Whenever my AH takes vacation days I know we are in for daily drinking because every day off is a drinking day. And I also expect that at some point during vacation he will lash out at me. This time, we are vacationing at home because of Covid, though we are able to go do things outdoors. I have been telling myself over and over to not engage with him while he is drinking and to find my own self-care activities, and to try to have fun with him early in the day before he starts drinking and despite the deep depression I have been in for many months. He doesnt have any hobbies, and he doesnt like to just quietly sit on the patio or sit in nature like I do, so he spends most of his time watching TV while drinking. (If it was up to me I would not even own a TV, and he has it on all day and the constant noise is very draining, but thats a side issue for an introvert like me) So this week I have spent a lot of time painting, work on things around the house, enjoying the outdoors, just generally trying to fill my days with pleasant things and being quiet and non-responsive when he gets drunk. Tonight he lashed out at me for something really nonsensical and it escalated to a full blown argument and the d-word (divorce). I feel like he is jealous that I have interests outside drinking and TV that give me pleasure and he took it out on me. And he doesnt have the self awareness to see that. Does anyone else experience this anger from the A when you find other things to do besides drink with them? Im not ready to leave him during this unsettled time but its really hurting me inside to see him decline and see our once happy life slowly dissolve. And his words cut me deeply. I am just trying to find small things that will keep me going and keep me from harming myself over all this, because I truly feel worthless and completely alone right now. Just trying to make some sense of the craziness. I know this is some venting and I think I needed a place to put my thoughts because I have no one else, so thanks for listening.
Geoff said
Aug 29, 2020
Hi Seahorse. I am so sorry to read what you are going through. I don't have many words of wisdom unfortunately. I have been in your position before my AW went to treatment. She would yell at me for no reason at all and if I engaged it would be her just yelling at me. I did as you seem to be doing and just disengaged I would walk away and ignore the A in the house. I am not here to tell you what to do as I need so much help too. I just want you to know you aren't alone at all. I hope today is so much brighter for you. If you can you should go out with someone you know and get time away. This is JMHO.
Please take care.
Seahorse7 said
Aug 29, 2020
After a sleepless night I see clearly (ironically). One of the things he said that confused me was that he thought wed spend time together while on vacation (staycation). We have been together almost 24 /7 during this time and I was trying to keep the peace by letting him do his drinking thing without engaging while I found ways to comfort myself. So I was confused by this. Now I realize he is angry because Im not drinking with him for hours and watching TV for hours.So he thinks hes alone. I get it. But the truth is I am the one who is alone while he drinks. For hours every day. Im losing him in a bottle of beer and Im grieving that and the person he used to be.
I cant talk to him about it at all, Ive tried and he shuts me down completely. Last time I tried was years ago. Now I just live with it. I know you all know this kind of loneliness.
Lyne said
Aug 29, 2020
{{{Seahorse}}} When my spouse lashes out I feel it is the "alcoholic personality" rearing its ugly head. I have given this feedback to my spouse.
My spouse thinks alanon has "ruined " me because I resigned from the doormat club. I speak my feelings in a respectful way, and I am no longer dependent on someone who cannot see reality some of the time. It's not easy, which is why we try to take one day at a time. I'm doing everything I can to be healthy and yes even happy, no matter what the alcoholic is doing. Keep coming back!
Jill said
Aug 29, 2020
My experience is similar, but not as hilarious as being ruined by leaving the doormat club. I love that one! I think when people who are addicts think they can't stop (many without ever having tried), they lash out at the nearest, safest heartbeat. I no longer concern myself with why.
I, too, make a decision to live my day in a way that brings me satisfaction. It takes a conscious decision each day for me.
PosiesandPuppies said
Aug 29, 2020
Hugs to you Seahorse7. Yes, I have been there. You are not alone. It seems to be one of the "isms" of this disease... that EVERYTHING should revolve around the addict/drinker (same thing). And when it doesn't? Whoa, look out! The spouse is usually the one who will get the brunt of the verbal abuse.
