Currently working on step 3.Made the decision. Turned over my will and life. I hear people say that they keep taking back their will. How do you know when you have taken back your will ?
My husband (sober 30 years) needs to go into an assisted living/nursing home. He has dementia and it is getting almost impossible for me to care for him without having a complete nervous breakdown.I have reached the end of my rope. When someone suggested the idea of a nursing home, I became hopeful, saw a light, felt that maybe I could survive this. He will get the care he needs from professionals and I will be able to get back my health, calm my nerves, and have a life.
Dealing with nursing homes during the pandemic is difficult. I can't tour them, I have to do everything by phone and websites. People don't return my calls. I was working with one place and it sounded great but after a month they finally asked me if he needs memory care. Well,yes,dementia. They do not have memory care so they suggested their 'sister' facility. I have been trying to contact someone there but no one seems to be at their desks. After spending all that time talking to the first place, I was so discouraged. I felt like I was dragging information out of her, she gave me vague answers. I just want someone to tell me what they need to know so I can get him in there.Why is it so hard. If they aren't accepting patients now,just say so. If you need more information,tell me what you need.
Anyway,I said all that to say this.I have heard about timing and God's timing is always perfect.They say don't rush into decisions,wait and when it feels right you will know. How do I decide when to wait and when to push ahead. I believe in God's guidance,but I can't just sit back and wait for a miracle. On the other hand,I don't want to get ahead of God and out of His will.
Your thoughts please.
Iris
WendyP said
Jul 15, 2020
Hi Iris52, When I read your sharing your words reminded me so much of me. I use to get myself in such a tangle trying to work something out, and asking my self, whose will was I doing. I use to have a very, very, strong will, which got me through so much in my life. I am a long term member. So,this is what I tried and learnt. You are doing step 3, so If you have given your life over to your God, what ever you do after that, is God's Will. Now, Trust Him.
Try not to worry about whose will you are doing right now, you can't mess up God's Plan. The other thing I have learnt, is if I have a problem, and I try to let Go and Let God, and I pray about it, if the problem goes away, then I know that My God knows that I am not ready to sort it out or deal with it. If, after I have prayed, and it keeps coming back, then I know that He knows that I am ready to handle it.
The other thing I do, is, if I am worried that I am going to go the wrong way, or do the wrong thing, I ask God to block me, and turn me,or the problem around and make it go His way. That brings me Peace of Mind, and takes the pressure off me. What you are trying to do, is important to you and your Husband. Ask God to help you find the way, and don't give up. He will help you, He is holding your Hand, and won't leave you.
I will keep you in my Prayers, and hope you find the help that you need.
I am sending you a {{{Hug}}.
love WendyP.
SerenityRUS said
Jul 15, 2020
"Currently working on step 3.Made the decision. Turned over my will and life. I hear people say that they keep taking back their will. How do you know when you have taken back your will ?"
Hugs and thank you for this because I'm kind of struggling with the give it back .. LOL.
For me I know, I feel like I am in a battle of wills usually mine. Something isn't happening according to MY plan .. something is taking toooooo long, someone isn't doing like they should .. LOL .. it breaks down to where am I trying to control the situation. So, the best course of action for me is to break the steps down to I can't, he can, I'll let him. (please substitute whatever you need in for your HP this is MY stuff). I do a quick self inventory where am I trying to force my own will vs let things be. If I can spot that then I know where I need to back away. It gets easier because I find I feel anxious about the parts I'm forcing, it doesn't feel natural. It takes time.
Big hugs and nice job, S :)
Freetime said
Jul 15, 2020
Iris, my heart is with you! I too had to place my husband in a care facility, it was one of the most stressful times in my life, and I can't imagine going through that process in the current pandemic.
Oh yes, I was so frustrated with why wouldn't someone just take this over and fix it for me, why did I have to do this myself, why did these facilities not have all the services I would expect?. About self-will, I guess I would say to give yourself credit for taking all the steps -- the phone calls, questions, figuring out how to work with these places -- do the things, but let go of the outcome. This is a tough phase -- but it will pass.
And after finding what I thought was the best place, I later had to move him to a different one because the first could not handle his medical condition. But that proved to be a blessing because the second place was so much better.
What got me through this phase was the slogan One Day at a Time. Oh, and I had Al-Anon and I had also found a free support group for caregivers in my community, so I was not going through it totally alone.
So I guess for me, self-will is trying to do it all myself, and letting go of self-will is reaching out and letting others help me. Sometimes the ones I think should be helping me are not, but help is available in other ways that I didn't expect.
Bo said
Jul 15, 2020
What a great question/topic/etc. -- taking back your will! While I am not sure I understand the "timing" aspect of it, I certainly understand -- been there, done that, LOL -- the taking back your will aspect! LOL.
Plenty of people, both those who are and are not "in program" -- rely on their HP, or God, or whatever the case may be. Yes, I hear people say they will wait for their HP or God to guide them, to tell them, to show them, and so on and so on and so on. I get it. I hear people say they have "turned over their will" and "their life" -- to God, to a HP, or again, whatever the case may be. Yes, God's timing is what it is. We plan and God laugh's. You want to make God laugh, go out and make plans! LOL. Yes, there's truth in jest, but while it may be true -- that DOES NOT mean you shouldn't plan. Planning can mean being prepared. It doesn't have to be "the plan" that comes to fruition, or actually happens. Planning can be prudent, preparation, diligent, and yes, necessary.
