Unable to be true to oneself, letting people take advantage in order to please them -- and then feeling either depressed or guilty -- the author was walking this tightrope. As a result of working the Al-Anon program, the author discovered their rights as a person: the right to speak without being interrupted, the right to control their own anonymity, the right to have choices, the right to say no, and how to apply the Serenity Prayer to many situations.
"If nothing I do or say can make people like or dislike me, then I might as well do what is in my best interest as long as it hurts no one else."
Service taught how to set realistic goals, that failure can be a growth opportunity, and how to build positive self-esteem.
Thought for the Day: With every meeting attended, with every Al-Anon tool worked and applied, the ability to value myself expands.
Quote: "Al-Anon taught me that I am worth something, but -- most of all, that I can choose how to live my life." -- From Survival to Recovery
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I have been developing the same strengths as today's author, after a long life of doing the opposite. "I might as well do what is in my best interest as long as it hurts no one else" -- what a concept! I used to be addicted to approval and completely unable to say no. Applying Al-Anon to my daily experiences has given me the opportunity to change.
Today (or yesterday for those of you reading this on Friday) I did a couple of things that I don't believe I could have done before.
(1) I wanted to cancel a subscription, and I was on the phone with the customer service representative The very nice representative, who was just doing his job, started asking me questions designed to get me to change my mind, but I simply said "I've made my decision, I'd like to cancel." I had to say this twice before he gave up the questioning, but I said what I meant, meant what I said, and did not say it meanly. Cancellation completed.
(2) I got a text from an old friend who wants to get together for tea sometime. I would like to do that too, and of course it's complicated with COVID, but "old me" would have spent hours researching and stewing over where, how, and when we could meet. Instead, I told her that looking for a location would stress me out, but I'd like to meet if she could figure out those logistics. I actually told the truth!! And she is going to take care of that and get back to me.
So, in baby steps, I am getting better at people-pleasing the one person I am in charge of -- me.
Iamhere said
Aug 7, 2020
Happy Friday to all and thank you Freetime for your service, the daily and your share/ESH. I too spent tons of energy and time cycling through what I thought was 'life' - doing way too much to please others than myself and feeling restless, irritable and discontent about it all. I truly didn't know how to be/do different; completely unaware of how damaging/unhealthy it was/is.
What I know today is my head/heart are way better aligned when I spend my resources (mind, heart, soul, time, energy, etc.) on healthy things and actions that will move me forward. Practicing mindful responding vs. emotional reacting is not for the weak!! Yet, it's a much, much better strategy for my program and growth.
Al-Anon has given me so many gifts - one of the best is that I always have choices. It's so much easier for me to choose joy each morning and then focus on accepting life on life's terms as each day unfolds. I truly had some distorted/fairy-tale like thoughts, projections, dreams before recovery and missed out on so many moments living in the past or the present. I prefer today to practice a different approach in all things, and it works really well for me, my sanity and serenity.
Make it a great day all - headed to golf @ a new location with a brand new group of ladies. I know deep within this is not something I would have EVER done before recovery. Today, I can trust my HP to not put me in places of discomfort and to be with me when anxiety comes forward (this always happens for me with new people). When I am able to just be authentic me, and just show up, things are genuinely way, way better than OK! Love and light to all...
PosiesandPuppies said
Aug 7, 2020
!WOW! What great ESH today!! Thank you Freetime for your service, and both of you for some quality wisdom!
"Practicing mindful responding vs. emotional reacting." - I love this particular way of saying this!!
I can relate to Freetime's example, as I have also canceled my cable/internet service recently, and had a way different response than usual. Usual (past)responses? "I stated what I wanted plainly...why can't you respect what I say?" and then anger over this trigger of my feelings of low self-worth...anger that gets directed to that poor person on the phone too!!
New response = "Hey, I know you are just doing your job, but my mind is made up, please cancel." No anger, no JADE'ing!
Like the author, I had to understand and embrace my rights, but also learn how to respond appropriately (for myself and others) when those rights invariable get stepped on!
Fabulous Friday Y'all!! Despite so much doom and gloom, I am happy today. I am healthy, I get to to go to a job I love, and the people I love are healthy and near. It's unseasonably cool (nightime window weather!), the birds are twittering away outside, and I can find Serenity here on this board. Thank you MIP Family!
&
Lyne said
Aug 7, 2020
Thanks FT for your service and for both great shares above. Ditto here as being true to myself has been years in the making. And first I had to realize that along with all my flaws, I had good and decent qualities as well. My sponsor taught me to appreciate myself by having me write an asset about myself everyday for the first few years we worked together. Eventually it sunk in, yes, that I deserve respect, the same way I give it to others.
