Things have peaked to al time low. Last night ended with my AH saying he was done with the marriage. Hes been sober 3 months & his meanness is out of control. I was sobbing begging him not to walk away & talk to me. I said I deserved better than this. He said he had nothing to say to me & he went to bed. I know Al-Anon is about focusing on me. He has destroyed me over 7 years. I cant live like this anymore. Im not allowed to share feelings without an explosion. Im at such a loss here.
Bo said
Jun 29, 2020
Cath, I am so sorry you are going through this right now. It's a brutal situation no matter how you look at it. However, and while this may not sound promising, or what you want to hear, in my experience, there is one thing you have to look at...and that is...at the end of whatever and however this plays out...one thing is certain...YOU HAVE TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU WILL BE OK!!! You have to have the will, the desire, and the drive, to make sure that YOU will be OK...YOU can survive and live YOUR life. I don't know if that's married, separated, divorced, or what...but no matter how it plays out...YOU HAVE TO BE OK. Alanon can provide that for you if you do the work.
I don't know where your head is at right now -- if your efforts were to help/fix him, save the marriage, for you to get better and get healthy, etc. I have no idea. There could be a lot going on here with you -- codependency, desperation, fear, rage, etc. Regardless, now is the time to face certain realities and start to focus on YOU. First, he is going to want what he wants. There is nothing you can do about that. Whether it's drinking, staying married, getting divorced, whatever, he is in 100% control of that. The flip-side of that is great news and that is YOU are in 100% control of what YOU want. Now, obviously, certain scenarios -- like staying married -- takes both people to want the same thing and be in agreement, but that's not the issue here. The issue here is YOU.
He is struggling. You are struggling. If he is going to AA and working his program...WHY DON'T YOU WORK YOUR PROGRAM? Get on the phone with your sponsor! Immerse yourself in ACCEPTANCE. If you know alanon is about focusing on YOU...then really embrace and work ACCEPTANCE, and then stop chasing him, stop begging him to not walk away, to talk to you, etc. That, in a sense, is your contribution to the situation. You are perpetuating the situation...enabling it in a way. Take a deep breath, and let it go. Stop the dance. Stop the back and forth.
This is not about you sharing your feelings with him. You are trying to apply logic to an illogical person. You are trying to apply logic to an illogical situation. You are trying to be logical in a world where logic does not, can not, and will not apply. At least not for right now. If he is going to AA and working his program, he is very early on in his recovery. He's struggling. He's doing all he can do, every single day, sometimes every single minute, just to stay sober. If he's not going to AA and not working his program, well, then he's a dry drunk, and still has all the 'ism's he had when he was drinking. Either way -- he is still an alcoholic. The goal, the solution, is not about you expressing yourself. Life doesn't become wonderful just because you express yourself. Life becomes wonderful, little by slowly, one day at a time, when you begin to do the work, and set out on your journey of recovery. He has to go on his journey. And you have to go on your journey. You can't go on each other's, you can't go for him, you can't even go with him. You two may live together, live status quo, not knowing what the future holds...while each of you go on your journey of recovery. You each have to focus on yourselves. The marriage becomes second right now. Not neglected, but second. And both have to want to make it work. It can't be just one.
You say you can't live like this any longer. So, have you hit your rock bottom? Are you ready to stop wanting to express yourself, be right, prove your point, argue, beg, fight, whatever else? Once we hit our rock bottom, and we've had enough, we are ready to get better. We are ready to start doing the work and working the alanon program? We often say that the alcoholic has to feel the consequences, feel the pain, of their own actions...hit rock bottom...and then they may decide...enough...no more...and they want to get clean and sober. In my experience, often, it is the same for us.
Go to meetings (zoom alanon meetings). As many and as often as you can. Do the readings. Call your sponsor. Do the work. Work the program. It works if you work it, so work it...YOU are worth it.
All the best.
PosiesandPuppies said
Jun 29, 2020
(((((Crmans))))))
Sending you hugs over the interwebs. You are experiencing the hardest right now. It is not what you want. I keep coming back to two of your sentences:
"I deserve better than this." and "I can't live like this anymore."
Rely on your HP to guide you through.
