Last night I.met a co.aorker who has a relationship.with his ex wife thst is cery similar to the one I.had with ny qualifier.
His health is falling apart, he has stents in his heart, hugh chilesterol, high blood presure. Moreiver he tirned up for work on the wrong day. He does not even kniw what day it is.
Needless to say the Operations Manager at the comosny tried to attribute some of the blame for this msn showing up on the wrong day to me. I told him where he could
put that effort I was reeady for that one
I had enormous shame, guilt and confusion about being in the relationship with the qualifier. I felt I had failed and thst the entire experience was a comolere waste of time . I have to say I felt it was just an abyss I could never escaoe.
Now after meeting this unfortunafe coworker I feel differently. I feel now that this introduction to al anon was a turning point in my life. That was the beginnng of self care, differentiation and a new beginning. That was the pivot point
Furthermore it was also the point that I started to.say #No# .
Just as I said #No# to the ridiculous idea that I had something to do with the notion I had something to do with this man showing up on the wrong day.
I felt last night as though I really saw myself in a different way. It was both illuminating and freeing. The shame evaporated and so did the intense frustration that went along with it. That was replaced with a clarity I did not have before.
I am so grateful.
Maresie
Freetime said
Jul 6, 2020
Maresie, thank you so much for sharing about your turning point. I have had many of the same experiences -- learning it is OK to say NO, the importance of self-care, realizing that everything was not my fault and not my responsibility.
It is ironic that so many of the best experiences in my life came out of the worst experiences. One thing I love about Al-Anon is that, yes, we all have our problems -- but we are all, in our own ways, doing something about it.
2HP said
Jul 6, 2020
Your post reminds me of the book Radical Forgiveness, which parallels making amends to myself.
yesterday I had an experience with my sister. We had a falling out a few years ago. Yesterday she texted that she needed some information from me. I gladly gave it to her and then texted that I hoped we could talk soon. she ignored that part, shifted to another topic, I could feel her heart closing again.
this treatment always triggers me... oh nooo, her heart is closing... what terrible thing did I just do??!!
thanks to al-anon, I catch myself quickly now, no longer pulled into their negative beliefs about me (the beliefs I would adopt as my own) that I am somehow a bad person. Our old relationship was unhealthy and I had played a part in that...
I have forgiven myself for the part I played. I make mistakes. But that does not make me a "bad" person. I have a heart too... wide open to Higher Power's beliefs about me... to loving thoughts about myself... and them.
These new beliefs of mine are "radical" (radical forgiveness.) It has changed my world. I created the old with old beliefs, and I now create the new.
That is what I see in your post too (((maresie))) Yeaaaay for us!!!!!!!!
-- Edited by 2HP on Monday 6th of July 2020 10:20:22 AM
PosiesandPuppies said
Jul 6, 2020
Thank you Maresie for sharing the moment of your clarity and enlightenment!! I think it is so important b/c newcomers will see it and come to understand that "peace" doesn't come all at once... they need to be open for slow growth or out-of-the-blue revelations! However their HP presents it!
Maresie888 said
Jul 6, 2020
One of the pivot points was that the qualifier always refereed to me as his #roommate#
My co.worker was talking about the same thing with his wife. They sleep in the same room. He makes plans to move with her to a bigger house
I was incredibly wounded by the way the qualifier discarded me. In fact he never did he was willing to keep me around as long as I was enmeshed with him
I discarded myself by letting myself ge treated that way.
Before the qualifier I had dreams and plans. All those plans evaporated in the chaos. Pretty soon I had none. Pretty soon I felt trapped with no.way out at all.
Then I came here. Enmeshment is particularly sticky
Maresie
2HP said
Jul 6, 2020
Maresie, your new perspective is sooooooo POWERFUL
"I discarded myself by letting myself ge treated that way."
I arrived at something so similar with my qualifier. when I turned my statement around, what he did to me became what I did to me, just as you did, suddenly I had something to work with, something that I could change... I had a new power!
My sponsor taught me to look up synonyms and antonyms to help me get more clear. When "He discarded me" became "I discarded myself" ...I could see the exact nature of what went wrong in the first place, and begin to practice the opposite.
Instead of discarding... abandoning...deserting.. forsaking.... dismissing...
I now practice adopting.. embracing... holding... retaining... (my Self)
I began to have dreams again, writing about them created something of an enjoyable storybook for me to read and re-read. many dreams have come true, it is never too late to start my day over... or my life.
I so admire your courage!!! ((((cartwheels))))
-- Edited by 2HP on Monday 6th of July 2020 03:42:57 PM
Maresie888 said
Jul 7, 2020
The former roommate always had digs against me and put downs. I had to go to see him today. I still have issues oending with him. They are being resolved with patience and oersistence. The end is on the horizon.
Normally I woukd be rocked over his desire to put me down and denigrate me. I grieved and grieved that anyone would talk to me that way.
Then I learned to deflect and detach. Of course that ablity to.detach cannot survive a 24 hour a day onslaught.
However this afternoon when the former roommate issued his onslaught (which has always been coming from him) I simply.deflected it i brushed it off.
The same happened with a particularly nasty #co worker# earlier in the day.
In case anyone thinks that is a miracle bith #attacks# were anticipated. I just decided to be ready for them today.
They were one off's. When I stayed with the former roommate they were ongoing and wore me down. As for the co worker I no longer have to deal with that onslaught on a daily basis.
As Eleanor Rosevelt said #No one can make you feel bad without your permission # .
My oermission was ajways right in the forefront
Maresie
It is ironic that so many of the best experiences in my life came out of the worst experiences. One thing I love about Al-Anon is that, yes, we all have our problems -- but we are all, in our own ways, doing something about it.
Your post reminds me of the book Radical Forgiveness, which parallels making amends to myself.
yesterday I had an experience with my sister. We had a falling out a few years ago. Yesterday she texted that she needed some information from me. I gladly gave it to her and then texted that I hoped we could talk soon. she ignored that part, shifted to another topic, I could feel her heart closing again.
this treatment always triggers me... oh nooo, her heart is closing... what terrible thing did I just do??!!
thanks to al-anon, I catch myself quickly now, no longer pulled into their negative beliefs about me (the beliefs I would adopt as my own) that I am somehow a bad person. Our old relationship was unhealthy and I had played a part in that...
I have forgiven myself for the part I played. I make mistakes. But that does not make me a "bad" person. I have a heart too... wide open to Higher Power's beliefs about me... to loving thoughts about myself... and them.
These new beliefs of mine are "radical" (radical forgiveness.) It has changed my world. I created the old with old beliefs, and I now create the new.
That is what I see in your post too (((maresie))) Yeaaaay for us!!!!!!!!
-- Edited by 2HP on Monday 6th of July 2020 10:20:22 AM
Maresie, your new perspective is sooooooo POWERFUL
"I discarded myself by letting myself ge treated that way."
I arrived at something so similar with my qualifier. when I turned my statement around, what he did to me became what I did to me, just as you did, suddenly I had something to work with, something that I could change... I had a new power!
My sponsor taught me to look up synonyms and antonyms to help me get more clear. When "He discarded me" became "I discarded myself" ...I could see the exact nature of what went wrong in the first place, and begin to practice the opposite.
Instead of discarding... abandoning...deserting.. forsaking.... dismissing...
I now practice adopting.. embracing... holding... retaining... (my Self)
I began to have dreams again, writing about them created something of an enjoyable storybook for me to read and re-read. many dreams have come true, it is never too late to start my day over... or my life.
I so admire your courage!!! ((((cartwheels))))
-- Edited by 2HP on Monday 6th of July 2020 03:42:57 PM