Just a quick share to say that I wish my "acceptance" of my A would just stay in place and I wouldn't have to work so hard to maintain it. I get alcoholism is a disease which I am powerless over and cannot control. I think what pains me is that there is so much excellent help available, and my A isn't interested. There have been several really good starts at recovery, but it doesn't last. God grant me the Serenity....Lyne
Bo said
Jul 4, 2020
Lyne, thank you so very much for your share. Acceptance ebbs and flows, and much like our recovery, is not a destination...it is a journey.
Sometimes, it takes more work than other times. Sometimes that work can be a lot, it can be hard. Why is acceptance any different than our recovery, mental well-being, serenity, etc. -- in that we have it sometimes, and other times we don't, or we have good days, and other days aren't as good, or sometimes we get it and sometimes we don't, or we can be "in a zone" and at other times not be, or we can on our game or not, and so on and so on and so on.
For me, even when I got to the place of complete, total, and absolute acceptance...which becomes surrender...and becomes innate...there was still one thing, one dynamic, one disconnect, which confounded me...and numerous others as well. My wife was Ivy League educated, had two Master's, a member of Mensa, was CFO of a multi hundred-million dollar conglomerate, and was a brilliant woman. Got it. All of that...here is what was going on...like many others around her, she saw her health being damaged, she saw some pretty scary legal consequences, family consequences, and she saw some very scary and nasty things happen to her as a result of her drinking. She felt some very serious pain, some major ramifications, and some very unpleasant present and future, as a result of drinking.
However, with all of that...she was not interested in quitting drinking. She was not interested in stopping. She was not interested in preventing all of the things mentioned above that were going on...all of the help, resources, expertise, everything is the world was at her disposal, was available to her, and she was not at all interested. She was not even interested in looking at it. Not even a glance. When she did look at it, it was just a brief glance, and it was at a time when -- she had no choice, was forced into it, or had to do it to prevent some major consequence present at the time.
What was also tremendously perplexing and frustrating...was that whenever she did "take a shot" at quitting drinking, it was very brief, not serious, wasn't a priority, and so on. It's hard to explain. It was real, but it wasn't. It started with an era of good feeling, enthusiasm, and motivation...but it wasn't. Like I said, it's hard to explain.
So...with all of this being the case...when I finally got to my place of complete, total, and absolute acceptance...and in my experience, most people, even seasoned people, don't truly understand what that place looks and feels like...so when I finally got there...so many amazing things happened...and as it related to this issue...something else happened.
I got it. I finally got it. It finally became crystal clear to me and it was there, right in front of me, as clear as the back of my hand if I held it up in front of me. I got it!!!
My wife is an alcoholic...
PosiesandPuppies said
Jul 4, 2020
((((Lyne))))
Just wanted to say I understand your feelings. I never could understand the perplexity of this disease!
Sending you light and love,
Bo said
Jul 4, 2020
Lyne, as I reflect on your share, what also resonates with me are the steps...the 12 steps of alanon.
For me, the steps, are a track, a curriculum for living, and for me, today they are innate. I don't have to "practice" per se as in making a conscious effort to live this way, I do live this way, innately, no different than breathing. While the alanon 12 steps -- "because of their proven power and worth" -- have been adopted from AA's Twelve Suggested Steps, and they are almost identical, except for one word; alanon is a different program than AA. The steps may be identical except for one word, but the orientation, our focus is on the alanon program. The content may be the same, except for one word, but the context is certainly different.
In alanon, we speak from our own experiences, which are derived from living with an alcoholic -- rather than being one -- and because of that there is a different experience, a different focus, a different mindset. As I've heard and read in the opening of many meetings I attend -- "A word to AA members who are new to Al-Anon. If you have a family problem, you have come to the right place and we welcome you. We speak from our own experiences which are derived living with an alcoholic rather than being one. It is a different experience which calls for a different interpretation of the 12 steps. We ask that you start out by listening to the suggested solutions based upon the Al-Anon approach to the family illness. We ask that members of other anonymous fellowships remain anonymous and focus on the Al-Anon program."
