This Sunday was pick up of my boyfriend's kids for 30 days. It's been one day and drama already. The 2 children are under 10 years old and the ex-wife bought them phones and sent them with them. She has been calling and texting them like crazy. She asks them questions about everything else but how they are. She asked them questions about me and the house, abt my bf, abt the food I made even about my dog.... She called at 2:30 in the morning Sunday night and left a voicemail. Everyone was asleep. On the voicemail she said she was very concerned about them and why they didn't answer. It was 2:30 am! She sounded drunk on the message. She had court last week for a DWI and they are taking her to trial. I don't know the details of the case nor do I care but if they are taking her to trial isn't that bad? Anyway today the kids and I had a great day. She called after dinner and the kids said they had an awesome day here. Well that was enough to send her into a drunken rage. My bf has been out of work due to the Covid 19 virus. He did apply for unemployment he was approved but the checks have not come in yet. I have access to all the info and I know he hasn't been sent anything. He has to pay child support every month. He couldn't pay due to no income. She called and emailed saying that she was going to turn him in for non-payment and to expect a warrant for his arrest in the morning. Idk if she can do that or not especially since he always pays this would be the first month he doesn't pay due to being unemployed. It stressed me out. But I couldn't help him. I'm carrying us through the Covid 19 by paying for rent, utilities and food. I'm tapped out. Other times I would have scrambled to help him but I couldn't. He wound up asking a family member to help him out. The kids and I made popcorn and watched a movie. I put them to bed while he was scrambling to fix his issue. I didn't want the kids to hear him and wanted them to have a good evening. I'm realizing now that I have more alcoholics to deal with in my life than just my bf. I'm trying to set my boundaries and not overly care or fix things. Idk if what I did tonight was healthy for my mental state or not. I took tonight 5 minutes at a time. It felt very chaotic.
SerenityRUS said
Jul 1, 2020
I'm just going to address the legal parts of this .. as for me that's the stressful part. I'm assuming you are in the United States.
I don't suggest this on a regular basis. No .. your bf isn't going to jail over 30 days of late payments. Family court on a good day is hard to get into most courts won't normally hear things until 45+days. It's really going to depend where you are at. He could go to court however based upon covid19 .. nothing is happening in the family courts unless it's deemed an emergency. I would suggest filing paperwork to modify the child support temporarily. Even if the courts don't hear it this week it will be retroed to the filing date. That can make a difference in late penalties. This is temporary not forever. I am a firm believer in child support it's very sad to hear mom has challenges. These are all things that are within HIS power to do. Yes .. going to court immediately for a dui is not good and it will depend on the offense. Court isn't usually instant. My X's last DUI took 2 years i believe to deal with .. from the time he got it to the final date. It was delay delay delay. Ridiculous. So I expect if she has an attorney it will be delayed.
FYI .. as long as you are with bf you will have to navigate for yourself what you will and won't deal with. My sig other has adult children that's a different challenge lol .. the kids are and should be for life. He was divorcing when we got together and when I say it was insane that's putting it mildly. Some of my boundaries were .. phone to DND at night there were 16 hours during the day he could deal with her. If there's an emergency what are you going to do at 3am that couldn't be dealt with at 7am? I wasn't having sleep disrupted. He had to learn to say no. We couldn't go out on a date without his phone blowing up. I wasn't interested in a man who couldn't put us first for 2 hours of an evening. Or needed constant drama circling the drain. He started blocking her. The nice thing about blocking is the messages are still there you deal with them later. It had been hours of abusive crazy every single weekend .. btw .. she wasn't an A that I'm aware of. You do have choices though and 230am is not an emergency. 10 year olds shouldn't have to deal with crazy when they are trying to sleep. Knowing what I know now .. none of this is easy and it sounds like you did great given the circumstances.
Alanon can help give you the perspective of what your boundaries are and your own self esteem. Working the steps attending meetings .. just taking care of your "stuff" opens the door to way more energy not to get pulled into the constant chaos of their crap. As you change so do others around you. :)
Iamhere said
Jul 1, 2020
At any point in my life that intersects with this disease and/or the diseased, there is a big time risk of chaos/drama/etc. What has always helped me is what Al-Anon suggests - self-care, the Serenity Prayer, tools, etc. I do believe any 'normal' that can be provided for smaller children is a noble effort even if it doesn't work out as we think!