Personally, I thought that you were using your best tools, and looking at reality with eyes wide open. What you were doing was healthy. But that isn't what your spouse wants. He wants someone along so that he doesn't feel guilty for what he engages in. My spouse used to do the same thing... then when sober, deny he ever acted that way and tried to convince me that I was the crazy one!! The day I left, my mind was a constant whirlwind... I almost didn't know which way was up! All I knew was that I had to get me and my kid out of there. Thank HP for my family!
Going to Al-Anon meetings, coming here, having a sponsor... they all helped me to "hang on" during the toughest times so that I wouldn't see myself as crazy. I am glad you are here and that you reached out.
Keep coming back... you are certainly worth it!!
&
Seahorse7 said
Aug 29, 2020
Id like to get to the point of no longer asking why, Jill. But your explanation makes sense. I think analyzing it helps it be less hurtful to me somehow.
PosiesandPuppies said
Aug 29, 2020
Seahorse7 - I am like you in that analyzing helped me to understand how the disease works, and that in turn helped me to QTIP (Quit Taking It Personal).
I am a researcher at heart, so the more information I could gather, the better it would make me feel. Did it change my spouse, the disease, my situation? NO. But I had less and less days of feeling like I was being thrown from the roller-coaster.
I finally got some peace when I ACCEPTED the Al-Anon notion that one cannot reason with Addiction. So I quit trying. I stopped thinking that my spouse would act/behave in a rational "normal" manner. That step alone took a very long time for me to accept and then implement well. Al-Anon helped me with this.
Maresie888 said
Aug 29, 2020
There really is not much analysis on why the apcoholic drinks. They drink in good times and in bad times
Lashing out is pretty mormal for the course especially when they get inebriated.
Lowering our expectstions is a wrenching ecperience. However the more I reset the expectations the better I am. I am very experienced in dealing with the alcoholic who deliberately goes for the jugular. Coming to expect that is pretty much the norm
Generally the more reaction they get the more likely they are to use that again
Of course the ultimate tool that can hit most of us is the #abandonment# issue
What I have to say is very difficult because I was really hooked on the #abandonment# issue. Eventually I had to get to the point where I acknowledged that I was #abandoming# myself. Thaf was and still is extremely painful. Now
My dependency on alcoholics has been a real pattern for me. I.am looking at a pattern of feeling I do not deserve more than that. Getting out of that mentality is a real push/pull struggle. The difference is the battle does not have any other players.
I am glad you are here. Glad you are reaching out. Glad you have the courage to talk about what is going on for you
Maresie
Seahorse7 said
Aug 31, 2020
I dont know how to tag anyone here, or even if its possible to do so, but I hope those who replied to my post will see and accept my humble thanks. Your responses made me cry for a good reason: they validated my feelings and made me feel less alone. I am grateful.
JerryF said
Aug 31, 2020
It takes courage to change the things we can and only part of that courage is used to continually progress after peace of mind and serenity while the alcoholic continues to drink and or used.
Asking professionals to become a part of the relationship with known alcoholism is for me a necessary requirement otherwise the alcoholic and or addict continues to apply insane power to the relationship.
It was important for me to be a Behavioral Health Therapist and remain as such while working within the families so that the alcoholic knew they would not hold upper hand.
Therapists, sponsors, counselors who are willing to work with the family in whole are powerful.
Keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
SerenityRUS said
Sep 1, 2020
I don't know if this will help however one thing I found was that when I kept focused on the "why did he" it kept me from asking "why do I". It's a weird sense of control believe it or not because in asking "why do I" I put the focus on me and what I do and not about the other person. When I am distracted and disoriented I don't make good choices and see less clearly because the fog of "why does he" gets in the way.
What I came to accept and just go with .. my x's "why" is because he's an alcoholic/addict .. why do I is way more important than anything he does or doesn't do because it's a reflection of how healthy I am and that has zero to do with my X and everything to do with me.