When I look at, live, lean on, and have these 12 steps guide me in my life -- I feel comfort in accepting those things which I find difficult to accept. My program -- MY RECOVERY -- comforts me, helps me, allows me, to accept things that are painful. There are things I will not understand...but because of alanon, the 12 steps, and my recovery...I can accept them.
I don't understand exactly -- the science, the mechanics, the aerodynamics, lift, thrust, etc. -- how a plane takes off and flies through the air. However, not understanding it is OK. I have never thought about it to the point where it becomes a problem...and I just get on the plane. LOL. While this may seem sophomoric or not sound, for me, it opens my mind.
For me, acceptance is ever-present. It's there. All the time. I have to get it, take it. I have to embrace it. I have to take it in and want it -- and do the work, in the moment -- to allow it "to be" present in me. When that happens, I have acceptance...completely, total, and absolute acceptance. Whatever "it" was that I was struggling with, or having trouble accepting, is no longer an obstacle or a hurdle. I no longer fight it. I no longer challenge it. I may not like "it" and whatever the reality of it is -- but that's OK. I can "not like" something, but I can certainly accept it. I don't carry that around, harbor any ill-will, anger, resentment, or anything of the like. That's acceptance too -- not liking something, and being able to accept it, and let it go.
I have always immersed myself in acceptance. When doing the steps in our step meetings, I always spend a great deal of time on acceptance. When working the steps with my sponsor, we always spend a great deal of time on acceptance. In my experience, so many of the ensuing steps, all of them, so much of the ensuing work we do, all of it to an extent...all of it comes back to acceptance. Acceptance is the foundation of the alanon program.
Thank you so very much again Lyne for your share. It was so beautiful, sincere, and genuine. Thank you!
2HP said
Jul 4, 2020
Lyne, "patience" came up for me after meditation today.
and whenever I turn the questions I have for "them" around, and put my questions onto myself, "why can't I stop? why do I focus on others? why do I think about them... obsess about them.. when it darkens my day, and brings me suffering?"
who is responsible for our serenity? our thoughts? Al-anon teaches responsibility and self-control so that we can "help" ourselves. the suggestions are for real and lasting solutions.
By practicing the turnaround, I always come up with more compassion and call for patience with myself! In this way I discover, we are more similar than different (unity, connectedness, peace)
-- Edited by 2HP on Saturday 4th of July 2020 02:53:30 PM
-- Edited by 2HP on Sunday 5th of July 2020 08:39:35 AM
sunmustshine said
Jul 4, 2020
(((Lynne)))
I often find myself wishing acceptance could be permanent. I find Alcoholism so tricky. My AH is like a shape shifter. One minute he is drinking and unbearable. Then, he is honestly regretting his actions, seeing what is important and wanting to do better. Then he is in rehab, then full of promise, then back to miserable, then back to drinking and so on. The hardest part is buried in there are these glimpses of the man I fell in love with, of my best friend. He goes from being this sad sick alcoholic to a complete bastard to a surprisingly kind man and back again. Hes a swirling contradiction. The crazy part is, I must seem like the exact same thing to him. I love him, then I cant stand the site if him while Hes drinking. I have compassion for him, then reject the bs choices he has made. The only consistencies I can manage are my boundaries. I am not perfect and will never be. The only perfect truth is, our lives will not work together with him drinking. Im grateful to have understood this and to have found my boundaries. Im grateful my AH respects my boundaries. Im grateful Ive figured out to focus on the things Im grateful for. Have a happy 4th.
Iamhere said
Jul 4, 2020
(((Lyne))) - I hear you and you are not alone. A couple thoughts come to mind - I practice Al-Anon each day, consciously. Much as what 2HP describes, when my mind/energy/thoughts float to others, I try to turn it around. My sponsor kept asking me over and over again early on - 'What's going on within you that you are so bothered by what's happening'. She taught me to stop blaming/shaming self and others and instead do what I can to process the present, with the hope of picking a tool to help.
I believe I am one who needs to remember always that I am human, and I am now and will always be imperfect. I'm designed that way. I am better able to live life on life's terms than before yet there are days where I return to 'fight the good fight' - if only for a moment before I pause and remember that I am a person in recovery trying to live differently.
