has anyone needed extra help (like medication) while dealing with all this?
Dancer66 said
Jul 10, 2020
So life is crazy. My AH is up and down (and never the pass out kinds of drunk, just enough to be mean and annoying). He holds a job (works from home) and only drinks at night. But the changes that have come from his drinking in his attitude and his ability to interact with me and family (even when not drinking) has changed so much. He is extremely emotionally neglectful and at times emotionally abusive (not outright like name calling), but other things that put you on edge. Pandemic not helping because I have soooo much resentment to him and I can't get away. Working with therapist. We tried marriage counseling but stopped because he didn't participate. Thinking of divorce and starting just to look at possibility (so many things to consider, finances, insurance, property, children). Had some other major events that happened to--and he is just not there for support (I think it is from alcohol and its effects). I am handling life on my own. Now with health issues and he is not there--wont help out physically or emotionally. I'm suffering. I am now dealiing with major health issues. I am starting to think about using medications (like antidepressants). Am I weak. I just feel like I am struggling and I am so frustrated doing it on my own. But I am soooo angry with him and I am trying to cope and to stay away from him and do my own thing--again hello pandemic puts a kink in things. Sorry to ramble. I just want to know--have others used antidepressants to help them cope with the situation of a alcoholic spouse/family member when they can't change their situation? Did it help you be calm but still deal with the situation?
Freetime said
Jul 11, 2020
You are not weak. I just want to emphasize that. This handling life on our own, with an alcoholic in the picture, takes tremendous strength, but we can only do it so long before our mental muscles need a break, a way to rest and recharge.
I did not use medication myself, but I used every other resource I could find. A friend of mine, who had more medical knowledge than I, explained antidepressants as a way to give the brain a rest.
Give yourself credit for all the things you have tried. Those are not wasted efforts, they just provide more data to help make a decision on next steps. Maybe let your therapist or physician know what is going on and ask their advice about what is best for you in your individual situation.
It is not weak to look for help in whatever form is good for your health -- it is really really smart.
Iamhere said
Jul 11, 2020
(((Dancer))) - I too do not have experience with any prescribed medications yet know many who have/do rely on them. I just want you to know that I hear you and like Freetime, always remain open to doing whatever it takes to keep me as centered as possible. I also fully agree that we are all going through a pandemic, a once in a lifetime, world-wide virus which we don't know too much about. The information flow, the data, the experts, the politics, the suggestions, etc. are all life-changing and taking a toll on many - self included.
Be gentle with you and do what you feel will help you in the best way possible. Hang in there - you're not alone!
DavidG said
Jul 11, 2020
Dancer... this is an answer only a doctor or therapist can give you.
When I was 17 I had chronic migraine. I went to a specialist and was given 3 meds- 10 pills a day.
This was okay, until I went on a school trip and the meds ran out- it was horrific.
In recent years I have used St John's Wort- which i bought at the supermarket. But here again a doctor's advice is vital- because SJW can react badly with other meds.
We don't stand in each others show, though sometimes we do get close. Some people don't say if they use meds or not. Some do. Either way- for other people I am 100% okay with that.
Could not really leave to divorce my A. because he was my dad. I did everything I could for him- kept him in his home for years. But he had no conscience or empathy- and we lost our home when he died. :(
fact is the alcoholic will always put themselves, and their DOC [drug of choice] ahead of everything else.
No-one would do this willingly or consciously- it is what the disease is all about. It is destructive. :(
This is the sad reality we all face in Alanon. The good thing is that we get to do this together- and to learn to support ourselves and each other. This is what we are best at. ...
Whatever you choose, Dancer- I am a group member here, and I do have your back. You are a born survivor. You have immense courage. ...
Crmans said
Jul 11, 2020
Dancer 66. In my ESH, deciding to take medication is not weak. Its a sign of strength to ask for any kind of help when you are in need. I will answer honestly as I have zero shame in my decision. I take an antidepressant (For anxiety). Different meds can target different issues. I have never experienced this level of anxiety in my life. My AH is my first experience with an alcoholic & to say I was thrown for a loop is an understatement. As someone else mentioned, its completely personal. There is a possibility they can become very hard to stop (wean off). Weighing the pros & cons with a doctor (I found a psychiatrist to be the biggest help because they prescribe AND monitor) was what helped me decide. Also in my experience, I really worked with a therapist on tools to handle depression/anxiety that would work for me to allow for minimal dependence (dosage) of my particular medication. Youre not weak. Youre strong & dealing with trauma & you have an incredible support system here. I hope my share doesnt cross any boundaries.
Crmans said
Jul 11, 2020
Dancer 66, I didnt respond to your question did it help deal withy AH. I find in any situation, when the anxiety is silenced, I have the ability to make better decisions & look at situations from a more balanced view.