I admire you - even though it felt very chaotic and you broke it down into small time increments, you are a success as you made it through to this morning to share about it. I found it very, very difficult to recognize/see any positives when the disease was all around me, so kudos to you for doing what you can/could in the moment.
Your post made me go find the Just for Today bookmark online - may it give you some things to consider, Just for Today!
JUST FOR TODAY I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
JUST FOR TODAY I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.
JUST FOR TODAY I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my luck as it comes, and fit myself to it.
JUST FOR TODAY I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will lean something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.
JUST FOR TODAY I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count. I will do at least two things I dont want to do just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.
JUST FOR TODAY I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, keep my voice low, be courteous, criticize not one bit. I wont find fault with anything, nor try to improve or regulate anybody but myself.
JUST FOR TODAY I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.
JUST FOR TODAY I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective on my life.
JUST FOR TODAY I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.
Keep coming back - there is always hope and help in recovery!
dragonfly04 said
Jul 1, 2020
Thank you for all the kind words :) this morning things were more calm and my bf set an appt to talk to his lawyer via phone and is waiting for a call back from the state child support office. He needs to let them know his current situation financially. He is a lot of things but he always wants to stay current and provide for his children. He loves his kids and tries to be their for them in everything they do. His ex-wife tries to control everything to her liking. She has gone against court order a lot of times by withholding the kids for visitations. He needs to talk to the lawyer and he needs to set his boundaries with the ex-wife. I have no part in it. I can be here to listen to him but it's not in my power to fix things. I'm taking it easy today just for today :)
Iamhere said
Jul 2, 2020
Good to hear your plan dragonfly04! That's the best way to roll in recovery - one day at a time, small efforts/change. (((Hugs)))
Bo said
Jul 2, 2020
Welcome dragonfly...yes, the situation sounds like a great deal of chaos, coupled with some drama, turmoil, and the occasional havoc. I guess to some extent, the situation by design is extremely vulnerable to all of that. It's just a chaotic situation. Why? Because you have an alcoholic -- a chaotic, drama-filled, turmoil-ridden, and havoc-based person -- involved and at the center of it.
All of wat you described is pretty normal for someone such as this. While I never focus on the alcoholic, to some extent, they thrive on the drama, chaos, turmoil, and havoc. It goes along with the drinking. It goes along with the disease. Yes, some alcoholics just want to drink, but others, who knows. There is no rhyme or reason to this disease or the alcoholic. As I've long said...the more you try and figure out why the alcoholic does what they do, the more you will drive yourself crazy!!!
That said, while I am an attorney, I am not practicing. Even if I was, ethically, I could not speak to many of the issues you raised and referenced in your email. The BEST, SAFEST, and the RIGHT thing to do is to speak with your BF's attorney!!! Period. Let the attorney guide him, advise him, and tell him what he can and can't do, give him options, etc. That's what a good attorney does. I've been involved -- professionally -- in over 400 divorce/post-divorce actions -- and what I said about the attorney guiding him, advising him, etc., that is the best place your BF can be. Now, whether or not his attorney is a good attorney is a completely separate and distinct discussion, and outside the scope of this discussion.
Taking her to trial for a DWI? Interesting. As far you helping him out or not, being able to or not, whatever the case might be -- that's up to you. Nobody can tell you to do that or not do that. It is up to you. I don't know about the other alcoholics you have to deal with in your life as you didn't specifically speak of them. However, understand that setting your boundaries -- that's great -- but understand how boundaries really work. They are not set so that the alcoholic or other person doesn't cross them and violate them. Boundaries are established, implemented, and honored BECAUSE the alcoholic or other person WILL cross them and violate them! Remember the purpose of a boundary and who it is there for. I've often said boundaries are an "advanced topic" in alanon. Even seasoned people don't truly understand boundaries. It's not an easy topic to get a handle on, understand, and ultimately master.