I spoke about this in another post - my favorite go-to emotion prior to working on me was Anger. Working on me in recovery helped me realize that was my go-to no matter what I really felt about what was going on. I came here (recovery) angry and full of resentments, with a fairy-tale idea that if only the drinking would stop, all would be well with the world. What I've found is when I remove my ego, let the God of my understanding lead and process what is vs. what should be, I am sad and full of fear for the life of somebody I care deeply for. I still do not think I've experienced any greater tragedy that watching those I love self-destruct from this disease. I have never found the right words to describe the raw fear, pain and sadness.
I will say that I do best/better when I start my day as I was taught in the beginning, prayer & meditation to set aside my own will/ego and trust in the God of my understanding. There is no doubt that there are moments in my day where I find myself looking up and internally saying, "Really?" When I am really, really, really restless, irritable and discontent with what is, I have had great success returning to Step 1 - a bold reminder, that just for today, I am COMPLETELY powerless over alcohol, people, places and things.
You work a great program and your share is powerful. I am always comforted to remember or be reminded that we're works in progress, and 'there will be days'. This is the reality of this thing called life! I know you know (your sponsor encouraged me too) that gratitude lists are awesome to facilitate a change in outlook and attitude. Love and light Lyne - you got this, One Day @ A Time!
Lyne said
Jul 5, 2020
Thank you so much my MIP family! Your ESH uplifts me and reminds me I can fight this battle ODAT. I heard so many things I need, and it is always a comfort to me when I am reminded that you folks understand exactly what I am going through. That brings me comfort and support on these days when I am weary from the life I am choosing to keep. Notice I realize that this now is my choice. I even have my own condo near my son and live there half the week. Thank you all for reminding me I can have peace and serenity no matter what my A is doing. Lyne
Maresie888 said
Jul 6, 2020
I do not need patience for any one else. I need patience for me. Patience to work towarda my goals. Patience for self care. Patience for moving to new places. Patience for being in sticky places
Patience patience patience patience
But most of all lots of love and compassion for myself
My life my goals my struggles.
My attitude
Maresie
JerryF said
Jul 8, 2020
I had to break the silence this afternoon after reading and re-reading this post and the responses. I cannot remain silent after because it is filled with recovery awareness and solutions for me. The other night my wife overcame the urge to be hurt and hurtful and asked me, "Can you hold me..."? I thought about appropriate responses and came to, "yes I can" right with "Do I want to"? and came up with another "yes" and so I did and during those few minutes I also felt that she and I were being held by another. Patience for me at times is waiting when I have many solutions. ((((hugs))))
2HP said
Jul 9, 2020
@Jerry, thank you for your lovely update, which reminded me of the question, How many times should I forgive, Lord? Is seven times enough? lol
The answer was seven times seventy, or "always forgive." Realizing how we, ourselves, rely upon and enjoy HP's patience and unmerited forgiveness on a constant basis.
Yet there were harms that I myself had to stop volunteering for. at some point I had to acknowledge my high tolerance for being harmed. And still, with the help of this wonderful program, my forgiveness is intact for he truly did NOT know what he was doing... oblivious to the harms he inflicted, even upon himself.
PosiesandPuppies said
Jul 9, 2020
I keep coming back to this thread b/c it just keeps giving and giving!
Thank you all for some wonderful ESH!!
&
Lyne said
Jul 10, 2020
Seeing what all of you are writing is helping me as well. How many times should I forgive? I guess every time (almost) an alcoholic hurt is done.
What 2HP said is true in my marriage as well--my spouse seems unaware most of the time, that she is harming herself and others in the family. A while back she worked with an OA sponsor (she does not see herself an an alcoholic). She wrote an amazing amends to my son, wanted me to read it, and then has not sent it. It seems that door closed. How does that happen? Her insight and the breakdown of denial is fleeting--moments of clarity, just moments, that then disappear. It's so sad, for all of us.
