Something I really struggle with is everything feels like a major crisis when it happens. I react as if it is,I behave as if it is,it feels like the end of the world.
Most times it's not an actual crisis and I end up feeling (and probably looking ) like an idiot and I am ashamed. I'm not really sure how much of this is my PTSD or if it's common thing with anyone dealing with an ALO.
Either way, I would appreciate hearing what helps others get through the storms until they're able to think clearly and rationally again.
Freetime said
Aug 12, 2020
Sunny, I definitely was more reactive when living with alcoholism, and before Al-Anon. It was that feeling that something dreadful could happen at any moment, and sometimes that feeling would boil over, even at a trivial thing. I remember one time I had a little outburst when the yoga teacher asked our class to turn our mats to face a different direction than we normally did. There was so much unpredictable in my life that I could not take one more thing being unpredictable. So I get it. I think most people view me as a calm person, and I normally am, but even I could reach the brink of insanity.
Talking to a friend on the phone -- especially an Al-Anon friend -- probably helped the most, as well as physical activity. And remembering slogans, one I that was meaningful at the time was, "Don't believe everything you think!"
-- Edited by Freetime on Wednesday 12th of August 2020 01:50:48 PM
Iamhere said
Aug 12, 2020
(((SF))) - great topic and I can assure you - you are not alone. I had to come to accept that the 'first' thought/action that pops into my head may/may not be the right one. I spent so many years feeling I was in a perpetual state of reacting to life around me, that learning and practicing how to respond instead was not easy.
In the beginning, my sponsor just kept suggesting I focus on listening. Not on the past, not on the future, not on the person - just the message. Often, even with an active alcoholic, there is a message to be heard through the many filters this disease adds to the mix. Over time, I have come to really love, appreciate and practice pausing and praying before I proceed.
Like you mention, I would react and then I felt badly about my actions/words. That simple pause and pray gives me the redirect necessary to really select the better response based on the facts of the situation and not what my brain is projecting/generating. We have not had any nuclear events in my home for several years simply because I have made huge changes in how I deal with and respond to the disease and the diseased.
This does not mean all is well, lovely, calm, etc. There have been dust-ups and more, I just process and proceed differently because I talk it out it with my sponsor, a trusted program friend, my HP or the like. I had to accept early on that those I live with, love and call my family just were not tooled to be of great emotional support to me. This realization didn't make me mad or sad - just gave me the facts I needed to find loving support from others in other ways.
I love my family unconditionally - craziness and all. I've expanded my chosen family to include an assortment of healthy minded folks who give me what I need when I need it - all of which I trust are God-given.
The longer I am in recovery, the more I believe, accept and embrace that there really are no big deals. It is the way my mind sees 'them' and processes 'them' that can be really unhealthy. Just taking a Pause to look for the facts vs. what emotional feeling helps to calm me and be/do different.
-- Edited by Iamhere on Wednesday 12th of August 2020 02:05:26 PM
-- Edited by Iamhere on Wednesday 12th of August 2020 02:05:56 PM
SunnyFrogs said
Aug 13, 2020
Thanks guys. I guess just like anything else it takes patience and practice.
I want to change like right now. It frustrates me so much that I can't just consciously make the decision to do things differently and then do it.
PosiesandPuppies said
Aug 13, 2020
(((((SunnyF))))
I was so You in the beginning of my journey!!! I feel ya!!
I thought to myself, "You are an intelligent, capable woman. You should be able to do this, no problem!
I didn't realize I was using "Reacting" as a tool on myself!! It kept me stuck. It wasn't until I accepted that I had to work through it, not around it did it begin to make sense. And still I had days where I went 1 step forward, and 2 steps back!! I just kept listening to my sponsor, and reading from the veterans here.
Wishing you more peace today.
SerenityRUS said
Aug 13, 2020
Omg .. everything felt like a crisis in the beginning. That was mostly because I was used to running from one crisis to another on a daily basis. Nothing was ok some of that was my want to head off the next train wreck I saw coming. It's a horribly exhausting way to live. Alanon helped me first practice the 3 p's .. followed by more will be revealed .. recognizing what was me making a mountain out of a mole hill or doing the opposite .. turning a mole hill into a mountain. A lot of times if I just sat on my hands and waited for the "feeling" to pass i was ok. That might mean talking to my sponsor or a program friend. Someone who wasn't attached to the situation and could say hmm .. let's talk this through a bit. I always left the conversation feeling more in control of myself vs out of control. Big hugs .. it gets better just keep coming back :)
DavidG said
Aug 13, 2020
Living with active alcoholism:- things seemed life threatening on a daily basis.