If you can, and want to...go to face to face (conference approved), official, alanon meetings. They are now being held via zoom, and they are all over the place, all over the world. Go to as many meetings as often as you can. Start to learn about the alanon program, what it can, what it can't do for you...and it is very much like a computer...put garbage in, then garbage will come out...put quality, honest, good in, then you will get quality, honest, and good to come out of it. If you can and want to -- start to work the program. You can and will get better and healthy.
All the best.
Bo said
Jul 2, 2020
dragonfly04 wrote:
Thank you for all the kind words :) this morning things were more calm and my bf set an appt to talk to his lawyer via phone and is waiting for a call back from the state child support office. He needs to let them know his current situation financially. He is a lot of things but he always wants to stay current and provide for his children. He loves his kids and tries to be their for them in everything they do. His ex-wife tries to control everything to her liking. She has gone against court order a lot of times by withholding the kids for visitations. He needs to talk to the lawyer and he needs to set his boundaries with the ex-wife. I have no part in it. I can be here to listen to him but it's not in my power to fix things. I'm taking it easy today just for today :)
Excellent observations and insights!!! Excellent perspectives and plan!!! Yes, you have no part "in it" and it has to be him who handles this, addresses this, and manages it. You can be there in a healthy and supportive way...but if he ends up on the roller coaster with his ex...you don't have to be on it with them!!!
All the best!!!
JerryF said
Jul 2, 2020
Keep as much daily program in your life Dragon Fly because Al-Anon and AA and the steps are very powerfully different than usual life. The steps and traditions were beyond what I would usually get when not in a meeting or with my sponsor and other members. I have learned to think differently, feel differently, behave differently for my benefit and for those around me. No more judges or courts or police chases and such and no more going crazy because the alcoholic/addict and her crowd were trying too make me do what they thought and wanted me to.
I don't have to deal with her/their manipulations any more. There are many others still around that want me in their form but that today is just for program practice for me and opportunities to hang with my Higher Power and have it come out "Our way". Works for me more often. ((((Hugs)))) Keep coming back.
Maresie888 said
Jul 3, 2020
I.mosr definitely have been the rescuer in my life. That situation is very difficult
I do understand that there is a real issue with unemolyment. Your boyfriend can contact the State Senator's office and state that getting unemployment is critical.
I also very nuch understand how it is to be in the middle of chaos. I have had to look.at ways I invite chaos into my life.
I cane into al.anon because I had made my qualifiet the center of my life. What he did, his family, his friends, his oroblems had become central to my life.
There was of course, another issue. The qualifier's mother was also central to his life. I viewed her as one of my major problems. I was obsessed with the idea that she was somehow denying me access to quality time with the qualifier. The truth was apart from a small anount of time there was no quality time with the qualifier.
Please note all the themes I.have mentioned which are typical of the alcoholic. Being consumed with these kind of relationships is what brings many of us here
I no longer have an alcoholic consuming my life. I still have plenty of issues i have to desl with all of them
Maresie
dragonfly04 said
Jul 3, 2020
Thank you for all the positive words and information. I appreciate it very much. I do not know how custody
and how child support work other than what I read on his divorce decree. When I got divorced we didn't outright own any property except the vehicles and we did not have children so I was able to divorce pretty quickly and easily. As for her DWI I believe she had an open container in the vehicle and resisted arrest also apparently this was not her first dwi. I do not know much of the details and what I do know is hearsay. So I will not assume to know the details. He was able to talk to his lawyer and he is still waiting from a call back from state attorney general office. Things have calmed down a bit. He is actively looking for employment. The unemployment office still hasn't come through even though he is approved. I have been taking it one day at a time. I ordered the one day at a time book to start my daily readings. I feel like I want to hurry and get better. I feel like everything I do is either a good thing or a mistake. I have no balance right now. With every post I read I am learning. Thank you for having these boards to share and read I am grateful for them.
Bo said
Jul 3, 2020
dragonfly...funny thing, dynamic...life gets better when we keep OUR eyes on OUR road. You are focusing on YOU, and your BF, and you are there for him, in what sounds like a healthy and supportive way. Getting better -- what we call recovery -- is not a destination, it's a journey. Time takes time. Yes, the more you want it -- really want it -- and the more "work" you do on YOU, yes, the quicker you can get better, to some extent. Getting better happens little by slowly.
