Years ago,in therapy,my therapist said we all do things,whether good or bad,because of what we get out of them. That if we have repetitive behavior that we want to change we first must understand the purpose it serves.
So I've been reflecting on my anger lately, especially my explosive anger. I've been convincing myself that it's justified,that AH deserves my wrath. He does some pretty out there and hurtful things,he makes me mad so often and so easily.
Honestly though, my anger is a coping mechanism that I go to when I'm anxious and afraid. It eases my anxiety and fear by making me feel powerful and strong. Yelling really loud,ranting and raving are actually the opposite though, they're weakness not strength. And I want to stop doing that.
I think I need to find different and better coping skills.
Just wanted to share to hold myself accountable.
2HP said
Aug 19, 2020
wow, great awareness, Sunny. My sponsor, too, would often ask, "How is that working for you?"
By the time I crawled into al-anon, I was desperate for more sanity and serenity. Expectations and anger did not contribute to my goal. I was baffled when they told me I had choices, I could practice the opposite.
"ACCEPTANCE is the answer to all my problems today"
who knew?
but acceptance didn't mean I had to "like" it. Just accept that it was a battle I could not win (powerless.)
SerenityRUS said
Aug 19, 2020
Big hugs Sunny,
One thing that has always boggled me is justifiable anger too. Yes it's my response to an internal protection as you described however there are situations that yes, this is not ok and yes, anger is the correct response. It is about how I CHOOSE to respond with my emotions .. I'm allowed to feel angry about an unreasonable situation and someone who says that's not ok isn't dealing with their emotions and they are stuffing them. Stuffing anger leads to other issues.
So as Betty used to say .. name it, own it, feel it and let it go.
You are not "wrong" for any feeling you have as feelings aren't facts .. and anger is a tool that can be used for positive change. It's hanging on to anger, allowing anger to control you that is the bigger issue. Hanging on to anger leads to depression and unhealthy coping skills. Allowing angry outbursts only make the situation about you and not about the core issue, I see it more as deflection.
I remember being in counseling with my X and the whole session was about me and I'm going umm .. I'm not the one with the drinking problem .. LOL. Well, my anger allowed the deflection of what was really going on .. dad drinks .. what's wrong with mom kind of stuff. The counselor I got after we split said .. umm .. yah who wouldn't be angry at an unreasonable situation and that clicked for me because people were always telling me don't be angry and thank GOD for my sponsor who said .. yes .. you are allowed to be angry. One of the best speakers I listened to was Father Tom and I had the opportunity to see him real time at one of our spring conventions .. he had a rough flight and I guess lost his temper at a situation .. and someone in the convention actually said he wasn't allowed to get angry because of his position and his program .. OMG .. he was brilliant in his response and basically said first off you don't get to tell me how I feel, and second off it was a normal response of frustration .. between him and my therapist I had permission to get angry and for it to be ok. Anger is not bad. It is an indicator change needs to happen, the person I can change .. me.
GREAT awareness .. :)
(PS - I say "you" insert "me", I'm using this as a generalization)
PosiesandPuppies said
Aug 19, 2020
Brilliant self-evaluation Sunny!!
I too have realized that many of my reactions were really out of FEAR.
I loved SerenityRUS's quote from Betty: "Name it, own it, feel it, let it go." Sounds like you have "named it."
&
-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Wednesday 19th of August 2020 08:59:47 AM
Freetime said
Aug 19, 2020
Sunny and everyone, I am so glad you brought up this topic. Anger -- I never was an angry person until alcoholism in my marriage brought me to my knees.
I love what Serenity said -- "Anger is not bad. It is an indicator change needs to happen.." When I feel powerless to change what's making me angry, that is when it becomes a problem. I like to say that anger is a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there.
Something that helped me, and still helps me is this: When my son (who is not my qualifier), was a teenager, he liked to collect swords. Whenever he had spare money, he would add to his collection. He didn't use the swords, he just liked to have them. When he grew up and moved out, he took most of the swords with him -- but he left behind a set of three that are quite ornamental. They were displayed in his room. When the alcoholic disease got so bad, I moved into my son's old room -- and those swords were there. In my despair and anger, I got a feeling of strength from looking at those swords.
