I just told AH that I'm getting the kids signed up for counseling. He is Furious.
I am standing my ground. I know enough about this disease now to know that my kids are going to need to have tools in place. They're too young for Al-A-Teen. (At least the littler one is). I want them to have someone they can talk with who is like a friend but who knows all about this problem and to whom they can tell things without worrying about the reaction (i.e., me). And since I imagine my husband's mental/physical state will get worse before it gets better, I want them to get into this process while they are not in crisis. I'm thinking of it like putting on your life jacket before you get into the boat. We know there's a storm coming and we sure wish we didn't have to be in this boat, but we are.
I got rattled while he was yelling at me about this, and but then I've been reminding myself that I'm not the reason we need counseling. This crazy insanity of the disease is.
2HP said
Sep 2, 2020
((Fedora)). I am so sorry he rattled you but don't take his actions (his insanity) personally. it is not about you.
Your post reminds me of another post here about expectations, a reminder to protect our sanity by keeping our expectations in check. We can certainly expect a dog should bark, a cat should meow,
and we can expect alcoholics should be easily angered, defensive, secretive, manipulative, fearful of how they are perceived, to have the last word, etc. etc.
My sponsor told me from the beginning to work to "understand" alcoholism. knowing what to expect, its less of a shock to my system and I definitely learned to stop stepping into the boxing ring for another round of futile fighting with him, it only gave him another excuse to drink.
Your husband got angry and defensive because alcohol is his crutch. Alcoholics cannot imagine living life without it.
Like your children, I come from an alcoholic family. but we grew up with zero knowledge of what was happening, we never talked about it and grew up believing it was all normal. so I am very glad you have recovery plans for you and your children.
I regret I did not find al-anon until after my kids left for college. But they have been helped by al-anon through me at times, having been in a few alcoholic relationships themselves. it is a family disease.
If your counselor is specialized in addiction and family recovery, that will definitely help. you are doing great.
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 2nd of September 2020 05:18:36 PM
JerryF said
Sep 2, 2020
Get your own "Courage to change the things I can" list made up also Fedora. You got the alcoholic in his EGO area (Easing God Out) and having your sponsor and literature and meeting tools near by will keep your Courage to Change character up there standing shoulder to shoulder with HP. I sponsored Ala-teen for a long while and also took the programish counseling into the high schools I went to. They entirely were grateful and much better off ....miracles in progress...for it.
My prayers for you and the kids and your alcoholic too.
Maybe he will get so angry that hyperventilation will keep him still for a while...You think?
I was at a Alateen conference once and feeling very low because my alcoholic/addict was missing in action again. One of the young females asked me "What's going on Jerry F? " and I told her of my sadness and loss and she took my hand and stopped me from walking into the conference for a moment and 12th stepped my spirit" "Don't you know Jerry....Happiness is an INSIDE JOB". Thank you God for the surrounding blessings. (((((hugs)))))
Your alcoholic also got angry and defensive because he is afraid. Maybe he will find a sponsor soon.
-- Edited by JerryF on Wednesday 2nd of September 2020 06:33:20 PM
SerenityRUS said
Sep 2, 2020
Big hugs fedora, you know what's best for your children and i applaud you for taking steps to get them and yourself the support you need. Big hugs .. this patenting stuff is not for the weak by any means. My children have both rejected Alanon and alateen at this point. If they are open to counseling it's planting a seed of their own mental health. I'm grateful for the small patenting parenting wins. That's the best anyone can do because no one has all the right answers and all you can do is the best you can with the tools you have .. that's a big one. Hugs S :)
JerryF said
Sep 2, 2020
When I was sponsoring Alateen initially the kids were put into groups by parents without choice and after a while they came freely and liked it. (((hugs)))
Bettertomorrow said
Sep 3, 2020
Hugs Fedora ((( ))).
I admire your strength and resilience to be clear that the emotional health of your children (and you!) is a priority. Your husband is probably reacting because he risks you 'being serious' about changing and that he will then have to face up to his own responsibilities.
I believe it is natural to have a little wobble as you describe it - we have lived in the shadow of this disease for so long and I know for me personally that my self esteem has been eroded so change does indeed take courage.
My AH is attempting to get back into our home and our children's lives - but I know in my heart that I need to and will stand strong to protect their emotional health and give them the safe and secure home that they deserve. Their father is still in denial; still actively drinking and even though I understand it is a disease that doesn't excuse his behaviour in our home and the impact it has on our lives.
Wishing you peace and serenity as you move forwards x
SerenityRUS said
Sep 3, 2020
Once again it is about availability. As a primary single parent it was not an option to drive an hour to hour and a half each direction on a school night when my x at least was not paying support. I allowed my kids some choices because as a child of this kind of dysfunction they got no choice and no voice. So when I took them to counseling that's where we were at, it was in town and I could get them to go to that, I looked at it as a first step of alateen. Everyone has a unique story as to their own circumstances.
We actually tried to start an alateen group in town and it never got off the ground which was really sad given the need. The unfortunate truth was the RA who was sponsoring the program wound up relapsing after many, many years of sobriety and it just stopped in its tracks. No one else from AA was willing to step up and start it. It's very different to start an alateen program than it was 20 years ago. We were stuck trying to find adult alanon sponsors for the teens as well. The paperwork was daunting.
This is exactly what keeps me at least from sharing on some days when I might want to because there is this underlying issue of "you don't care about your recovery" or "you don't do enough for your own recovery" or "I'm better than you because I am more vested in my program" that's so unfair given what people have to go through to get to the doors of alanon on a good day. Why I really appreciate this board being online. The snark I don't appreciate. As parents trying to navigate very impossible situations sometimes most of us are just trying to get through the day without doing more damage to our kids.