Bo said
Jul 10, 2020
Lyne, for me, there was no collapsing the acceptance with the forgiveness. I viewed them separately. As time went on, I saw them as the same. Then, I saw them separately again, but in a meaningful, healthy way. I too asked the question, how many times should I forgive? But, forgiveness was not a button to push. Like acceptance, it was part of a process -- a journey, not a destination. Once I took the focus off my wife, I was able to look at myself and realize that -- forgiveness had to start with -- ME FORGIVING MYSELF. Now, while that is a separate topic/discussion, I will say that once I went easier on myself, once I went "gentle unto oneself" and once I accepted MY ROLE, and MY PART...it was a relief for me. It was like me forgiving myself and being OK with me.t
Yes, my spouse always seemed -- and was -- unaware and completely oblivious to the fact that she was harming herself, physically, medically, and in other ways. Once she went into the hospital, having drank herself into a state of unconsciousness and was completely non-responsive. When she finally regained consciousness -- and after denying she had been drinking -- she looked up her symptoms on the internet, leaving out the fact that she consumed a massive amount alcohol, and then discovered she had passed out due to some blood/chemical imbalance. I don't remember, but it could have been hypoglycemia, which of course she tested negative for. So, she had her excuse. Her denial. Anyway, she was completely unaware of what impact her drinking had on the family, and everyone else. There were always "glimpses" of progress, change, admitting she had a problem, but they were always brief -- and usually as a result of something bad that happened. More denial, enabling, appeasing, rationalizing, negotiating, and so on and so on and so on. Nothing changes if nothing changes...and that statement is about US.
The moments of clarity and awareness are so brief, but they are also part of the disease. It's the part that negotiates, appeases, etc. -- and that right there is like a drug for us. That's what we want, because they will stop drinking!!! My sponsor used to say...HOW'S THAT WORKING FOR YOU. Yes, those moments are so brief, so immediate...and they disappear...like they were never real in the first place.
Yes, it is very sad. Tragic. For all.
2HP said
Jul 11, 2020
For me, this thread is a helpful illustration of what "we" Al-Anons do
..put others under the microscope.
My sponsor often tells me a great truth, "HP did not promise 'easy'...just lots of company." lol
Putting another person under the microscope... our emotions follow... while we minimize, ignore, deny the effects of this habitual practice has on us...
Life could be more happy... but "we" don't.. or won't.. or can't ..... so sad....
Same story.
Yet if someone were to tell me that what I do makes them sad.... I would tell them, "Bugger off you arrogant prick, mind your own business!!"
the goal is to see ourselves. I had a problem with their lifestyle, while they did not. they were NOT asking for my opinion, I just gave it. I saw myself as a beautiful, loving and concerned wife, daughter, sister, mother, etc. While they did not. eventually I learned to Live and Let Live.
If I could have been helped by a coach or counselor, it would have happened long before al-anon. I had spent years with multiple counselors, spending thousands. What did work well for me was the simple act of going to meetings... to listen and learn, listen and learn, listen and learn with an open mind... from a huge variety of people offering me their precious hard-earned ESH week after week after week.
At my meetings, "we" never double check to make sure everyone is thinking alike or in the "right" frame of mind or in the right place, double-checking that nobody is collapsing anything, lol... before we turn the page and continue reading
We just keep studying, simply doing our part - we keep at it!
One fine day we begin to realize, as individuals, we have made some personal progress!! somehow it all gets woven together... with every meeting we heard just what we needed to hear... and we are so thrilled... and we want very badly to share this with the world... falling into an old habit of believing what we think think think is best for EVERYONE. the behavior that brought us here in the first place. Once again, playing the director, the higher power... unaware.. not accepting but denying and disallowing.... the Higher Powers perfect power and ability... to straighten us all out.
ours is often called a "we" program because we gradually realize we are all connected. God bless us (((everyone)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Sunday 12th of July 2020 08:36:03 AM
2HP said
Jul 11, 2020
... imagining us all together at wolfie's house, having blueberry cheesecake...
Iamhere said
Jul 11, 2020
I got the visual 2HP - what a lovely, lovely visual!!!