Try not to look at everything as right or wrong, good or bad, proper or mistake, etc. Try to look at these various things as "healthy" or "unhealthy" -- or perhaps, "healthy" or "could have explored another option" or something along those lines. It's not about right and wrong, or the like. It's about progress not perfection. It's about trying, failing, learning, getting better, understanding, wanting to get healthy, doing the work, and we do all of this...ONE DAY AT A TIME. Balance will come...when you focus on YOU. Keep up the good work!
Also, consider buying Courage To Change. It is the other daily reader we have in the alanon program.
-- Edited by Bo on Friday 3rd of July 2020 08:11:17 AM
Maresie888 said
Jul 3, 2020
I have the maxim of not having too much on my plate. Sounds like you have a lot on
Maresie
JerryF said
Jul 3, 2020
One piece of very very good ESH (Experience Strength and Hope) I got from my elderly sponsor when I first got into Al-Anon was to read my post over again and then as if I was someone else, a newbie perhaps and then see what I thought of my post then. I did that and do that still in order to get better perspective of where I am at or where I am coming from. Try that with your last post as if you were some one else and see what it sounds like. Keep coming back (((hugs)))
Iamhere said
Jul 4, 2020
(((dragonfly))) - I remember feeling I had no balance. I too wanted to be well or get well 'quickly'...my sponsor reminded me over and over again that I did not become who I was overnight and recovery was no fast solution. She also suggested I work to replace my black/white thinking - which included good/bad, right/wrong - by adding some shades of gray. We came up with the idea that instead of something being bad or wrong, I consider 'what' within was better/improved vs. yesterday or a week ago.
Keeping everything as simple as possible helped me greatly too. A fire hose of Al-Anon speak sounded like Charlie Brown's parents, "Wha-wha-what..."
Good on you for ordering a daily reader! They are all lovely and were a nice change in my daily efforts. Instead of being full of worry, anxiety or concern over the disease and the diseased each morning, I picked up the book and focused on the reading. Even if it was only for a while, it gave me a different perspective for each day. The back of all the daily readers have indexes - so if I am struggling with acceptance, anger, fear, etc. - I can go to the back, find my topic and read some pages....serves me well mentally to change up my obsessive thoughts (which can be negative).
Keep doing what you're doing and keep coming back!
I admire you - even though it felt very chaotic and you broke it down into small time increments, you are a success as you made it through to this morning to share about it. I found it very, very difficult to recognize/see any positives when the disease was all around me, so kudos to you for doing what you can/could in the moment.
Your post made me go find the Just for Today bookmark online - may it give you some things to consider, Just for Today!
JUST FOR TODAY I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
JUST FOR TODAY I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.
JUST FOR TODAY I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my luck as it comes, and fit myself to it.
JUST FOR TODAY I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will lean something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.
JUST FOR TODAY I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count. I will do at least two things I dont want to do just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.
JUST FOR TODAY I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, keep my voice low, be courteous, criticize not one bit. I wont find fault with anything, nor try to improve or regulate anybody but myself.
JUST FOR TODAY I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.
JUST FOR TODAY I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective on my life.
JUST FOR TODAY I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.
Keep coming back - there is always hope and help in recovery!
All of wat you described is pretty normal for someone such as this. While I never focus on the alcoholic, to some extent, they thrive on the drama, chaos, turmoil, and havoc. It goes along with the drinking. It goes along with the disease. Yes, some alcoholics just want to drink, but others, who knows. There is no rhyme or reason to this disease or the alcoholic. As I've long said...the more you try and figure out why the alcoholic does what they do, the more you will drive yourself crazy!!!
That said, while I am an attorney, I am not practicing. Even if I was, ethically, I could not speak to many of the issues you raised and referenced in your email. The BEST, SAFEST, and the RIGHT thing to do is to speak with your BF's attorney!!! Period. Let the attorney guide him, advise him, and tell him what he can and can't do, give him options, etc. That's what a good attorney does. I've been involved -- professionally -- in over 400 divorce/post-divorce actions -- and what I said about the attorney guiding him, advising him, etc., that is the best place your BF can be. Now, whether or not his attorney is a good attorney is a completely separate and distinct discussion, and outside the scope of this discussion.