That said, I don't think there is always a definitive, identifiable, crystal clear point in time or action where one takes back one's will. Sometimes yes, there is. Other times, you'll just know it when you get to it or see it. Other times you will not. God may show you his will...to go on a trip to visit a loved one for example...but he's not coming down here to earth, picking you up, and driving you there! LOL. While my portrayal is facetious -- there is also a valuable lesson there. YOU, YOUR ROLE, YOUR DECISION, YOUR ACTION, and so on...is just that...it is YOURS. One cannot absolve, alleviate, or remove from everything.
Perhaps for your situation -- when to wait and when to push ahead -- there is no right or wrong answer now. Perhaps there won't be tomorrow. Perhaps never. No one knows. However, I agree, you cannot simply sit back and wait for a miracle. You cannot simply sit back and do nothing. Perhaps push ahead with research, due diligence, exploring options, or the like...but without making a final decision. One slogan which ALWAYS worked for me...KEEP YOUR HEAD WHERE YOUR FEET ARE. However, it's not just a slogan. To many it is. It is far more than that. It is a mindset and a very deliberate and strategic process!!! Treat it as such and it will work. In one of the courses I teach, I speak to and about -- go through the first door first. Period. You do not know and should not think about or hypothesize what the second door even looks like, how big or thick it is, what it will take to go through it, and so on. YOU HAVE NOT GONE THROUGH THE FIRST DOOR YET. If you spend 1% effort thinking about the second door, you are only giving 99% effort to the first door...and it demands and deserves 100%...get it!!!
I also believe that most often, God will not let me get ahead of him and his will, but I will elaborate more on that later. I have to go into a meeting (a web meeting).
More to follow...Thank you very much for the great topic...and thank you for everyone who shared!
2HP said
Jul 15, 2020
Like you, iris, I had begun asking this question very early on.
It turned out to be everything HP wanted from me - my full attention and desire to know (Him) better. That turning and constant looking to (Him) will bring great rewards (my experience.) God had used family alcoholism to get me to turn to (Him)...
(FYI, for ease of conversation, I often refer to God as "Him" but for me, the Higher Power is Father, Mother, and BFF combined.)
I was told that whenever I struggle with a step, just back up to the previous step. Build up a little more understanding, keep studying, keep meditating on the principle behind the step.
I know the feeling of doors not opening, it feels like a No and sometimes it is. But I personally believe that trying to find help is "the next right thing" for both of you. with my family experience, Mom felt guilty when Dad became too much for her to handle. Her guilt kept her waiting and waiting and waiting... until she finally collapsed from pneumonia. Only then did she accept that Dad required a whole team of caregivers, it was simply too much for her alone.
"God gave us a brain to use"
...but HOW to use our brain can be very confusing. especially while in the fog of alcoholism without recovery tools. I was so fortunate that my local sponsor was like pure gold. she helped me get clarity to my specific problems, and how to use the steps. she also had fellowship connections to every kind of professional help I needed, she knew members who were nurses, attorneys, accountants, real estate agents, etc. She definitely put me on the "fast track" of feeling more hopeful, faithful, and altogether more successful at life. I never had to do anything on my own again. I hope that despite the pandemic, you can get help by calling your local intergroup office.
Aside from fellowship help, step 11 is about deepening relationship to HP through prayer and meditation. By regular meditation, intuition develops. This becomes a reliable guide and compares to nothing else. you will have knowledge of HP's will - by intuition.
today, your "longing" to be in HP's will is just perfect! Keep in mind, a miracle can be nothing more than a change of thought!
My sponsor was a double winner and taught me the Step Three Prayer which mentions HPs Will 3 times. Together, she and I would say it to bookend every trial I was facing - like going into court and coming out, before and after an exam, an interview, traveling across country, etc. etc. take good care (((iris)))
*STEP THREE PRAYER
God, I offer myself to Thee
Build with me, and do with me as YOU will.
Relieve me of the bondage of self
that I may better do YOUR will.
Take away my difficulties,
that victory over them
may bear witness to those I would help.
Of Your Power.
Your Love.
And Your way of Life.
May I do YOUR WILL always. Amen.
JerryF said
Jul 15, 2020
That is an almost daily conversation we have with HP as it is attached to the side of our fridge 2HP. I have memorized it long ago and keep it also at the tip of my spirit and tongue. ((((hugs))))
Iamhere said
Jul 15, 2020
(((Iris))) - I'll start by sending you positive thoughts and prayers for peace. In my experience, all things go as they are supposed to. When a door closes, or an opportunity slips away, it really was not meant to be. I do trust in the God of my understanding to lead me to the next right thing and I also believe in my soul that the best is yet to come. It is fear, uncertainty - more in my ability to handle 'what is' - that causes me to consider imposing my will with a level of false urgency at times. I very much agree that when I am discontent/restless and not certain, stepping backwards to a previous step is helpful to center me.
