The reading for Monday, 9/7, says that we should not look for pity. We should not expect other members to tell us our resentments are justified, nor should we take aggressive action. We hopefully will learn to change the way we see our family problems, and resist aggression by using dignity and poise.
Reminder: Alanon meetings and friendships can be inspiring, interesting, enlightening, and even fun. But they are also dedicated to the serious business of making me into a confident, spiritually-oriented adult human being. If that is what I want, I will listen with an open mind, accept suggestions and put to good use what I learn.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This reading reminded me of how off balance I was when I entered program. I think I wanted a lot of pity, and secretly hoped someone would say what a monster my A was. After all, I was devastated by my As lying, sneaking around, drinking and driving, and attacks of emotional abuse.
But just like the reading says, I was given a choice to see my A in a different light. And instead of judging the actions of another, I was shown how to focus on myself and change the things I can. I was given a toolbox of amazing life skills to practice and a family of people from all walks of life who truly understood my situation, yet gave me role models of people exhibiting dignity, poise, and compassion. My sponsor had been an amazing example of how to accept life on lifes terms, and turn lemons into lemonade. Im still working on it, but I can see progress, and do not need perfection.
PosiesandPuppies said
Sep 7, 2020
Thank you for your service, Lyne.
In my experience, I got most of my validation from my therapist, and a ton of support from Al-Anon (and to some extent Nar-Anon). I did kind of want a "pity party" at first... I mean, my life was turned upside down for Pete's sake!! But, the calm, cool, patient heads of Al-Anon veterans on several forums, knew I was going through just one phase of this process... my growth. They were kind to me... understanding. I seek to be that way too.
&
DavidG said
Sep 7, 2020
Sometimes I find ODAT a little old fashioned- compared to C2C...
...I needed to find a forum for my self-pity...
Our early group was a bit like all-in wrestling. We all wept and grumbled together. It was a great bonding process.
I found disciplined sharing really hard, coming through.
I think I had to actually create the boundaries myself. And with good examples.
But that is what we all go through here- different approaches for different personalities.
I think a lot of us recognise this these days. We do have our moments of fun- with just a little goofing off.
To show our treasured newcomers just what is possible! ...
Iamhere said
Sep 7, 2020
Thank you Lyne for your service and the daily. Thank you all for your ESH & shares. I didn't want anything BUT a way to make mine stop the using and the insanity. I was closed minded, felt my way was best and everyone else was insane....needless to say, the denial in me on how this disease had affected and changed me was larger than life. I actually left my first meeting full of self-will, angry that I had attended and returned to try my way/my will a while longer.
It would have been easy for others to judge me and to hope I never returned. I was an insolent child-like human stuck in a battle that I still thought I could win. When I reached my legitimate bottom, I returned feeling extremely defeated. I didn't plan to stick around but did promise that I would attend with an open mind. I focused on trying to listen for similarities instead of differences and was inspired that others who lived with equal or greater insanity than I were genuinely peaceful, open and gracious.
It took me a while to realize that 'grace' which welcomed me was the result of working this program and willingness to grow, heal and change. Today, I view that grace as divinely gifted to all who want it. My experience is that when I stop trying to control and manage the people, places, things and events around me and focus instead on if I can add value, I am part of the solution. When I lean towards blaming others, shaming others, self-pity and the 'dark side', I am part of the problem. Today, I work really, really hard to choose happiness and joy over being right.
Happy Monday all (even though it seems like Sunday)...love and light to all!
Enigmatic said
Sep 8, 2020
Powerful page, thank you for your service and honest share Lyne, and ESH all above.
I too came in full of self pity, righteousness, and certainty that the A in my life was the cause of my insanity. It was incredibly humbling and enlightening to recognize that I was responsible for that, and was just as sick as the A...in some ways, worse.
I could feel as much serenity as I was willing to work for through the steps. Not every misstep the A took was an intentional shot at me...in fact, most were not. They were simply the tragic actions of a very sick, suffering individual who is also a 'child of god', so I am no better, no worse then they.
Today I have much room to continue growing and practicing the steps, but infinitely more peace, serenity, and relationship with the A. So grateful for the wisdom and benefits of AlAnon
-- Edited by Enigmatic on Tuesday 8th of September 2020 06:18:50 AM
mamalioness said
Sep 14, 2020
Thank you so much for your service and this awesome reminder. I felt the same way you did when I first came into the program and came forward about my offender, I fed off of the people who called him a monster etc. and I still feel the same way about him LOL but I dont let him dominate my thoughts anymore. What really did change with me was my attitude towards my alcoholic mother who was not a child predator but just an alcoholic who was drinking to Escape the fact that she did Marry a monster and a predator and that her only escape in her mind was to just get sauced on 80 proof escape plan. When I first entered program I hated her almost as bad. She abandoned me to the bottle, she didnt rescue me, she did not save her children from the horrific abuse and deprivation and darkness that he perpetrated on us every day. I really hated her almost as bad for enabling him and for abandoning her Duties to us
Then, as I grow in the program, I realized that there is a big difference between somebody who is beaten down and sick like she was and someone who is just willfully a five-star sociopath who is just plain evil. But even still, I just do not even allow myself to think about M unless I am processing another part of my drama and then I have to journal and get it out and then put him back in the trash bag where he belongs and not let him Dominate my life
I have really changed about her, though. She drank to escape and got hooked on the alcohol and therefore could not even save her self, much less her children. I am not excusing what she did. She is responsible for educating her duties to protect her children from evil but I understand what happened. I understand that she was addicted to alcohol and had to have it no matter what the cost. I cant even remember good things about her now thanks to this wonderful program helping me sort things out in reality mode, I can actually remember good stuff about her and that she was not a monster but just a very sick human being who got addicted to alcohol and became an alcoholic and she paid for it dearly I am sure. And I look at other alcoholics that I know and I can feel compassion for them though I keep my distance and do not give them the opportunity to mess me up, I can still feel compassion for them which I never thought I could do before I got into this program. I am very grateful for Al-Anon and the changes that it helped me bring about within myself but I had to be honest and open and willing and humble enough to let the program seep in and for that I am very grateful
The reading for Monday, 9/7, says that we should not look for pity. We should not expect other members to tell us our resentments are justified, nor should we take aggressive action. We hopefully will learn to change the way we see our family problems, and resist aggression by using dignity and poise.
