New to this board but not to Al Anon. I was an active member for five years while my wife was drinking heavily. Ultimately the disease won and she passed away two years ago after 26 years of marriage. Assuming that my issues with alcohol were behind me, I stepped away from my group. Fast forward to today and I have met a woman who "surprise" is a recovering alcoholic but was successful in her treatment program. After a period of time, she and her daughter moved in with me and things were all quite happy until her relapse. She continues to say the right things and I know she is sincere about wanting to fight this disease but I now find myself right back where I was. Anxiety fills my head and heart, worried about when the next shoe might drop and honestly scared to face life alone. Perhaps that is my real issue, that the perceived pain of being alone was always greater than the pain of living with my alcoholic partner. I am trying online meetings but there are not quite the same and the first time through I never honestly worked the steps with a sponsor.
I don't know if I have the strength to walk away and know that if I do I will feel responsible for what might happen (even though we know we are not). Is there actually hope for this relationship or am I being naive?
Freetime said
Aug 25, 2020
Welcome, AgainAgain! I am sorry for what brings you here but glad you found us. I can share that I also lost a spouse who passed away from the disease of alcoholism. While I am not in your current situation, I can understand the fear of going through that trauma again.
For me, living alone is not lonely -- true loneliness was living with active alcoholism and its deadly effects.
I don't think anyone can predict what will happen with someone else's relationship. Everyone's situation is different. I have found that diligently working Al-Anon -- meetings, sponsor, steps, literature -- always helps me see more clearly what my next right action should be. Therapy was also helpful to me in dealing with the trauma of what happened in the past.
I'm sure it is harder with online meetings to make that personal connection with people and to find a sponsor. My suggestion is to try to get phone numbers and call people who feel relatable and who have progressed in their recovery. Some meetings use the chat function for people to share their phone numbers.
I had to reach out -- and I am glad you reached out here. You are not alone.
Iamhere said
Aug 25, 2020
I too send you a welcome AgainAgain...I am sorry for the loss of your wife and for the pain that brings you to MIP today. I agree with you that zoom/online meetings are not the same as the face to face meetings....I have to keep reminding myself, each day, that this pandemic is affected all 'things' and I must adapt as best I can. It is easier some days than other days.
For me, as I am still living with active disease and loving others with it, I really, really do best when I just focus on one day at a time. I love the Just for Today bookmark I got when I first arrived - if you google for it, you'll find it. It's always helpful to bring me back to just this one day - the present.
I also find our literature helpful in calming my mind/heart when either wants to travel to the past or the future.
Most areas have a central office that you can call into. If they don't answer, usually there is an answering machine that is staffed by volunteers. You can try and call, leaving a message which will result in someone local calling you back. This might give you some local support while we all manage the affects of the pandemic.
Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring - my life works much better when I just stay in today. Know you are not alone - hope you keep coming back!
Maresie888 said
Aug 25, 2020
I.mosr certainky found a lot out of being in telationship with someone who #needed me#
The relationshios I had with alcoholic(s) (note the plural) were very dependent, tumultuous and took uo 100% of the time.
You might feel like you are going down the same path again. In fact many of us have a series of dysfunctional relationships. For me different issues got worked out within the relationshio.
Thrre is no point beating oursekves uo about it. Alcoholics (and drug users) can have many compelling features
In sone ways many of our needs get met within that kind of relationshio
I know coming into.al anom has bern a huge gift for me hiwever I got here.
Out down the stick. This relationship has brought you to the point where you are willing to address very difficukt subjects.
That is a great achievement.
I.am glad you are here.
Maresie
JerryF said
Aug 26, 2020
Welcome Again again. I know your story as I have done it 5 times before finally finding myself with a program worker who I didn't need to be married to. Key word is need as after years of recovery I learned how to do this thing called live in peace of mind and serenity without having to "have" someone else to complete my existence. We have a daily practice that was suggested to us early on...Prayer, meditation, literature, sponsor, service, service, service. Our most necessary partner is our Higher Power and mutual recovery support.
Here you go again...Keep coming back.
PosiesandPuppies said
Aug 26, 2020
Welcome Again.
I am sorry for what brings you here, but glad you reached out. My condolences on the loss of your partner/wife of 26 years.
Al-Anon helped me to understand myself. What I wanted, what I could tolerate, and how to respond to LIFE differently - notice I said, "Life" and not my ASO (addicted significant other - although it helps with that too). My first stint in Al-Anon I too walked away when my husband "got clean." I didn't stick around beyond 6 months, b/c why would I need to ( I was not the one with the problem)? What I didn't realize was that it is a key program into understanding your own self. It helps you respond in a healthy way to what Life will throw at you... this includes unhealthy people (ones you may be involved with, and ones that are just passing by). Today, I stick around for ME.
The other thing that helped me through my mourning of my 29-year failed marriage was a therapist. Because I was indeed in mourning... even though I initiated the divorce (I learned over time that I could not live with addiction in my life - and sadly (perhaps?), I could not live with the uncertainty of relapse in my life). I finally came to a place of acceptance... but it wasn't really what I wanted... but what I wanted wasn't available to me...so I needed an outside source to help me through that. If you seek a therapist, I would strongly suggest someone who knows in depth about addiction - even now.