Dancer66 said
Jul 11, 2020
Thank you all soooooo much for your support. It is a blessing to be able to share here.
Maresie888 said
Jul 12, 2020
I most certainly recommend anti depressants. There are over the counter light weight ones like sam-e and st johns wort
I most definitely do not think.of myself as weak
In.al anon we have a saying that some of is go to the hardware store to buy bread.
That is we go to.the wrong place for our needs. At some point my qualifier met sine of my needs. So I hung around to see whether he would do it again. That is for 8.years. There were lots of things that kept me there. Then eventually go to.the point of #lose lose#
Nevertheless I do have a lifetime of going to the hardware store to buy bread. I have long sought support from people who were incapable of giving it to me.
I had to work on being my own resource for a while. I was a very #giving# person to everyone else. I.have had to work pretty hard on what it is #to come home to love#
What would that be like. I have had my iwn health issues. Earlier this year I am certain I had Covid 19 (this was before it was seen as a pandemic) I was like a fish out of water. I didnt even have tylenol on hand.
I am certainly working on having what I need on hand. Most of all I work pretty hard on taking care of my health. That is one of my priorities
Being #first# in.my.life is new to.me. i have had to focus hard to get there
Maresie
Enigmatic said
Jul 12, 2020
Hi Dancer,
This topic, as with virtually all brought up on this forum, ultimately require a personal decision, as noted by several contributors above.
What each choose to do and extent to which each chooses to rely on various strategies, medications, faith, etc is uniquely dependent on their set of circumstances, abilities, limitations, liabilities and needs. AlAnon discourages giving advice since none of us know always what is best for ourselves, and we cannot know what is best for others.
From what I've read and studied, there are no limits to what the spiritual program of AlAnon can help us through. There are no exceptions for really 'bad alcoholics', or even pandemics inflated but still much lower than predicted mortality rates. There are simply two basic distinctions AlAnon points out to us: 1) Things over which we are powerless and therefore cannot control, and 2), Things we can control.
AlAnon suggests that the 'insanity' that often expresses itself as anxiety, frustration, resentment, helplessness, hopelessness, etc is the result of mixing up those categories, not from the various issues themselves. AlAnon suggests that we can get through any circumstance by reliance on a power greater than ourselves to handle the things we can't control, and to supply the wisdom and guidance to direct us in the things we can.
Medication in the form of antidepressants is not a spiritual approach that attempts to shape our perceptions, thoughts and actions toward others. Instead, it is typically a bio-mechanical manipulation of non-voluntary neurotransmitter function. Commonly, 30-50% of users fail to respond positively to the treatment, and their use is not without a host of possible negative side effects.
This is not a forum designed to delve into the intricacies and specifics of antidepressant efficacy, but a quick review of the approaches and outcomes reveals major differences between the two approaches and the fact that AlAnon is limitless in its ability to 'work when we work it' and has no negative side effects whatsoever.
For me and without exception, when I find myself struggling with my attitude, it is not a failure of the AlAnon program, guidance or tools, it is my failure to use the tools as they are recommend and trust in a higher power to handle things outside of my control.
I wish you the best in your study and exploration of AlAnon and in all your endeavors :)
Maresie888 said
Jul 12, 2020
I have not had any side effects from anti depresssants. I know many people who take them They sre not a panacea by any means
The side effects of not dealing with depression can be formidable. I know two people who.committed suicide. I would not charecterize either of them as weak
2HP said
Jul 12, 2020
Dancer, I took antidepressants a few years "before" I began Al-anon. His alcoholism was progressing, as were the effects on me, and I went to see a doctor who suggested antidepressants of course...
They did take the edge off. For me, it was more like indifference or apathy. I was still depressed about what was happening, I just didn't react as I had been. I began sleeping a lot more and gained 25 lbs. It felt like an escape but really, there is no such thing. It only delayed what I inevitably had to deal with.
But I did my best at that time and do not have regrets.
Today my meditation practice (another recovery suggestion) manages my stress. whether medication or meditation - I still could not deal with alcoholism without the al-anon program or working at the 12 steps. I do need both. And of course, the deeper you take the steps, the deeper your relationship to Higher power who is the perfect substitute for anything we suffer from... especially depression.
As for the pandemic, it parallels alcoholism to me... the more I understand it, the safer I am without causing harm to myself or others. It has become another opportunity "to practice these principles in all our affairs," as we say.... living Life on Life's terms.
