This weekend I got a text message from a colleague of mine. I most certainly did not give him my number
I gave him a non commital answer to his request to helo him. Then he texted another few times with this sense of entitlement
I am one of those people who is #helpful#
Now I.am thinking I need not to be so giving and helpful. I need to be more contained. After all when I needed help no one was vokunteering their services
In addition in the oast I was so eager for approval I would see this kind if request as simething good. Afrer all I lived to help others.
Being #available# led me to a profound sense of exhaustion. I have been months getting back my mojo.
I know that al anon talks about often about being kind. The first person I am to be kind to is myself. I have to watch this eagerness to #serve# and availability
The firsr person I have to take care of is myself. That was not a concept I looked ar before. I was the last oerson on my list
I have to build into my day opportunitues to regroup and regenerate otherwise I end up in a totally exhausted state where I can no longer afford to be.
Maresie
JerryF said
Jun 26, 2020
Maresie welcome back to the board with your post. It keyed in me my journey and history in the program and the maturing of my understanding and even learning what that means.
I came to tell everyone how it works while being as dumb as a stick at knowing anything about recovery. I didn't know what that meant because I didn't know about me and the disease I had lived my whole life in. I left the alcoholic/addict wife (3rd and more) at home or where ever and attempted to find other really sick people to fix. My early sponsor told me "I bet if you are quiet and listen closely you can hear God laugh".
My first true helping was making coffee for what became my home group and then listening with and open mind and humility which I learned was "being teachable". I also learned that the first step of being helpful was being asked.
God what a long trip.
Learning to share my ESH honestly on subject also was part of the lesson and then learning that my ESH wasn't always about me cause I had a very very sick Alcoholic/addict wife out there who had serious complaints about me also.
I'm looking forward to reading the post of others on your share cause I continue to want to learn. (((((Hugs)))))
Lyne said
Jun 27, 2020
{Maresie & Jerry} These are interesting shares indeed. I try to be giving to others but not at my own expense anymore. If I am going to make a choice that hurts my self-esteem, I'm not taking that choice. Another important lesson I've learned is to try and "THINK" (one of our slogans) before anything I do or say. (And by the way, this is extremely important for texting, email, etc.) I'm allowed to pause and take time to think things over. I do not have to rush to make decisions to make others happy. My job now is trying to make me happy, because for years I came last. I'm a giving and caring person, but also to ME! Lyne
Maresie888 said
Jun 27, 2020
A neighbor did end up helping me mive. He offered and I gave him money.for it
He was pretty happt with that arrangement
The ex roommare actually asked me to hekp.clean up his house. I thought about ut and declined
I.am aware with this #giving# hiw Inset myself up. I.am taking myself off the schedule at work for the 4th. I am not getting holuday pay so I am nit going in.
The holuday is on the 3td. I.am working that with some other emoloyer
I am fkabbergasted how I set myself up with the #giving
I played a part in.my own victimization
Maresie
mamalioness said
Jun 27, 2020
Great shares, everyone!!!! I like to give, but not at my expense...not going to sell me or my needs out to help another...Sounds cold, but I have to draw a line...what CAN I give?? and whats my motive??? anything that hurts me, takes away from me, I ama going to say no....and when it is a text, which so many people seem to be hooked on, (we are losing our real human contact with each other) the sterile cyberspace way of communicating...if a person wants me to help them BAD enough, they can CALL and ASK...but since they text, I CAN stop and think....is this a close relationship?? are they there for me a lot of times??? if I say yes, what is my motive??? I pause, pray, breathe, take my time and ponder b4 I say yes or no.....I LOVE giving and helping, but I put my care and needs first....I will do what I can , make a great effort for those who are really in my close circle but even then, if it is a bad expense to me, I gotta say "NO" and maybe offer alternate solutions for them....
JerryF said
Jun 28, 2020
Lyne I know what you are saying and where it is coming from and there was a time I kinda sort of acted that out my self. One of the dangers before program was getting angry when I felt my self slighted and disrespected. With time in and working with my sponsor and others in the program I gained further perspectives and was able to use empathy, compassion, and more to allow me to stay more open when I was helping other especially those who might be carrying ill feelings for what ever purpose. When I learned about resentments and how they happen and what they did to my recovery and spiritual growth it caused me to do what is best not to allow them to be part of my personality though I understand that this program isn't one of perfection.
