She is going to stay here and apparently we are separated but going to stay under the same roof. I told her she needs to decide what to do by the end of the week. I am not sure if I can handle being close to her as I just want to kiss and hold her. All I get to do is watch her walk away and I don't have a clue if this is the right thing to do. I know addicts need to work on themselves but is there no room for family? I wanted to throw her rings in the garbage right now but didn't. My heart is crushed that I care so much and I feel like I am being used . She is off to a meeting out of town so I am going to take the kids to a movie get out of the house and try to be happy. I will have a real hard time this week not engaging with her. Anyone else been here before is this because it has only been 4months since she came home. Should I stick it out till 6 atleast? I just don't know if I can fake being happy much longer.
PosiesandPuppies said
Sep 7, 2020
((((Geoff))))
My experience w/newly recovered spouse back in house: Things were great until about 5-6 months in. Then he stopped going to meetings and eventually stopped calling his sponsor. Meanwhile, I worried, reminded, went to meetings of my own. I was accused of not being supportive, too supportive, unloving, etc. Finally, after months of Al-Anon, I admitted that I believed he was no longer "working a program." At that time, I was too scared to do anything. So I denied. Big mistake on my part.
There is no moral to this story... Looking back, knowing what I know now, I wish I would've asked for a separation of 1 year before any mention of getting back together as a married couple. That way I could be stronger in my healing journey, and I would've seen his recovery results from an outside vantage point... less pain & consequences. But I was hell-bent on making that marriage work, and I thought to myself, "Great! He went to rehab, he is clean/sober, everything will be fine!! I just did not realize his true "love" was the addiction...and I could not compete with that.
When I was finally ready to admit I had lost the fight, (7 years later) I could not live with active addiction. It was just too chaotic, too unstable. But I am a woman - at the time, dependent on his income - perhaps your situation is different as you may be the main breadwinner, and thus provide that financial stability. But that doesn't mean your emotional canvass will be stable. If you are "unstable" then it will reflect in your kids. They are sponges, many times mirroring their parents' behaviors. Only you can know if you can remain present and emotionally stable for them while your wife lives in the house and moves on with her life/recovery. You will need to stay focused on you and your kids. Nothing else, as you do not have any control over your wife's recovery/emotional feelings. It completely sucks. I wish I could have a "do-over" to those 7 years, but I can't, and that is just the way it is. It did effect my kid who was a teen at the time, so there are regrets there... I have asked for forgiveness and made my amends. What I am trying to say is that it is important to see things as they are, not how you'd like them to be.
My experience with recovery centers is that there is indeed room for family. Most of them offer family counseling. They encourage support while helping family understand that they cannot illicit change in the addicted person. That is the biggest hurdle I believe, for family members. I believe you posted previously that your wife is done with the marriage. She has already made her decision. Whether right or wrong, that is where it stands. You do not have to agree to have her there out of obligation if it will damage you emotionally. Perhaps the best thing would be to live separately for now, as more will be revealed... it always is.
What is the plan for YOU? Because none of this is easy, a plan is a must. Sometimes it helps to write it down so that when you are triggered by something, you can go to the list and say, "Oh yeah, I can do A, B or C to help me get past this!"
Great job taking the kids out to relieve some of the stress they are probably feeling.
DavidG said
Sep 7, 2020
Geoff the period of adjustment can be worse than the using/drinking times...
I am so proud of being a member of this supportive group- who can be in the moment,
and encourage you to slip into the moment, from time to time, as events swirl around you.
It sounds like the community you live in has a strong recovery focus- for people who need it.
But there are sharks and dangers around the pool- as there always is. The real world.
Our keynote slogan is: "One Day At A Time". Very simple.
Are the kids getting off to school? Are the schools open over there?
This is a very troubling time. Two cope with this and a family crisis- you need two brownie points.
Every day...
You have my utmost respect.
David G.