Take care of yourself "whatever" that looks like (((my friend))) do your best... just for today
-- Edited by 2HP on Sunday 12th of July 2020 06:56:30 PM
a4l said
Jul 13, 2020
Yes, they were prescribed, no they didn't help to be calm and deal with the situation. It did wake me up though that *I* the non drinking "sane" one should be in need of medication and that's when I started to work the detachment part of the program, eventually leaving and now doing LATS long distance. I don't agree with medicating symptoms personally if you can root out the cause. But its a personal choice, as long as it's made in awareness. We get depressed,anxious, sad, angry, tired for a reason: the body is telling us something needs changing in our lifestyle. Take good care.
Simple Life said
Jul 23, 2020
Hi Dancer66. All I know that I became VERY depressed thru the thick of the all the alcoholics acting out. Had tried antidepressants before and they did only make me numb and kinda more depressed because now I felt nothing, not even some happy times. Made myself go to a psychiatrist instead of a primary care doctor (oh the shame! LOL) and was diagnosed with ADHD. Which explained a lotta MY actions ha ha. I found tho, that I was depressed because I couldn't cope with both him & me at the same time. I was just flat overwhelmed! So I decided to start coping with just me more. Not all the time of course. LOL It does still sometimes make me angry that he purposely drinks to have the same symptoms I have to take medication to get rid of! I also realized that maybe I had times of being a pain in the butt to HIM too. Hmmm. Just saying for me not you. But going to ask for help did save my life.
el-cee said
Jul 24, 2020
Hi dancer, its nice to see you are still coming here and trying to work the program. I've not been here for a while. I think its such a good question you ask here and I think its a personal choice and doesn't need any judgement, ie weak, strong etc. If you feel you need medication to help you, it may give you a sense of empowerment to go see a doctor and explain how you feel, the process may give you a sense that you have done something differently, it may mean your getting closer to your rock bottom. I needed my rock bottom to wave the white flag, to surrender. I had to give up the idea that i could change, control, fix the disease if alcoholism in my h. Even though at the time I knew nothing about the disease, the effects were like poison running through my whole family. When my children reached adolescence the disease came out in them and i could no longer contain and deny there was a major problem in my home. It was this that got me to Alanon and the doctors office. I wanted counselling or something but by the time any counselling was arranged I had become a member of the fellowship and been blessed with a spiritual awakening of some sort enough that it transported me from bleak blackness to bliss, total contentment and the problems within the family were still huge, maybe even worse. I've been working the program since and it took me a while to even realise what the program was. Its the steps, working them with a sponsor, its praying, sharing at meetings in the hope that your experience will help someone else get this. Heres work to be done if you want the changes that alanon promise. I've been attending zoom meetings. They are not the same as ftf but I like that I don't have to be on camera I can mute that. I can go to meetings from the comfort of my home. I've heard some folk have got a sponsor from zoom and their recovery has been huge. It's all there when your ready.
Maresie888 said
Jul 24, 2020
There is nothing #,,wrong# with seeking help. There are over the counter anti deoressants St John's Wort, Sam-e. They can helo.
Personally I.have theraoy (a recent addition), meditation, 12 step programs and a lot of bibliotherapy.
Asking for help does not signify weakness it shows resourcefulness. There is every reason to be resourceful no.matter what the circumstances
I have been both on and off anti depressants. I do better #on# them
They are one of an array of tools I use. Right now meditation is really heloing me too.
Like a lot of tools having insurance helps.
I recently acquired insurance so I have a means to get mediction. When I.didnt have insurance I found ways to get medication
That was being resourceful.
I hope you will keep using this board as a way to be resourceful.
Maresie
So life is crazy. My AH is up and down (and never the pass out kinds of drunk, just enough to be mean and annoying). He holds a job (works from home) and only drinks at night. But the changes that have come from his drinking in his attitude and his ability to interact with me and family (even when not drinking) has changed so much. He is extremely emotionally neglectful and at times emotionally abusive (not outright like name calling), but other things that put you on edge. Pandemic not helping because I have soooo much resentment to him and I can't get away. Working with therapist. We tried marriage counseling but stopped because he didn't participate. Thinking of divorce and starting just to look at possibility (so many things to consider, finances, insurance, property, children). Had some other major events that happened to--and he is just not there for support (I think it is from alcohol and its effects). I am handling life on my own. Now with health issues and he is not there--wont help out physically or emotionally. I'm suffering. I am now dealiing with major health issues. I am starting to think about using medications (like antidepressants). Am I weak. I just feel like I am struggling and I am so frustrated doing it on my own. But I am soooo angry with him and I am trying to cope and to stay away from him and do my own thing--again hello pandemic puts a kink in things. Sorry to ramble. I just want to know--have others used antidepressants to help them cope with the situation of a alcoholic spouse/family member when they can't change their situation? Did it help you be calm but still deal with the situation?