Just a quick share to say that I wish my "acceptance" of my A would just stay in place and I wouldn't have to work so hard to maintain it. I get alcoholism is a disease which I am powerless over and cannot control. I think what pains me is that there is so much excellent help available, and my A isn't interested. There have been several really good starts at recovery, but it doesn't last. God grant me the Serenity....Lyne
Lyne, thank you so very much for your share. Acceptance ebbs and flows, and much like our recovery, is not a destination...it is a journey.
Sometimes, it takes more work than other times. Sometimes that work can be a lot, it can be hard. Why is acceptance any different than our recovery, mental well-being, serenity, etc. -- in that we have it sometimes, and other times we don't, or we have good days, and other days aren't as good, or sometimes we get it and sometimes we don't, or we can be "in a zone" and at other times not be, or we can on our game or not, and so on and so on and so on.
For me, even when I got to the place of complete, total, and absolute acceptance...which becomes surrender...and becomes innate...there was still one thing, one dynamic, one disconnect, which confounded me...and numerous others as well. My wife was Ivy League educated, had two Master's, a member of Mensa, was CFO of a multi hundred-million dollar conglomerate, and was a brilliant woman. Got it. All of that...here is what was going on...like many others around her, she saw her health being damaged, she saw some pretty scary legal consequences, family consequences, and she saw some very scary and nasty things happen to her as a result of her drinking. She felt some very serious pain, some major ramifications, and some very unpleasant present and future, as a result of drinking.
However, with all of that...she was not interested in quitting drinking. She was not interested in stopping. She was not interested in preventing all of the things mentioned above that were going on...all of the help, resources, expertise, everything is the world was at her disposal, was available to her, and she was not at all interested. She was not even interested in looking at it. Not even a glance. When she did look at it, it was just a brief glance, and it was at a time when -- she had no choice, was forced into it, or had to do it to prevent some major consequence present at the time.
What was also tremendously perplexing and frustrating...was that whenever she did "take a shot" at quitting drinking, it was very brief, not serious, wasn't a priority, and so on. It's hard to explain. It was real, but it wasn't. It started with an era of good feeling, enthusiasm, and motivation...but it wasn't. Like I said, it's hard to explain.
So...with all of this being the case...when I finally got to my place of complete, total, and absolute acceptance...and in my experience, most people, even seasoned people, don't truly understand what that place looks and feels like...so when I finally got there...so many amazing things happened...and as it related to this issue...something else happened.
I got it. I finally got it. It finally became crystal clear to me and it was there, right in front of me, as clear as the back of my hand if I held it up in front of me. I got it!!!
My wife is an alcoholic...
Just wanted to say I understand your feelings. I never could understand the perplexity of this disease!
Sending you light and love,
Lyne, as I reflect on your share, what also resonates with me are the steps...the 12 steps of alanon.
For me, the steps, are a track, a curriculum for living, and for me, today they are innate. I don't have to "practice" per se as in making a conscious effort to live this way, I do live this way, innately, no different than breathing. While the alanon 12 steps -- "because of their proven power and worth" -- have been adopted from AA's Twelve Suggested Steps, and they are almost identical, except for one word; alanon is a different program than AA. The steps may be identical except for one word, but the orientation, our focus is on the alanon program. The content may be the same, except for one word, but the context is certainly different.
In alanon, we speak from our own experiences, which are derived from living with an alcoholic -- rather than being one -- and because of that there is a different experience, a different focus, a different mindset. As I've heard and read in the opening of many meetings I attend -- "A word to AA members who are new to Al-Anon. If you have a family problem, you have come to the right place and we welcome you. We speak from our own experiences which are derived living with an alcoholic rather than being one. It is a different experience which calls for a different interpretation of the 12 steps. We ask that you start out by listening to the suggested solutions based upon the Al-Anon approach to the family illness. We ask that members of other anonymous fellowships remain anonymous and focus on the Al-Anon program."
When I look at, live, lean on, and have these 12 steps guide me in my life -- I feel comfort in accepting those things which I find difficult to accept. My program -- MY RECOVERY -- comforts me, helps me, allows me, to accept things that are painful. There are things I will not understand...but because of alanon, the 12 steps, and my recovery...I can accept them.
