New here: My wife is an alcoholic and she is initiating divorce from me
MCB1970 said
Jun 27, 2020
This is not how the story is supposed to go: normally the non-drinking spouse in a relationship gets fed up with their partner's drinking and ends the marriage. But my alcoholic wife of 24 years has initiated a divorce from me, despite my years of support as she entered recovery and frequently relapsed. Now she is living apart from our two teenaged children and I in a sober house. She claims that my behavior during the marriage and the recovery process has made it impossible for her to live sober with me. She also claims that I have no value to her as a spouse or as a person and that she does not love me anymore.
Just a year ago, she was in a residential treatment program and was telling me how the counselors there called me an "angel" for standing by her in her recovery. And I did stand by her, literally, as she was brought to hospital ERs drunk and passed out after a binge. I held her hand in the middle of the night. I was patient time and time again when she relapsed. I loved her and I still do.
But she does not value my love. It comes down to money. I am the lesser breadwinner in the family, and after she lost her well-paying job last year after exhausting medical leave, I struggled to fill the gap in income and failed. I couldn't go from zero to 100 immediately, but she resented that I couldn't and started becoming more distant with me. It was then that I realized that her love was completely conditional and indeed that she put a dollar figure on it.
We entered marriage counseling earlier this year, and she immediately started throwing stones, blaming me for her problems. After a couple of other sessions that offered glimpses of hope for the marriage, the therapist asked in a subsequent session where we thought we would be as a couple in two years. Both he and my wife had just congratulated me on some new work contracts that would raise my income, and so he asked me to go first. I said that I thought we would emerge from this shared struggle stronger and in a better position. Then she went and said that she didn't think we'd be together in two years. The therapist's jaw visibly dropped. I was nonplussed. I never saw this coming.
I am being rejected for my loyalty and for putting forth effort into the marriage. Yes, I failed at providing for the family. I wrote a mea culpa in which I listed my many faults as a lover, as a husband, as a father and as a human being. I took responsibility for my failures. I also debased myself so much that I became suicidal. Her response: yes, you are a failure and that's why I'm leaving you. I asked for forgiveness and I asked to make amends for the bad things I had done in the marriage. The offer was declined.
I pressed her for more information about why she all of a sudden decided to leave me. She finally give me a list of about 20 reasons, some of which were valid, but many of which were pure B.S. Among them was "you haven't taken responsibility for your failures," Um, excuse me, had she not read what I wrote? Probably not. Another reason that stands out was that I was not as "spiritual" as she was. Well, Miss Holier-than-thou, I spent many hours in church and at my bedside praying for her health and recovery. Because I didn't do it right in front of her eyes, I guess she doesn't believe me.
Is it typical for an alcoholic spouse to be this narcissistic, arrogant and sanctimonious? To me and others it seems like she has not taken responsibility for her alcoholism. Not once have I or our children received an apology for her drinking binges and the pain and suffering her drinking has caused our family. Not once has she admitted fault. It's always someone else's fault, usually mine.
I welcome your thoughts and suggestions for how to deal with this situation. My anger and sadness about the breakup of our marriage are completely unbearable.
JerryF said
Jun 27, 2020
Matt if you have the definition of alcoholism which states that it is cunning powerful and baffling you could come to the realization that few to none of us could out-think it or out-maneuver it on any level. We don't give advise to the non-alcoholic partner relying solely on
sharing our experience, strength and hope such as for me my alcoholic/addict spouse and my divorce was one of the better miracles in my life as it took me and kept me out of the constant "no win" endeavors I was addicted to. She eventually got into recovery and when most all of the problems, hers and mine met both AA and Al-Anon she got clean and sober and I got my sanity returned.
I still love her and love myself also.
God works in mysterious ways.
Keep coming back cause this works when we work it. (((hugs))) Sending prayers for you both.
Iamhere said
Jun 27, 2020
Welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and so glad that you shared. I am sorry for what brings you here and hear your sadness, anger, etc. The disease of alcoholism does bring about a level of arrogance, denial, and more - all of which grow until/unless one seeks formal treatment. Many do not find recovery/sobriety in treatment simply because the disease is that powerful.
Like Jerry suggests, we don't offer advice or direction, we instead just share our own ESH. I have not left my marriage and we have survived, with the help of Al-Anon recovery (for me). Your post reminds me of something I heard in Al-Anon - "Another's rejection is often God's protection." I have found this to be true, when I am set aside, dismissed or 'excused' from the life and love of my qualifier(s), I often find the sadness, pain, etc. I go threw is literally better than the he!! of direct engagement/involvement of the disease and diseased.
