I would appreciate your support please as I am feeling emotionally very low. I have been living with my active AH while we have been saving some money for us to separate. Unfortunately his behaviour has become more and more unacceptable and I have asked him to leave this week on Tuesday (to fly back to his home country permanently).
I have been working on myself and whilst I know logically that this is the right decision and I can't carry on living like this, nor the children - emotionally I feel distraught. I know this is my own disease making me feel like this -but none the less this is how I feel. Hence the reason for asking for support from you who may have some understanding of how I feel. I thought I had made progress on myself, but at the moment I feel like I am back at square one and all the feelings of codependency and misplaced worry about him have come flooding back.
I hate what this disease has done.
Thank you.
JerryF said
Aug 2, 2020
Thanks for your trust BetterTomorrow. When I was in need like this I also went to the fellowship and asked for help and it always worked better in time as I continued to practice the trust. Along with that I use to also sit in meditation with my Higher Power and listen to its responses regarding my needs and then gained strength when I put into practice HP's suggestions. Yes we separated and then divorced and I had to separate more keeping her our of my business and financial condition which I had not done earlier and ran into problems with my creditors. It all worked out and worked out best when I adhered to the directions that were given to me by HP and the fellowship and others.
I hope this helps. I learned that "No" was a complete sentence so when she and others invited me back into using poor thinking and behaviors I use "No"...don't even have to yell it. ((((good luck...keep coming back))))
Freetime said
Aug 2, 2020
I am sorry you are feeling distraught. Whatever you are feeling, it is valid.
It always helps me to know that the current situation will not last. It will pass. Every hard thing I have gone through, I have ended up feeling better afterwards, in one way or another. Please know you are not alone.
There must be a reason you chose your username -- Better Tomorrow -- because it will be. If not tomorrow, then soon.
2HP said
Aug 2, 2020
Dear friend, I can recall how I knew in my gut our relationship had run its course, I just knew it. I actually filed for divorce twice. My sponsor assured me - we have a right to change our mind.
In the courthouse, as I was signing the divorce decree, I sobbed and sobbed. My dream for us had ended. it was a loss. similar to death. My grief went on for years, sometimes catching me by surprise. it would return and I would wonder what was "wrong" with me?
there is nothing wrong, letting go of old ideas takes time. (((big hugs)))
"I finally understood that I needed to give myself permission to grieve." (from the Al-anon book Opening our Hearts, Transforming our Losses B-29)
PosiesandPuppies said
Aug 3, 2020
(((((Bettertomorrow)))))
Sending you support. I am right there with you... or at least I was. I knew my separation and eventually divorce was the right thing for me, but darn, did I get hit with the loss of my "dream life." At first it was such a situation that I felt immense relief to get free. Then I just concentrated on the 'Next right thing.' It wasn't until I began to feel safe and secure that I began to have all the feelings you are currently feeling. As 2HP said, I had to mourn the loss of my "dream." The life and identity I knew. It can sometimes catch me off-guard, even today. &
Bettertomorrow said
Aug 3, 2020
Thank you everyone for your support and shares. I feel truly held by you all in a safe space.
I will accept that it's ok to feel this way, that I do need to grieve and feel sad for the loss of the hopes and dreams we had in our marriage - but I can already feel the kernel of relief inside me and the children also seem that bit brighter today. My healing continues - thank you all so much. I can't express enough how grateful I am to know that there are a bunch of wonderful people (all of you!) who are ready and willing to give me this support just when I need it. (( ))
Lyne said
Aug 3, 2020
{{{BT}}}. Hope you will have a better tomorrow. I can relate and if you were with your AH for a long time, the grief process can take a long time too. However, for me its an up and down experience, so you probably will have days when you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, along with times of despair. As someone else said, the way you feel right now, is not the way you will always feel. Try to remember that. We are here for you.
SerenityRUS said
Aug 3, 2020
Big hugs,
When my X left, I was completely alone in the middle of the states with no family support. It's truly not easy being the sole support for kids and your household. He tried to basically force a very unfair agreement and I wasn't having it. I hope your situation will be less conflicted than mine was at the time. I am truly sorry you are experiencing this and yes, how you feel today will not be how you feel forever.
For me it took confidence of knowing my HP did not bring me this far to drop me on my butt. Somehow things would workout and they always seem to. Keeping the perspective that this too shall pass, sometimes like a kidney stone however it really will pass.
I just so encourage you to lean in, lean in here, lean in on your HP and lean in on your program. You have come further than you think or it feels right this second. I can tell you 9 years out I have a totally different perspective. It wasn't always easy, sometimes it was scary even, .. things don't stay the same .. ever. Life is constant movement even when I want to remain where I am or it feels like things will never change.
Big hugs,
S :)
Iamhere said
Aug 3, 2020
(((Better Tomorrow))) - I am sending you tons of positive energy and prayers of support. It's never easy to make those hard decisions in our lives even when we know it's for the best. I've stayed in this marriage, but it's not my first. I've also had to have my boys removed from my home for my own safety/sanity - disease related. It took me a long, long, long while to realize that it's perfectly OK to love another from across the street, the city, the country or even the globe.
Love the ESH shared above and hope you will just feel the feelings and do the next right thing, One Day at A Time! Please keep coming back! You're not alone!
Maresie888 said
Aug 4, 2020
I know for me there have been several exits recently. I left one job because one of the supervisors was really overbearing. I also was able to transition to another job
What I have noticed is that when I.draw a line in the sand it doesnt always have a date on it.