Today those swords are displayed in my living room. They remind me that I do have power over something -- my own attitude, my own actions.
JerryF said
Aug 19, 2020
Good morning all and THANKS SOOOO MUCH FOR THE TOPIC just to let me know that you know and know that you know. The program and my former (now deceased) sponsor taught me that the opposite of anger is acceptance but when I am too late putting that into action. and then...for me I fear the appearance of rage coming. I just got past with a forehead strike with the palm of my hand as for now I have fallen to the insanity I woke up with and to. Argggggh ...anger and fear two peas in a pod that in short time can knock Jerry F to the ground.
My sponsor once asked me what is the first physical thing that your body does when you get fearful and I arrived at the "my fist closes" reality. This morning that fist struck me which again isn't honest or reality. I strike myself and now have to enact an amends to myself.
"abandon myself to God as I understand God. Admit my faults to God and to my fellows... Practice, Practice, Practice....Thanks for being here. (((((MIP)))))
DavidG said
Aug 19, 2020
((((((((((((( Sunny)))))))))))
Great share, bold moves... ...
2HP said
Aug 19, 2020
"I just wanted to share to hold myself accountable."
This statement puts you ahead of so many of us, Sunny. Our literature tells us taking responsibility for ourselves, including our emotions, is key to peace of mind. We stop blaming others for our anger and justifying it. That is what I got from your post and that is what works for me too, realizing how my anger turned me into someone I did not want to be.
they told me the disease is progressive. Not just the disease of alcoholism. Control Freak anxieties escalate too, resulting in the crimes we hear in the news every day. I was told my anger was just one letter away from "danger" and I knew it, I so relate to Jerry's fist.
For me, taking responsibility was certainly not about dismissing or suppressing my anger, nor was it about making myself wrong or bad for angry feelings in the first place. they had convinced me I was powerless over alcoholism and nothing I did would ever change that FACT. and though I had to accept all of that, I still did not like it. and I was powerless over that fact as well.
so what next?
for me, it was necessary to take the program suggestions. the tool for resentments is inventory. I did multiple inventories, investigating my thoughts with a sponsor because my old thinking was not working. It simply did not work to continue being angry at him for something he, too, was powerless over.
it did not happen overnight, it was a process, of course. I did practice turning everything around, to use everything like a mirror. Only then did I realize how angry I was with myself. I had this black and white, all or nothing thinking that kept me stuck in an abusive marriage for over two decades. I saw myself volunteering for more, year after year, like a martyr. Suddenly a light went on inside and there was a shift. By taking responsibility, I now had something to work with, where before, there was none. I was no longer stuck and could now begin to work on the many things about ME that could and should change. everything I had been wanting HIM to do, I began doing myself.
I've had 3 relatives blame their cancer on their life-long anger and frustration. so for me, anger is indeed something I must work to dissipate. I feel grateful to your higher power, Sunny, for bringing you these insights (((hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 19th of August 2020 03:00:56 PM
Iamhere said
Aug 19, 2020
SF - thank you for your honesty, awareness and share. I was immediately reminded of the three A(s) - Awareness, Acceptance and Action. By the time I arrived at Al-Anon, anger was my go-to reaction to just about everything. It did not serve me well and put me into situation after situation where I threw blame/shame all the time. I no longer believe anger is a primary emotion, but instead a secondary emotion - which for me says when I feel the anger/rage rising up, I really, really need to pause long enough to determine what's really going on.
I have had anger longer than I have been affected directly by the disease. It's been a go-to 'action' for me for as long as I can remember. It has never served me well because I was unable to see/look/examine beyond the rage to what was causing it.
Today, I choose to not stop when I feel anger, but instead dig deep with a sponsor or a trusted friend to find what's happening in me - fear, disappointment, hurt, humiliated, frustrated, etc.
I have also been taught that acceptance is the answer to my problems, anger of which is one. I had to find a different way (in recovery) to deal with my anger as it wasn't just anger, it was rage and I would act out (hit/kick holes in walls, rage at people, swing at people, etc.)
