I.knew someone who was in rehab for a while. He certainly put on a song amd dance show while he was there. Then post rehab he put on yet another song and dance show. Then he promptly.relapsed I could have seen that coming but I didnt. I was dazzled by the song and dance show he put on. I believe rehab brings up.a lot.for us. I certainly was stirred uo fear, anger trepidation. Resentment, gruef, incredulity, abandonment. There were oiles of issues to work through. Ideally rehab should have a oarallel process for both partners. Certainly some of the programa do like Hazelton. Most of them do not so where does thar leave you. The issue for me being around any alcoholic/addicts is they confabulate comoulsively. They simply make things up. Sometimes it is really innocupus stuff. Sometimes it is huge issues. One lie becomes comoulsuve lying. The trouble is that once I catch the.lie. it is hard to build trust. Trist is a big issue firnme. These days it is one of the ways I feel safe. I was with a partner for 8 years who had a viirulent addiction. He developed najor medical problems. For ne when the trust was at lost I.was at sea. I.fekt like I had completely losr my mooring. Thaf is a horrible feeling I have to say these daus that my expectations then were completely delusional. Even when I was really angry. My.expectations were delusional. I have to examine my expectations all the tine. When I.am around certain people who have failed me in some way I have to review my expectations. I really do not like it and I know the roots of that behavior lie in childhood that was beset with neglect abd trauma. Altering my expectationd around an addict is so key fur me no.matrer whR kimd if relationship i.have wuth them. My expectations are the foundation of what I.set myself up.for. One core issue for me was it was very d8fficult for me to give up those exoectstions because of my own abandonment issues. Those issues were very difficult for me to manage extremeky painful. Now the cost of not managing them is more oainful. This is a good place to come wherever you are in this process. For me the journey is a curcular one. I have long term issues around addiction and codependency Those issues are far removed from.what they were but they are a constant. For me personally being around an adict who is not in recovery is a very draining prospect. My boundaries are very important to me. These days I find the issues around an addict who is not in recovrry pretty difficult to deal with. I am far more important to.myself than I have ever been in the past.. I know it takes a lot of couage to be here. Asking for helo takes a lot of courage too. Thete is a lot of compassion and love here. I.am glad you found this place Maresie

Hi Kay, welcome!

I can relate to some of feelings you describe from when I first found AlAnon. I was terrified, exhausted, worried for my loved one and had tried everything I could think of to help them, and the relapses and drinking continued. I felt that if I didn't find a way to get the drinking to stop they would die...I was lost.

AlAnon is a program that helped me realize the limits of what I can do for the alcoholic, that much of what I can do to help involves letting go of the idea that I am responsible for their drinking, that I can somehow control it, and that I can influence their thinking and actions in ways to get their recovery to stick.

I found relief from the first time I started attending AlAnon meetings and reading the daily readers Courage to Change and One Day at a Time in AlAnon and learning a bit more in depth in Paths to Recovery: AlAnon Steps, Traditions, and Concepts.

I found out there were little I could do directly to stop the alcoholic from drinking, but there was a ton that I could do about my own thinking and perceptions. I found peace for the first time in years soon after grasping some of the concepts, lost the feelings of constant fear, resentment and being overwhelmed. I was able to be a better support and friend for the alcoholic without unreasonable expectations and demands of their recovery.

I hope that you are able to look into AlAnon a bit more and find similar benefits, thank you for sharing where you are at, I look forward to hearing your further thoughts and questions

Kay, welcome...be assured that if you show up to conference approved, official alanon meetings (95% of which are being held via zoom) you will be surrounded by people who have seen what you are seeing, have heard what you are hearing, and have felt what you are feeling. Many, many people you will meet have been where you are. The comforting part is that -- many of those people have gone through it, and have made it through it, and have come out the other side so to speak. They have gotten through it and successfully.

