit. I read daily from: Courage to Change, One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, and Hope for Today. There is an index in back of each so I can look up a particular topic to get a quick perspective on something specific I am struggling with.
I prefer to start with the source, than weigh what I hear from others. There is a saying that there are no 'musts' in AlAnon, each must find what works and make it their own. No one can tell you what you should or should not do for they simply do not know what is best for you.
There may be some who try, however, outside and even inside the group. Informed by the actual recommendations of AlAnon, however, we are best informed to begin trying out perspectives, thoughts and actions that have brought peace and hope to many.
This approach worked extremely well for me and has changed my life and all of my relationships, both with alcoholics and non, dramatically for the better. Hang in there, there is hope, we're so glad you're here and reached out
I also send a welcome to you friedmom....I am glad you found us and glad that you shared. My best suggestion for just getting started is to just breathe, breathe and breathe some more. My experience - when I arrived, I just felt defeated. I had tried everything and anything to cure or control this disease in those I love and struggled to accept and submit that the disease is larger than life - way too much for me and a battle I will never win. What I heard that 'stuck' in my crazy brain when I got to Al-Anon was the three C(s) - I didn't Cause this, I can't Control this and I can't Cure this. It was also suggested that I begin practicing putting me first - practice self-care, get to meetings (hard during a pandemic), get some literature, get some phone numbers and just practice focusing on me, One Day at a Time.
It was suggested to me that when I begin to worry, obsess or project I take action - any action - to help change my mind's focus. It was suggested I choose something program related or something healthy, so I took many long walks with my dog. Over time, I added music to the walks. I also began to run instead. I like to read, so I'd try to read a book. I love to cook, so I'd cook, even if it was just for me. I have a bit of OCD, so I cleaned closets. I added in calling program folks, going to meetings, reading literature, coming here (MIP) and without realizing it, I began to obsess less, worry less and when I got overwhelmed, I turned to prayer/meditation.
Keep it Simple helps me still to this day - I am thrilled when I respond instead of react and see progress one day at a time. So - breathe, know you aren't alone, trust there is hope and help in recovery and just try to do something nice for you just for today. Keep coming back!