I don't understand exactly -- the science, the mechanics, the aerodynamics, lift, thrust, etc. -- how a plane takes off and flies through the air. However, not understanding it is OK. I have never thought about it to the point where it becomes a problem...and I just get on the plane. LOL. While this may seem sophomoric or not sound, for me, it opens my mind.
For me, acceptance is ever-present. It's there. All the time. I have to get it, take it. I have to embrace it. I have to take it in and want it -- and do the work, in the moment -- to allow it "to be" present in me. When that happens, I have acceptance...completely, total, and absolute acceptance. Whatever "it" was that I was struggling with, or having trouble accepting, is no longer an obstacle or a hurdle. I no longer fight it. I no longer challenge it. I may not like "it" and whatever the reality of it is -- but that's OK. I can "not like" something, but I can certainly accept it. I don't carry that around, harbor any ill-will, anger, resentment, or anything of the like. That's acceptance too -- not liking something, and being able to accept it, and let it go.
I have always immersed myself in acceptance. When doing the steps in our step meetings, I always spend a great deal of time on acceptance. When working the steps with my sponsor, we always spend a great deal of time on acceptance. In my experience, so many of the ensuing steps, all of them, so much of the ensuing work we do, all of it to an extent...all of it comes back to acceptance. Acceptance is the foundation of the alanon program.
Thank you so very much again Lyne for your share. It was so beautiful, sincere, and genuine. Thank you!
Lyne, "patience" came up for me after meditation today.
and whenever I turn the questions I have for "them" around, and put my questions onto myself, "why can't I stop? why do I focus on others? why do I think about them... obsess about them.. when it darkens my day, and brings me suffering?"
who is responsible for our serenity? our thoughts? Al-anon teaches responsibility and self-control so that we can "help" ourselves. the suggestions are for real and lasting solutions.
By practicing the turnaround, I always come up with more compassion and call for patience with myself! In this way I discover, we are more similar than different (unity, connectedness, peace)
-- Edited by 2HP on Saturday 4th of July 2020 02:53:30 PM
-- Edited by 2HP on Sunday 5th of July 2020 08:39:35 AM
I believe I am one who needs to remember always that I am human, and I am now and will always be imperfect. I'm designed that way. I am better able to live life on life's terms than before yet there are days where I return to 'fight the good fight' - if only for a moment before I pause and remember that I am a person in recovery trying to live differently.
I spoke about this in another post - my favorite go-to emotion prior to working on me was Anger. Working on me in recovery helped me realize that was my go-to no matter what I really felt about what was going on. I came here (recovery) angry and full of resentments, with a fairy-tale idea that if only the drinking would stop, all would be well with the world. What I've found is when I remove my ego, let the God of my understanding lead and process what is vs. what should be, I am sad and full of fear for the life of somebody I care deeply for. I still do not think I've experienced any greater tragedy that watching those I love self-destruct from this disease. I have never found the right words to describe the raw fear, pain and sadness.
I will say that I do best/better when I start my day as I was taught in the beginning, prayer & meditation to set aside my own will/ego and trust in the God of my understanding. There is no doubt that there are moments in my day where I find myself looking up and internally saying, "Really?" When I am really, really, really restless, irritable and discontent with what is, I have had great success returning to Step 1 - a bold reminder, that just for today, I am COMPLETELY powerless over alcohol, people, places and things.
You work a great program and your share is powerful. I am always comforted to remember or be reminded that we're works in progress, and 'there will be days'. This is the reality of this thing called life! I know you know (your sponsor encouraged me too) that gratitude lists are awesome to facilitate a change in outlook and attitude. Love and light Lyne - you got this, One Day @ A Time!
I had to break the silence this afternoon after reading and re-reading this post and the responses. I cannot remain silent after because it is filled with recovery awareness and solutions for me. The other night my wife overcame the urge to be hurt and hurtful and asked me, "Can you hold me..."? I thought about appropriate responses and came to, "yes I can" right with "Do I want to"? and came up with another "yes" and so I did and during those few minutes I also felt that she and I were being held by another. Patience for me at times is waiting when I have many solutions. ((((hugs))))
The answer was seven times seventy, or "always forgive." Realizing how we, ourselves, rely upon and enjoy HP's patience and unmerited forgiveness on a constant basis.
