8/4/20 ODAT - Expectations: A Source of Unhappiness
Enigmatic said
Aug 4, 2020
We may feel they are justified, we may feel we have the right to hold them, but today's reading reminds us that it is from our expectations of others that much of our unhappiness, frustration, and anger may spring.
Reminder: Expecting others to follow our determination of what 'should' be done interferes and damages. Stop expecting, increase accepting.
"I, too, often fail to live up to the expects of others."
------------------------- When I was able to reflect honestly, AlAnon helped me realize that I felt disdain for the alcoholic, that I was somehow a better person who knew what 'should' be done and had the right and even the responsibility to tell them what that was.
In AlAnon, I was humbled to realize that I was no better or worse than the alcoholic or anyone else. I have just as many character defects and my own insanity that was driving many misconceptions.
My serenity and peace began the moment I turned the focus on acceptance (ODAT p. 32, 86, 129, 358 are of great help) and what needed to be changed in me. To the extent that I practice that daily, I can experience peace.
So grateful for the wisdom of the program
SerenityRUS said
Aug 4, 2020
Oh, love this I need to review it.
How often have I caused my own unhappiness in any given situation. I just refer back to my relationship with my X .. I was so caught in the diseased of crazy thinking that I caused my own pain without realizing it until way after the fact. I can probably go back to any situation as of yesterday .. LOL .. how have I allowed something someone else has done to rob me of my own serenity?
I really disagree with the whole issue of saying I'm not justified to feel xyz. They are my feelings and I don't feel that not honoring feelings is a positive thing to do .. what happens after I say ok this is how I feel? I DO feel xyz and yes it is justified, however I realize now the mark of emotional maturity is really based upon the issue of how do I handle how I feel. Plus justified resentments are so not fun, even though they are crazy situations at times.
I hear the phrase a LOT .. of how do I manage my emotions where I work regarding kids. I realized something sitting in a company meeting .. how DO I handle and manage my emotions if I didn't learn how to handle and manage my emotions as a child. Yes, it's reasonable to feel angry, sad, mad, out of control even, in an unreasonable situation .. living with an active alcoholic is a myriad of unreasonable situations, .. the alcoholic is going to drink or not drink .. what am I going to do? So for me. I no longer live with an active alcoholic however .. it really does come back to what am I going to do, in whatever situation I am in. Being able to stop and put that in perspective of how do I accept my responses to an unreasonable situation to me is different than I must accept unreasonable situations. There's always a choice. The acceptance is accepting what I am willing to tolerate or what is my line as far as acceptable vs unacceptable.
Thanks for the thought Paul as I am actually going to lean into this today.
S :)
Lyne said
Aug 4, 2020
Thanks Paul for your service and for both great shares. I am guilty of judging my A over and over and over again. I have to stay on top of this negative quality of mine. Because my A also has wonderful and giving qualities. The person getting destroyed is my A. I was getting wrecked as well until program. Most of the time I am able to keep the focus on me, and I am able to see my character defects rather well, thank you very much. My sponsor taught me not to have expectations, and I work on that as well. Progress not perfection.
mamalioness said
Aug 4, 2020
Paul I love this share and thank you for your service
I, too, felt disdain for the alcoholic or drug attic. But when I got deeper into recovery I realized that though I am not addicted to alcohol or drugs, I still have the disease in my head in my stinking thinking and my ism personality
I struggle with control, codependency, irrational fears, I am no better than the poor Soul who is addicted to substances. I have my own crosses to bear so I am nobody to judge another. Oh I might hate the behavior when they impact me and hurt me but I have learned that I can hate the behavior and the disease, but I dont hate the addict. Instead I Lyft them in prayer and hope to God they get into recovery
In the meantime, active alcoholics or drug attics, I choose to keep a distance from them because I have to work on my own stuff and I want to keep my life simple and as drama free as I can but that isnt judging them its just taking care of me
Iamhere said
Aug 4, 2020
Happy Tuesday MIP....thank you Paul for your service and the daily. Thanks to all for the wonderful shares and ESH. I am guilty of judging my A(s) as well as many others in this life. I've spent a ton of my life competing and comparing myself to others, and it's just been such a futile experience all around.
It is in recovery that I've embraced fundamental differences in all of us. I've had to embrace and accept that these differences don't make me better or worse than another, nor them better/worse than I. Differences are just that - differences. Expectations for me are detrimental to my serenity. Even with a healthier group of friends, I can be set up for disappointment if I let expectations lead my day/way. It's so much better for me to always have Plan B even with reliable, trustworthy, mature adults because life happens.
Before recovery, if plans changed, I did not handle it well. I would either rant about it or be saddened by it. I did not have the tooling to just roll with it and do something else. Honestly, I didn't even know to consider/make Plan B, C, etc. So many of our tools that we learn go way beyond the disease and the diseased in my life, and I'm very grateful. I have had some ongoing billing issues with my mobile phone, and my bill has been wrong every month since February. BR (Before Recovery), I would have called in with my righteous indignation, and chastised and scolded the customer service person. Today, I can pause and pray for patience, and just roll with it. As I spoke with my CR rep Saturday, I was a bit more honest about my 6 months of continued action to get this resolved. For my troubles, they gave me a huge credit on my bill. Does it cover the 'value of my time'? No. Was it appreciated? Yes. Did I have to throw a fit to get it? No.