I've not had to find outside help for my parents, but supported my parents with both of my grandmothers. Like mentioned above, we put my paternal into a setting that was not a good fit, and had to move her to another center, which also turned out better and much more intimate. We did not have a repeat with my maternal grandmother; where she went worked out well. They both passed in their centers, and we were satisfied with their care. It was stressful at the time, doing the research, interviews, etc. It did all work out as it was supposed to.
I have had to come to accept that during this pandemic, most things are not as they were. From considering a hair-cut to possibly going to the grocery store, it requires more thought, planning, praying and patience. Many places are functioning at less than 50% staff, so getting a person on the phone is challenging and when I reach someone, often I am referred to another, on another day. Things have gotten more complex and what I have practiced is being part of the solution and not part of the problem - seeking to understand. Everyone I encounter is also affected by the pandemic, has home stressors, challenges, etc. Keeping things simple, staying present and taking my HP with me everywhere I go helps greatly.
Sometimes, we just need to breathe and accept that where we are is the exact place/space we're supposed to be. I do believe that all things work out as they are supposed to and keeping my attitude positive helps...love and light to you and yours. Know that you're not alone!
Bo said
Jul 15, 2020
I'll come as close as I can...but the story goes something like this...
A massive flood, which is expected to destroy all in it's path...is heading toward a town...The are Mayor decides to evacuate the entire town and the Governor calls a State of Emergency.
One man decides to stay...Emergency workers arrive in a bus...come and knock on his door and explain they to take him to safety...and he says...No, I am going to stay...I am praying to God for help, I have faith, and he will show me his will for me in his time, and he will protect me...They try to persuade him but he refuses...The flood came, the waters rose...and town was engulfed by water...
A rowboat with emergency workers came up to his house, looked in the window, saw the man, got his attention and said...Please come with us, we are here to save you...and the man said, No, I am going to stay...I have faith in God...I am praying to learn his will for me and I will find it in his time, and God will protect me...They could not convince him.
The waters rose...the man had to climb to the roof of his house...a helicopter flew up...and an emergency worker got on a megaphone and said to the man...We are here to save you...I will lower a rope down to you, grab the rope and we will lift you to safety...The man screamed up and said No, I am going to stay, I am praying, God will protect me and his will for me will become known to me in his time...
They could not convince him...they lowered the rope and he refused to grab the rope...and the helicopter reluctantly flew away.
Very soon the water rose above the level of the rooftop...and the man drowned...He went to Heaven...and he finally met with God...and had the opportunity to discuss this entire situation with God...
He told God, that he had faith in him his entire life, he lived right, he prayed, he always looked to God's will for him and waited to find that will, and this time, like always, I did it all, I prayed, I believed, I had faith in you...and so on and so on...but...God...you didn't save me...you didn't share your will with me...you didn't let it be known to me so I could take action...and I can't help but feel, in all due respect, I feel like you let me down...WHY GOD?
God, very simply, and speaking so very matter of factly said...I sent you a bus, a rowboat, and then a helicopter...I think my will was clear...what more did you expect?
Yes, truth in jest.
There are two sides to every coin.
Going to a West Coast alanon meeting.
More to follow...
WendyP said
Jul 16, 2020
Hi Bo, just read your sharing, I was told that story ages ago, was great for me to hear it again.I have often shared it with others who have been struggling. I also put a footnote onto it.I say, there are 2 ships in the Harbour, one is the Queen Elizabeth,the other, is, the Titanic, which one do you want to get on.
One you can float away with, the other, sank.
Love WendyP.
2HP said
Jul 16, 2020
((iris)) in trying to find a home for Dad, yes we had the same experience, they never seem to answer the phone. grrr
Our starting point was actually contacting the Alzheimers Association. We all went to the family meeting and they answered our questions and gave information about all the local agencies that help families w dementia. They maintained contact until Dad passed. It was a wonderful resource.
Indeed, it was all a lot of work. Looking back, we just kept putting one foot in front of the other, keeping a file of information, just doing one step at a time, the next right thing.
The night mom collapsed, we made one call and basically walked right in. it worked out beautifully despite the difficulties that preceded it. We relied upon Dads primary physicians office to give a referral, and we just followed it since none of us live in their town. it worked out very well.
Often we hear God does not give us more than we can handle and I really scoffed at that in early recovery. My sponsor was quick to make the distinction. It is only "with" God that all things are possible, she said, "First you gotta stop trying to do it alone." (self will)
First things First. For me that slogan means turning to HP to get quiet and still first. A feeling of calm is proof that HP is with me and I am trusting. From that calm, confident feeling, I have made the best decisions, the most powerful ally available is guiding me. Focused on pleasing my Higher power, I do everything at just the right speed. Getting out of myself... my fearful self... God could and would become the new Manager of my life... and restore sanity. absolutely.
-- Edited by 2HP on Thursday 16th of July 2020 08:58:46 AM
Bo said
Jul 16, 2020
One other thing I found from my own experience, and from my learning and working the steps...