We suggest in Al-Anon to try F2F (face to face) meetings. That might be difficult with the pandemic - not sure for your area. If you visit the official Al-Anon site, you'll find alternatives for the now as well as tons of information on recovery, this disease, etc. Sorry for what brings you here but grateful you found the courage to reach out and share. Please keep coming back and know you aren't alone!
This is not how the story is supposed to go: normally the non-drinking spouse in a relationship gets fed up with their partner's drinking and ends the marriage. But my alcoholic wife of 24 years has initiated a divorce from me, despite my years of support as she entered recovery and frequently relapsed. Now she is living apart from our two teenaged children and I in a sober house. She claims that my behavior during the marriage and the recovery process has made it impossible for her to live sober with me. She also claims that I have no value to her as a spouse or as a person and that she does not love me anymore.
Just a year ago, she was in a residential treatment program and was telling me how the counselors there called me an "angel" for standing by her in her recovery. And I did stand by her, literally, as she was brought to hospital ERs drunk and passed out after a binge. I held her hand in the middle of the night. I was patient time and time again when she relapsed. I loved her and I still do.
But she does not value my love. It comes down to money. I am the lesser breadwinner in the family, and after she lost her well-paying job last year after exhausting medical leave, I struggled to fill the gap in income and failed. I couldn't go from zero to 100 immediately, but she resented that I couldn't and started becoming more distant with me. It was then that I realized that her love was completely conditional and indeed that she put a dollar figure on it.
We entered marriage counseling earlier this year, and she immediately started throwing stones, blaming me for her problems. After a couple of other sessions that offered glimpses of hope for the marriage, the therapist asked in a subsequent session where we thought we would be as a couple in two years. Both he and my wife had just congratulated me on some new work contracts that would raise my income, and so he asked me to go first. I said that I thought we would emerge from this shared struggle stronger and in a better position. Then she went and said that she didn't think we'd be together in two years. The therapist's jaw visibly dropped. I was nonplussed. I never saw this coming.
I am being rejected for my loyalty and for putting forth effort into the marriage. Yes, I failed at providing for the family. I wrote a mea culpa in which I listed my many faults as a lover, as a husband, as a father and as a human being. I took responsibility for my failures. I also debased myself so much that I became suicidal. Her response: yes, you are a failure and that's why I'm leaving you. I asked for forgiveness and I asked to make amends for the bad things I had done in the marriage. The offer was declined.
I pressed her for more information about why she all of a sudden decided to leave me. She finally give me a list of about 20 reasons, some of which were valid, but many of which were pure B.S. Among them was "you haven't taken responsibility for your failures," Um, excuse me, had she not read what I wrote? Probably not. Another reason that stands out was that I was not as "spiritual" as she was. Well, Miss Holier-than-thou, I spent many hours in church and at my bedside praying for her health and recovery. Because I didn't do it right in front of her eyes, I guess she doesn't believe me.
Is it typical for an alcoholic spouse to be this narcissistic, arrogant and sanctimonious? To me and others it seems like she has not taken responsibility for her alcoholism. Not once have I or our children received an apology for her drinking binges and the pain and suffering her drinking has caused our family. Not once has she admitted fault. It's always someone else's fault, usually mine.
I welcome your thoughts and suggestions for how to deal with this situation. My anger and sadness about the breakup of our marriage are completely unbearable.
Matt if you have the definition of alcoholism which states that it is cunning powerful and baffling you could come to the realization that few to none of us could out-think it or out-maneuver it on any level. We don't give advise to the non-alcoholic partner relying solely on
sharing our experience, strength and hope such as for me my alcoholic/addict spouse and my divorce was one of the better miracles in my life as it took me and kept me out of the constant "no win" endeavors I was addicted to. She eventually got into recovery and when most all of the problems, hers and mine met both AA and Al-Anon she got clean and sober and I got my sanity returned.
I still love her and love myself also.
God works in mysterious ways.
Keep coming back cause this works when we work it. (((hugs))) Sending prayers for you both.
Like Jerry suggests, we don't offer advice or direction, we instead just share our own ESH. I have not left my marriage and we have survived, with the help of Al-Anon recovery (for me). Your post reminds me of something I heard in Al-Anon - "Another's rejection is often God's protection." I have found this to be true, when I am set aside, dismissed or 'excused' from the life and love of my qualifier(s), I often find the sadness, pain, etc. I go threw is literally better than the he!! of direct engagement/involvement of the disease and diseased.
We suggest in Al-Anon to try F2F (face to face) meetings. That might be difficult with the pandemic - not sure for your area. If you visit the official Al-Anon site, you'll find alternatives for the now as well as tons of information on recovery, this disease, etc. Sorry for what brings you here but grateful you found the courage to reach out and share. Please keep coming back and know you aren't alone!