Whenever my AH takes vacation days I know we are in for daily drinking because every day off is a drinking day. And I also expect that at some point during vacation he will lash out at me. This time, we are vacationing at home because of Covid, though we are able to go do things outdoors. I have been telling myself over and over to not engage with him while he is drinking and to find my own self-care activities, and to try to have fun with him early in the day before he starts drinking and despite the deep depression I have been in for many months. He doesnt have any hobbies, and he doesnt like to just quietly sit on the patio or sit in nature like I do, so he spends most of his time watching TV while drinking. (If it was up to me I would not even own a TV, and he has it on all day and the constant noise is very draining, but thats a side issue for an introvert like me) So this week I have spent a lot of time painting, work on things around the house, enjoying the outdoors, just generally trying to fill my days with pleasant things and being quiet and non-responsive when he gets drunk. Tonight he lashed out at me for something really nonsensical and it escalated to a full blown argument and the d-word (divorce). I feel like he is jealous that I have interests outside drinking and TV that give me pleasure and he took it out on me. And he doesnt have the self awareness to see that. Does anyone else experience this anger from the A when you find other things to do besides drink with them? Im not ready to leave him during this unsettled time but its really hurting me inside to see him decline and see our once happy life slowly dissolve. And his words cut me deeply. I am just trying to find small things that will keep me going and keep me from harming myself over all this, because I truly feel worthless and completely alone right now. Just trying to make some sense of the craziness. I know this is some venting and I think I needed a place to put my thoughts because I have no one else, so thanks for listening.
Please take care.
I cant talk to him about it at all, Ive tried and he shuts me down completely. Last time I tried was years ago. Now I just live with it. I know you all know this kind of loneliness.
My spouse thinks alanon has "ruined " me because I resigned from the doormat club. I speak my feelings in a respectful way, and I am no longer dependent on someone who cannot see reality some of the time. It's not easy, which is why we try to take one day at a time. I'm doing everything I can to be healthy and yes even happy, no matter what the alcoholic is doing. Keep coming back!
I, too, make a decision to live my day in a way that brings me satisfaction. It takes a conscious decision each day for me.
Hugs to you Seahorse7. Yes, I have been there. You are not alone. It seems to be one of the "isms" of this disease... that EVERYTHING should revolve around the addict/drinker (same thing). And when it doesn't? Whoa, look out! The spouse is usually the one who will get the brunt of the verbal abuse.
& 
Personally, I thought that you were using your best tools, and looking at reality with eyes wide open. What you were doing was healthy. But that isn't what your spouse wants. He wants someone along so that he doesn't feel guilty for what he engages in. My spouse used to do the same thing... then when sober, deny he ever acted that way and tried to convince me that I was the crazy one!! The day I left, my mind was a constant whirlwind... I almost didn't know which way was up! All I knew was that I had to get me and my kid out of there. Thank HP for my family!
Going to Al-Anon meetings, coming here, having a sponsor... they all helped me to "hang on" during the toughest times so that I wouldn't see myself as crazy. I am glad you are here and that you reached out.
Keep coming back... you are certainly worth it!!
Id like to get to the point of no longer asking why, Jill. But your explanation makes sense. I think analyzing it helps it be less hurtful to me somehow.
Seahorse7 - I am like you in that analyzing helped me to understand how the disease works, and that in turn helped me to QTIP (Quit Taking It Personal).
I am a researcher at heart, so the more information I could gather, the better it would make me feel. Did it change my spouse, the disease, my situation? NO. But I had less and less days of feeling like I was being thrown from the roller-coaster.
I finally got some peace when I ACCEPTED the Al-Anon notion that one cannot reason with Addiction. So I quit trying. I stopped thinking that my spouse would act/behave in a rational "normal" manner. That step alone took a very long time for me to accept and then implement well.
Al-Anon helped me with this.
It takes courage to change the things we can and only part of that courage is used to continually progress after peace of mind and serenity while the alcoholic continues to drink and or used.
Asking professionals to become a part of the relationship with known alcoholism is for me a necessary requirement otherwise the alcoholic and or addict continues to apply insane power to the relationship.
It was important for me to be a Behavioral Health Therapist and remain as such while working within the families so that the alcoholic knew they would not hold upper hand.
Therapists, sponsors, counselors who are willing to work with the family in whole are powerful.
Keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
What I came to accept and just go with .. my x's "why" is because he's an alcoholic/addict .. why do I is way more important than anything he does or doesn't do because it's a reflection of how healthy I am and that has zero to do with my X and everything to do with me.
Big hugs,
S :)