Yet there were harms that I myself had to stop volunteering for. at some point I had to acknowledge my high tolerance for being harmed. And still, with the help of this wonderful program, my forgiveness is intact for he truly did NOT know what he was doing... oblivious to the harms he inflicted, even upon himself.
Thank you all for some wonderful ESH!!
What 2HP said is true in my marriage as well--my spouse seems unaware most of the time, that she is harming herself and others in the family. A while back she worked with an OA sponsor (she does not see herself an an alcoholic). She wrote an amazing amends to my son, wanted me to read it, and then has not sent it. It seems that door closed. How does that happen? Her insight and the breakdown of denial is fleeting--moments of clarity, just moments, that then disappear. It's so sad, for all of us.
Yes, my spouse always seemed -- and was -- unaware and completely oblivious to the fact that she was harming herself, physically, medically, and in other ways. Once she went into the hospital, having drank herself into a state of unconsciousness and was completely non-responsive. When she finally regained consciousness -- and after denying she had been drinking -- she looked up her symptoms on the internet, leaving out the fact that she consumed a massive amount alcohol, and then discovered she had passed out due to some blood/chemical imbalance. I don't remember, but it could have been hypoglycemia, which of course she tested negative for. So, she had her excuse. Her denial. Anyway, she was completely unaware of what impact her drinking had on the family, and everyone else. There were always "glimpses" of progress, change, admitting she had a problem, but they were always brief -- and usually as a result of something bad that happened. More denial, enabling, appeasing, rationalizing, negotiating, and so on and so on and so on. Nothing changes if nothing changes...and that statement is about US.
The moments of clarity and awareness are so brief, but they are also part of the disease. It's the part that negotiates, appeases, etc. -- and that right there is like a drug for us. That's what we want, because they will stop drinking!!! My sponsor used to say...HOW'S THAT WORKING FOR YOU. Yes, those moments are so brief, so immediate...and they disappear...like they were never real in the first place.
Yes, it is very sad. Tragic. For all.
For me, this thread is a helpful illustration of what "we" Al-Anons do
..put others under the microscope.
My sponsor often tells me a great truth, "HP did not promise 'easy'...just lots of company." lol
Putting another person under the microscope... our emotions follow... while we minimize, ignore, deny the effects of this habitual practice has on us...
Life could be more happy... but "we" don't.. or won't.. or can't ..... so sad....
Same story.
Yet if someone were to tell me that what I do makes them sad.... I would tell them, "Bugger off you arrogant prick, mind your own business!!"
the goal is to see ourselves. I had a problem with their lifestyle, while they did not. they were NOT asking for my opinion, I just gave it. I saw myself as a beautiful, loving and concerned wife, daughter, sister, mother, etc. While they did not. eventually I learned to Live and Let Live.
If I could have been helped by a coach or counselor, it would have happened long before al-anon. I had spent years with multiple counselors, spending thousands. What did work well for me was the simple act of going to meetings... to listen and learn, listen and learn, listen and learn with an open mind... from a huge variety of people offering me their precious hard-earned ESH week after week after week.
At my meetings, "we" never double check to make sure everyone is thinking alike or in the "right" frame of mind or in the right place, double-checking that nobody is collapsing anything, lol... before we turn the page and continue reading
We just keep studying, simply doing our part - we keep at it!
One fine day we begin to realize, as individuals, we have made some personal progress!! somehow it all gets woven together... with every meeting we heard just what we needed to hear... and we are so thrilled... and we want very badly to share this with the world... falling into an old habit of believing what we think think think is best for EVERYONE. the behavior that brought us here in the first place. Once again, playing the director, the higher power... unaware.. not accepting but denying and disallowing.... the Higher Powers perfect power and ability... to straighten us all out.
ours is often called a "we" program because we gradually realize we are all connected. God bless us (((everyone)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Sunday 12th of July 2020 08:36:03 AM
... imagining us all together at wolfie's house, having blueberry cheesecake...