Awareness within each of us is so valuable in recovery. I truly applaud your awareness and honestly!
Years ago,in therapy,my therapist said we all do things,whether good or bad,because of what we get out of them. That if we have repetitive behavior that we want to change we first must understand the purpose it serves.
So I've been reflecting on my anger lately, especially my explosive anger. I've been convincing myself that it's justified,that AH deserves my wrath. He does some pretty out there and hurtful things,he makes me mad so often and so easily.
Honestly though, my anger is a coping mechanism that I go to when I'm anxious and afraid. It eases my anxiety and fear by making me feel powerful and strong. Yelling really loud,ranting and raving are actually the opposite though, they're weakness not strength. And I want to stop doing that.
I think I need to find different and better coping skills.
Just wanted to share to hold myself accountable.
By the time I crawled into al-anon, I was desperate for more sanity and serenity. Expectations and anger did not contribute to my goal. I was baffled when they told me I had choices, I could practice the opposite.
"ACCEPTANCE is the answer to all my problems today"
who knew?
but acceptance didn't mean I had to "like" it. Just accept that it was a battle I could not win (powerless.)
One thing that has always boggled me is justifiable anger too. Yes it's my response to an internal protection as you described however there are situations that yes, this is not ok and yes, anger is the correct response. It is about how I CHOOSE to respond with my emotions .. I'm allowed to feel angry about an unreasonable situation and someone who says that's not ok isn't dealing with their emotions and they are stuffing them. Stuffing anger leads to other issues.
So as Betty used to say .. name it, own it, feel it and let it go.
You are not "wrong" for any feeling you have as feelings aren't facts .. and anger is a tool that can be used for positive change. It's hanging on to anger, allowing anger to control you that is the bigger issue. Hanging on to anger leads to depression and unhealthy coping skills. Allowing angry outbursts only make the situation about you and not about the core issue, I see it more as deflection.
I remember being in counseling with my X and the whole session was about me and I'm going umm .. I'm not the one with the drinking problem .. LOL. Well, my anger allowed the deflection of what was really going on .. dad drinks .. what's wrong with mom kind of stuff. The counselor I got after we split said .. umm .. yah who wouldn't be angry at an unreasonable situation and that clicked for me because people were always telling me don't be angry and thank GOD for my sponsor who said .. yes .. you are allowed to be angry. One of the best speakers I listened to was Father Tom and I had the opportunity to see him real time at one of our spring conventions .. he had a rough flight and I guess lost his temper at a situation .. and someone in the convention actually said he wasn't allowed to get angry because of his position and his program .. OMG .. he was brilliant in his response and basically said first off you don't get to tell me how I feel, and second off it was a normal response of frustration .. between him and my therapist I had permission to get angry and for it to be ok. Anger is not bad. It is an indicator change needs to happen, the person I can change .. me.
GREAT awareness .. :)
(PS - I say "you" insert "me", I'm using this as a generalization)
Brilliant self-evaluation Sunny!!
& 
I too have realized that many of my reactions were really out of FEAR.
I loved SerenityRUS's quote from Betty: "Name it, own it, feel it, let it go." Sounds like you have "named it."
-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Wednesday 19th of August 2020 08:59:47 AM
I love what Serenity said -- "Anger is not bad. It is an indicator change needs to happen.." When I feel powerless to change what's making me angry, that is when it becomes a problem. I like to say that anger is a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there.
Something that helped me, and still helps me is this: When my son (who is not my qualifier), was a teenager, he liked to collect swords. Whenever he had spare money, he would add to his collection. He didn't use the swords, he just liked to have them. When he grew up and moved out, he took most of the swords with him -- but he left behind a set of three that are quite ornamental. They were displayed in his room. When the alcoholic disease got so bad, I moved into my son's old room -- and those swords were there. In my despair and anger, I got a feeling of strength from looking at those swords.
Today those swords are displayed in my living room. They remind me that I do have power over something -- my own attitude, my own actions.