Once on this board, several years ago, someone spoke of getting out of the "Doormat Club" and so I did--I resigned and there is no going back for me. It's not always easy or comfortable, but no one is allowed to walk on me anymore. Grateful member.
Unable to be true to oneself, letting people take advantage in order to please them -- and then feeling either depressed or guilty -- the author was walking this tightrope. As a result of working the Al-Anon program, the author discovered their rights as a person: the right to speak without being interrupted, the right to control their own anonymity, the right to have choices, the right to say no, and how to apply the Serenity Prayer to many situations.
"If nothing I do or say can make people like or dislike me, then I might as well do what is in my best interest as long as it hurts no one else."
Service taught how to set realistic goals, that failure can be a growth opportunity, and how to build positive self-esteem.
Thought for the Day: With every meeting attended, with every Al-Anon tool worked and applied, the ability to value myself expands.
Quote: "Al-Anon taught me that I am worth something, but -- most of all, that I can choose how to live my life." -- From Survival to Recovery
------------------------------
I have been developing the same strengths as today's author, after a long life of doing the opposite. "I might as well do what is in my best interest as long as it hurts no one else" -- what a concept! I used to be addicted to approval and completely unable to say no. Applying Al-Anon to my daily experiences has given me the opportunity to change.
Today (or yesterday for those of you reading this on Friday) I did a couple of things that I don't believe I could have done before.
(1) I wanted to cancel a subscription, and I was on the phone with the customer service representative The very nice representative, who was just doing his job, started asking me questions designed to get me to change my mind, but I simply said "I've made my decision, I'd like to cancel." I had to say this twice before he gave up the questioning, but I said what I meant, meant what I said, and did not say it meanly. Cancellation completed.
(2) I got a text from an old friend who wants to get together for tea sometime. I would like to do that too, and of course it's complicated with COVID, but "old me" would have spent hours researching and stewing over where, how, and when we could meet. Instead, I told her that looking for a location would stress me out, but I'd like to meet if she could figure out those logistics. I actually told the truth!! And she is going to take care of that and get back to me.
So, in baby steps, I am getting better at people-pleasing the one person I am in charge of -- me.
What I know today is my head/heart are way better aligned when I spend my resources (mind, heart, soul, time, energy, etc.) on healthy things and actions that will move me forward. Practicing mindful responding vs. emotional reacting is not for the weak!! Yet, it's a much, much better strategy for my program and growth.
Al-Anon has given me so many gifts - one of the best is that I always have choices. It's so much easier for me to choose joy each morning and then focus on accepting life on life's terms as each day unfolds. I truly had some distorted/fairy-tale like thoughts, projections, dreams before recovery and missed out on so many moments living in the past or the present. I prefer today to practice a different approach in all things, and it works really well for me, my sanity and serenity.
Make it a great day all - headed to golf @ a new location with a brand new group of ladies. I know deep within this is not something I would have EVER done before recovery. Today, I can trust my HP to not put me in places of discomfort and to be with me when anxiety comes forward (this always happens for me with new people). When I am able to just be authentic me, and just show up, things are genuinely way, way better than OK! Love and light to all...
!WOW! What great ESH today!!
& 
Thank you Freetime for your service, and both of you for some quality wisdom!
"Practicing mindful responding vs. emotional reacting." - I love this particular way of saying this!!
I can relate to Freetime's example, as I have also canceled my cable/internet service recently, and had a way different response than usual. Usual (past)responses? "I stated what I wanted plainly...why can't you respect what I say?" and then anger over this trigger of my feelings of low self-worth...anger that gets directed to that poor person on the phone too!!
New response = "Hey, I know you are just doing your job, but my mind is made up, please cancel." No anger, no JADE'ing!
Like the author, I had to understand and embrace my rights, but also learn how to respond appropriately (for myself and others) when those rights invariable get stepped on!
Fabulous Friday Y'all!!
Despite so much doom and gloom, I am happy today. I am healthy, I get to to go to a job I love, and the people I love are healthy and near. It's unseasonably cool (nightime window weather!), the birds are twittering away outside, and I can find Serenity here on this board. Thank you MIP Family!
Once on this board, several years ago, someone spoke of getting out of the "Doormat Club" and so I did--I resigned and there is no going back for me. It's not always easy or comfortable, but no one is allowed to walk on me anymore. Grateful member.