Reminder: Alanon meetings and friendships can be inspiring, interesting, enlightening, and even fun. But they are also dedicated to the serious business of making me into a confident, spiritually-oriented adult human being. If that is what I want, I will listen with an open mind, accept suggestions and put to good use what I learn.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This reading reminded me of how off balance I was when I entered program. I think I wanted a lot of pity, and secretly hoped someone would say what a monster my A was. After all, I was devastated by my As lying, sneaking around, drinking and driving, and attacks of emotional abuse.
But just like the reading says, I was given a choice to see my A in a different light. And instead of judging the actions of another, I was shown how to focus on myself and change the things I can. I was given a toolbox of amazing life skills to practice and a family of people from all walks of life who truly understood my situation, yet gave me role models of people exhibiting dignity, poise, and compassion. My sponsor had been an amazing example of how to accept life on lifes terms, and turn lemons into lemonade. Im still working on it, but I can see progress, and do not need perfection.
In my experience, I got most of my validation from my therapist, and a ton of support from Al-Anon (and to some extent Nar-Anon). I did kind of want a "pity party" at first... I mean, my life was turned upside down for Pete's sake!! But, the calm, cool, patient heads of Al-Anon veterans on several forums, knew I was going through just one phase of this process... my growth. They were kind to me... understanding. I seek to be that way too.
Sometimes I find ODAT a little old fashioned- compared to C2C...
...I needed to find a forum for my self-pity...
Our early group was a bit like all-in wrestling. We all wept and grumbled together. It was a great bonding process.
I found disciplined sharing really hard, coming through.
I think I had to actually create the boundaries myself. And with good examples.
But that is what we all go through here- different approaches for different personalities.
I think a lot of us recognise this these days. We do have our moments of fun- with just a little goofing off.
To show our treasured newcomers just what is possible!
...
Thank you Lyne for your service and the daily. Thank you all for your ESH & shares. I didn't want anything BUT a way to make mine stop the using and the insanity. I was closed minded, felt my way was best and everyone else was insane....needless to say, the denial in me on how this disease had affected and changed me was larger than life. I actually left my first meeting full of self-will, angry that I had attended and returned to try my way/my will a while longer.
It would have been easy for others to judge me and to hope I never returned. I was an insolent child-like human stuck in a battle that I still thought I could win. When I reached my legitimate bottom, I returned feeling extremely defeated. I didn't plan to stick around but did promise that I would attend with an open mind. I focused on trying to listen for similarities instead of differences and was inspired that others who lived with equal or greater insanity than I were genuinely peaceful, open and gracious.
It took me a while to realize that 'grace' which welcomed me was the result of working this program and willingness to grow, heal and change. Today, I view that grace as divinely gifted to all who want it. My experience is that when I stop trying to control and manage the people, places, things and events around me and focus instead on if I can add value, I am part of the solution. When I lean towards blaming others, shaming others, self-pity and the 'dark side', I am part of the problem. Today, I work really, really hard to choose happiness and joy over being right.
Happy Monday all (even though it seems like Sunday)...love and light to all!
Powerful page, thank you for your service and honest share Lyne, and ESH all above.
I too came in full of self pity, righteousness, and certainty that the A in my life was the cause of my insanity. It was incredibly humbling and enlightening to recognize that I was responsible for that, and was just as sick as the A...in some ways, worse.
I could feel as much serenity as I was willing to work for through the steps. Not every misstep the A took was an intentional shot at me...in fact, most were not. They were simply the tragic actions of a very sick, suffering individual who is also a 'child of god', so I am no better, no worse then they.
Today I have much room to continue growing and practicing the steps, but infinitely more peace, serenity, and relationship with the A. So grateful for the wisdom and benefits of AlAnon
-- Edited by Enigmatic on Tuesday 8th of September 2020 06:18:50 AM
Then, as I grow in the program, I realized that there is a big difference between somebody who is beaten down and sick like she was and someone who is just willfully a five-star sociopath who is just plain evil. But even still, I just do not even allow myself to think about M unless I am processing another part of my drama and then I have to journal and get it out and then put him back in the trash bag where he belongs and not let him Dominate my life
I have really changed about her, though. She drank to escape and got hooked on the alcohol and therefore could not even save her self, much less her children. I am not excusing what she did. She is responsible for educating her duties to protect her children from evil but I understand what happened. I understand that she was addicted to alcohol and had to have it no matter what the cost. I cant even remember good things about her now thanks to this wonderful program helping me sort things out in reality mode, I can actually remember good stuff about her and that she was not a monster but just a very sick human being who got addicted to alcohol and became an alcoholic and she paid for it dearly I am sure. And I look at other alcoholics that I know and I can feel compassion for them though I keep my distance and do not give them the opportunity to mess me up, I can still feel compassion for them which I never thought I could do before I got into this program. I am very grateful for Al-Anon and the changes that it helped me bring about within myself but I had to be honest and open and willing and humble enough to let the program seep in and for that I am very grateful