Newcomer. Is it a bad idea to move into the house with an alcoholic parent?
Stephylou said
Jun 22, 2020
Hi Everyone,
I guess I will start by summarizing my situation. I am 24 and just graduated with a masters degree. I left the house when I was 17 years old and have financially supported myself since. I currently live 4 hours away from my mother and my home town. My mother has always drank. Throughout my childhood she partied with friends and drank excessively every week or two. These were happy drinking days for her and not out of deep sadness like she is today. The drinking was one of the many reasons my father and mother got a divorce. About 1 year ago my mother lost her new husband of less than 6 month to an unexpected and traumatic heart attack. He was only 45. Their wedding and relationship was very happy and it was a huge blow to the family when he died.
Today my mother is very depressed. After my step father's death, a family friend of theirs moved in to help with the mortgage. The friend has been a long time alcoholic for years. My mother quickly fell into deep depression and heavy drinking. The friend who is now renting a room in her home began a romantic relationship with my mom. He verbally abuses her and drinks heavily. She is in love with him one day, and then calling the cops on him the next. This "friend", whom i have learned to have so much hate for, has driven all of my mothers family and friends away from the house. Nobody will come over because he is there. My mother has tried to commit suicide 2 times that I know of. She calls me late at night and so intoxicated and emotional. I will be on the phone with her for hours and hours with no way of consoling her, she is too drunk to even remember what I said to her. I am too far away drive to know how much danger she is in.
Talking with her on the phone when she is begging to end her life tears me apart inside. There are no words for the fear and pain in those moments.
When these conversations happen with her, I am always crying and exhausted after. It is exhausting trying to convince your mother that you are worth living for. We talk when she is sober and she regrets drinking and regrets dating the guy who rents to her. But then the next day she is madly in love with him, they get drunk together, and then they fight and break things and physically hurt each other. And they are hurting me.
She tried to leave him recently (like she does just about every other week), and then he tried to commit suicide in response. This makes her worry and care for him and sucks her right back in.
I just had my first meeting about an hour ago on Zoom. I have so many thoughts running through my head. I learned tonight that many people come to Al-Anon with the hopes of getting resources for helping to cure the alcoholic in their life. I too started the today on a fact finding mission for how to be the very best supporter and healer to my mother. I want so desperately to take her pain away. I know that I cannot fix, cure, or save her. But not doing anything feels like the deepest betrayal.
I have considered moving in with her for a little while to keep her safe or asking her to come live with me. That way I could rent the room that horrible man is renting and she wont have to worry about the money. I am now realizing as I read on this site and the meeting I attended today that perhaps moving in is the wrong move.
How do I do nothing, when it feels like nothing leads to loosing my mother to suicide or liver failure? I am so fearful of loosing my mother and not having done everything in my physical power to save her.
This post was longer than I expected. Thank you for considering my experience. I feel like I am in deep water. I am going to keep coming back to meetings.
Lyne said
Jun 23, 2020
Stephylou-Whether you decide to live with your mom or not, and that is your decision to make, like the rest of us here, you have been deeply hurt by alcoholism on many levels. The best advice I can give you is to attend as many meetings as you can, let this board be one of your helping tools, and a sponsor wouldnt hurt. We cannot control our alcoholics, but we can heal and get stronger. I think you need the healing and getting stronger part at this moment in time. Keep coming back, Lyne
Bo said
Jun 23, 2020
Stephylou -- welcome. Your question is a very interesting one, both situationally, and also philosophically as it is thought-provoking. That said, how does that relate to you? You are "in it" and you are not sure what to do.
Very often, when we are faced with having a loved who has the disease of alcoholism/addiction, we face dilemas. What should we do? How much should we do? And much more. We are faced with decisions. However, even before coming into the rooms of alanon (conference approved, official alanon meetings), the overwhelming occurrence, or feeling is that -- we have a loved one who is in trouble, so we have to do something. We have to help. We have to leap into action and help. That's natural. It's human nature.
The question becomes how do we help. More often than not -- the helping we are doing is hurting. When newcomers/beginners come into the rooms of face to face alanon meetings, they soon learn that a great deal of what they had been doing is really not helping the alcoholic/addict, but actually hurting them, or enabling them, or contributing to the situation, or perpetuating the situation, etc. That being the case, that's a discussion for another time. However, as you expressed, you attended your first alanon meeting (via Zoom) -- and you learned that many people do in fact come to alanon with the hopes of learning how to cure the alcoholic in their life. This is very common. I know I did. You did as well. As you said, you started the day on a "fact finding mission" -- and in your words, to not just be the "very best supporter" but also "healer." It's natural to want to take her pain away. Anyone would want to do that for their mother. But then you find out, intellectually at a minimum, that you did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it, nor can you fix, or save her. Couple that with the conflict of -- you not doing anything makes you feel bad, and it "feels like the deepest betrayal" as you call it. There is just one disconnect, one conflict, that so many of us struggle with. It is very common. Join the club! LOL.