I left the job much later than when I set the timeline. I do not know how the arrangements are where you are but usually those kind of exits do not run smooth
One of my.meditation teachers talks about finding the #pause# i dont mean that you should reconsider your decision or make othet arrangements. I think it was essential for ne to find some space particularly when I was under stress
Recently I have been working a lot. That is a good thing in a way because I have an unexpected big bill to pay. I try to find times where I give myself some soace. Tonight it was about allowing myself to leave later. I felt especially tired today because I worked a double shift last night
Today I also allowed myself a nice meal a better attitude towards myself. When the decks are stacked real high up on us we have to start on the self care
These are very hard times for everyone. I hope you will give yourself some space during this transition
Maresie
Bettertomorrow said
Aug 5, 2020
Thank you everyone for your support. He is gone.
Now time to focus on my own recovery and the insight that I have alot of work to do on endings - even now I want to call him to check he is alright!
But the next right thing for me to do just for today is to simply enjoy the new feeling all of us (including the children) have of not being hypervigilant - and getting myself a new haircut tonight (the first in months and also the first thing I have done just for me in a long, long time).
Thank you. x
PosiesandPuppies said
Aug 5, 2020
(((((BT)))))
Now you will exhale.
Great on you for knowing that the work begins with you now. As your family heals and gets used to the new dynamic, you will be their guide on how to cope moving forward. You got this! You have brains, a program, empathy. You are strong!
Dear All,
I would appreciate your support please as I am feeling emotionally very low. I have been living with my active AH while we have been saving some money for us to separate. Unfortunately his behaviour has become more and more unacceptable and I have asked him to leave this week on Tuesday (to fly back to his home country permanently).
I have been working on myself and whilst I know logically that this is the right decision and I can't carry on living like this, nor the children - emotionally I feel distraught. I know this is my own disease making me feel like this -but none the less this is how I feel. Hence the reason for asking for support from you who may have some understanding of how I feel. I thought I had made progress on myself, but at the moment I feel like I am back at square one and all the feelings of codependency and misplaced worry about him have come flooding back.
I hate what this disease has done.
Thank you.
Thanks for your trust BetterTomorrow. When I was in need like this I also went to the fellowship and asked for help and it always worked better in time as I continued to practice the trust. Along with that I use to also sit in meditation with my Higher Power and listen to its responses regarding my needs and then gained strength when I put into practice HP's suggestions. Yes we separated and then divorced and I had to separate more keeping her our of my business and financial condition which I had not done earlier and ran into problems with my creditors. It all worked out and worked out best when I adhered to the directions that were given to me by HP and the fellowship and others.
I hope this helps. I learned that "No" was a complete sentence so when she and others invited me back into using poor thinking and behaviors I use "No"...don't even have to yell it. ((((good luck...keep coming back))))
It always helps me to know that the current situation will not last. It will pass. Every hard thing I have gone through, I have ended up feeling better afterwards, in one way or another. Please know you are not alone.
There must be a reason you chose your username -- Better Tomorrow -- because it will be. If not tomorrow, then soon.
In the courthouse, as I was signing the divorce decree, I sobbed and sobbed. My dream for us had ended. it was a loss. similar to death. My grief went on for years, sometimes catching me by surprise. it would return and I would wonder what was "wrong" with me?
there is nothing wrong, letting go of old ideas takes time. (((big hugs)))
"I finally understood that I needed to give myself permission to grieve." (from the Al-anon book Opening our Hearts, Transforming our Losses B-29)
(((((Bettertomorrow)))))
& 
Sending you support. I am right there with you... or at least I was. I knew my separation and eventually divorce was the right thing for me, but darn, did I get hit with the loss of my "dream life."
At first it was such a situation that I felt immense relief to get free. Then I just concentrated on the 'Next right thing.' It wasn't until I began to feel safe and secure that I began to have all the feelings you are currently feeling. As 2HP said, I had to mourn the loss of my "dream." The life and identity I knew. It can sometimes catch me off-guard, even today.
Thank you everyone for your support and shares. I feel truly held by you all in a safe space.
I will accept that it's ok to feel this way, that I do need to grieve and feel sad for the loss of the hopes and dreams we had in our marriage - but I can already feel the kernel of relief inside me and the children also seem that bit brighter today. My healing continues - thank you all so much. I can't express enough how grateful I am to know that there are a bunch of wonderful people (all of you!) who are ready and willing to give me this support just when I need it. (( ))
When my X left, I was completely alone in the middle of the states with no family support. It's truly not easy being the sole support for kids and your household. He tried to basically force a very unfair agreement and I wasn't having it. I hope your situation will be less conflicted than mine was at the time. I am truly sorry you are experiencing this and yes, how you feel today will not be how you feel forever.
For me it took confidence of knowing my HP did not bring me this far to drop me on my butt. Somehow things would workout and they always seem to. Keeping the perspective that this too shall pass, sometimes like a kidney stone however it really will pass.
I just so encourage you to lean in, lean in here, lean in on your HP and lean in on your program. You have come further than you think or it feels right this second. I can tell you 9 years out I have a totally different perspective. It wasn't always easy, sometimes it was scary even, .. things don't stay the same .. ever. Life is constant movement even when I want to remain where I am or it feels like things will never change.
Big hugs,
S :)
Love the ESH shared above and hope you will just feel the feelings and do the next right thing, One Day at A Time! Please keep coming back! You're not alone!
Thank you everyone for your support. He is gone.
Now time to focus on my own recovery and the insight that I have alot of work to do on endings - even now I want to call him to check he is alright!
But the next right thing for me to do just for today is to simply enjoy the new feeling all of us (including the children) have of not being hypervigilant - and getting myself a new haircut tonight (the first in months and also the first thing I have done just for me in a long, long time).
Thank you. x
Now you will exhale.
Great on you for knowing that the work begins with you now. As your family heals and gets used to the new dynamic, you will be their guide on how to cope moving forward. You got this! You have brains, a program, empathy. You are strong!
Enjoy that haircut!