I am a calmer more accepting person today, even when things are going far different than desired, planned or deserved. I know that when I am bothered by another person, place or thing, I need to be looking at what within me is still willing to give my peace/power to another for any reason. I have loved, "To Thine Own Self Be True" and it has special meaning today vs. being just a silly slogan when I began.
I hope everyone had a great day! We're still having absolutely lovely weather, so I have been outside way more than inside today. It's rare that I don't get on the computer until evening, yet here we are and it's exactly as it's supposed to be. Love and light all - (((Hugs))) too!
We may feel they are justified, we may feel we have the right to hold them, but today's reading reminds us that it is from our expectations of others that much of our unhappiness, frustration, and anger may spring.
Reminder: Expecting others to follow our determination of what 'should' be done interferes and damages. Stop expecting, increase accepting.
"I, too, often fail to live up to the expects of others."
-------------------------
When I was able to reflect honestly, AlAnon helped me realize that I felt disdain for the alcoholic, that I was somehow a better person who knew what 'should' be done and had the right and even the responsibility to tell them what that was.
In AlAnon, I was humbled to realize that I was no better or worse than the alcoholic or anyone else. I have just as many character defects and my own insanity that was driving many misconceptions.
My serenity and peace began the moment I turned the focus on acceptance (ODAT p. 32, 86, 129, 358 are of great help) and what needed to be changed in me. To the extent that I practice that daily, I can experience peace.
So grateful for the wisdom of the program
How often have I caused my own unhappiness in any given situation. I just refer back to my relationship with my X .. I was so caught in the diseased of crazy thinking that I caused my own pain without realizing it until way after the fact. I can probably go back to any situation as of yesterday .. LOL .. how have I allowed something someone else has done to rob me of my own serenity?
I really disagree with the whole issue of saying I'm not justified to feel xyz. They are my feelings and I don't feel that not honoring feelings is a positive thing to do .. what happens after I say ok this is how I feel? I DO feel xyz and yes it is justified, however I realize now the mark of emotional maturity is really based upon the issue of how do I handle how I feel. Plus justified resentments are so not fun, even though they are crazy situations at times.
I hear the phrase a LOT .. of how do I manage my emotions where I work regarding kids. I realized something sitting in a company meeting .. how DO I handle and manage my emotions if I didn't learn how to handle and manage my emotions as a child. Yes, it's reasonable to feel angry, sad, mad, out of control even, in an unreasonable situation .. living with an active alcoholic is a myriad of unreasonable situations, .. the alcoholic is going to drink or not drink .. what am I going to do? So for me. I no longer live with an active alcoholic however .. it really does come back to what am I going to do, in whatever situation I am in. Being able to stop and put that in perspective of how do I accept my responses to an unreasonable situation to me is different than I must accept unreasonable situations. There's always a choice. The acceptance is accepting what I am willing to tolerate or what is my line as far as acceptable vs unacceptable.
Thanks for the thought Paul as I am actually going to lean into this today.
S :)
I, too, felt disdain for the alcoholic or drug attic. But when I got deeper into recovery I realized that though I am not addicted to alcohol or drugs, I still have the disease in my head in my stinking thinking and my ism personality
I struggle with control, codependency, irrational fears, I am no better than the poor Soul who is addicted to substances. I have my own crosses to bear so I am nobody to judge another. Oh I might hate the behavior when they impact me and hurt me but I have learned that I can hate the behavior and the disease, but I dont hate the addict. Instead I Lyft them in prayer and hope to God they get into recovery
In the meantime, active alcoholics or drug attics, I choose to keep a distance from them because I have to work on my own stuff and I want to keep my life simple and as drama free as I can but that isnt judging them its just taking care of me
It is in recovery that I've embraced fundamental differences in all of us. I've had to embrace and accept that these differences don't make me better or worse than another, nor them better/worse than I. Differences are just that - differences. Expectations for me are detrimental to my serenity. Even with a healthier group of friends, I can be set up for disappointment if I let expectations lead my day/way. It's so much better for me to always have Plan B even with reliable, trustworthy, mature adults because life happens.
Before recovery, if plans changed, I did not handle it well. I would either rant about it or be saddened by it. I did not have the tooling to just roll with it and do something else. Honestly, I didn't even know to consider/make Plan B, C, etc. So many of our tools that we learn go way beyond the disease and the diseased in my life, and I'm very grateful. I have had some ongoing billing issues with my mobile phone, and my bill has been wrong every month since February. BR (Before Recovery), I would have called in with my righteous indignation, and chastised and scolded the customer service person. Today, I can pause and pray for patience, and just roll with it. As I spoke with my CR rep Saturday, I was a bit more honest about my 6 months of continued action to get this resolved. For my troubles, they gave me a huge credit on my bill. Does it cover the 'value of my time'? No. Was it appreciated? Yes. Did I have to throw a fit to get it? No.
I am a calmer more accepting person today, even when things are going far different than desired, planned or deserved. I know that when I am bothered by another person, place or thing, I need to be looking at what within me is still willing to give my peace/power to another for any reason. I have loved, "To Thine Own Self Be True" and it has special meaning today vs. being just a silly slogan when I began.
I hope everyone had a great day! We're still having absolutely lovely weather, so I have been outside way more than inside today. It's rare that I don't get on the computer until evening, yet here we are and it's exactly as it's supposed to be. Love and light all - (((Hugs))) too!