Geoff said
Sep 7, 2020
When my AHl just got home. I asked how it was for her and she really enjoyed it. She also said she really missed me and wanted to talk to me about it, and the fact she didn't want to rush into separation and wanted to continue doing what we are doing working on the relationship. She spoke with one of her older group members about the situation and he pointed out to her that maybe she should evaluate what she wanted and that things wont come easily. In more words than that I assume and she may regret her choice to break up the family. So now she wants to stay together again and keep doing what we were doing before our blow out on Saturday. That completely de railed us. I am happy about it but also pessimistic. I guess I will be in the moment and put more focus on me and the kids and see how that works out. It's alot harder in practice than in this post...
The kids do return to school on the 15th there is a staggered start here. They are looking forward to it and so am I. The airport where I work is still only doing few flights across country mostly shut. I only need to go in once a week and do the rest from home (being in IT really helps).
There is a virtual meeting tonight I may join. For now I am going to go make dinner with them. I cant thank you guys enough for just listening to me and letting me into this group of yours. I am truly grateful.
Iamhere said
Sep 7, 2020
Geoff - I too suggest/recommend attending meetings - any meetings, as many as you can to 'catch up'. My experience from both sides of this program is if you are not moving forward in recovery, you are going backwards and you will be left behind. Just a thought - instead of being pessimistic, why not try optimism or even realism with a sprinkle of hope? I can tell you that I have been absolutely amazed at the many, many miracles that have happened all around me in my family and beyond in the world of recovery.
If you were able to go and attend a face-to-face meeting, one of the typical handouts to new members is the JUST FOR TODAY bookmark. I kept this by my bed and read it many times a day as I had a life-long habit of projecting outcomes, rarely in a positive way. It's a great tool to help stay in this day, this one day.
JUST FOR TODAY I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
Just for today I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.
Just for today I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my luck as it comes, and fit myself to it.
Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.
Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count. I will do at least two things I dont want to dojust for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.
Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, keep my voice, low, be courteous, criticize not one bit. I wont find fault with anything, nor try to improve or regulate anybody but myself.
Just for today I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.
Just for today I will have a quiet half hour all by myself, and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective of my life.
Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.
When I practiced these things, my days felt better and went smoother. I made mistakes, I still was hurt and angry and really wanted to be heard. For me, this was the best benefit of a sponsor - I vented to her instead of trying to have heart-to-hearts with those in my home. She helped me determine what was mine to work on, what was worthy of sharing and what was not even real (just my fear speaking out-loud). She also reminded me each time we talked that I did not have to decide anything today, I did not have to have all my answers today and life is to always be enjoyed even when things are LTP (Less Than Perfect).
I hope you have some literature for Al-Anon or Nar-Anon....if not, this would benefit you greatly too!
JerryF said
Sep 7, 2020
We get to make up our own resolutions Geoff and what I learned after participation and practice was to sit with the elders in the meetings, listening with an OPEN MIND, getting a sponsor who had the stuff I would like to have and to practice more. What now? that is a question I often get to review in order to find some mental clarity and break time. When I forget to do those suggested things that we given to me when I was looking for serenity and peace of mind I get surprised when the nastiness comes back home. Do I work the program so that some thing might happen that makes her get it? NO...if she doesn't know she doesn't know and if she doesn't go to where she can get it she won't. What do I do to handle the insane thoughts, feeling and actions I am left to deal with?
I have a Higher Power that at times I insult by not using Him, by not coming to Him and this program and thinking I am good enough and she will realize it and change. LOL.
I must work the program so that I use the help to making best decisions for me and then following thru with the courage to change the things I can. Self Doubt? for sure loss of faith? also and that comes with the efforts to change the things I can.
I don't know what she is doing about the problem I see. What am I doing about it beside complaining and nothing. At the moment I am in front of this computer because coming here and reading and listening and for what others do is best for me. So I will sit, read and listen and consider the evidence of what I have and have not done and how I want my life to turn out. I know what works when I work it. Part of that is keep coming back.
Thank you my MIP Family Group.
((((hugs))))
PosiesandPuppies said
Sep 8, 2020
Geoff - What happened was the power of her program. She was allowing addictive behaviors govern her actions (the desire to flee), but when she "ran them by" a program veteran, they were able to give her sage advice, and now she is "Practicing the Pause" and allowing things to unfold. That is a great sign!
I would second the great benefit of a sponsor. My sponsor was someone I could unload on, voice my fears, get validation... all without "interfering" with my spouse's program. My sponsor was /is a great unbiased opinion when I need it, even today.