I always looked at the step..."Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out...with the mindset that I was praying for knowledge of HIS WILL AND...AND...AND...for THE POWER to carry that out...meaning I pray to obtain, to see, to feel, to know what his will is...and I am also praying FOR THE POWER TO CARRY THAT OUT...praying for me to have the power, courage, strength, whatever it is, praying for me to have that power...so that I can do it...because he is not going to do it for me. Am I to wait for a miracle? Yes, they happen...but will it happen and will it include "it" or "something" or "everything" being done for me? I believe God puts things in my path, things happen because it's his will...and I have to address them, handle them, do something. That's just me. Maybe God makes my sponsor available to provide support, guidance, insight, and help...and he helps me do something, decide, take action.
Alanon is a program of change. We make change. Nothing changes if nothing changes. If you do nothing and just wait for the other person to change -- maybe they will and maybe they won't, and whether it's one hour, one day, one week, month, year, or ten years...while you just wait for the other person to change...understand life may be miserable. That's OK if that's your decision. To each their own. But if you make change, life can get better, you can get better, you can get healthy...whether the alcoholic is drinking or not...conference approved material says that, tells us that. That being said, more to the point, I have learned from my experience that at some point, I have to do something. Perhaps something is nothing, and that too is OK. Doing nothing at a point in time is OK...it can be appropriate...it can be called for...doing nothing if it is a conscious, intentional, deliberate decision...is doing something. Doing nothing -- intentionally -- is a definitive decision and action. But, doing nothing forever...that I don't buy into. Doing nothing, even if intentional, can be habit-forming. It can breed complacency. It can breed fear, laziness, and can be paralyzing.
The original question prompting this discussion was "How do I decide when to wait and when to push ahead. I believe in God's guidance,but I can't just sit back and wait for a miracle. On the other hand, I don't want to get ahead of God and out of His will." -- and upon reflection and thought -- what better questions are there for a sponsor? This is a perfect example of what someone should want to discuss with a sponsor. Someone who -- knows you, your story, your situation, who you are as a person, the intimacy of your life and situation on the spectrum of time, how it's developed, and so much more. The person who is there for you, who goes on the journey WITH you -- not FOR you -- and there is NO ONE better to go to. In all due respect, this forum, like email, is a dead medium. Can one even compare the two? For me, my learning, my experience, I invite the opportunity to read everyone's perspective on something...but it is my sponsor who is going to be on the battlefield with me as I face the challenges of this specific issue...and life!
All the best.
Bo said
Jul 16, 2020
I also think that God's will guides us whether we see it or not, and regardless of when we see it, and even if we never do. That said, I don't buy into "it's going to be what it's going to be" -- when we have the opportunity to address it, handle it, do something, have a hand in, etc. No, we don't create a crisis or prevent one, but there are times preventing a crisis may save someone's life. That too is an opportunity for God's will, and each person believes or doesn't believe that on their own. Sometimes opportunity goes by because we let it. Sometimes opportunity disappears because we allowed it to. Is that God's will? Or did he give us the opportunity and he left it up to us to decide? Or did he give it to us to take? Or to leave? Who knows. I feel there is no absolute -- and that each person makes their own decision -- and another's opinion on that decision is a to each their own, and that the person's decision is not right or wrong to another. I make a decision. Someone else says they would do something different. That doesn't make my decision wrong. It is in fact right -- for me -- as I made that decision. You do not look at the outcome to determine right or wrong after the fact for criticism. Alanon doesn't teach us that. Learning from the outcome is our own lesson to learn.
For me, going to meetings -- official, conference approved meetings -- are part of my life. Zoom, in-person, they are simply different. But it is still a meeting. That's what counts for me. To each their own.
The man in his house was where he was supposed to be...and so was the bus, the rowboat and the helicopter!!! LOL. I guess each of us decide the message and where we are with our will, God's will, and what comes of those things.
iris52 said
Jul 16, 2020
Such wonderful shares. So much wisdom in this group. Thank you all.
2HP. I understand your mother's guilt.Even after all the years of marriage,the drinking, the betrayals, the near divorces, I still find myself trying to shield him from any pain or hurt, even at my own expense.They told me that when he first goes in he will have to be quaratined for 2 weeks because of the virus.The thought of him being in a strange place with no ability to socialize just breaks my heart.I am treating him like a child.I think in some ways I always have.I have always taken care of him in my own way.He hated it and resents it.He said I tried to run his life.That is why he was looking for my replacement,but never found one.Yet I still took him back every time.That was my own fear of being able to live on my own,and I believed no one could take care of him like I could.Being in the nursing home may be difficult for him at first.He will get the care he needs from people who are not exhausted from 24/7 care.He will eventually be able to socialize with the other patients and the staff and he will love that.Most of the time he is not even sure who I am or where he is.
As for the calm you spoke of I am so looking forward to having that.Right now he is not home.His brother comes over every other week and they go get breakfast and then go sit by the lake.That is the only time I can be alone now,and it is only for a couple of hours.That is all his brother can do,he is in his 70's as well.Trying to talk on the phone to anyone is dificult.If I go upstairs he will eventually come up looking for me.If I stay downstairs he constantly interrupts me needing something.There is a mandatory mask rule now in our area so he won't go to his meetings because he hates the mask and won't keep it on.