There were periods of sullen calm; the calm before the next blow-up storm.
So, naturally, this was my expectation of the world. I was largely unaware of it-
but my inner being was made up of back to back panic attacks. This was my normal.
Being in a place of peace, even just for a few moments, was a start. Then a plan-
The Twelve Steps- to restore my birthright. Phew! So glad I am here. ...
2HP said
Aug 13, 2020
amazing awareness Sunny!
I LOVE David's share. "Then a plan- The Twelve Steps"
that is what works for me too, when I "recognize" my life is starting to feel unmanageable. Your post shows you doing this, Sunny, yea for you!!! awareness is half the battle.
I am grateful that recovery taught me I am powerless not ONLY over the insanity going on outside around me. I am also powerless over the effects it had on me, living in an environment of insanity and dysfunction of which I contributed. sudden impulses or reactivity is something I am powerless over, my brain is wired for crazymaking. sometimes we ourselves feel a need to create a crisis, stir things up when things get too serene.
I love our program because it taught me to watch ME with a bit of detachment. when I recognize life feeling unmanageable, I go right into connecting with higher power in a tangible way. With the feelings you mention, sometimes breathing exercises help calm the panic. Or acupressure or EFT. sometimes repeated affirmations or slogans or the serenity prayer. Sometimes going for a walk in nature is what I need. Sometimes I go directly into my personal sanctuary for meditation. sometimes I just have to tell myself "Feelings are not facts!!" sometimes I phone my sponsor. we have done a few fear inventories together over the years.
Many choices. But definitely having the courage to do what it takes to drop what is not helpful in those moments. The goal is to get calm again and from that place, I make much better decisions. with practice, you find what works for you.
Maresie888 said
Aug 14, 2020
Walking on eggshells is the.norm in living within these kind of relationships. This experience is both exhaustimg and frustrating. That is a very hard olace to.come from on a daily basis.
Negotiating the daily.crises is such a slog through so much hardshio.
I look back on my relationship with the qualifier and find that there was indeed a #crises# every single day. Ni day went without one.
I do not thinkanyone looks like an #idiot# responding to these crises. Thaf is nit at any time whatsoever.
For me personally this year has been one long crises. I had to move out of my apartment because of s rennovation. That was a disaster. I had to change jobs serveral times. I have had to work harder than ever with my orogram bec0ause of the increased cost of living
Having a orogram abd admitting to beimg overwhelmed was a big key. At one point I admitted I.had two much on my.plate.
That was also.key. I started therspy recently and have found it very helpful.
Having the attention of one other person has been very very helpful.
No one looks like an #idiot# in this program. I lknow that one huge step.gor.mr was changing the self talk I.had. i had to chsnge my self talk to a more loving, thoughtful and kind stance. I highly recommend that strategy.
Maresie
SunnyFrogs said
Aug 18, 2020
Thanks everyone.
JerryF said
Aug 20, 2020
I might be little late with this response yet here it is...program fellows helped me with a slogan when I was back then where you are now and this helped lots.
The metaphor for FEAR...because so much fear was involved in crisis management.
F false
E evidence
A appearing real
R real
My evidence just appeared real yet wasn't after investigation. So I dropped the insanity and went on to step 2 entirely. It worked when I worked it that way. Thanks old timers. It was just appearingreal but not. (((Hugs)))
-- Edited by JerryF on Thursday 20th of August 2020 08:43:22 AM
2HP said
Aug 20, 2020
@Jerry, perfect timing for me! I am following you into "step 2 entirely" which for me means dropping the fearful illusion today, that I can be separated from higher power.
NOT REAL and dropping that insanity right now, thank (((((you)))))
Something I really struggle with is everything feels like a major crisis when it happens. I react as if it is,I behave as if it is,it feels like the end of the world.
Most times it's not an actual crisis and I end up feeling (and probably looking ) like an idiot and I am ashamed. I'm not really sure how much of this is my PTSD or if it's common thing with anyone dealing with an ALO.
Either way, I would appreciate hearing what helps others get through the storms until they're able to think clearly and rationally again.
Sunny, I definitely was more reactive when living with alcoholism, and before Al-Anon. It was that feeling that something dreadful could happen at any moment, and sometimes that feeling would boil over, even at a trivial thing. I remember one time I had a little outburst when the yoga teacher asked our class to turn our mats to face a different direction than we normally did. There was so much unpredictable in my life that I could not take one more thing being unpredictable. So I get it. I think most people view me as a calm person, and I normally am, but even I could reach the brink of insanity.
Talking to a friend on the phone -- especially an Al-Anon friend -- probably helped the most, as well as physical activity. And remembering slogans, one I that was meaningful at the time was, "Don't believe everything you think!"
