This morning the police called me out of my class to alert me that my AH had been taken to the local jail because of DUI. This is number 2.
The city police called the campus police to try to find me. The campus police officer was so kind. The city police officer were so kind. I appreciated that. They had to go to my bosses' office to find me. The campus police officer could tell that I was having trouble processing his instructions on how to find the city jail. He drove ahead of me so I could follow him and showed me where to find the door. Being a law abiding person, I don't know where the city jail is off the top of my head. Guess I know now. (The first DUI was in a different county.)
I feel somewhat numb but with each passing hour I can tell that my stomach ache is going to not go away.
I brought AH home because they asked me to. I realize now that I should have just left him there to rot but you know when your brain gets separated from your body in these moments, you don't think so much.
So I brought him home and he spent a good long time talking. I decided that I would just let him talk because after today I'm not listening any more. I told him that this is either going to end by him living the consequences and deciding he wants to get better, or not. That would be his call and his business. My business now will be solely to figure out how I'm going to live my life and protect our kids.
He called me selfish. I did yell at him but only briefly because I reminded myself that trying to talk to a BAC of .38 is kind of dumb. And I've been dumb long enough.
I am so sad.
2HP said
Aug 27, 2020
oh Fedora, I am so sorry. My hope is you will take really good care of YOU, go easy easy easy.... soft soft soft today. Drop everything and just do the next most nurturing thing for yourself. Keep it really simple. (doing this will set a good example for your kids. self-care)
You might try abdominal breathing exercises since you mention holding tension there. I like to lay supine with knees up, putting one hand on my abdomen. Then taking in a deep breath through the nose... letting your belly push your hand out.
Then exhale slowly through pursed lips... feeling the hand on your belly go in, using it to push all the air out. Do this 10 times.
It should help you feel more calm. That is how I make better decisions, from a place of calm. maybe keep a hand over your heart and just acknowledge, "this is hard."
Do not listen to him blaming and deflecting, giving himself another excuse to drink. ugh.
JerryF said
Aug 27, 2020
((((Fedora)))) This is one of those "courage to change the things I can change" times. It was good time for me to grow without getting worse on myself and the alcoholic/addict. I was sitting the board (radio/communications for the CHIPs) one night when I got a call from the highway officer looking for information on a female drunk driver (mine) which encouraged me for a second to break her anonymity and put her in jail for the night and then bring her in front of the judge and then that wasn't my job/responsibility was it. I just told the officer "the person is known to me" and he had a source of information to help him do the job on that stop. I also learned and taught that threats and yelling at a spouse while the other was drunk was grounds for arrest so I encourage that to happen also. Gotta grow the courage to change. Glad you are okay for the moment.
Maresie888 said
Aug 27, 2020
I can very much understand your pain. My qualifier had a very destructive attitude to driving. Really I should have seen the red flags. Of course I was not looking.for red flags before. Now I.am
I well understand the rage, embarassment, grief and anxiety you are feeling
I also inderstand that trying to talk to your partner is pretty much.impossible. They retreat to the poor ne stance oretty much as a reflex.
I hope you find a place to vent. Venting is very important. That is a lot of emotion to carry.. This board is a good place to come to. I know I have vented a lot on this board. Now I have a therapist that helos a lot.
I am realky sad for you that you have to navigate this path at this time.
I hope you will reach out and get all the support you need at this really difficult time
Please keeo comimg back to.update us.
Maresie
Fedora said
Aug 28, 2020
Hi everyone. Thanks for your words of support. A little bit of good news to report: I found a new group to replace my former F2F group. My workschedule was not going to allow me to attend meetings there anymore but I found another one at a time I could attend. I haven't attended yet but at least I've got it in my toolkit.
I think I am doing ok with detaching myself from his drama-rage. I can tell he wants company in the black hole of "woe is me". But I told him firmly that I am not there. He started to talk about his childhood issues and I shut that down by saying "you need to unpack that with a therapist".
I realized that he only thinks he should be punished if someone gets hurt or property gets damaged. He actually wants to be praised for doing the right thing - that is, recognizing he was too drunk to function and deciding to take a nap in the car.
I also realized that until he recognizes that the real problem was drinking like a fish and then getting in the car, nothing will change. So I'm trying to stay out of that conversation. Not so easy because he has no one else to talk to but me.