I long for the day when I can have real alone time with God.I love to read but cannot do that now with the constant interruptions and noise.It took dementia to make me cut the strings from him.Now I am handing him over to others who I know can take better care of him than I can.I will be on my own for the first time in my life.I have confidence that I will be ok,because I know that I am not really alone.
Iris
Maresie888 said
Jul 16, 2020
A caregiver group would give you some leads
This oandemic means of course that no one answers the ohone. Generally at some point they get to the enail.
I have ny own saga of real frustration right now. There are agenvies that can give you sone support
In home supportive services is what you need. A doctor can say tou qualify. That will give you some respite for the job you have ahead of you
There are other services through social services that deal with aging
I do not know where you live but every state has offices called the Center for Independent Living. Getting a live actual ohysical oerson is real tough.
What about a neurologist. If you have the actual diagnosis of dementia that may helo. I appreciate this is an inorecedented time I really do. Nevertheless people are going into nursing homes all the time
Keeo posting keep sharing and keeo looking for support. There has to be online caregiver groups. You need people who have navigated this process and can give you guidance.
Maresie
2HP said
Jul 16, 2020
Well done iris!!! my sponsor told me there is always time to think of God, no matter what my hands are doing and especially washing dishes, lol. The goal of step three to me, is just offering everything to "Him," mind and actions... keeping my heart open to Love and then expressing it. this feels so wonderful because it is our true nature. the wisdom of step three brings welcome relief.
No matter what I am facing, HP is never absent, I only forget. Daily and continuously, when I am feeling unmanageability, I stand at the "turning point" again, just keep turn turn turning in confident faith... practicing trust again. I found myself doing HP's will very naturally.
I feel so grateful to Higher Power, working through all lives represented on this thread, equally loved.
-- Edited by 2HP on Thursday 16th of July 2020 10:49:50 AM
Currently working on step 3.Made the decision. Turned over my will and life. I hear people say that they keep taking back their will. How do you know when you have taken back your will ?
My husband (sober 30 years) needs to go into an assisted living/nursing home. He has dementia and it is getting almost impossible for me to care for him without having a complete nervous breakdown.I have reached the end of my rope. When someone suggested the idea of a nursing home, I became hopeful, saw a light, felt that maybe I could survive this. He will get the care he needs from professionals and I will be able to get back my health, calm my nerves, and have a life.
Dealing with nursing homes during the pandemic is difficult. I can't tour them, I have to do everything by phone and websites. People don't return my calls. I was working with one place and it sounded great but after a month they finally asked me if he needs memory care. Well,yes,dementia. They do not have memory care so they suggested their 'sister' facility. I have been trying to contact someone there but no one seems to be at their desks. After spending all that time talking to the first place, I was so discouraged. I felt like I was dragging information out of her, she gave me vague answers. I just want someone to tell me what they need to know so I can get him in there.Why is it so hard. If they aren't accepting patients now,just say so. If you need more information,tell me what you need.
Anyway,I said all that to say this.I have heard about timing and God's timing is always perfect.They say don't rush into decisions,wait and when it feels right you will know. How do I decide when to wait and when to push ahead. I believe in God's guidance,but I can't just sit back and wait for a miracle. On the other hand,I don't want to get ahead of God and out of His will.
Your thoughts please.
Iris
Hi Iris52, When I read your sharing your words reminded me so much of me. I use to get myself in such a tangle trying to work something out, and asking my self, whose will was I doing. I use to have a very, very, strong will, which got me through so much in my life. I am a long term member. So,this is what I tried and learnt. You are doing step 3, so If you have given your life over to your God, what ever you do after that, is God's Will. Now, Trust Him.
Try not to worry about whose will you are doing right now, you can't mess up God's Plan. The other thing I have learnt, is if I have a problem, and I try to let Go and Let God, and I pray about it, if the problem goes away, then I know that My God knows that I am not ready to sort it out or deal with it. If, after I have prayed, and it keeps coming back, then I know that He knows that I am ready to handle it.
The other thing I do, is, if I am worried that I am going to go the wrong way, or do the wrong thing, I ask God to block me, and turn me,or the problem around and make it go His way. That brings me Peace of Mind, and takes the pressure off me. What you are trying to do, is important to you and your Husband. Ask God to help you find the way, and don't give up. He will help you, He is holding your Hand, and won't leave you.
I will keep you in my Prayers, and hope you find the help that you need.
I am sending you a {{{Hug}}.
love WendyP.
Hugs and thank you for this because I'm kind of struggling with the give it back .. LOL.
For me I know, I feel like I am in a battle of wills usually mine. Something isn't happening according to MY plan .. something is taking toooooo long, someone isn't doing like they should .. LOL .. it breaks down to where am I trying to control the situation. So, the best course of action for me is to break the steps down to I can't, he can, I'll let him. (please substitute whatever you need in for your HP this is MY stuff). I do a quick self inventory where am I trying to force my own will vs let things be. If I can spot that then I know where I need to back away. It gets easier because I find I feel anxious about the parts I'm forcing, it doesn't feel natural. It takes time.