-- Edited by Freetime on Wednesday 12th of August 2020 01:50:48 PM
(((SF))) - great topic and I can assure you - you are not alone. I had to come to accept that the 'first' thought/action that pops into my head may/may not be the right one. I spent so many years feeling I was in a perpetual state of reacting to life around me, that learning and practicing how to respond instead was not easy.
In the beginning, my sponsor just kept suggesting I focus on listening. Not on the past, not on the future, not on the person - just the message. Often, even with an active alcoholic, there is a message to be heard through the many filters this disease adds to the mix. Over time, I have come to really love, appreciate and practice pausing and praying before I proceed.
Like you mention, I would react and then I felt badly about my actions/words. That simple pause and pray gives me the redirect necessary to really select the better response based on the facts of the situation and not what my brain is projecting/generating. We have not had any nuclear events in my home for several years simply because I have made huge changes in how I deal with and respond to the disease and the diseased.
This does not mean all is well, lovely, calm, etc. There have been dust-ups and more, I just process and proceed differently because I talk it out it with my sponsor, a trusted program friend, my HP or the like. I had to accept early on that those I live with, love and call my family just were not tooled to be of great emotional support to me. This realization didn't make me mad or sad - just gave me the facts I needed to find loving support from others in other ways.
I love my family unconditionally - craziness and all. I've expanded my chosen family to include an assortment of healthy minded folks who give me what I need when I need it - all of which I trust are God-given.
The longer I am in recovery, the more I believe, accept and embrace that there really are no big deals. It is the way my mind sees 'them' and processes 'them' that can be really unhealthy. Just taking a Pause to look for the facts vs. what emotional feeling helps to calm me and be/do different.
-- Edited by Iamhere on Wednesday 12th of August 2020 02:05:26 PM
-- Edited by Iamhere on Wednesday 12th of August 2020 02:05:56 PM
I want to change like right now. It frustrates me so much that I can't just consciously make the decision to do things differently and then do it.
I was so You in the beginning of my journey!!! I feel ya!!
I thought to myself, "You are an intelligent, capable woman. You should be able to do this, no problem!
I didn't realize I was using "Reacting" as a tool on myself!! It kept me stuck. It wasn't until I accepted that I had to work through it, not around it did it begin to make sense. And still I had days where I went 1 step forward, and 2 steps back!! I just kept listening to my sponsor, and reading from the veterans here.
Wishing you more peace today.
There were periods of sullen calm; the calm before the next blow-up storm.
So, naturally, this was my expectation of the world. I was largely unaware of it-
but my inner being was made up of back to back panic attacks. This was my normal.
Being in a place of peace, even just for a few moments, was a start. Then a plan-
The Twelve Steps- to restore my birthright. Phew! So glad I am here.
...
I LOVE David's share. "Then a plan- The Twelve Steps"
that is what works for me too, when I "recognize" my life is starting to feel unmanageable. Your post shows you doing this, Sunny, yea for you!!! awareness is half the battle.
I am grateful that recovery taught me I am powerless not ONLY over the insanity going on outside around me. I am also powerless over the effects it had on me, living in an environment of insanity and dysfunction of which I contributed. sudden impulses or reactivity is something I am powerless over, my brain is wired for crazymaking. sometimes we ourselves feel a need to create a crisis, stir things up when things get too serene.
I love our program because it taught me to watch ME with a bit of detachment. when I recognize life feeling unmanageable, I go right into connecting with higher power in a tangible way. With the feelings you mention, sometimes breathing exercises help calm the panic. Or acupressure or EFT. sometimes repeated affirmations or slogans or the serenity prayer. Sometimes going for a walk in nature is what I need. Sometimes I go directly into my personal sanctuary for meditation. sometimes I just have to tell myself "Feelings are not facts!!" sometimes I phone my sponsor. we have done a few fear inventories together over the years.
Many choices. But definitely having the courage to do what it takes to drop what is not helpful in those moments. The goal is to get calm again and from that place, I make much better decisions. with practice, you find what works for you.
I might be little late with this response yet here it is...program fellows helped me with a slogan when I was back then where you are now and this helped lots.
The metaphor for FEAR...because so much fear was involved in crisis management.
F false
E evidence
A appearing real
R real
My evidence just appeared real yet wasn't after investigation. So I dropped the insanity and went on to step 2 entirely. It worked when I worked it that way. Thanks old timers. It was just appearing real but not. (((Hugs)))
-- Edited by JerryF on Thursday 20th of August 2020 08:43:22 AM
NOT REAL and dropping that insanity right now, thank (((((you)))))