Taking her to trial for a DWI? Interesting. As far you helping him out or not, being able to or not, whatever the case might be -- that's up to you. Nobody can tell you to do that or not do that. It is up to you. I don't know about the other alcoholics you have to deal with in your life as you didn't specifically speak of them. However, understand that setting your boundaries -- that's great -- but understand how boundaries really work. They are not set so that the alcoholic or other person doesn't cross them and violate them. Boundaries are established, implemented, and honored BECAUSE the alcoholic or other person WILL cross them and violate them! Remember the purpose of a boundary and who it is there for. I've often said boundaries are an "advanced topic" in alanon. Even seasoned people don't truly understand boundaries. It's not an easy topic to get a handle on, understand, and ultimately master.
If you can, and want to...go to face to face (conference approved), official, alanon meetings. They are now being held via zoom, and they are all over the place, all over the world. Go to as many meetings as often as you can. Start to learn about the alanon program, what it can, what it can't do for you...and it is very much like a computer...put garbage in, then garbage will come out...put quality, honest, good in, then you will get quality, honest, and good to come out of it. If you can and want to -- start to work the program. You can and will get better and healthy.
All the best.
Excellent observations and insights!!! Excellent perspectives and plan!!! Yes, you have no part "in it" and it has to be him who handles this, addresses this, and manages it. You can be there in a healthy and supportive way...but if he ends up on the roller coaster with his ex...you don't have to be on it with them!!!
All the best!!!
Keep as much daily program in your life Dragon Fly because Al-Anon and AA and the steps are very powerfully different than usual life. The steps and traditions were beyond what I would usually get when not in a meeting or with my sponsor and other members. I have learned to think differently, feel differently, behave differently for my benefit and for those around me. No more judges or courts or police chases and such and no more going crazy because the alcoholic/addict and her crowd were trying too make me do what they thought and wanted me to.
I don't have to deal with her/their manipulations any more. There are many others still around that want me in their form but that today is just for program practice for me and opportunities to hang with my Higher Power and have it come out "Our way". Works for me more often. ((((Hugs)))) Keep coming back.
dragonfly...funny thing, dynamic...life gets better when we keep OUR eyes on OUR road. You are focusing on YOU, and your BF, and you are there for him, in what sounds like a healthy and supportive way. Getting better -- what we call recovery -- is not a destination, it's a journey. Time takes time. Yes, the more you want it -- really want it -- and the more "work" you do on YOU, yes, the quicker you can get better, to some extent. Getting better happens little by slowly.
Try not to look at everything as right or wrong, good or bad, proper or mistake, etc. Try to look at these various things as "healthy" or "unhealthy" -- or perhaps, "healthy" or "could have explored another option" or something along those lines. It's not about right and wrong, or the like. It's about progress not perfection. It's about trying, failing, learning, getting better, understanding, wanting to get healthy, doing the work, and we do all of this...ONE DAY AT A TIME. Balance will come...when you focus on YOU. Keep up the good work!
Also, consider buying Courage To Change. It is the other daily reader we have in the alanon program.
-- Edited by Bo on Friday 3rd of July 2020 08:11:17 AM
One piece of very very good ESH (Experience Strength and Hope) I got from my elderly sponsor when I first got into Al-Anon was to read my post over again and then as if I was someone else, a newbie perhaps and then see what I thought of my post then. I did that and do that still in order to get better perspective of where I am at or where I am coming from. Try that with your last post as if you were some one else and see what it sounds like. Keep coming back (((hugs)))
Keeping everything as simple as possible helped me greatly too. A fire hose of Al-Anon speak sounded like Charlie Brown's parents, "Wha-wha-what..."
Good on you for ordering a daily reader! They are all lovely and were a nice change in my daily efforts. Instead of being full of worry, anxiety or concern over the disease and the diseased each morning, I picked up the book and focused on the reading. Even if it was only for a while, it gave me a different perspective for each day. The back of all the daily readers have indexes - so if I am struggling with acceptance, anger, fear, etc. - I can go to the back, find my topic and read some pages....serves me well mentally to change up my obsessive thoughts (which can be negative).
Keep doing what you're doing and keep coming back!