I was raised to "kokua others" to help others and it is a major part of this culture I use spiritually. The consequence of being helpful for me are a great deal better than how I use to try it to fix the alcoholic/addict.
This is a great topic...Mahalo. ((((Hugs))))
Maresie888 said
Jun 28, 2020
I think this issue is beyond being helpful. For me it is about expectations
When my colleague texted me for help. He most certainly expected ne to drop everything.
In my case I expect really very little
However I feel like I have to #give#
Limit setting is a hard one for me hope is a natural thing in relationships. In my case I have a kind of malignant hope that at a certain time I can get to a point where there will be some return. In other words I tolerate the intolerable
Now I wm in the mode where I am examining every relationship past and oresent
Msredie
2HP said
Jun 28, 2020
Transactional relationships are very common, what's in it for me me me...?
People pleasing had a hidden motive and for me, it was usually something like, " I'll do this for you but I want you to love me in return..."
Life in recovery is a process. In the beginning, I definitely had to shore up rigid boundaries for self-protection. The only way for me to become free of my people-pleasing fear was to begin saying No! No more! Enough!!! sometimes with some off-color language... in front of a mirror.... just for practice
When I began making amends to myself (after inventory) what I found is that the universe kept bringing me the same thing over and over, again and again, almost as if to ask,
"Are you sure you're done with this??"
so my ESH is to expect this to happen whenever you attempt to make a change - you may attract the old dynamic for awhile but it actually helps to firm up our resolve.
the boundaries that I set though, are not "forever." For me, they are usually firm in the beginning but soften over time. Intuition (developed by meditation) then becomes the guide going forward. today, I enjoy giving to others without an attachment to outcomes or expectation. Today when I give, it is first and foremost to the Higher Power who loves "purity" in gift-giving.
So GOOD for you (((Maresie))) knowing what you need to do - just for today. Doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result is a definition of insanity. this is just a step in the upward climb to more peace and love and joy and freedom....
"Let it begin with ME"
Maresie888 said
Jun 29, 2020
I am not exactly in the doing things over and over issue. I am still kind to people. I have a measured kindness these days.
I do not put up with situations for ever
I ser boundaries. However I think for now ny entire focus has to be on myself.
I do see some progress. Nevertheless I still have to routinely deal with people who are really nasty. There is an art to that. I am working on it
Maresie
2HP said
Jun 29, 2020
To the extent we see somebody in the universe as "them," we continue along in delusion, stuck in the world of "them." Ultimately, perseverance in the 12 steps will reveal...
we cannot be who we are not. (((peace))) to you and yours
Iamhere said
Jun 29, 2020
I am better than I used to be at 'helping' others. As with most things, I try to keep it really, really simple. If I am asked and I am able, I will always be of service. If I am asked, and I am not able (other commitments, lack of time/energy/etc.), I decline kindly. I have learned to pause and pray before I proceed and I rarely give maybe answers any longer. Maybe gives others the freedom to ASSume what they want to...and rarely does it go well.
I am so grateful that I learned Yes and No are complete sentences. Before recovery, I was a transactional person and always 'kept score' and had 'expectations of even at some point'... The problem with 'this thinking (insanity)' is I ASSumed all others thought like I did and was constantly let down. Today, if I am able to be of service, it's for me - not for repayment, kudos, etc. It's because it feels like the next right thing.
I'm grateful for the growth recovery has given me. I am better at 'this' today than I was yesterday. I also no longer through in a reason - it's just Yes or No.
Bo said
Jun 29, 2020
When I do unreasonable things...for unhealthy people...my life becomes unmanageable.
The other side of that coin...is denial.
Maresie888 said
Jul 1, 2020
I know I.did nothing to invite those unsolicited phone calls.
As COViD 19 is now part of the landscape I have to take additional.steps to mitigate stress in my life
Going out every day is like going inti battle. I have to be extremely careful not to bring further stress into my life
Maresie
Bo said
Jul 1, 2020
Doing the unnecessary, for the ungrateful, makes my life unmanageable.