Big hugs and nice job, S :)
Oh yes, I was so frustrated with why wouldn't someone just take this over and fix it for me, why did I have to do this myself, why did these facilities not have all the services I would expect?. About self-will, I guess I would say to give yourself credit for taking all the steps -- the phone calls, questions, figuring out how to work with these places -- do the things, but let go of the outcome. This is a tough phase -- but it will pass.
And after finding what I thought was the best place, I later had to move him to a different one because the first could not handle his medical condition. But that proved to be a blessing because the second place was so much better.
What got me through this phase was the slogan One Day at a Time. Oh, and I had Al-Anon and I had also found a free support group for caregivers in my community, so I was not going through it totally alone.
So I guess for me, self-will is trying to do it all myself, and letting go of self-will is reaching out and letting others help me. Sometimes the ones I think should be helping me are not, but help is available in other ways that I didn't expect.
Plenty of people, both those who are and are not "in program" -- rely on their HP, or God, or whatever the case may be. Yes, I hear people say they will wait for their HP or God to guide them, to tell them, to show them, and so on and so on and so on. I get it. I hear people say they have "turned over their will" and "their life" -- to God, to a HP, or again, whatever the case may be. Yes, God's timing is what it is. We plan and God laugh's. You want to make God laugh, go out and make plans! LOL. Yes, there's truth in jest, but while it may be true -- that DOES NOT mean you shouldn't plan. Planning can mean being prepared. It doesn't have to be "the plan" that comes to fruition, or actually happens. Planning can be prudent, preparation, diligent, and yes, necessary.
That said, I don't think there is always a definitive, identifiable, crystal clear point in time or action where one takes back one's will. Sometimes yes, there is. Other times, you'll just know it when you get to it or see it. Other times you will not. God may show you his will...to go on a trip to visit a loved one for example...but he's not coming down here to earth, picking you up, and driving you there! LOL. While my portrayal is facetious -- there is also a valuable lesson there. YOU, YOUR ROLE, YOUR DECISION, YOUR ACTION, and so on...is just that...it is YOURS. One cannot absolve, alleviate, or remove from everything.
Perhaps for your situation -- when to wait and when to push ahead -- there is no right or wrong answer now. Perhaps there won't be tomorrow. Perhaps never. No one knows. However, I agree, you cannot simply sit back and wait for a miracle. You cannot simply sit back and do nothing. Perhaps push ahead with research, due diligence, exploring options, or the like...but without making a final decision. One slogan which ALWAYS worked for me...KEEP YOUR HEAD WHERE YOUR FEET ARE. However, it's not just a slogan. To many it is. It is far more than that. It is a mindset and a very deliberate and strategic process!!! Treat it as such and it will work. In one of the courses I teach, I speak to and about -- go through the first door first. Period. You do not know and should not think about or hypothesize what the second door even looks like, how big or thick it is, what it will take to go through it, and so on. YOU HAVE NOT GONE THROUGH THE FIRST DOOR YET. If you spend 1% effort thinking about the second door, you are only giving 99% effort to the first door...and it demands and deserves 100%...get it!!!
I also believe that most often, God will not let me get ahead of him and his will, but I will elaborate more on that later. I have to go into a meeting (a web meeting).
More to follow...Thank you very much for the great topic...and thank you for everyone who shared!
It turned out to be everything HP wanted from me - my full attention and desire to know (Him) better. That turning and constant looking to (Him) will bring great rewards (my experience.) God had used family alcoholism to get me to turn to (Him)...
(FYI, for ease of conversation, I often refer to God as "Him" but for me, the Higher Power is Father, Mother, and BFF combined.)
I was told that whenever I struggle with a step, just back up to the previous step. Build up a little more understanding, keep studying, keep meditating on the principle behind the step.
I know the feeling of doors not opening, it feels like a No and sometimes it is. But I personally believe that trying to find help is "the next right thing" for both of you. with my family experience, Mom felt guilty when Dad became too much for her to handle. Her guilt kept her waiting and waiting and waiting... until she finally collapsed from pneumonia. Only then did she accept that Dad required a whole team of caregivers, it was simply too much for her alone.
"God gave us a brain to use"
...but HOW to use our brain can be very confusing. especially while in the fog of alcoholism without recovery tools. I was so fortunate that my local sponsor was like pure gold. she helped me get clarity to my specific problems, and how to use the steps. she also had fellowship connections to every kind of professional help I needed, she knew members who were nurses, attorneys, accountants, real estate agents, etc. She definitely put me on the "fast track" of feeling more hopeful, faithful, and altogether more successful at life. I never had to do anything on my own again. I hope that despite the pandemic, you can get help by calling your local intergroup office.
Aside from fellowship help, step 11 is about deepening relationship to HP through prayer and meditation. By regular meditation, intuition develops. This becomes a reliable guide and compares to nothing else. you will have knowledge of HP's will - by intuition.
today, your "longing" to be in HP's will is just perfect! Keep in mind, a miracle can be nothing more than a change of thought!
My sponsor was a double winner and taught me the Step Three Prayer which mentions HPs Will 3 times. Together, she and I would say it to bookend every trial I was facing - like going into court and coming out, before and after an exam, an interview, traveling across country, etc. etc. take good care (((iris)))
*STEP THREE PRAYER
God, I offer myself to Thee
Build with me, and do with me as YOU will.
