How to detach with love...not just completely stop caring...
foriver said
Jul 24, 2020
Hi friends,
I've gotten to a point where I don't know if what I'm doing/feeling is considered detaching "with love" or just plain I don't care anymore.
I've been with my A for 5.5 years and we have a 1.5 year old daughter together. He relapses every few weeks - months. Never sober longer than 11 months. Haven't been sober for longer than 4-5 months in the last 2.5 years. I used to have complete breakdowns whenever he would relapse. I would chase after him and just do all sorts of things to try to "prevent" him from drinking more or getting into a trouble, etc. Since having my daughter I've just changed. I mean, I guess I had to. Now I just carry on. Even when he is sober now, he is rude and mean to me, not very helpful with childrearing either. I've just learned to do it all on my own. I really don't even feel a difference in me whether he is drinking or sober.
I don't think this is detaching with love...I feel this is just, I don't care anymore.
Iamhere said
Jul 24, 2020
Welcome to MIP foriver - glad you found us and glad that you shared. I had no idea what detachment meant when I got here but can certainly say that I was lacking that loving feeling! I'm still married to my A and in 29+ years, I can say that the love has ebbed and flowed. There have been moments where I was madly in love and moments where I was completely indifferent.
What I do know is that the more I focus on me and focus on making healthy choices for me, I have better days and feel more centered (serene). I do believe that when I am not sure what I feel or what's going on, pausing to pray before I proceed is very helpful. I am constantly reminded by my sponsor that I'm not supposed to have all the answers all the time - that's the job of my HP.
I keep doing life as best I can one day at a time, and trust that more will be revealed. Keep coming back - you're not alone!
Maresie888 said
Jul 24, 2020
I think.there is a tendency in recovery to.should on ourselves. There are all kinds of detachment
None of them is perfect and none of them are the only.way to do it
The point is to have a life that isnt dominated by someone else's drinking.
I recently.was in.a roommate situation.with an alcoholic (one who I have known for many.years) He was rude obnoxious and generally insufferable. I managed to detach and I have now been out of that #situation# for 3 months
I still have to.deal with him
I have to say even though I.gained insight in a lot of issues I am still angry.about his treatment of.me It doesnt.matter that he is the one who suffers the most. I.have a lot of anger towards him. I do not express that to him. I know that the anger will last a while.
I know I also have some insight into.why he is the way he is. At some point I.will go beyond the anger. Nevertheless I feel our #friendship# has dramatically changed in my life.
I am where I am in that process. I know I will move to.a different space in time
I also know these days I.have limits. He had crossed many of those limits. There are consequences for that type of behavior towards me. There were no consequences before.
Now there are. That is progress. I believe it is progress not oerfection. However long it takes for me to work through that anger is fine with me. I no longer have a yardstick of where I #should be# My anger is valid. My anger is not out of control and Invakue it. My anger helps me to maintain boundaries
Whereever I am right now is good with me. That was not the case for.me before
Maresie
Lyne said
Jul 25, 2020
Welcome foriver. I am also with my A for almost 29 years. Like you in the early years I bent over backwards to stop the drinking and get help for my A. None of that had a positive outcome. I became totally indifferent but in the process I lost myself in a spiral of negative emotions. I came to alanon 7-8 yrs ago. It took me several years to learn how to detach with love, and I can't do it perfectly everyday. Certain behaviors trigger me and I'm just plain detached or with anger, resentment, or disgust. But I have learned that those negative emotions hurt me--they prevent me from feeling at peace. So I work on alanon everyday to keep me centered. I do feel good most of the time now, but this has also taken me several years at working this program. So help is here to grow and heal. It does take time and effort though. I also came to realize that I am worth it!
2HP said
Jul 25, 2020
You do not seem to be harming him in any way, you seem to be practicing our slogan Live and Let Live.
You seem to understand alcoholism is a battle we cannot win (acceptance.) Acceptance does not mean we have to like it.
You may not "care" anymore about investing energy into controlling alcoholism, which is very wise... lesson learned.. wasted energy.
But you are caring for what you can... yourself, your wellbeing, your child, and other ways your energies will bring a positive outcome...
this all seems very loving to me (((hugs)))
Freetime said
Jul 25, 2020
Foriver, welcome! You've gotten such great input here -- the experience, strength, and hope of the group. I hope you will keep coming back.
2HP, thank you for sharing about caring for ourselves, our own well-being. This gives me a new perspective on detaching with love, that I hadn't thought about before. I didn't realize I was doing this, but I have, and it has worked. I had to turn my energies toward myself. The steps helped me appreciate and love myself. Somehow that has helped me to have a more loving attitude towards the alcoholics in my life -- although I must confess that not being in close proximity to them helps too.
JerryF said
Jul 25, 2020
Foriver welcome to the MIP family and grateful for your share.
Our program is about progress not perfection and when I learned that I found my acceptance tool growing. Letting my Alcoholic/Addict wife stumble around and crash into stuff without rescuing her until I got way to bad to live with was okay. I continued to love her unconditionally and increased my self love to the point that where that suffered too badly I could separate myself from it and go on about my own recovery. Eventually Higher Power came into control for me and helped us settle up. I hope she is still clean and sober and I am grateful she was used to teach me how humility worked.
Love is the complete and total acceptance ...of every other human being for exactly who they are.
Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Bettertomorrow said
Jul 26, 2020
Welcome foriver and thank you for your share.
