Splitting up belongings is really hard There is no winner in this Pf ckuese people fet belligerent in divorce. That us par forthe course un the pumishing cukture that goes alo g with that mindset. There is no.#who deaerves this# in their mindset There is no acknowkedgement if who out in the most effort Fair is not in the agenda. Never was Fair with an apcoholic is they get what they want whenever they want it Appealingnto someone with that consciousness is a oretty fruitless task. Time for a plan b. Plan b's are hard to constrict when you are in this #it isnt fair mentality# It is n't fair hapoens day one in this kind of relationship. Maresie

Hi Kokopelli! I am sorry you are going through this.

In my experience, my exABF would make promises one minute and then change his mind the next. In hindsight I now see it was a way to manipulate me. He would say what I wanted to hear to keep the peace if I was upset. And he would say the opposite of what I wanted to hear if he wanted to be obstinate. It was all part of his way to control the situation. When I learned about detachment at an Al-Anon meeting and I began leaving the room when he would start to act up, it took all the steam out of his game. I also developed a poker face so he couldnt tell if the (irrational) things he was saying were upsetting me.

Please contact a family law attorney in your area to see what your legal right to the home is. Everyones situation is different and you need to know exactly how the law in Florida applies to you. Find out if you have to divide every marital asset such as 401K or money market accounts.

Take a deep breath because you cant do anything until Monday. Do something just for yourself tonight. Take a hot bath. Watch a movie you love. Give yourself a manicure. The more you shift your focus to your needs the better you will feel.

((( hug )))

Thank you for your shares!
I ended up leaving the house yesterday to stay the night at a friend's house I'm watching. Bought me dinner that had many carbs...lol. While it was good to get away from my AH, I missed my dogs and my house of comfort. When arriving back home to give my dogs their medication, he started up again then left. When returning he started the guilt tripping and blaming, walked away a couple times and did my breathing but the last time I walked away he ended up just going to bed. Working harder on my detachment and Alanon is helping me get there. Thank you all.

I.most certainly missed my home and my.pets when I was gone whenever I.#temporarily# keft the place I.shared with the qualifier . My taking off never sermed to affect him.at all. After all I cane back. I thought what I had built was irreplacable. The issue is wth the qualifier that all I did to.make the house #home# he destroyed viciously and systematicalky on a regular basis. He simoly could not tolerate it. That was also a form of ounishment because of course he fejt the rented duolex was exclusvely his from day one till I.moved out. I no longer engage in analysis about why he did what he did. He.moved over 100 miles away had enormous support from family members, then did it again (this time I.was niwhere around). That is his pattetn My.own pattetns of hooking uo.with extremely self absorbed #punishing# men had to be examined and dealt wuth. My long relationship.with him.was not an anomaky it was a etched in stone pattern. A pattern I had to own and chsnge. I built a new home. Buildimg a home is a special.skill. The home i have now is infinitely more comfortable than the one I had with the qualifier. No one is invading and destroying it in a daily basis I still,needless to say, have olenty of problems. Problems I often find iverwhelming. I am however no longer being systematically ounished fur not beung #all things# he ever needed to help him with his addictions. Nevertheless I.most certainky have oroblems. When I left the qualifier there were many issues about #our#pets. He abandoned them as he did me. I worked it out. That took a while. Nebertheless despite overwhelming odds I worked it out somehow. The hardship was immense but it did not match the immense hardshio of dealing with the qualifier's immensely destructive behavior every day all day no.matter what. Leaving and solitting uo belongings is a hard task. The qualifier made sure he got what he wanted. His moving #show#was a big display of his blanket selfishmess which obluterared everything else and meant neglect of everyone else. He wanted and in.some ways got it all no matter what. He was relentless about that. That was always his agenda. He followed that agenda throughout. Detaching served me well during that transition. So did making a plan b. Making a plan b was critical. Maresie

I don't have experience with this, as we rented my house at the time of our split. But I did take an Al-Anon friend's advice and understood all the legal ramifications so that I was able to write and deliver a legal letter to my landlord which absolved me of anything regarding the lease after I vacated the house. Getting legal knowledge is important IMHO.
You are using your tools. Kudos. Be patient, they will work for you... your qualifier will keep doing what he does, or he may taper off. No control, remember!

Sending you support!

Thank you all again. I have reached out to my lawyer to see if I have any fighting chance with the house. Finding a one story home with pool in Florida on a decent budget is not easy. The pool is for me and my knee issues, extreme low impact exercising, I am a 60% disabled veteran. One of my dogs has special needs, he uses the walking wheels plus has anxiety seizures so we do not go many places, not sure how moving into a new home is going to go with him. Again, the one story home is for him and me, since it's his knees that are bad too. But, I am still looking at houses until my lawyer gets back to me. It really is on Gods hands and I cannot control it!
My new obstacle is trying to get him out of the house during the proceedings, but he is not nudging. Then I asked that he put all his toiletries and cloths in the guest bathroom and the room he is staying in. He's not having that either. I really want go lock my door at night because he keeps coming in trying to talk or get into bed with me. I even wake up to him standing over me, does alarm me ay times. But when I lock the door he bangs loud, so I lose either way.

The invading your soace issue is typical.of sn alcoholic. The ex roommate would come into.my room at night. Superficially it was about outting the dog outsude. The dog was not asking ti go out All thar walkimg on eggshells was so difficult and realky draining They make everything into the last stand. The good news is eventually it does end Since I.came back into my apartment I have been obsessed with making it home I got inti problems having a dog. The dog was one reason why i went to stay with the ex roommate this year. To be fair the dog loved staying in the house. For me it was immensely uncomfortable. My dog is still staying with n My former roommate. The good news is that that time is now limited. The other really good news is that the former roommates gas lighting no longer affects me in such a devastating manner I will transition out of the former roommates life very quietly The end of this year will bring much respite for me. I have been througb hell but as one authir I kniw says #,,after the pain there is the rising# Look.forward to the rising. I am ready for it Now I have to acknowledge I had needs and they are equally valid to the dogs!!! Maresie