&
Lyne said
Jun 29, 2020
crmansMy A is untreated alcoholic and therefore unable to tune into reality. The alcoholic in my world, sees what they want to see, has an endless supply of passive aggressive anger, and its sad, unfortunate, shouldnt be like this, but I ACCEPT this is what I have at this moment in time. I have resigned from the doormat clubthere is no more begging, pleading, finding help, nor will I take in any negative insults or listen to that I am crazy.
Taking care of me now means having alanon contact daily in one form or another. I come first, my health and peace. All I have to do is take this one day, or this one hour or this one moment, and make the next right step for me. I can live without my A. Its not my preference for a variety of reason, but I will survive. And with this program, I am happy much of the time, no matter what my A is doing, just like the literature says. Its up to you. Lyne
2HP said
Jun 29, 2020
Dear Cathy, three months into recovery is nothing compared to how long he has been alcoholic, right?
In Al-anon, to "focus on ourselves" is not about turning angry or demanding, fighting for ourselves... adding another fearful person to an already fearful world (been there, done that)
Focusing on ourselves is stepping into a space of detachment to observe ourselves. its putting ourselves under the microscope instead of others. it's seeing how his disease triggered dis-ease in me (until we get stronger by detachment in our own recovery.)
In the beginning when I saw myself, I saw how he was there for him and I was there for him, and nobody was over here for ME! I saw my heart bleeding profusely and saw myself without much hope...
If you relate, try putting your hand over your heart and send love love love... "this hurts... I am here for you...." (self love)
create some harmony today. make some tea or lemonade just for YOU and grab all the al-anon literature you have available. Find a quiet spot where you can indulge on the wisdom of Step one...
whatever time you spend reading, spend twice as long writing. Write about something you had just read that really soothes and comforts you. something you can use to "take with you" when you leave the room and re-enter the world again... just like we do in F2F meetings.
Doing this one day at a time will change you. your changed attitudes may aid his recovery too... similar to an entire mobile shifting by the slightest touch.... expect the best.
(((hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Monday 29th of June 2020 02:07:16 PM
Iamhere said
Jun 29, 2020
(((Cath))) - I too am so, so sorry for where you are and the obvious pain/hurt you're feeling. I know when I hit my rock bottom, it was suggested to me to retreat, just as 2HP above me has described. I can not embrace my own healing until I stop obsessing over another person, the future, the past, etc. If I want to heal, grow and return to sanity, I must start at Step One.
I realize it feels as if he owes you something. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. We truly are powerless over other people, places and things. If another has no interest in a discussion, resolving issues, mending fences, moving forward, etc. we can't force a solution upon them - this just makes us all the more miserable!
In addition to what 2HP suggests, I would add that if you look to the top right, there is a step work board here. Betty (hotrod) diligently posted a step/tradition for those interested in working them. I don't know that anyone is keeping it up currently, but there is tons of good writing from others that might help you see what's considered in Step One.
I heard early on in recovery that 'another's rejection of me is God's protection of me.' While it feels incredibly painful to be dismissed, or rejected, I can say when I've gotten to the other side, what's waiting for me has been worth it - time and time again. Please keep coming back - know that you are not alone.
Maresie888 said
Jun 29, 2020
I.had a andonment issues sp.whenever anyone said they wete leaving I wsd desolate. Abandonment wss a huge iddie for me
I know the pain of feeling abandoned is oarticularly profoumd. I.am glad you have reached out.
My pain got a lot better in this orogram
Welcome
.
I don't know where your head is at right now -- if your efforts were to help/fix him, save the marriage, for you to get better and get healthy, etc. I have no idea. There could be a lot going on here with you -- codependency, desperation, fear, rage, etc. Regardless, now is the time to face certain realities and start to focus on YOU. First, he is going to want what he wants. There is nothing you can do about that. Whether it's drinking, staying married, getting divorced, whatever, he is in 100% control of that. The flip-side of that is great news and that is YOU are in 100% control of what YOU want. Now, obviously, certain scenarios -- like staying married -- takes both people to want the same thing and be in agreement, but that's not the issue here. The issue here is YOU.
He is struggling. You are struggling. If he is going to AA and working his program...WHY DON'T YOU WORK YOUR PROGRAM? Get on the phone with your sponsor! Immerse yourself in ACCEPTANCE. If you know alanon is about focusing on YOU...then really embrace and work ACCEPTANCE, and then stop chasing him, stop begging him to not walk away, to talk to you, etc. That, in a sense, is your contribution to the situation. You are perpetuating the situation...enabling it in a way. Take a deep breath, and let it go. Stop the dance. Stop the back and forth.