Iamhere said
Jul 1, 2020
Maresie - I can so relate to the idea that going out is like going into battle. I am so, so grateful for my program and tools. I am trying hard to do my part, stay @ home, mask up, social distance, etc. and not all others are taking this seriously. There is a part of me that really wants to rage and explain that I spent several nights listening to death coughing and the struggle to collect oxygen and it's beyond anything I've heard, experienced or dealt with! Of course, I don't and choose instead to pray for those who fight everything and everyone - must be a really miserable experience.
I have a HS reunion this year that's already been moved from summer to fall. I've not committed and if a response is needed sooner rather than later, it will be a No. The whole trying to still have it feels dangerous, crazy and a bit insane to me yet I can also understand the want from so many others.
Staying on my side of the street, and just practicing what we learn in recovery certainly keeps me more centered. Self-care is so critical for me during this pandemic - saving my sanity and serenity...one day at a time!
Maresie888 said
Jul 1, 2020
I will look.at it like that. Recently I told my.employer I.needed a day off. They ignored me. They ignored ny prior request too. So I.just becane a broken record. They tried to get it that I had to work the date if I did not show up it would be problem.
Now I have to reorganize my.entire schedule i have to keep my eyes on the prize. My prize not anyone elses prize .
Maresie
Bo said
Jul 1, 2020
For me...I looked at WHY was I always getting those calls, requests, asks, etc.? I looked at my part, my role, my contribution. Notice there's no him, her, them, they, the other person, or anything of the like in that entire exercise. I want to get better. I want to get healthy. I look at me.
If I want to lose weight...I won't lose the weight if someone else goes on a diet. LOL.
All the best everyone!
Wolfie55 said
Jul 1, 2020
Great shares. Makes me want to help others even more today than I did yesterday. There will always be those who will place expectations on us because we are members of the fellowship and there will always be some who want us to come to their rescue over and over. To borrow a line from another fellowship I am in, we carry the message, not the mess.
I'm from Canada and our nations birthday is today so its like our fourth of July. I'm working today but not because I'm doing any favors for my boss. They pay me by the hour and I like money. Looking at that statement after I wrote it I wonder why I wrote it. Have a great day Maresie unless you got other plans.
Maresie888 said
Jul 2, 2020
Thank you BO
I am going to use that. Doing the unnecessary for the ungrateful has been my lifestyle.
One way is to get quiet
The saga around COVID 19 is enough
My.apartment complex is a construction zone. They have been drilling and banging on the apartment next to mine all day for weeks.
That being said it is still far more comfortable than the roommate situation which I endured for 4 months
I know when I.stop.#doing# for others they stio calling!!
My plate is over full again i need to take some stuff off the plate
This year has been rewarding but what a journey. What about the #new normal#
Tough going
Maresie
Bo said
Jul 2, 2020
My sponsor used to ask me...Bo, did all of these people in your life get together, have a meeting, didn't invite you, and at the meeting...they collectively decided that all of them were going to ask you to do things for them, help them, support them, do them favors, be there for them, rescue them, solve their problems, and so on...
OR...and here's the alternative Bo...the alternative is...if that meeting did not take place...then...the alternative is...THIS IS ABOUT YOU.
'Nuff said. LOL.
Maresie888 said
Jul 2, 2020
I am aware my energy is limited.
I have some way to go.
Not engaging is the key.
I wil practice being calm.
Maresie
Maresie welcome back to the board with your post. It keyed in me my journey and history in the program and the maturing of my understanding and even learning what that means.
I came to tell everyone how it works while being as dumb as a stick at knowing anything about recovery. I didn't know what that meant because I didn't know about me and the disease I had lived my whole life in. I left the alcoholic/addict wife (3rd and more) at home or where ever and attempted to find other really sick people to fix. My early sponsor told me "I bet if you are quiet and listen closely you can hear God laugh".
My first true helping was making coffee for what became my home group and then listening with and open mind and humility which I learned was "being teachable". I also learned that the first step of being helpful was being asked.
God what a long trip.
Learning to share my ESH honestly on subject also was part of the lesson and then learning that my ESH wasn't always about me cause I had a very very sick Alcoholic/addict wife out there who had serious complaints about me also.