Much of what we hear and learn in the early meetings we attend is counterintuitive, even opposite, of what we've been doing and thinking. However, the reason, in part is because it is counterintuitive. There is a different mindset, philosophy, belief system, approach, etc. In addition, from the core -- the first basic element of alanon -- alanon is NOT about curing or fixing the alcoholic. Thus, the disconnect is obvious and progressive. Simply put, you walk into a meeting to cure the alcoholic, they tell you that you can't, thus, anything they tell you is not what you really wanted to hear, and then couple that with what they tell you is opposite of what you've been thinking and doing. Not easy.
Is you moving in the solution? Well, it might eliminate the situation of having that guy in her house. However, she can still see him and maintain the romantic relationship. Also however, she is still drinking. On the other hand, it might be "safer" for her, at least initially. Is asking her to come live with you the solution? Well, again, it gets her away from him. OK, that's a good thing. But she will only move in with you if she wants to. In addition, now you have a dysfunctional person, an unhealthy person, an alcoholic, living with you! Whew, just thinking about that brings back memories for me and sent a chill down my spine.
There may not be a right answer here. And most important, doing nothing may not be the right answer either. I once had a therapist tell me, if your wife wants to commit suicide, there is nothing you can do about it. I didn't accept that. He was right. She tried to commit suicide anyway, and I couldn't stop it. I virtually spent 24/7 with her and she still did it. Your mother will commit suicide if she really wants to -- whether she is living in her house, with or without the guy, or your house.
With or without alanon, you will do what you feel you need to and have to do. And that's OK, it's more than OK. That is what's right for you.
So, what is the answer for you. Well, I will share with you my experience and what has worked for me. One, go to meetings, official, conference approved, alanon meetings. Yes, there are countless meetings today all over the world meeting via zoom (virtually, on the web). Go to as many and as often as you can. Share, listen, get it out there. Talk to people before and after the meeting. Often, people stick around in the zoom room after the meeting for fellowship, to chat, to further ask and answer questions. Two, get the two daily readers -- Courage To Change and One Day At A Time. Start reading them, every day. Three, find a sponsor, and start doing the work. Immerse yourself in the alanon program, embrace learning, embrace making change -- change in your thinking, actions, reactions, behaviors, etc. No, they are not going to teach you to "ignore" and "do nothing" in a cold and punitive way. But sometimes, in certain situations, doing nothing might be the right and healthiest thing to do, not just for YOU, but for the alcoholic as well. They of course won't see it that way, but that's OK. Unless you are doing exactly what the alcoholic wants you to do, they are going to be angry at you. I have often said, if the alcoholic is angry at you, then you are probably doing something right!
If you begin to focus on YOU, and start to learn what you need to do in order to get better, in order to get healthy, by default, you will be in a better position to "help" the alcoholic. However, that "help" -- today may not sound like help to you, and also will not necessarily be "help" in the eyes of the alcoholic.
Keep going to alanon zoom meetings. As often and as many as you can. Start working the program. You can and will get better. All the best.
Iamhere said
Jun 23, 2020
StephyLou - welcome to MIP! So glad you found us and so glad that you shared. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and there truly is no cure. The only effective treatment is abstinence and the only person who can decide this is the one consuming. Alcoholism is also considered a family disease which just means most who live with or love an alcoholic are affected. Clearly, some more than others.
If you continue with Al-Anon, you will learn that we don't offer opinions, advice or direction - instead we share our own ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) in that our shares might help another find a solution that works for their situation. I am very happy for you that you have already attended a zoom meeting - with the pandemic, many are struggling more than usual -- limited meetings, hard to find a sponsor, etc. So - good for you that you found and attended a zoom meeting!
I will share that the official Al-Anon website has tons of information regarding our steps, traditions, suggestions and tools. One that popped into my head was we do suggest to newcomers they avoid major life decisions for at least 6 months, a year if possible. My understanding is this is 'so' one can find some centering to make informed decisions vs. emotionally charged ones.
My mother is an active alcoholic, 85 years old, my father is her care-taker. She's also been diagnosed with dementia. If my father were to pass first, she wants to return to my state vs. where they retired to. Her sisters are here as well as extended family. What she knows is she is welcome to live in my home, but no alcohol is allowed. It's a boundary that applies across the board, not just to her and she's well aware.
I am so, so sorry for the entangled web you find yourself in. It's so very difficult to watch those we love be consumed by this disease. I have found that the more I focus on me and getting myself centered, healthy and balanced, the better equipped I am to deal with life on life's terms. I have this disease all around me, kids, husband, mother and more and am pleased to share that Al-Anon has given me all the tools I need to heal myself and deal with things as they happen.