I currently have some anxiety about getting older alone, but I am still enjoying/figuring out how to live alone (but not lonely). I know I would not trade my aloneness for the chaos/anxiety and uncertainty of addiction. I found that out through Al-Anon!
That is my ESH. Take what you like and leave the rest. I feel the most important thing is to honor and respect yourself first... b/c the rest will follow!
New to this board but not to Al Anon. I was an active member for five years while my wife was drinking heavily. Ultimately the disease won and she passed away two years ago after 26 years of marriage. Assuming that my issues with alcohol were behind me, I stepped away from my group. Fast forward to today and I have met a woman who "surprise" is a recovering alcoholic but was successful in her treatment program. After a period of time, she and her daughter moved in with me and things were all quite happy until her relapse. She continues to say the right things and I know she is sincere about wanting to fight this disease but I now find myself right back where I was. Anxiety fills my head and heart, worried about when the next shoe might drop and honestly scared to face life alone. Perhaps that is my real issue, that the perceived pain of being alone was always greater than the pain of living with my alcoholic partner. I am trying online meetings but there are not quite the same and the first time through I never honestly worked the steps with a sponsor.
I don't know if I have the strength to walk away and know that if I do I will feel responsible for what might happen (even though we know we are not). Is there actually hope for this relationship or am I being naive?
For me, living alone is not lonely -- true loneliness was living with active alcoholism and its deadly effects.
I don't think anyone can predict what will happen with someone else's relationship. Everyone's situation is different. I have found that diligently working Al-Anon -- meetings, sponsor, steps, literature -- always helps me see more clearly what my next right action should be. Therapy was also helpful to me in dealing with the trauma of what happened in the past.
I'm sure it is harder with online meetings to make that personal connection with people and to find a sponsor. My suggestion is to try to get phone numbers and call people who feel relatable and who have progressed in their recovery. Some meetings use the chat function for people to share their phone numbers.
I had to reach out -- and I am glad you reached out here. You are not alone.
I too send you a welcome AgainAgain...I am sorry for the loss of your wife and for the pain that brings you to MIP today. I agree with you that zoom/online meetings are not the same as the face to face meetings....I have to keep reminding myself, each day, that this pandemic is affected all 'things' and I must adapt as best I can. It is easier some days than other days.
For me, as I am still living with active disease and loving others with it, I really, really do best when I just focus on one day at a time. I love the Just for Today bookmark I got when I first arrived - if you google for it, you'll find it. It's always helpful to bring me back to just this one day - the present.
I also find our literature helpful in calming my mind/heart when either wants to travel to the past or the future.
Most areas have a central office that you can call into. If they don't answer, usually there is an answering machine that is staffed by volunteers. You can try and call, leaving a message which will result in someone local calling you back. This might give you some local support while we all manage the affects of the pandemic.
Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring - my life works much better when I just stay in today. Know you are not alone - hope you keep coming back!
Welcome Again again. I know your story as I have done it 5 times before finally finding myself with a program worker who I didn't need to be married to. Key word is need as after years of recovery I learned how to do this thing called live in peace of mind and serenity without having to "have" someone else to complete my existence. We have a daily practice that was suggested to us early on...Prayer, meditation, literature, sponsor, service, service, service. Our most necessary partner is our Higher Power and mutual recovery support.
Here you go again...Keep coming back.
Welcome Again.
I am sorry for what brings you here, but glad you reached out. My condolences on the loss of your partner/wife of 26 years.
Al-Anon helped me to understand myself. What I wanted, what I could tolerate, and how to respond to LIFE differently - notice I said, "Life" and not my ASO (addicted significant other - although it helps with that too).
My first stint in Al-Anon I too walked away when my husband "got clean." I didn't stick around beyond 6 months, b/c why would I need to ( I was not the one with the problem)? What I didn't realize was that it is a key program into understanding your own self. It helps you respond in a healthy way to what Life will throw at you... this includes unhealthy people (ones you may be involved with, and ones that are just passing by). Today, I stick around for ME.
The other thing that helped me through my mourning of my 29-year failed marriage was a therapist. Because I was indeed in mourning... even though I initiated the divorce (I learned over time that I could not live with addiction in my life - and sadly (perhaps?), I could not live with the uncertainty of relapse in my life). I finally came to a place of acceptance... but it wasn't really what I wanted... but what I wanted wasn't available to me...so I needed an outside source to help me through that. If you seek a therapist, I would strongly suggest someone who knows in depth about addiction - even now.
I currently have some anxiety about getting older alone, but I am still enjoying/figuring out how to live alone (but not lonely). I know I would not trade my aloneness for the chaos/anxiety and uncertainty of addiction. I found that out through Al-Anon!
That is my ESH. Take what you like and leave the rest. I feel the most important thing is to honor and respect yourself first... b/c the rest will follow!
Wishing you clarity of thought,