I too felt lost, and that there was no one who could or would understand what my life had become and how I was feeling, so I can very much relate to what you are feeling. Every time my wife went to rehab, which in the moment was a good thing, I would cry, and I was scared, and in the moment, I didn't know what I was scared of. I didn't even know why I was crying, because going to rehab was a good thing. I once spoke with a professional at a "family day" at one of the rehabs. He said a successful rehab stay is when the person stays for rehab for the recommended period of time, participates in the program, etc. -- and then, most important -- leaves rehab and begins to live a life of recovery. Immediate, moment one. They come home, take a deep breath, and they go find out when the next nearby meeting is. They begin to review the material given to them about the first hours and days out of rehab, they go to their first meeting, immediately, and have already met someone, found or is looking for a sponsor, is beginning to work the program, and so on and so on. Everything else, that is not focused on them staying clean and sober, motivated to do, overtly working and efforts toward them, everything else is not successful. The professional said to me -- you will know within 30 minutes of your loved one coming home "who" you are dealing with.

I also learned -- from going to alanon -- that there was nothing I could do to get the alcoholic to stop drinking. Nothing. When my mind started to get back to normal, sound, logical thinking, I took a look at the then last 10 years, and I realized all I had was a 10 year history of failed attempt after failed attempt and not one of them worked! I tried, I did everything, but...the alcoholic will not stop drinking UNLESS and UNTIL they want to. Them. Not us. Her. Not me. This was absolutely opposite of what I felt and where I was. I had to get her to stop. For her, for me, for us. It got to the point where for my own sanity I had to get her to stop. Her drinking was killing me! I felt like I was dying, literally. The panic and anxiety attacks, the heart racing and palpitations, the digestive problems, and more. This had to stop! She had to stop! I had to do it! No, it didn't happen.

While having ZERO control to get her to stop...I had COMPLETE control over me. I couldn't do anything to get her to stop, but I could do everything for me, for my own health, well-being, mental well-being, physical, for my own thinking, sanity, for my own life. Yes, that had to do with change, and that's what alanon teaches, helps, and supports -- making change -- change in my thinking, attitude, behavior, actions, reactions, mindset, perspective, and more. Changed attitudes aid recovery...and that statement is about US...ME... it is reflective and speaks to the focus that if I change my attitude, I can get better, and I can get healthy.

Keep the focus on YOU. The more you look at, analyze, try to figure out, etc. -- what he's doing, why he's doing it, how he's doing it, what and why he's saying what he's saying, and so on -- the more you will drive yourself crazy and the more you are neglecting yourself. That may sound extreme, but it is not. Sometimes this disease -- and the impact it has on us -- takes 100% commitment and effort to get better, to get healthy...and if you think about or focus on the alcoholic for 1% of the time, then you are left with 99% for you. That might not be enough. Of course this is not about ignoring or abandoning the alcoholic -- not at all! -- but we talk about keeping our side of the street clean, focusing on our side of the street, only sweeping our side of the street. His side of the street is, guess what, for him! We learn about acceptance, surrender, and letting go in steps one, two, and three, and how that is the foundation, the beginning of OUR recovery, of us getting better, of us getting healthy.

Yes, it is very difficult when our loved one comes home from rehab. It's a very difficult and complex dynamic, there's a lot going on, etc. -- but his focus, if he wants to, is to be and keep clean and sober. Your focus should be on the same -- if you want to -- for you to become and stay clean and sober from your disease, your stuff, your behaviors, thinking, etc.

When you go to alanon meetings, you will be surrounded by friends. They are not strangers -- they are friends you just haven't met yet. And, again, they understand, they understand you, what you are dealing with, and what you are feeling. They will not judge you for staying, they will not judge you for leaving, they will not tell you to stay or leave, or anything of the like. They -- and the alanon program -- will help you get better, help you get healthy, so that you can make your own decisions.

Right now you are so focused, enmeshed, with him, about him -- and it's hard to live like that. It's hard to even think when that's going on. I remember not wanting to take a shower because my wife would sneak a drink. It was so dysfunctional and very sick. He may want to restore trust and talk about working towards a better future -- he just might not be able or capable of doing so right now. Focusing on his sobriety -- one day at a time might be enough for him to handle right now. That is -- if he wants to.

Just relax. Breathe. Go to (zoom) alanon meetings. Share. Look for a sponsor. Start doing the work. Start looking to make change -- change in you -- start working the program. A sponsor will exponentially accelerate you getting better and getting healthy.

All the best. Keep going back!!!

