My title idea I say so often. Not so sure if it fits.

At the moment- within my unconscious, stuff is surfacing fairly regularly. It don't have words and ideas attached to it.

These sometimes come later.

A lot of my life i was scared- terrified- of saying things. I had learned that with active alcoholism that is was in a no win situation. As I used to say:- heads you win, tails I lose. 

Agains, by speaking this out loud I am testing the ideas- and how they fit to muy world right now.

Going through the middle years of Alanon I always saw bossy boots trying to control things. Not everyone, of course.

But in the eyes of others- family members, especially I could be seen as a bossy boots as well.

I realise that a lot of us have a really low threshold for stress and triggering.

There are obvious reasons, for this, of course. It is a part of the learning and growing process that we get to deal with this.  ...

On the MIP Step boards I stepped in for  while when our Betty passed. I did not want to ~hold the fort` there, but wanted to remain a part of the Steps group.

I go the opportunity to let go when another member stepped in. I applauded this.

We are not face too face here- but words and actions can tell a lot. And things we say are impossible to hide from. This does not worry me in the least! We are all in good company here.

Betty always showed a certain amount of levity. Grace. Patience.

I admired this... I modelled myself, somewhat on Betty's actions and strategy.

But I also had to make this my own. A test, and a challenge.

So far, so good.

To exhibit healthy boundaries, group boundaries, in a setting like this is an achievement. It is an achievement we all share, together.

Sometimes we have the right to be wrong. The steps have taught me to pick up on my own wrongs.

The end of this coming week I am going to spend time with our son- wholes in a northern settlement. He has set up home with a former gang chick. They are doing well. He is being really careful around lock-down issues. He is being a really good dad...

        ...I think we all agonise a fair bit about our own parenting. Maybe, for me, father to son is the area where i am most critical of myself.

I find that airing and ventilating this stuff is helpful.

Each one of us can pitch our sharing- in a way that we find comfortable-

-and I think our group here develops it's own group conscience as it sees fit.

And sometimes that seems random- with a bit of serendipity thrown in... ...

Saturday morning here- a bit crisp outside here...

...in writing this I realise now that I have a few deadlines this week- jeepers!

But, hey! 

I don't seem to have the same old -do or die- attitudes I used to have. Not the same fear.

Anxiety- and the fear of anxiety... ugh! 

I do welcome comments on my shares. I don't seem to have pressing 'agony aunt' issues any more.

Thanks goodness for that!

Thanks for the share...  

D.

   All work and no play... ...makes Jack a dull boy.

I was reading voter share here- I realise how timid I still am. Very passive aggressive.

I would have hesitated seriously at quoting a non conference approved slogan. In case i was throw out of the room.

This was a state of mind i grew up with.
I did not have a voice. One poem I wrote said:- "You gave me a name, and I found a voice, all numbered and counted, and a captive by choice." But this was just wishful thinking, more than anything else.

It was a bonny afternoon this afternoon. I could hav been out there digging- but I chose to go over the road to the sports ground- and catch a rugby match. I was not a sports person at all.

I reflected on my Saturdays as a kid. Harvesting windfall apples- for feeding pigs. One thing I always recall is picking up pruning one Saturday morning.

Our mum and dad both played golf. But I always suspected they never took us to a golf course because we looked too rough.

This day- I was out picking up pruning. These were all dumped on a heap and burned later- when they had dried out.

Our dad went past the orchard on his golf one day. I lifted my head and waved. He did not respond, nor did he even seem to notice.

Another chore I did was to pick up the bigger bits of wood and stack them by the wood saw. These were cut up and used for firewood.

Most often I did not work for wages. But beside that there was no thanks either. Not even a mention. No discussion- no conversation.

I have had to teach myself about communication really. I was always a good listener, really.

A "fly on the wall kid" is what I call myself.

So I enjoyed the rugby- which our side won. Rugby is somewhat like gridiron, or Aussie rules; maybe with a few basketball moves thrown in.

No sure if this will play outside of AoNZ- bu there goes...