My decision to stay married to my A is not an easy life. Although it has important benefits, it is not easy by any means. This union of almost 29 years, brings me back to teachings from Betty, over and over and over again--I cannot force solutions, and I should not have expectations. And it's not that I forget what she taught me, but during peaceful happier days, I slip into wanting things the way they were in our early days, which they will never be again. Too much damage has been done, my A does not want help, and my A cannot be trusted. I still feel sad at times about what could have been, and won't ever be. I work hard to keep my anger and resentment at a low level as it does not help anything at all. Surely another Betty lesson....
PosiesandPuppies said
Aug 20, 2020
Lyne, Hugs to you... I read your shares and understand that this is your choice...but sometimes I can so identify with what you share! Or at least I could. Now I tend to read and say to myself, "I remember feeling that.... wow! What a strong person Lyne is!"
I still catch myself dreaming of what was... only to remind myself that isn't how my qualifier is TODAY, and that I should be very careful of that "magical" thinking. But I do so miss the early life I had. And it does make me sad to think it was tossed away. And I do feel sadness at the thought of old age without someone to support me/lean on. I am accepting my feelings about this. Letting them go.
I love how Betty continues to feed your recovery even from heaven! It is a beautiful thing, really.
Wishing you peace today.
&
Iamhere said
Aug 20, 2020
Lyne - lovely share and can relate in so many ways! I admire the continued effort and courage you show to work your program, grow in recovery and accept what is. My go-to tools that truly help me when I am struggling is One Day at a Time as well as the Acceptance writings from the AA big book. Know that you're not alone and I too am wishing you peace today...(((Hugs)))
SerenityRUS said
Aug 20, 2020
Big hugs Lyne,
TT made me laugh with her reference to Mary Pearl who I also have used when I have felt the walls close in at times. Even today that happens, I think it's just part of finding unhealthy coping skills and having to work on those daily.
Letting go of those dreams of what I think should be vs what is .. boy that's tough stuff.
Hugs S :)
DavidG said
Aug 20, 2020
... Lyne. I learned to hang in there with my SO. It wasn't easy at all.
She is out there sleeping in her camper right now- and she will lie in until about 10 a.m.
She is on holiday- and I joined her last night visiting our son's place.
It breaks my heart to see couples split up- but most/some times it is for the best.
I used to have a lot of worry and heart-ache about the world. Our mum and dad split up after we all left home but the split was there long before. It was a gaping canyon.
I saw Betty's strength while she was here. She came from a big, big city- where there was a lot of Alanon. I may come from the furtherest away Alanon in the world. Small town stuff- but she listened. In the group she included me. She listened wisely. She mentioned something about me that I didn't take to heart. I took it on board- and she did turn out to be right. It was a tweak- but it was also a significant turning point.
I won't steal your thunder here! ...
Nice share to wake up to. Heart-felt.
And a great lesson shared. Thanks.
Lyne said
Aug 21, 2020
Thank you MIP family. {{{MIP}}} I needed your TLC and you gave it! Always grateful.
mamalioness said
Aug 22, 2020
Lyne. Beautiful share. And yeah Betty is the one who taught me how to lower my expectations and to be realistic about them. She taught me how to look at what it is and to come to the place where I can except what is and take care of myself in the meantime and keeping unrealistic expectations at bay as they are only setting me up for resentments when I have unrealistic expectations. Yeah she taught me a whole lot. God bless her!
Maresie888 said
Aug 22, 2020
Betty was such a phenomenal person. What I try to bring everyday is her happiness. No matter where she was she radiated that happiness. Betty was also someone who loved to dress up. I have lost that somewhere.
There is no ambivalence with someone like Betty. Betty transformed her pain into a full and resplendent life. So few people get to do that
Maresie
My decision to stay married to my A is not an easy life. Although it has important benefits, it is not easy by any means. This union of almost 29 years, brings me back to teachings from Betty, over and over and over again--I cannot force solutions, and I should not have expectations. And it's not that I forget what she taught me, but during peaceful happier days, I slip into wanting things the way they were in our early days, which they will never be again. Too much damage has been done, my A does not want help, and my A cannot be trusted. I still feel sad at times about what could have been, and won't ever be. I work hard to keep my anger and resentment at a low level as it does not help anything at all. Surely another Betty lesson....
Lyne,
& 
Hugs to you... I read your shares and understand that this is your choice...but sometimes I can so identify with what you share!
Or at least I could. Now I tend to read and say to myself, "I remember feeling that.... wow! What a strong person Lyne is!"
I still catch myself dreaming of what was... only to remind myself that isn't how my qualifier is TODAY, and that I should be very careful of that "magical" thinking. But I do so miss the early life I had. And it does make me sad to think it was tossed away. And I do feel sadness at the thought of old age without someone to support me/lean on.
I am accepting my feelings about this. Letting them go.
I love how Betty continues to feed your recovery even from heaven! It is a beautiful thing, really.
Wishing you peace today.
TT made me laugh with her reference to Mary Pearl who I also have used when I have felt the walls close in at times. Even today that happens, I think it's just part of finding unhealthy coping skills and having to work on those daily.
Letting go of those dreams of what I think should be vs what is .. boy that's tough stuff.
Hugs S :)
She is out there sleeping in her camper right now- and she will lie in until about 10 a.m.
She is on holiday- and I joined her last night visiting our son's place.
It breaks my heart to see couples split up- but most/some times it is for the best.
I used to have a lot of worry and heart-ache about the world. Our mum and dad split up after we all left home but the split was there long before. It was a gaping canyon.
I saw Betty's strength while she was here. She came from a big, big city- where there was a lot of Alanon. I may come from the furtherest away Alanon in the world. Small town stuff- but she listened. In the group she included me. She listened wisely. She mentioned something about me that I didn't take to heart. I took it on board- and she did turn out to be right. It was a tweak- but it was also a significant turning point.
I won't steal your thunder here!
...
Nice share to wake up to. Heart-felt.
And a great lesson shared.
Thanks.