Relieve me of the bondage of self
that I may better do YOUR will.
Take away my difficulties,
that victory over them
may bear witness to those I would help.
Of Your Power.
Your Love.
And Your way of Life.
May I do YOUR WILL always. Amen.
That is an almost daily conversation we have with HP as it is attached to the side of our fridge 2HP. I have memorized it long ago and keep it also at the tip of my spirit and tongue. ((((hugs))))
I've not had to find outside help for my parents, but supported my parents with both of my grandmothers. Like mentioned above, we put my paternal into a setting that was not a good fit, and had to move her to another center, which also turned out better and much more intimate. We did not have a repeat with my maternal grandmother; where she went worked out well. They both passed in their centers, and we were satisfied with their care. It was stressful at the time, doing the research, interviews, etc. It did all work out as it was supposed to.
I have had to come to accept that during this pandemic, most things are not as they were. From considering a hair-cut to possibly going to the grocery store, it requires more thought, planning, praying and patience. Many places are functioning at less than 50% staff, so getting a person on the phone is challenging and when I reach someone, often I am referred to another, on another day. Things have gotten more complex and what I have practiced is being part of the solution and not part of the problem - seeking to understand. Everyone I encounter is also affected by the pandemic, has home stressors, challenges, etc. Keeping things simple, staying present and taking my HP with me everywhere I go helps greatly.
Sometimes, we just need to breathe and accept that where we are is the exact place/space we're supposed to be. I do believe that all things work out as they are supposed to and keeping my attitude positive helps...love and light to you and yours. Know that you're not alone!
A massive flood, which is expected to destroy all in it's path...is heading toward a town...The are Mayor decides to evacuate the entire town and the Governor calls a State of Emergency.
One man decides to stay...Emergency workers arrive in a bus...come and knock on his door and explain they to take him to safety...and he says...No, I am going to stay...I am praying to God for help, I have faith, and he will show me his will for me in his time, and he will protect me...They try to persuade him but he refuses...The flood came, the waters rose...and town was engulfed by water...
A rowboat with emergency workers came up to his house, looked in the window, saw the man, got his attention and said...Please come with us, we are here to save you...and the man said, No, I am going to stay...I have faith in God...I am praying to learn his will for me and I will find it in his time, and God will protect me...They could not convince him.
The waters rose...the man had to climb to the roof of his house...a helicopter flew up...and an emergency worker got on a megaphone and said to the man...We are here to save you...I will lower a rope down to you, grab the rope and we will lift you to safety...The man screamed up and said No, I am going to stay, I am praying, God will protect me and his will for me will become known to me in his time...
They could not convince him...they lowered the rope and he refused to grab the rope...and the helicopter reluctantly flew away.
Very soon the water rose above the level of the rooftop...and the man drowned...He went to Heaven...and he finally met with God...and had the opportunity to discuss this entire situation with God...
He told God, that he had faith in him his entire life, he lived right, he prayed, he always looked to God's will for him and waited to find that will, and this time, like always, I did it all, I prayed, I believed, I had faith in you...and so on and so on...but...God...you didn't save me...you didn't share your will with me...you didn't let it be known to me so I could take action...and I can't help but feel, in all due respect, I feel like you let me down...WHY GOD?
God, very simply, and speaking so very matter of factly said...I sent you a bus, a rowboat, and then a helicopter...I think my will was clear...what more did you expect?
Yes, truth in jest.
There are two sides to every coin.
Going to a West Coast alanon meeting.
More to follow...
Hi Bo, just read your sharing, I was told that story ages ago, was great for me to hear it again.I have often shared it with others who have been struggling. I also put a footnote onto it.I say, there are 2 ships in the Harbour, one is the Queen Elizabeth,the other, is, the Titanic, which one do you want to get on.
One you can float away with, the other, sank.
Love WendyP.
((iris)) in trying to find a home for Dad, yes we had the same experience, they never seem to answer the phone. grrr
Our starting point was actually contacting the Alzheimers Association. We all went to the family meeting and they answered our questions and gave information about all the local agencies that help families w dementia. They maintained contact until Dad passed. It was a wonderful resource.
Indeed, it was all a lot of work. Looking back, we just kept putting one foot in front of the other, keeping a file of information, just doing one step at a time, the next right thing.
The night mom collapsed, we made one call and basically walked right in. it worked out beautifully despite the difficulties that preceded it. We relied upon Dads primary physicians office to give a referral, and we just followed it since none of us live in their town. it worked out very well.
Often we hear God does not give us more than we can handle and I really scoffed at that in early recovery. My sponsor was quick to make the distinction. It is only "with" God that all things are possible, she said, "First you gotta stop trying to do it alone." (self will)
First things First. For me that slogan means turning to HP to get quiet and still first. A feeling of calm is proof that HP is with me and I am trusting. From that calm, confident feeling, I have made the best decisions, the most powerful ally available is guiding me. Focused on pleasing my Higher power, I do everything at just the right speed. Getting out of myself... my fearful self... God could and would become the new Manager of my life... and restore sanity. absolutely.