Work on you, and guide your children.
Maresie888 said
Sep 8, 2020
Generally in the first year of the program it is advised not to make makor cjamges
In fact at this time we have nothing but major changes
Covid 19 is one of the bigest crises I have had in my lifetime
I have most certainly been in couple therapy
I.have also always always been someone with abandonment issues. As someone with those issues the panic fear and triggers were first and foremost in a relationship. They felt non negotiable for me.
Early sobriety is a tough one
I know for me being focused exclusively on others is and was absolutely the norm. My whole life depended entirely on others i was i obsessed with what they were doing
There was not mich room.for what I needed to do.
For me it has been decades of working on myself in al anon. I am also in therapy
Therapy creates a space to focus on the now.
I give myself a lot of soace at this tine. Space to roll with whatever happens with the virus. Space to know that this is the long haul
Space to give myself a break. These are uncommonly hard times. Time to be gentle on ourselves.
Maresie
She is going to stay here and apparently we are separated but going to stay under the same roof. I told her she needs to decide what to do by the end of the week. I am not sure if I can handle being close to her as I just want to kiss and hold her. All I get to do is watch her walk away and I don't have a clue if this is the right thing to do. I know addicts need to work on themselves but is there no room for family? I wanted to throw her rings in the garbage right now but didn't. My heart is crushed that I care so much and I feel like I am being used . She is off to a meeting out of town so I am going to take the kids to a movie get out of the house and try to be happy. I will have a real hard time this week not engaging with her. Anyone else been here before is this because it has only been 4months since she came home. Should I stick it out till 6 atleast? I just don't know if I can fake being happy much longer.
((((Geoff))))
My experience w/newly recovered spouse back in house: Things were great until about 5-6 months in. Then he stopped going to meetings and eventually stopped calling his sponsor. Meanwhile, I worried, reminded, went to meetings of my own. I was accused of not being supportive, too supportive, unloving, etc. Finally, after months of Al-Anon, I admitted that I believed he was no longer "working a program." At that time, I was too scared to do anything. So I denied. Big mistake on my part.
There is no moral to this story... Looking back, knowing what I know now, I wish I would've asked for a separation of 1 year before any mention of getting back together as a married couple. That way I could be stronger in my healing journey, and I would've seen his recovery results from an outside vantage point... less pain & consequences. But I was hell-bent on making that marriage work, and I thought to myself, "Great! He went to rehab, he is clean/sober, everything will be fine!! I just did not realize his true "love" was the addiction...and I could not compete with that.
When I was finally ready to admit I had lost the fight, (7 years later) I could not live with active addiction. It was just too chaotic, too unstable. But I am a woman - at the time, dependent on his income - perhaps your situation is different as you may be the main breadwinner, and thus provide that financial stability. But that doesn't mean your emotional canvass will be stable. If you are "unstable" then it will reflect in your kids. They are sponges, many times mirroring their parents' behaviors. Only you can know if you can remain present and emotionally stable for them while your wife lives in the house and moves on with her life/recovery. You will need to stay focused on you and your kids. Nothing else, as you do not have any control over your wife's recovery/emotional feelings. It completely sucks. I wish I could have a "do-over" to those 7 years, but I can't, and that is just the way it is. It did effect my kid who was a teen at the time, so there are regrets there... I have asked for forgiveness and made my amends. What I am trying to say is that it is important to see things as they are, not how you'd like them to be.
My experience with recovery centers is that there is indeed room for family. Most of them offer family counseling. They encourage support while helping family understand that they cannot illicit change in the addicted person. That is the biggest hurdle I believe, for family members. I believe you posted previously that your wife is done with the marriage. She has already made her decision. Whether right or wrong, that is where it stands. You do not have to agree to have her there out of obligation if it will damage you emotionally. Perhaps the best thing would be to live separately for now, as more will be revealed... it always is.
What is the plan for YOU? Because none of this is easy, a plan is a must. Sometimes it helps to write it down so that when you are triggered by something, you can go to the list and say, "Oh yeah, I can do A, B or C to help me get past this!"