PosiesandPuppies said
Sep 3, 2020
Fedora - You have received a lot of wise ESH. They all mentioned something I wanted to say, so I just want to validate you.
When I read that you were thinking of your actions as "putting on your life-vest before getting in the boat." I thought to myself, what a great analogy!!
Keep walking your path... it is mature, thought out, healthy.
I just told AH that I'm getting the kids signed up for counseling. He is Furious.
I am standing my ground. I know enough about this disease now to know that my kids are going to need to have tools in place. They're too young for Al-A-Teen. (At least the littler one is). I want them to have someone they can talk with who is like a friend but who knows all about this problem and to whom they can tell things without worrying about the reaction (i.e., me). And since I imagine my husband's mental/physical state will get worse before it gets better, I want them to get into this process while they are not in crisis. I'm thinking of it like putting on your life jacket before you get into the boat. We know there's a storm coming and we sure wish we didn't have to be in this boat, but we are.
I got rattled while he was yelling at me about this, and but then I've been reminding myself that I'm not the reason we need counseling. This crazy insanity of the disease is.
((Fedora)). I am so sorry he rattled you but don't take his actions (his insanity) personally. it is not about you.
Your post reminds me of another post here about expectations, a reminder to protect our sanity by keeping our expectations in check. We can certainly expect a dog should bark, a cat should meow,
and we can expect alcoholics should be easily angered, defensive, secretive, manipulative, fearful of how they are perceived, to have the last word, etc. etc.
My sponsor told me from the beginning to work to "understand" alcoholism. knowing what to expect, its less of a shock to my system and I definitely learned to stop stepping into the boxing ring for another round of futile fighting with him, it only gave him another excuse to drink.
Your husband got angry and defensive because alcohol is his crutch. Alcoholics cannot imagine living life without it.
Like your children, I come from an alcoholic family. but we grew up with zero knowledge of what was happening, we never talked about it and grew up believing it was all normal. so I am very glad you have recovery plans for you and your children.
I regret I did not find al-anon until after my kids left for college. But they have been helped by al-anon through me at times, having been in a few alcoholic relationships themselves. it is a family disease.
If your counselor is specialized in addiction and family recovery, that will definitely help. you are doing great.
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 2nd of September 2020 05:18:36 PM
Get your own "Courage to change the things I can" list made up also Fedora. You got the alcoholic in his EGO area (Easing God Out) and having your sponsor and literature and meeting tools near by will keep your Courage to Change character up there standing shoulder to shoulder with HP. I sponsored Ala-teen for a long while and also took the programish counseling into the high schools I went to. They entirely were grateful and much better off ....miracles in progress...for it.
My prayers for you and the kids and your alcoholic too.
Maybe he will get so angry that hyperventilation will keep him still for a while...You think?
I was at a Alateen conference once and feeling very low because my alcoholic/addict was missing in action again. One of the young females asked me "What's going on Jerry F? " and I told her of my sadness and loss and she took my hand and stopped me from walking into the conference for a moment and 12th stepped my spirit" "Don't you know Jerry....Happiness is an INSIDE JOB". Thank you God for the surrounding blessings. (((((hugs)))))
Your alcoholic also got angry and defensive because he is afraid. Maybe he will find a sponsor soon.
-- Edited by JerryF on Wednesday 2nd of September 2020 06:33:20 PM
When I was sponsoring Alateen initially the kids were put into groups by parents without choice and after a while they came freely and liked it. (((hugs)))
Hugs Fedora ((( ))).
I admire your strength and resilience to be clear that the emotional health of your children (and you!) is a priority. Your husband is probably reacting because he risks you 'being serious' about changing and that he will then have to face up to his own responsibilities.
I believe it is natural to have a little wobble as you describe it - we have lived in the shadow of this disease for so long and I know for me personally that my self esteem has been eroded so change does indeed take courage.
My AH is attempting to get back into our home and our children's lives - but I know in my heart that I need to and will stand strong to protect their emotional health and give them the safe and secure home that they deserve. Their father is still in denial; still actively drinking and even though I understand it is a disease that doesn't excuse his behaviour in our home and the impact it has on our lives.
Wishing you peace and serenity as you move forwards x
Once again it is about availability. As a primary single parent it was not an option to drive an hour to hour and a half each direction on a school night when my x at least was not paying support. I allowed my kids some choices because as a child of this kind of dysfunction they got no choice and no voice. So when I took them to counseling that's where we were at, it was in town and I could get them to go to that, I looked at it as a first step of alateen. Everyone has a unique story as to their own circumstances.
We actually tried to start an alateen group in town and it never got off the ground which was really sad given the need. The unfortunate truth was the RA who was sponsoring the program wound up relapsing after many, many years of sobriety and it just stopped in its tracks. No one else from AA was willing to step up and start it. It's very different to start an alateen program than it was 20 years ago. We were stuck trying to find adult alanon sponsors for the teens as well. The paperwork was daunting.
This is exactly what keeps me at least from sharing on some days when I might want to because there is this underlying issue of "you don't care about your recovery" or "you don't do enough for your own recovery" or "I'm better than you because I am more vested in my program" that's so unfair given what people have to go through to get to the doors of alanon on a good day. Why I really appreciate this board being online. The snark I don't appreciate. As parents trying to navigate very impossible situations sometimes most of us are just trying to get through the day without doing more damage to our kids.
When I read that you were thinking of your actions as "putting on your life-vest before getting in the boat." I thought to myself, what a great analogy!!
Keep walking your path... it is mature, thought out, healthy.