I did not use medication myself, but I used every other resource I could find. A friend of mine, who had more medical knowledge than I, explained antidepressants as a way to give the brain a rest.
Give yourself credit for all the things you have tried. Those are not wasted efforts, they just provide more data to help make a decision on next steps. Maybe let your therapist or physician know what is going on and ask their advice about what is best for you in your individual situation.
It is not weak to look for help in whatever form is good for your health -- it is really really smart.
Be gentle with you and do what you feel will help you in the best way possible. Hang in there - you're not alone!
Dancer... this is an answer only a doctor or therapist can give you.
When I was 17 I had chronic migraine. I went to a specialist and was given 3 meds- 10 pills a day.
This was okay, until I went on a school trip and the meds ran out- it was horrific.
In recent years I have used St John's Wort- which i bought at the supermarket. But here again a doctor's advice is vital- because SJW can react badly with other meds.
We don't stand in each others show, though sometimes we do get close. Some people don't say if they use meds or not. Some do. Either way- for other people I am 100% okay with that.
Could not really leave to divorce my A. because he was my dad. I did everything I could for him- kept him in his home for years. But he had no conscience or empathy- and we lost our home when he died. :(
fact is the alcoholic will always put themselves, and their DOC [drug of choice] ahead of everything else.
No-one would do this willingly or consciously- it is what the disease is all about. It is destructive. :(
This is the sad reality we all face in Alanon. The good thing is that we get to do this together- and to learn to support ourselves and each other. This is what we are best at.
...
Whatever you choose, Dancer- I am a group member here, and I do have your back. You are a born survivor. You have immense courage.
...
This topic, as with virtually all brought up on this forum, ultimately require a personal decision, as noted by several contributors above.
What each choose to do and extent to which each chooses to rely on various strategies, medications, faith, etc is uniquely dependent on their set of circumstances, abilities, limitations, liabilities and needs. AlAnon discourages giving advice since none of us know always what is best for ourselves, and we cannot know what is best for others.
From what I've read and studied, there are no limits to what the spiritual program of AlAnon can help us through. There are no exceptions for really 'bad alcoholics', or even pandemics inflated but still much lower than predicted mortality rates. There are simply two basic distinctions AlAnon points out to us: 1) Things over which we are powerless and therefore cannot control, and 2), Things we can control.
AlAnon suggests that the 'insanity' that often expresses itself as anxiety, frustration, resentment, helplessness, hopelessness, etc is the result of mixing up those categories, not from the various issues themselves. AlAnon suggests that we can get through any circumstance by reliance on a power greater than ourselves to handle the things we can't control, and to supply the wisdom and guidance to direct us in the things we can.
Medication in the form of antidepressants is not a spiritual approach that attempts to shape our perceptions, thoughts and actions toward others. Instead, it is typically a bio-mechanical manipulation of non-voluntary neurotransmitter function. Commonly, 30-50% of users fail to respond positively to the treatment, and their use is not without a host of possible negative side effects.
This is not a forum designed to delve into the intricacies and specifics of antidepressant efficacy, but a quick review of the approaches and outcomes reveals major differences between the two approaches and the fact that AlAnon is limitless in its ability to 'work when we work it' and has no negative side effects whatsoever.
For me and without exception, when I find myself struggling with my attitude, it is not a failure of the AlAnon program, guidance or tools, it is my failure to use the tools as they are recommend and trust in a higher power to handle things outside of my control.
I wish you the best in your study and exploration of AlAnon and in all your endeavors :)
Dancer, I took antidepressants a few years "before" I began Al-anon. His alcoholism was progressing, as were the effects on me, and I went to see a doctor who suggested antidepressants of course...
They did take the edge off. For me, it was more like indifference or apathy. I was still depressed about what was happening, I just didn't react as I had been. I began sleeping a lot more and gained 25 lbs. It felt like an escape but really, there is no such thing. It only delayed what I inevitably had to deal with.
But I did my best at that time and do not have regrets.
Today my meditation practice (another recovery suggestion) manages my stress. whether medication or meditation - I still could not deal with alcoholism without the al-anon program or working at the 12 steps. I do need both. And of course, the deeper you take the steps, the deeper your relationship to Higher power who is the perfect substitute for anything we suffer from... especially depression.
As for the pandemic, it parallels alcoholism to me... the more I understand it, the safer I am without causing harm to myself or others. It has become another opportunity "to practice these principles in all our affairs," as we say.... living Life on Life's terms.
Take care of yourself "whatever" that looks like (((my friend))) do your best... just for today
-- Edited by 2HP on Sunday 12th of July 2020 06:56:30 PM