Melody Beatty speaks of the idea that many of us have the idea that we are responsible for other people's feelings. That it can have it's roots in childhood, and was established by members of our nuclear family. Perhaps a parent has told you that you make them miserable, or that they wished for a different life. If "we" make them miserable, shouldn't it stand to reason that we could make them happy as well? Well, the idea that we are responsible for our parents' happiness or misery can still instill exaggerated feelings of power and guilt in us.
In reality, Melody goes on to explain, we do not have this kind of power over out parents -- over their feelings, or over the course of their lives. We do not have to allow them to have this kind of power over us. Our parents did the best they could, They may be our parents, but they are not always right. We do not have to accept unhealthy beliefs from them. We are free to examine and choose our beliefs.
Let go of guilt. Let go of excessive and inappropriate feelings of responsibility towards parents and other family members. We do not have to allow their destructive beliefs to control us, our feelings, our behaviors, or our life.
Today's Goal: Today, I will begin the process of setting myself free from any self-defeating beliefs my parents passed on to me. I will strive for appropriate ideas and boundaries concerning how much power and how much responsibility I can actually have in my relationship with my parents.
I chose this reading, because today, I have a 20 year old! So as I do each year, I look back at the good times (and the not so good), and I wonder if I did OK... was I the best parent I could be? Then I chuckle and I joke about where I messed up and that would be the moment that gets regurgitated to a therapist in my kid's later years. Except it isn't that funny. So I worry. Today is also a day where I can look at my own relationship with my parents. Now that I live in their guest house, I am closer than I have been in years to behaviors I wanted to move away from when I was younger.
However, today I have Al-Anon. I have the slogans and the 12 Steps to guide me to a healthier way of responding. No more reacting. I am working on being my own person with my own beliefs - that are independent of anyone else!
I am off to the Chiropractor to address this rib-head that is out and giving me all sorts of grief... I am looking forward to being pain free! It is triple digit hot here, with air that is unhealthy with all the fires... it looks ominous and post-apocalyptic here. After my appointment I will be staying inside.
How about everyone shares what their day will be like today? That way I can enjoy vicariously! LOL!
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Maresie888 said
Aug 23, 2020
I am truly sorry you are in physical pain.
These are unprecedented times.
One more stressor on the pile makes it crumble.
I have found a lot of solace in Melody Beattie. Her books are well thumbed
I am so grateful to be in recovery
Maresie
PosiesandPuppies said
Aug 23, 2020
Thank you, Maresie.
Unfortunately, there wasn't much the Chiro could do, since everything was back in alignment. So I am doing my best and trying to take it easy. I am also grateful to be in recovery!
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Maresie888 said
Aug 23, 2020
I.have been javing some keg pain today
It is a ling story. Pain is so debilitating
I hope rest wi help. I jnke it helps ne
Maresie
DavidG said
Aug 24, 2020
P. and Maresie...
I learned a lot about the pressures put upon us by parents- and about we assumed responsibility well beyond our years... ...not that me memory and emotion has improved- I am beginning to process these memories- and getting a lot more down to specifics.
The distortions and pressure on the personality is immense. I used to call it my "poisonality".
I breath, say the serenity prayer and box on.
Thank goodness for the survivor spirit- and the gift of discernment... ...
PosiesandPuppies said
Aug 24, 2020
Thank you for the well wishes, TT!!
I couldn't agree more with your assessment of the span of your life with your parents. I see the same things in my life. I have some better tools, so I hope that I am making better decisions, but I do so value their input now. I know that I am much more empathetic to them as parents since moving through the stages of adulthood. You just don't "get it" until you experience it, sometimes!
Responsibility for Family Members
Melody Beatty speaks of the idea that many of us have the idea that we are responsible for other people's feelings. That it can have it's roots in childhood, and was established by members of our nuclear family. Perhaps a parent has told you that you make them miserable, or that they wished for a different life. If "we" make them miserable, shouldn't it stand to reason that we could make them happy as well? Well, the idea that we are responsible for our parents' happiness or misery can still instill exaggerated feelings of power and guilt in us.
In reality, Melody goes on to explain, we do not have this kind of power over out parents -- over their feelings, or over the course of their lives. We do not have to allow them to have this kind of power over us. Our parents did the best they could, They may be our parents, but they are not always right. We do not have to accept unhealthy beliefs from them. We are free to examine and choose our beliefs.
Let go of guilt. Let go of excessive and inappropriate feelings of responsibility towards parents and other family members. We do not have to allow their destructive beliefs to control us, our feelings, our behaviors, or our life.
Today's Goal: Today, I will begin the process of setting myself free from any self-defeating beliefs my parents passed on to me. I will strive for appropriate ideas and boundaries concerning how much power and how much responsibility I can actually have in my relationship with my parents.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I chose this reading, because today, I have a 20 year old! So as I do each year, I look back at the good times (and the not so good), and I wonder if I did OK... was I the best parent I could be? Then I chuckle and I joke about where I messed up and that would be the moment that gets regurgitated to a therapist in my kid's later years. Except it isn't that funny. So I worry. Today is also a day where I can look at my own relationship with my parents. Now that I live in their guest house, I am closer than I have been in years to behaviors I wanted to move away from when I was younger.
However, today I have Al-Anon. I have the slogans and the 12 Steps to guide me to a healthier way of responding. No more reacting. I am working on being my own person with my own beliefs - that are independent of anyone else!
I am off to the Chiropractor to address this rib-head that is out and giving me all sorts of grief... I am looking forward to being pain free! It is triple digit hot here, with air that is unhealthy with all the fires... it looks ominous and post-apocalyptic here. After my appointment I will be staying inside.
How about everyone shares what their day will be like today? That way I can enjoy vicariously! LOL!
Unfortunately, there wasn't much the Chiro could do, since everything was back in alignment. So I am doing my best and trying to take it easy.
I am also grateful to be in recovery!
I learned a lot about the pressures put upon us by parents- and about we assumed responsibility well beyond our years... ...not that me memory and emotion has improved- I am beginning to process these memories- and getting a lot more down to specifics.
The distortions and pressure on the personality is immense. I used to call it my "poisonality".
I breath, say the serenity prayer and box on.
Thank goodness for the survivor spirit- and the gift of discernment...
...
I couldn't agree more with your assessment of the span of your life with your parents. I see the same things in my life. I have some better tools, so I hope that I am making better decisions, but I do so value their input now. I know that I am much more empathetic to them as parents since moving through the stages of adulthood. You just don't "get it" until you experience it, sometimes!