JerryF said
Aug 28, 2020
Fedora one of the very important things I learned from in program was my Alcoholic/addict needed a good sponsor and I wasn't even near that qualification. Finding that out allowed me to increase my empathy for her and to keep pointing to others in the program...others meaning recovering from drinking and using people. Until then I would be working a delusion that she wanted and needed me to cure her addictions. The solution came when after she had a final (I hope) dui she committed to a recovery program. Noners make the worse sponsors for recovering drunks and users I keep reading.
Keep coming back and work it for yourself. ((((Hugs))))
Iamhere said
Aug 28, 2020
(((Fedora))) - I am so, so sorry for all that's presented because of the disease and the diseased. I shared with a group of trusted gal pals exactly what you concluded - I am sad...my son relapsed hard this week and crashed his car. He avoided the law by taking an Uber from a nearby city home but had no idea where he wrecked. By the time he returned to the city and the suspected location of the accident, the car had been towed.
As I sat with the news and opted to enforce my boundaries and go about my day instead of assisting him, I ran through various feelings. I know today that anger (for me) is a secondary emotion usually brought about by fear or 'other'. It just does not serve me well as it will lead to resentments. I also know today that no matter what I feel or think, I am utterly powerless over this disease and how it affects those I love and care about. I know their actions, words, reactions, insanity, etc. are truly not about me - even when they are directed at me. Like you, I am opting to stay on my side of the street and detach as best I can.
For me, sad is the absolute feeling. I am sad I can't cure him, sad I can't fix this, sad I can't help him to a better path and sad that one I love is so affected by this disease. I can take action in practicing self-care and praying for him which I've been doing. I've also shared with a few I love/trust and they are also praying for him. It's so very difficult to watch another I love self-destruct and I just continue to Let Go and Let God. Know that you are not alone and it's perfectly OK to feel whatever you feel - keep coming back!
2HP said
Aug 29, 2020
I am so happy you have a F2F group!! which set me on a sound path again, similar to F2F classes and office hours with a real professor. Al-anon was indeed one of the most beneficial "courses" I have ever taken. I know it will positively affect your children and influence everyone surrounding you at work and community. Do not underestimate that power.
Your husbands disease is doing all the talking, denying and minimizing, etc. But you seem aware of his poor me attitude, giving himself permission to continue drinking. "Poor me, Poor me... Pour me a drink!"
Stepping out of enabling anything except Recovery is awesome, just standing there like a guidepost pointing to the real solution - his own recovery group.
I so remember the invitation to step onto the battlefield with him again. and how giving into that temptation just made me crazier by the day. Until it eventually sank into my head that this was a battle I personally could NOT win.
His battle was his. I had my own battles to overcome. no more enmeshment, I refused to go down on that sinking ship with him. gave him the dignity to live his life however he chose, while I did the same. Live and Let Live.
@IAH, you and your son also have my prayers. Hopefully this will be his bottom and there is only One way left to go
Fedora said
Aug 30, 2020
@Iamhere, I am so sorry about your son.
-- Edited by Fedora on Sunday 30th of August 2020 06:07:49 AM
Maresie888 said
Aug 30, 2020
(((I am here)))
I.am so sorry to hear of these recent developments
I know how very hard you worked to encourage your son to be self sufficient
That effort was not wasted
I am often in awe of the resiliency of the alcoholic.
I admire your courage and strength in dealing with this situation
Maresie
This morning the police called me out of my class to alert me that my AH had been taken to the local jail because of DUI. This is number 2.
The city police called the campus police to try to find me. The campus police officer was so kind. The city police officer were so kind. I appreciated that. They had to go to my bosses' office to find me. The campus police officer could tell that I was having trouble processing his instructions on how to find the city jail. He drove ahead of me so I could follow him and showed me where to find the door. Being a law abiding person, I don't know where the city jail is off the top of my head. Guess I know now. (The first DUI was in a different county.)
I feel somewhat numb but with each passing hour I can tell that my stomach ache is going to not go away.
I brought AH home because they asked me to. I realize now that I should have just left him there to rot but you know when your brain gets separated from your body in these moments, you don't think so much.
So I brought him home and he spent a good long time talking. I decided that I would just let him talk because after today I'm not listening any more. I told him that this is either going to end by him living the consequences and deciding he wants to get better, or not. That would be his call and his business. My business now will be solely to figure out how I'm going to live my life and protect our kids.
He called me selfish. I did yell at him but only briefly because I reminded myself that trying to talk to a BAC of .38 is kind of dumb. And I've been dumb long enough.
I am so sad.
You might try abdominal breathing exercises since you mention holding tension there. I like to lay supine with knees up, putting one hand on my abdomen. Then taking in a deep breath through the nose... letting your belly push your hand out.