I found detaching with love difficult and it was definitely a journey for me - starting with full attachment and fixing mode, moving into detaching but with anger and then finally detachment with compassion (I am not sure if I am personally at the love stage).
The things which made the difference for me were accepting it as a disease and accepting he made his own choices about his life. We also have children like you and I can understand the challenge of living in a house with an active A whilst trying to look after the children, the house and yourself. I had to learn that I needed all my energy for myself to become and stay healthy. I needed to put strong boundaries in place to give myself physical (another room in our house or outside in nature) and emotional (not getting into any discussions when he has been drinking) distance, plus finding emotional support from friends, Al Anon etc that I wasn't getting from our marriage.
We are now at a place where my husband is still drinking and not seeking recovery. For me personally I am now at stage where I want to separate permanently as this is not what I want for my life, but through Al Anon I can do that with compassion rather than anger. Others stay with their A partners and find happiness. We can only each know what is right for us and for me to be absolutely honest I think 'love' was waning even without the added problem of alcohol and that's maybe why I only feel compassion.
I wish you all the best for your own journey.
2HP said
Jul 26, 2020
I so appreciate the thread, great food for thought.
For me, "detaching with love" is simply "loving what is." Respecting equally that we both want different things out of life, and being okay with the desires of Both (acceptance.)
He loves drinking. I love a life of consciousness.
Some manage to live under the same roof. For me, the abuse made that impossible, I learned to stop sacrificing and martyring my life. I do love him as the father of my children, from 600 miles away.
detaching with love includes love for self too. causing harm to no one.
Hi friends,
I've gotten to a point where I don't know if what I'm doing/feeling is considered detaching "with love" or just plain I don't care anymore.
I've been with my A for 5.5 years and we have a 1.5 year old daughter together. He relapses every few weeks - months. Never sober longer than 11 months. Haven't been sober for longer than 4-5 months in the last 2.5 years. I used to have complete breakdowns whenever he would relapse. I would chase after him and just do all sorts of things to try to "prevent" him from drinking more or getting into a trouble, etc. Since having my daughter I've just changed. I mean, I guess I had to. Now I just carry on. Even when he is sober now, he is rude and mean to me, not very helpful with childrearing either. I've just learned to do it all on my own. I really don't even feel a difference in me whether he is drinking or sober.
I don't think this is detaching with love...I feel this is just, I don't care anymore.
What I do know is that the more I focus on me and focus on making healthy choices for me, I have better days and feel more centered (serene). I do believe that when I am not sure what I feel or what's going on, pausing to pray before I proceed is very helpful. I am constantly reminded by my sponsor that I'm not supposed to have all the answers all the time - that's the job of my HP.
I keep doing life as best I can one day at a time, and trust that more will be revealed. Keep coming back - you're not alone!
You seem to understand alcoholism is a battle we cannot win (acceptance.) Acceptance does not mean we have to like it.
You may not "care" anymore about investing energy into controlling alcoholism, which is very wise... lesson learned.. wasted energy.
But you are caring for what you can... yourself, your wellbeing, your child, and other ways your energies will bring a positive outcome...
this all seems very loving to me (((hugs)))
2HP, thank you for sharing about caring for ourselves, our own well-being. This gives me a new perspective on detaching with love, that I hadn't thought about before. I didn't realize I was doing this, but I have, and it has worked. I had to turn my energies toward myself. The steps helped me appreciate and love myself. Somehow that has helped me to have a more loving attitude towards the alcoholics in my life -- although I must confess that not being in close proximity to them helps too.
Foriver welcome to the MIP family and grateful for your share.
Our program is about progress not perfection and when I learned that I found my acceptance tool growing. Letting my Alcoholic/Addict wife stumble around and crash into stuff without rescuing her until I got way to bad to live with was okay. I continued to love her unconditionally and increased my self love to the point that where that suffered too badly I could separate myself from it and go on about my own recovery. Eventually Higher Power came into control for me and helped us settle up. I hope she is still clean and sober and I am grateful she was used to teach me how humility worked.
Love is the complete and total acceptance ...of every other human being for exactly who they are.
Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Welcome foriver and thank you for your share.
I found detaching with love difficult and it was definitely a journey for me - starting with full attachment and fixing mode, moving into detaching but with anger and then finally detachment with compassion (I am not sure if I am personally at the love stage).
The things which made the difference for me were accepting it as a disease and accepting he made his own choices about his life. We also have children like you and I can understand the challenge of living in a house with an active A whilst trying to look after the children, the house and yourself. I had to learn that I needed all my energy for myself to become and stay healthy. I needed to put strong boundaries in place to give myself physical (another room in our house or outside in nature) and emotional (not getting into any discussions when he has been drinking) distance, plus finding emotional support from friends, Al Anon etc that I wasn't getting from our marriage.
We are now at a place where my husband is still drinking and not seeking recovery. For me personally I am now at stage where I want to separate permanently as this is not what I want for my life, but through Al Anon I can do that with compassion rather than anger. Others stay with their A partners and find happiness. We can only each know what is right for us and for me to be absolutely honest I think 'love' was waning even without the added problem of alcohol and that's maybe why I only feel compassion.
I wish you all the best for your own journey.
For me, "detaching with love" is simply "loving what is." Respecting equally that we both want different things out of life, and being okay with the desires of Both (acceptance.)
He loves drinking. I love a life of consciousness.
Some manage to live under the same roof. For me, the abuse made that impossible, I learned to stop sacrificing and martyring my life. I do love him as the father of my children, from 600 miles away.
detaching with love includes love for self too. causing harm to no one.