Good morning all and THANKS SOOOO MUCH FOR THE TOPIC just to let me know that you know and know that you know. The program and my former (now deceased) sponsor taught me that the opposite of anger is acceptance but when I am too late putting that into action. and then...for me I fear the appearance of rage coming. I just got past with a forehead strike with the palm of my hand as for now I have fallen to the insanity I woke up with and to. Argggggh ...anger and fear two peas in a pod that in short time can knock Jerry F to the ground.
My sponsor once asked me what is the first physical thing that your body does when you get fearful and I arrived at the "my fist closes" reality. This morning that fist struck me which again isn't honest or reality. I strike myself and now have to enact an amends to myself.
"abandon myself to God as I understand God. Admit my faults to God and to my fellows... Practice, Practice, Practice....Thanks for being here. (((((MIP)))))
((((((((((((( Sunny)))))))))))
Great share, bold moves...
...
"I just wanted to share to hold myself accountable."
This statement puts you ahead of so many of us, Sunny. Our literature tells us taking responsibility for ourselves, including our emotions, is key to peace of mind. We stop blaming others for our anger and justifying it. That is what I got from your post and that is what works for me too, realizing how my anger turned me into someone I did not want to be.
they told me the disease is progressive. Not just the disease of alcoholism. Control Freak anxieties escalate too, resulting in the crimes we hear in the news every day. I was told my anger was just one letter away from "danger" and I knew it, I so relate to Jerry's fist.
For me, taking responsibility was certainly not about dismissing or suppressing my anger, nor was it about making myself wrong or bad for angry feelings in the first place. they had convinced me I was powerless over alcoholism and nothing I did would ever change that FACT. and though I had to accept all of that, I still did not like it. and I was powerless over that fact as well.
so what next?
for me, it was necessary to take the program suggestions. the tool for resentments is inventory. I did multiple inventories, investigating my thoughts with a sponsor because my old thinking was not working. It simply did not work to continue being angry at him for something he, too, was powerless over.
it did not happen overnight, it was a process, of course. I did practice turning everything around, to use everything like a mirror. Only then did I realize how angry I was with myself. I had this black and white, all or nothing thinking that kept me stuck in an abusive marriage for over two decades. I saw myself volunteering for more, year after year, like a martyr. Suddenly a light went on inside and there was a shift. By taking responsibility, I now had something to work with, where before, there was none. I was no longer stuck and could now begin to work on the many things about ME that could and should change. everything I had been wanting HIM to do, I began doing myself.
I've had 3 relatives blame their cancer on their life-long anger and frustration. so for me, anger is indeed something I must work to dissipate. I feel grateful to your higher power, Sunny, for bringing you these insights (((hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 19th of August 2020 03:00:56 PM
SF - thank you for your honesty, awareness and share. I was immediately reminded of the three A(s) - Awareness, Acceptance and Action. By the time I arrived at Al-Anon, anger was my go-to reaction to just about everything. It did not serve me well and put me into situation after situation where I threw blame/shame all the time. I no longer believe anger is a primary emotion, but instead a secondary emotion - which for me says when I feel the anger/rage rising up, I really, really need to pause long enough to determine what's really going on.
I have had anger longer than I have been affected directly by the disease. It's been a go-to 'action' for me for as long as I can remember. It has never served me well because I was unable to see/look/examine beyond the rage to what was causing it.
Today, I choose to not stop when I feel anger, but instead dig deep with a sponsor or a trusted friend to find what's happening in me - fear, disappointment, hurt, humiliated, frustrated, etc.
I have also been taught that acceptance is the answer to my problems, anger of which is one. I had to find a different way (in recovery) to deal with my anger as it wasn't just anger, it was rage and I would act out (hit/kick holes in walls, rage at people, swing at people, etc.)
Awareness within each of us is so valuable in recovery. I truly applaud your awareness and honestly!
I am a visual learner, and the following is not CAL or Al-Anon yet very helpful for me because a picture speaks 1,000 words to me. https://creducation.net/resources/anger_management/anger__a_secondary_emotion.html#:~:text=Anger%20is%20often%20called%20a,first%20before%20we%20get%20angry. Keep doing what you're doing, and keep sharing + coming back...it's a great topic and you truly are not alone!