Then exhale slowly through pursed lips... feeling the hand on your belly go in, using it to push all the air out. Do this 10 times.
It should help you feel more calm. That is how I make better decisions, from a place of calm. maybe keep a hand over your heart and just acknowledge, "this is hard."
Do not listen to him blaming and deflecting, giving himself another excuse to drink. ugh.
((((Fedora)))) This is one of those "courage to change the things I can change" times. It was good time for me to grow without getting worse on myself and the alcoholic/addict. I was sitting the board (radio/communications for the CHIPs) one night when I got a call from the highway officer looking for information on a female drunk driver (mine) which encouraged me for a second to break her anonymity and put her in jail for the night and then bring her in front of the judge and then that wasn't my job/responsibility was it. I just told the officer "the person is known to me" and he had a source of information to help him do the job on that stop. I also learned and taught that threats and yelling at a spouse while the other was drunk was grounds for arrest so I encourage that to happen also. Gotta grow the courage to change. Glad you are okay for the moment.
I think I am doing ok with detaching myself from his drama-rage. I can tell he wants company in the black hole of "woe is me". But I told him firmly that I am not there. He started to talk about his childhood issues and I shut that down by saying "you need to unpack that with a therapist".
I realized that he only thinks he should be punished if someone gets hurt or property gets damaged. He actually wants to be praised for doing the right thing - that is, recognizing he was too drunk to function and deciding to take a nap in the car.
I also realized that until he recognizes that the real problem was drinking like a fish and then getting in the car, nothing will change. So I'm trying to stay out of that conversation. Not so easy because he has no one else to talk to but me.
Fedora one of the very important things I learned from in program was my Alcoholic/addict needed a good sponsor and I wasn't even near that qualification. Finding that out allowed me to increase my empathy for her and to keep pointing to others in the program...others meaning recovering from drinking and using people. Until then I would be working a delusion that she wanted and needed me to cure her addictions. The solution came when after she had a final (I hope) dui she committed to a recovery program. Noners make the worse sponsors for recovering drunks and users I keep reading.
Keep coming back and work it for yourself. ((((Hugs))))
(((Fedora))) - I am so, so sorry for all that's presented because of the disease and the diseased. I shared with a group of trusted gal pals exactly what you concluded - I am sad...my son relapsed hard this week and crashed his car. He avoided the law by taking an Uber from a nearby city home but had no idea where he wrecked. By the time he returned to the city and the suspected location of the accident, the car had been towed.
As I sat with the news and opted to enforce my boundaries and go about my day instead of assisting him, I ran through various feelings. I know today that anger (for me) is a secondary emotion usually brought about by fear or 'other'. It just does not serve me well as it will lead to resentments. I also know today that no matter what I feel or think, I am utterly powerless over this disease and how it affects those I love and care about. I know their actions, words, reactions, insanity, etc. are truly not about me - even when they are directed at me. Like you, I am opting to stay on my side of the street and detach as best I can.
For me, sad is the absolute feeling. I am sad I can't cure him, sad I can't fix this, sad I can't help him to a better path and sad that one I love is so affected by this disease. I can take action in practicing self-care and praying for him which I've been doing. I've also shared with a few I love/trust and they are also praying for him. It's so very difficult to watch another I love self-destruct and I just continue to Let Go and Let God. Know that you are not alone and it's perfectly OK to feel whatever you feel - keep coming back!
I am so happy you have a F2F group!! which set me on a sound path again, similar to F2F classes and office hours with a real professor. Al-anon was indeed one of the most beneficial "courses" I have ever taken. I know it will positively affect your children and influence everyone surrounding you at work and community. Do not underestimate that power.
Your husbands disease is doing all the talking, denying and minimizing, etc. But you seem aware of his poor me attitude, giving himself permission to continue drinking. "Poor me, Poor me... Pour me a drink!"
Stepping out of enabling anything except Recovery is awesome, just standing there like a guidepost pointing to the real solution - his own recovery group.
I so remember the invitation to step onto the battlefield with him again. and how giving into that temptation just made me crazier by the day. Until it eventually sank into my head that this was a battle I personally could NOT win.
His battle was his. I had my own battles to overcome. no more enmeshment, I refused to go down on that sinking ship with him. gave him the dignity to live his life however he chose, while I did the same. Live and Let Live.
@IAH, you and your son also have my prayers. Hopefully this will be his bottom and there is only One way left to go
@Iamhere, I am so sorry about your son.
-- Edited by Fedora on Sunday 30th of August 2020 06:07:49 AM