I'm looking forward to reading the post of others on your share cause I continue to want to learn. (((((Hugs)))))
Great shares, everyone!!!! I like to give, but not at my expense...not going to sell me or my needs out to help another...Sounds cold, but I have to draw a line...what CAN I give?? and whats my motive??? anything that hurts me, takes away from me, I ama going to say no....and when it is a text, which so many people seem to be hooked on, (we are losing our real human contact with each other) the sterile cyberspace way of communicating...if a person wants me to help them BAD enough, they can CALL and ASK...but since they text, I CAN stop and think....is this a close relationship?? are they there for me a lot of times??? if I say yes, what is my motive??? I pause, pray, breathe, take my time and ponder b4 I say yes or no.....I LOVE giving and helping, but I put my care and needs first....I will do what I can , make a great effort for those who are really in my close circle but even then, if it is a bad expense to me, I gotta say "NO" and maybe offer alternate solutions for them....
Lyne I know what you are saying and where it is coming from and there was a time I kinda sort of acted that out my self. One of the dangers before program was getting angry when I felt my self slighted and disrespected. With time in and working with my sponsor and others in the program I gained further perspectives and was able to use empathy, compassion, and more to allow me to stay more open when I was helping other especially those who might be carrying ill feelings for what ever purpose. When I learned about resentments and how they happen and what they did to my recovery and spiritual growth it caused me to do what is best not to allow them to be part of my personality though I understand that this program isn't one of perfection.
I was raised to "kokua others" to help others and it is a major part of this culture I use spiritually. The consequence of being helpful for me are a great deal better than how I use to try it to fix the alcoholic/addict.
This is a great topic...Mahalo. ((((Hugs))))
Transactional relationships are very common, what's in it for me me me...?
People pleasing had a hidden motive and for me, it was usually something like, " I'll do this for you but I want you to love me in return..."
Life in recovery is a process. In the beginning, I definitely had to shore up rigid boundaries for self-protection. The only way for me to become free of my people-pleasing fear was to begin saying No! No more! Enough!!! sometimes with some off-color language... in front of a mirror.... just for practice
When I began making amends to myself (after inventory) what I found is that the universe kept bringing me the same thing over and over, again and again, almost as if to ask,
"Are you sure you're done with this??"
so my ESH is to expect this to happen whenever you attempt to make a change - you may attract the old dynamic for awhile but it actually helps to firm up our resolve.
the boundaries that I set though, are not "forever." For me, they are usually firm in the beginning but soften over time. Intuition (developed by meditation) then becomes the guide going forward. today, I enjoy giving to others without an attachment to outcomes or expectation. Today when I give, it is first and foremost to the Higher Power who loves "purity" in gift-giving.
So GOOD for you (((Maresie))) knowing what you need to do - just for today. Doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result is a definition of insanity. this is just a step in the upward climb to more peace and love and joy and freedom....
"Let it begin with ME"
To the extent we see somebody in the universe as "them," we continue along in delusion, stuck in the world of "them." Ultimately, perseverance in the 12 steps will reveal...
we cannot be who we are not. (((peace))) to you and yours
I am so grateful that I learned Yes and No are complete sentences. Before recovery, I was a transactional person and always 'kept score' and had 'expectations of even at some point'... The problem with 'this thinking (insanity)' is I ASSumed all others thought like I did and was constantly let down. Today, if I am able to be of service, it's for me - not for repayment, kudos, etc. It's because it feels like the next right thing.
I'm grateful for the growth recovery has given me. I am better at 'this' today than I was yesterday. I also no longer through in a reason - it's just Yes or No.
The other side of that coin...is denial.
I have a HS reunion this year that's already been moved from summer to fall. I've not committed and if a response is needed sooner rather than later, it will be a No. The whole trying to still have it feels dangerous, crazy and a bit insane to me yet I can also understand the want from so many others.
Staying on my side of the street, and just practicing what we learn in recovery certainly keeps me more centered. Self-care is so critical for me during this pandemic - saving my sanity and serenity...one day at a time!
If I want to lose weight...I won't lose the weight if someone else goes on a diet. LOL.
All the best everyone!
I'm from Canada and our nations birthday is today so its like our fourth of July. I'm working today but not because I'm doing any favors for my boss. They pay me by the hour and I like money. Looking at that statement after I wrote it I wonder why I wrote it. Have a great day Maresie unless you got other plans.
OR...and here's the alternative Bo...the alternative is...if that meeting did not take place...then...the alternative is...THIS IS ABOUT YOU.
'Nuff said. LOL.