While going through the beginnings of divorcing my AH, we have routines from 17 years together, making his lunch, doing his laundry, calling eachother pet names. How do you cope with this? How do you shut this down and tell him he needs to work on getting better.
I want to still be his best friend and help him through his outpatient program, but am I to let him do this alone? Do I not say I'm here for you?
What may have worked for you that didn't have mixed feelings, but maybe still showed you are here for them or does everything need to be detached until later down the road?
JerryF said
Aug 26, 2020
Thanks for the reminders of my Al-Anon journey Kokopellli where I learned that attitude changes made large differences. Learning to change the idea of for her for "with her". She became responsible for her recovery and life and lots of times I was "with" her as she did the works and efforts. It was when I was working the thought that I was doing lots or everything "for her" that angers and resentments screwed things up for us both. Now if I do things for my wife I do them without expectation of how she should pay me back. The signals are mine the work is hers unless I choose to get involved gratis.
Mixed signals is a good thought. Keep coming back (((hugs)))
newnoz said
Aug 27, 2020
Sometimes rereading detachment helps me and reminds me what it is to detach with love. I believe there is a downloadable version of it on the Al-Anon site. S-19
Maresie888 said
Aug 27, 2020
Well i think it is really difficult to cope with. Leaving any relationship.is hard
I.am in the process of leaving a friendship I have had for 20 years. There was a lot of short hand involved. There was a lot of familiarity
I have come to.a place where his alcoholism is too.hard to tolerate. Furthermore his abusiveness is pretty malignant.
Leaving that friendship gets easier the more effort I put into detaching
There were a number of incidents this year where he simoly crossed the line.
I know that for me I know where my limitations are. I know what I can tolerate
Leaving a long term relationship is incredibly difficult. Everything in us crave familiarity.
I.hope you will keep.comimg back and sharing.
Maresie
While going through the beginnings of divorcing my AH, we have routines from 17 years together, making his lunch, doing his laundry, calling eachother pet names. How do you cope with this? How do you shut this down and tell him he needs to work on getting better.
I want to still be his best friend and help him through his outpatient program, but am I to let him do this alone? Do I not say I'm here for you?
What may have worked for you that didn't have mixed feelings, but maybe still showed you are here for them or does everything need to be detached until later down the road?
Thanks for the reminders of my Al-Anon journey Kokopellli where I learned that attitude changes made large differences. Learning to change the idea of for her for "with her". She became responsible for her recovery and life and lots of times I was "with" her as she did the works and efforts. It was when I was working the thought that I was doing lots or everything "for her" that angers and resentments screwed things up for us both. Now if I do things for my wife I do them without expectation of how she should pay me back. The signals are mine the work is hers unless I choose to get involved gratis.
Mixed signals is a good thought. Keep coming back (((hugs)))