I say this more times than often. Even as i grow older- much older...
Through my 20's my girls friends got rougher and tougher. In my steps 8 and 9 I took account of these people. Being a country lad- I was much slower on the uptake than my urban counterparts- and I could name each one of them.
Doing Step 11 I could reflect on my choice of life partner. I realised that I had choices- and made choices. I just DID NOT realise that at the time. I thought I was blundering and floundering.
This seems to be the story of my life; and it may well be the story of life itself???
I have a very strong string to my bow here. I have Alanon and one other 12 Step group.
But I do have the advantage of having heard 1000's of personal shares, and 100's of life stories.
So now I have a fair bit of insight into life itself, and especially, now where I fit in.
Objectively my choice of life partner may not have been the best one. But, from the inside looking out there were traits and attributes there- that did make a big different.
it was always very difficult and rocky going. My SO's background was a bit more stable than mine- but not a lot more.
Against that was a background of women's liberation. This is something I saw first hand, with my mum. And, in the general sense I saw it inside of Alanon as well. It felt like I was seeing things unfolding.
I do not think that the process is complete, or perfect, yet. But I do sense that we have come a long way!
This morning I missed something in the paper- but my SO caught up with it.
An old friend had passed away- and the funeral is on Monday. Latterly we had not had much contact... but her mention bough back a flood of memories and associations.
Similarly- when our kid brother passed away nearly three years ago- she encored me to go and deal with it. A big hop step and a jump for me- but I did go and deal with it. And that does include the grieving.
I won't discuss it here- and now- but my SO and I have always been on opposite poles when it came to recovery issues.
But when it came to grief and grieving we do seem to be on the same page. A good start.
Thanks for the chance to make this random share...
...this is a part of the ESH I came to expect in Alanon... tradition 4...
...take what you like, and leave the rest...
PosiesandPuppies said
Jul 31, 2020
Thanks for this insightful share, David.
I am too, recently looking at why I chose the partner I chose.
2HP said
Jul 31, 2020
I was once told to make a list on the right side of a sheet of paper, the problems I had in a nutshell with my parents (neglectful, abusive, critical...)
Then make a list on the left side, the problems I had in a nutshell with my spouse (neglectful, abusive, critical...)
JerryF said
Jul 31, 2020
Thanks David for the reminders of how it comes about. I know today and many of my choices are subconscious and habitual. I lived on the reactive side of the fence for much of my life and almost about all of it with the exception of our program learning and behaviors. Today I practice the program which takes work and when I am not practicing it I am often in a struggle of some sort or other with people who feel entitled at holding some degree of Jerry F management. I have to keep that in mind or find myself in defense mode somewhat. Relationships for me go better when I am working our program and listening closely to my Higher Power. (((hugs)))
Maresie888 said
Jul 31, 2020
I guess I.am envious really. You live in a place where your life is not mired in problems related to covid 19.
Your government took care of the issue. The United States did not. Now there isva huge price to pay for it.
Let's face it I have been living and around alcoholics so I have some bearing on riding through the tough times. However what we are going through with Covid 19 is beyond belief. There are now so many infections that there is no point in contact tracing. That is beyond comprehension.
Most likely.next week is going to.involve another complete shut down. This last few months has been beyond gruelling to deal with.
I have lived in a lot of chaos and am really used to it. Then I go home at night to.a construction site. The place is like living in a construction site.
If you want the perfect recipe for covid bring.in fleets of construction workers and contractors. Then add to that randomn movers. Today there were at least 15 needless to say all.jammed together the whole time they were on site. They are rushing to move people out before the shut down begins. Then they are stuck and not able to.move back. Of course, as part of their big mystery machine no one tells them that.
I think it is great to do a 4th.step around relationships. I certainly weigh my relationships carefully. I have more chance to pause these days. Relationships were intense immediate and enmeshed pretty much straight away. Now they are far more low key. I am also.far far more comfortable with just letting go. I weigh up my needs daily. Now I am just astonished that I can still entertain being around people who are #high# all the time
There is not much.there to relate to.
I am much less oriented to other people's needs. Now I.am far more orientated to my needs and plans. My plans were always totally.enmeshed with other people's plans or needs. I put my plans aside on a routine basis.
One of my current core needs is to just somehow get through this pandemic. I do not see any respite in the near future. I can anticipate what is coming but riding through it requires patience, diligence and tenacity. I.have to.build and nuture that daily.
I like living in.an urban area but unfortunately urban areas are the most affected by.this virus. And the USA is just totally at sea in managing this pandemic completely lost!!
Surrendering every day.
Maresie
DavidG said
Jul 31, 2020
Maresie... I have been to hell and back. But the back I have come back too- is a lot safer and surer than a lot of other places. Being an island is a great advantage for us- and a much smaller country.
M. I read your postings with interest and concern.
I wished I had answers- for everyone and everything. And I cherish those thoughts.
Being around for other people- is something we are good at- as family members.
Knowing that we are being heard; being listened to- is the least we can do.
Through my 20's my girls friends got rougher and tougher. In my steps 8 and 9 I took account of these people. Being a country lad- I was much slower on the uptake than my urban counterparts- and I could name each one of them.
Doing Step 11 I could reflect on my choice of life partner. I realised that I had choices- and made choices. I just DID NOT realise that at the time. I thought I was blundering and floundering.
This seems to be the story of my life; and it may well be the story of life itself???
I have a very strong string to my bow here. I have Alanon and one other 12 Step group.
But I do have the advantage of having heard 1000's of personal shares, and 100's of life stories.
So now I have a fair bit of insight into life itself, and especially, now where I fit in.
Objectively my choice of life partner may not have been the best one. But, from the inside looking out there were traits and attributes there- that did make a big different.
it was always very difficult and rocky going. My SO's background was a bit more stable than mine- but not a lot more.
Against that was a background of women's liberation. This is something I saw first hand, with my mum. And, in the general sense I saw it inside of Alanon as well. It felt like I was seeing things unfolding.
I do not think that the process is complete, or perfect, yet. But I do sense that we have come a long way!
This morning I missed something in the paper- but my SO caught up with it.
An old friend had passed away- and the funeral is on Monday. Latterly we had not had much contact... but her mention bough back a flood of memories and associations.
Similarly- when our kid brother passed away nearly three years ago- she encored me to go and deal with it. A big hop step and a jump for me- but I did go and deal with it. And that does include the grieving.
I won't discuss it here- and now- but my SO and I have always been on opposite poles when it came to recovery issues.
But when it came to grief and grieving we do seem to be on the same page. A good start.
...this is a part of the ESH I came to expect in Alanon... tradition 4...
...take what you like, and leave the rest...
I am too, recently looking at why I chose the partner I chose.
I was once told to make a list on the right side of a sheet of paper, the problems I had in a nutshell with my parents (neglectful, abusive, critical...)
Then make a list on the left side, the problems I had in a nutshell with my spouse (neglectful, abusive, critical...)
Thanks David for the reminders of how it comes about. I know today and many of my choices are subconscious and habitual. I lived on the reactive side of the fence for much of my life and almost about all of it with the exception of our program learning and behaviors. Today I practice the program which takes work and when I am not practicing it I am often in a struggle of some sort or other with people who feel entitled at holding some degree of Jerry F management. I have to keep that in mind or find myself in defense mode somewhat. Relationships for me go better when I am working our program and listening closely to my Higher Power. (((hugs)))
M. I read your postings with interest and concern.
I wished I had answers- for everyone and everything. And I cherish those thoughts.
Being around for other people- is something we are good at- as family members.
Knowing that we are being heard; being listened to- is the least we can do.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Maresie ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))