-- Edited by 2HP on Thursday 16th of July 2020 08:58:46 AM
I always looked at the step..."Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out...with the mindset that I was praying for knowledge of HIS WILL AND...AND...AND...for THE POWER to carry that out...meaning I pray to obtain, to see, to feel, to know what his will is...and I am also praying FOR THE POWER TO CARRY THAT OUT...praying for me to have the power, courage, strength, whatever it is, praying for me to have that power...so that I can do it...because he is not going to do it for me. Am I to wait for a miracle? Yes, they happen...but will it happen and will it include "it" or "something" or "everything" being done for me? I believe God puts things in my path, things happen because it's his will...and I have to address them, handle them, do something. That's just me. Maybe God makes my sponsor available to provide support, guidance, insight, and help...and he helps me do something, decide, take action.
Alanon is a program of change. We make change. Nothing changes if nothing changes. If you do nothing and just wait for the other person to change -- maybe they will and maybe they won't, and whether it's one hour, one day, one week, month, year, or ten years...while you just wait for the other person to change...understand life may be miserable. That's OK if that's your decision. To each their own. But if you make change, life can get better, you can get better, you can get healthy...whether the alcoholic is drinking or not...conference approved material says that, tells us that. That being said, more to the point, I have learned from my experience that at some point, I have to do something. Perhaps something is nothing, and that too is OK. Doing nothing at a point in time is OK...it can be appropriate...it can be called for...doing nothing if it is a conscious, intentional, deliberate decision...is doing something. Doing nothing -- intentionally -- is a definitive decision and action. But, doing nothing forever...that I don't buy into. Doing nothing, even if intentional, can be habit-forming. It can breed complacency. It can breed fear, laziness, and can be paralyzing.
The original question prompting this discussion was "How do I decide when to wait and when to push ahead. I believe in God's guidance,but I can't just sit back and wait for a miracle. On the other hand, I don't want to get ahead of God and out of His will." -- and upon reflection and thought -- what better questions are there for a sponsor? This is a perfect example of what someone should want to discuss with a sponsor. Someone who -- knows you, your story, your situation, who you are as a person, the intimacy of your life and situation on the spectrum of time, how it's developed, and so much more. The person who is there for you, who goes on the journey WITH you -- not FOR you -- and there is NO ONE better to go to. In all due respect, this forum, like email, is a dead medium. Can one even compare the two? For me, my learning, my experience, I invite the opportunity to read everyone's perspective on something...but it is my sponsor who is going to be on the battlefield with me as I face the challenges of this specific issue...and life!
All the best.
For me, going to meetings -- official, conference approved meetings -- are part of my life. Zoom, in-person, they are simply different. But it is still a meeting. That's what counts for me. To each their own.
The man in his house was where he was supposed to be...and so was the bus, the rowboat and the helicopter!!! LOL. I guess each of us decide the message and where we are with our will, God's will, and what comes of those things.
Such wonderful shares. So much wisdom in this group. Thank you all.
2HP. I understand your mother's guilt.Even after all the years of marriage,the drinking, the betrayals, the near divorces, I still find myself trying to shield him from any pain or hurt, even at my own expense.They told me that when he first goes in he will have to be quaratined for 2 weeks because of the virus.The thought of him being in a strange place with no ability to socialize just breaks my heart.I am treating him like a child.I think in some ways I always have.I have always taken care of him in my own way.He hated it and resents it.He said I tried to run his life.That is why he was looking for my replacement,but never found one.Yet I still took him back every time.That was my own fear of being able to live on my own,and I believed no one could take care of him like I could.Being in the nursing home may be difficult for him at first.He will get the care he needs from people who are not exhausted from 24/7 care.He will eventually be able to socialize with the other patients and the staff and he will love that.Most of the time he is not even sure who I am or where he is.
As for the calm you spoke of I am so looking forward to having that.Right now he is not home.His brother comes over every other week and they go get breakfast and then go sit by the lake.That is the only time I can be alone now,and it is only for a couple of hours.That is all his brother can do,he is in his 70's as well.Trying to talk on the phone to anyone is dificult.If I go upstairs he will eventually come up looking for me.If I stay downstairs he constantly interrupts me needing something.There is a mandatory mask rule now in our area so he won't go to his meetings because he hates the mask and won't keep it on.
I long for the day when I can have real alone time with God.I love to read but cannot do that now with the constant interruptions and noise.It took dementia to make me cut the strings from him.Now I am handing him over to others who I know can take better care of him than I can.I will be on my own for the first time in my life.I have confidence that I will be ok,because I know that I am not really alone.
Iris
Well done iris!!! my sponsor told me there is always time to think of God, no matter what my hands are doing and especially washing dishes, lol. The goal of step three to me, is just offering everything to "Him," mind and actions... keeping my heart open to Love and then expressing it. this feels so wonderful because it is our true nature. the wisdom of step three brings welcome relief.
No matter what I am facing, HP is never absent, I only forget. Daily and continuously, when I am feeling unmanageability, I stand at the "turning point" again, just keep turn turn turning in confident faith... practicing trust again. I found myself doing HP's will very naturally.
I feel so grateful to Higher Power, working through all lives represented on this thread, equally loved.
-- Edited by 2HP on Thursday 16th of July 2020 10:49:50 AM