Great job taking the kids out to relieve some of the stress they are probably feeling.
Geoff the period of adjustment can be worse than the using/drinking times...
I am so proud of being a member of this supportive group- who can be in the moment,
and encourage you to slip into the moment, from time to time, as events swirl around you.
It sounds like the community you live in has a strong recovery focus- for people who need it.
But there are sharks and dangers around the pool- as there always is. The real world.
Our keynote slogan is: "One Day At A Time". Very simple.
Are the kids getting off to school? Are the schools open over there?
This is a very troubling time. Two cope with this and a family crisis- you need two brownie points.
Every day...
You have my utmost respect.
David G.
The kids do return to school on the 15th there is a staggered start here. They are looking forward to it and so am I. The airport where I work is still only doing few flights across country mostly shut. I only need to go in once a week and do the rest from home (being in IT really helps).
There is a virtual meeting tonight I may join. For now I am going to go make dinner with them. I cant thank you guys enough for just listening to me and letting me into this group of yours. I am truly grateful.
Geoff - I too suggest/recommend attending meetings - any meetings, as many as you can to 'catch up'. My experience from both sides of this program is if you are not moving forward in recovery, you are going backwards and you will be left behind. Just a thought - instead of being pessimistic, why not try optimism or even realism with a sprinkle of hope? I can tell you that I have been absolutely amazed at the many, many miracles that have happened all around me in my family and beyond in the world of recovery.
If you were able to go and attend a face-to-face meeting, one of the typical handouts to new members is the JUST FOR TODAY bookmark. I kept this by my bed and read it many times a day as I had a life-long habit of projecting outcomes, rarely in a positive way. It's a great tool to help stay in this day, this one day.
JUST FOR TODAY I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
Just for today I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.
Just for today I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my luck as it comes, and fit myself to it.
Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.
Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count. I will do at least two things I dont want to dojust for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.
Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, keep my voice, low, be courteous, criticize not one bit. I wont find fault with anything, nor try to improve or regulate anybody but myself.
Just for today I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.
Just for today I will have a quiet half hour all by myself, and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective of my life.
Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.
When I practiced these things, my days felt better and went smoother. I made mistakes, I still was hurt and angry and really wanted to be heard. For me, this was the best benefit of a sponsor - I vented to her instead of trying to have heart-to-hearts with those in my home. She helped me determine what was mine to work on, what was worthy of sharing and what was not even real (just my fear speaking out-loud). She also reminded me each time we talked that I did not have to decide anything today, I did not have to have all my answers today and life is to always be enjoyed even when things are LTP (Less Than Perfect).
I hope you have some literature for Al-Anon or Nar-Anon....if not, this would benefit you greatly too!
We get to make up our own resolutions Geoff and what I learned after participation and practice was to sit with the elders in the meetings, listening with an OPEN MIND, getting a sponsor who had the stuff I would like to have and to practice more. What now? that is a question I often get to review in order to find some mental clarity and break time. When I forget to do those suggested things that we given to me when I was looking for serenity and peace of mind I get surprised when the nastiness comes back home. Do I work the program so that some thing might happen that makes her get it? NO...if she doesn't know she doesn't know and if she doesn't go to where she can get it she won't. What do I do to handle the insane thoughts, feeling and actions I am left to deal with?
I have a Higher Power that at times I insult by not using Him, by not coming to Him and this program and thinking I am good enough and she will realize it and change. LOL.
I must work the program so that I use the help to making best decisions for me and then following thru with the courage to change the things I can. Self Doubt? for sure loss of faith? also and that comes with the efforts to change the things I can.
I don't know what she is doing about the problem I see. What am I doing about it beside complaining and nothing. At the moment I am in front of this computer because coming here and reading and listening and for what others do is best for me. So I will sit, read and listen and consider the evidence of what I have and have not done and how I want my life to turn out. I know what works when I work it. Part of that is keep coming back.
Thank you my MIP Family Group.
((((hugs))))
I would second the great benefit of a sponsor. My sponsor was someone I could unload on, voice my fears, get validation... all without "interfering" with my spouse's program. My sponsor was /is a great unbiased opinion when I need it, even today.
Work on you, and guide your children.