Excellent points Jerry...thank you so very much for sharing that!!! What you said really resonated with me, and really has helped me remember... I had to stay out of my wife's way when she returned home from rehab, and let her do what she was going to do...AND THAT WAS NO DIFFERENT than me staying out of her way before she went to rehab and while she was in the throws of her disease! Thank you Jerry!

Early on, I was so lost. First, I wasn't staying out of her way before rehab or after! LOL. Then, I made progress, I stayed out of her way before rehab, and then she'd go, and when she got back from rehab I stayed out of her way AS LONG AS SHE WAS DOING WHAT SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE DOING! LOL. Once she didn't, I struggled. Then, after a few rehabs, I realized that when she came home from rehab, and she wasn't doing what she was supposed to do...I had to stay out of her way like I had been doing before she left for rehab! It was such an enlightening and empowering lesson! I learned that I was getting in her way and making things harder for her -- and whatever I was doing WAS NOT working! While I was trying to do for her -- I was really trying to do for me -- and I was failing! My wife had a better chance of succeeding IF I STAYED OUT OF HER WAY!!! So many people don't realize that. I didn't -- not for about 5 years!!!

Thank you very much again Jerry!!! What a great reminder and refresher! When I hear something like that it solidifies my program and my recovery even more!!!

(((Kay))) - I too send a warm welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and so glad that you shared. I too can relate to your experience and it is overwhelming, anxiety-inducing, stressful and nerve-wrecking. I vividly recall fear of showering, fear of leaving to get groceries and very similar. In my mind (affected by this disease), I really thought I was responsible for keeping mine alive. I was beaten down, exhausted and defeated when I arrived @ Al-Anon.

What happened was lovely people welcomed me with open arms. The told me they would love me until I could love myself and that they would share their ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) so I would know I was not alone, nor was I a failure. I was simply an imperfect person who loved an A and got sucked into the chaos/drama/insanity this disease brings.

It was suggested I keep coming back and that I get literature, a sponsor and practice something recovery related each day. There was no pressure and everything shared with me were suggestions - recovery is a personal journey, and most of us do not give advice, judge, direct, etc. It was darn hard to let go of all my warped ideas that I was responsible for the choices, actions, words, deeds of another. It was darn hard to put me first, do for me as much as for others and it was darn hard to break old habits. Yet, slowly, daily, with practice I got better and so did things.

Working this program as best I could, I have been able to trust again, myself mostly and to forgive and find serenity/joy. It took me a long while to find my authentic self who was OK no matter what anyone else was/was not doing. It took me a long while to be able to allow another to make mistakes and learn from them. We do suggest you seek out and attend local F2F (Face to Face) Al-Anon meetings. With the pandemic, many areas are not gathering right now. If you google and go to the official Al-Anon web-site, there's tons of good information as well as listings of alternatives - phone, email, video, etc. meetings.

Please keep coming back and know that you truly are not alone. There is always hope/help in recovery.

Welcome Kay, I cannot add anything to the awesome ESH you got from the others...I was with alkies and druggies because I thought I did not deserve a happy, stable life because I grew up with the craziness....I got into Al-anon and I found ME..worked on ME...and slowly I began to assess whom I want in my life, getting my energy and whom I had to let go because their path was in contradiction to where I wanted my path to be...that does not mean I didn't care about them, i just had decided it was time to take care of me.....

stay?? go??? thats up to you...I would not make any serious decisions until at LEAST 6 months in recovery, till then??? for me it was getting a sponsor, going to as many meetings as I could cram into my days and working the steps and slogans...and beign around folks who could relate to me and understand my situation.....some folks stick it out, I decided to cut my losses and go, but that was me...I've seen folks get so good at managing the stress with detachment skills that they sucessfully live and are quite happy with their alcoholic or addict, but I see , the sucessfull ones are the ones whose partner is working a stringent program, REALLY putting honest discipline in it, abstaining from their drug/drink of choice and doing an honest, open and willing program...THOSE folks can make a good life for themselves....my BFF who sponsors me when I need her to is 40 years sober...she got into AA early 1980-81 and has had maybe 1-2 slips, but thats it..she was stone serious about changing her life and change she did.....its up to him to change....YOU can only change YOU...it begins here and you've taken your first brave step....keep coming back...this program really works