This is not about you sharing your feelings with him. You are trying to apply logic to an illogical person. You are trying to apply logic to an illogical situation. You are trying to be logical in a world where logic does not, can not, and will not apply. At least not for right now. If he is going to AA and working his program, he is very early on in his recovery. He's struggling. He's doing all he can do, every single day, sometimes every single minute, just to stay sober. If he's not going to AA and not working his program, well, then he's a dry drunk, and still has all the 'ism's he had when he was drinking. Either way -- he is still an alcoholic. The goal, the solution, is not about you expressing yourself. Life doesn't become wonderful just because you express yourself. Life becomes wonderful, little by slowly, one day at a time, when you begin to do the work, and set out on your journey of recovery. He has to go on his journey. And you have to go on your journey. You can't go on each other's, you can't go for him, you can't even go with him. You two may live together, live status quo, not knowing what the future holds...while each of you go on your journey of recovery. You each have to focus on yourselves. The marriage becomes second right now. Not neglected, but second. And both have to want to make it work. It can't be just one.
You say you can't live like this any longer. So, have you hit your rock bottom? Are you ready to stop wanting to express yourself, be right, prove your point, argue, beg, fight, whatever else? Once we hit our rock bottom, and we've had enough, we are ready to get better. We are ready to start doing the work and working the alanon program? We often say that the alcoholic has to feel the consequences, feel the pain, of their own actions...hit rock bottom...and then they may decide...enough...no more...and they want to get clean and sober. In my experience, often, it is the same for us.
Go to meetings (zoom alanon meetings). As many and as often as you can. Do the readings. Call your sponsor. Do the work. Work the program. It works if you work it, so work it...YOU are worth it.
All the best.
Sending you hugs over the interwebs. You are experiencing the hardest right now. It is not what you want. I keep coming back to two of your sentences:
"I deserve better than this." and "I can't live like this anymore."
Rely on your HP to guide you through.
Taking care of me now means having alanon contact daily in one form or another. I come first, my health and peace. All I have to do is take this one day, or this one hour or this one moment, and make the next right step for me. I can live without my A. Its not my preference for a variety of reason, but I will survive. And with this program, I am happy much of the time, no matter what my A is doing, just like the literature says. Its up to you. Lyne
Dear Cathy, three months into recovery is nothing compared to how long he has been alcoholic, right?
In Al-anon, to "focus on ourselves" is not about turning angry or demanding, fighting for ourselves... adding another fearful person to an already fearful world (been there, done that)
Focusing on ourselves is stepping into a space of detachment to observe ourselves. its putting ourselves under the microscope instead of others. it's seeing how his disease triggered dis-ease in me (until we get stronger by detachment in our own recovery.)
In the beginning when I saw myself, I saw how he was there for him and I was there for him, and nobody was over here for ME! I saw my heart bleeding profusely and saw myself without much hope...
If you relate, try putting your hand over your heart and send love love love... "this hurts... I am here for you...." (self love)
create some harmony today. make some tea or lemonade just for YOU and grab all the al-anon literature you have available. Find a quiet spot where you can indulge on the wisdom of Step one...
whatever time you spend reading, spend twice as long writing. Write about something you had just read that really soothes and comforts you. something you can use to "take with you" when you leave the room and re-enter the world again... just like we do in F2F meetings.
Doing this one day at a time will change you. your changed attitudes may aid his recovery too... similar to an entire mobile shifting by the slightest touch.... expect the best.
(((hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Monday 29th of June 2020 02:07:16 PM
I realize it feels as if he owes you something. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. We truly are powerless over other people, places and things. If another has no interest in a discussion, resolving issues, mending fences, moving forward, etc. we can't force a solution upon them - this just makes us all the more miserable!
In addition to what 2HP suggests, I would add that if you look to the top right, there is a step work board here. Betty (hotrod) diligently posted a step/tradition for those interested in working them. I don't know that anyone is keeping it up currently, but there is tons of good writing from others that might help you see what's considered in Step One.
I heard early on in recovery that 'another's rejection of me is God's protection of me.' While it feels incredibly painful to be dismissed, or rejected, I can say when I've gotten to the other side, what's waiting for me has been worth it - time and time again. Please keep coming back - know that you are not alone.