We have mental health issues mixed in too and no matter how much I care and want to help or save another, I do not play with threats of suicide or homicide. I know my states rules/laws, and do use them as this is well beyond my human experience. Please keep coming back - you are not alone and there is hope and help in recovery!
Maresie888 said
Jun 23, 2020
StephyLou
One thing you do not mention is what your goals were before this cane along
I lost all.my goals somewhere down the line. I did get overinvolved with others all the time. Their beeds suoerseded by needs.
I had to come to.al.anon to get sone balance. Recently I was staying with a friend who is sn alcoholic. He lives in chaos. I found it extremeky draining.
There are ways this nan can go without you having to move in there. A restraing order is one of them. There are many ootions which do not necessarily invimce the kind of total commitment you are looking at
I had the misfortine to stay with ny frorbd from.mid January through May. It was truly exhausting. I was sick during that tine. I have stayed with ny friend in the past.
I had no idea what I was going into. My frienf had let his house fall into considerabke disreoair. His roof is a out to fall in. The place was an absolute nightnare as was his behavior
You are overwhelmed with your mither-s ossues right now. When you are in there and there is no respute getting adequare rest is a big issue
Staying with my friend had put me back for the entire year.. The emotional fall out was immense. The stress of staying there was immense and dramatically affected ny health. I regret staying with him immenseky. I have to say I alsi regret deeply haviing no.chouce but to continue staying there. There were some issues thar worked but overall it was a tremendous disaster for me. The repercussions were trenendous.
Mary Dowd
.
Hi Everyone,
I guess I will start by summarizing my situation. I am 24 and just graduated with a masters degree. I left the house when I was 17 years old and have financially supported myself since. I currently live 4 hours away from my mother and my home town. My mother has always drank. Throughout my childhood she partied with friends and drank excessively every week or two. These were happy drinking days for her and not out of deep sadness like she is today. The drinking was one of the many reasons my father and mother got a divorce. About 1 year ago my mother lost her new husband of less than 6 month to an unexpected and traumatic heart attack. He was only 45. Their wedding and relationship was very happy and it was a huge blow to the family when he died.
Today my mother is very depressed. After my step father's death, a family friend of theirs moved in to help with the mortgage. The friend has been a long time alcoholic for years. My mother quickly fell into deep depression and heavy drinking. The friend who is now renting a room in her home began a romantic relationship with my mom. He verbally abuses her and drinks heavily. She is in love with him one day, and then calling the cops on him the next. This "friend", whom i have learned to have so much hate for, has driven all of my mothers family and friends away from the house. Nobody will come over because he is there. My mother has tried to commit suicide 2 times that I know of. She calls me late at night and so intoxicated and emotional. I will be on the phone with her for hours and hours with no way of consoling her, she is too drunk to even remember what I said to her. I am too far away drive to know how much danger she is in.
Talking with her on the phone when she is begging to end her life tears me apart inside. There are no words for the fear and pain in those moments.
When these conversations happen with her, I am always crying and exhausted after. It is exhausting trying to convince your mother that you are worth living for. We talk when she is sober and she regrets drinking and regrets dating the guy who rents to her. But then the next day she is madly in love with him, they get drunk together, and then they fight and break things and physically hurt each other. And they are hurting me.
She tried to leave him recently (like she does just about every other week), and then he tried to commit suicide in response. This makes her worry and care for him and sucks her right back in.
I just had my first meeting about an hour ago on Zoom. I have so many thoughts running through my head. I learned tonight that many people come to Al-Anon with the hopes of getting resources for helping to cure the alcoholic in their life. I too started the today on a fact finding mission for how to be the very best supporter and healer to my mother. I want so desperately to take her pain away. I know that I cannot fix, cure, or save her. But not doing anything feels like the deepest betrayal.
I have considered moving in with her for a little while to keep her safe or asking her to come live with me. That way I could rent the room that horrible man is renting and she wont have to worry about the money. I am now realizing as I read on this site and the meeting I attended today that perhaps moving in is the wrong move.
How do I do nothing, when it feels like nothing leads to loosing my mother to suicide or liver failure? I am so fearful of loosing my mother and not having done everything in my physical power to save her.
This post was longer than I expected. Thank you for considering my experience. I feel like I am in deep water. I am going to keep coming back to meetings.
Very often, when we are faced with having a loved who has the disease of alcoholism/addiction, we face dilemas. What should we do? How much should we do? And much more. We are faced with decisions. However, even before coming into the rooms of alanon (conference approved, official alanon meetings), the overwhelming occurrence, or feeling is that -- we have a loved one who is in trouble, so we have to do something. We have to help. We have to leap into action and help. That's natural. It's human nature.
The question becomes how do we help. More often than not -- the helping we are doing is hurting. When newcomers/beginners come into the rooms of face to face alanon meetings, they soon learn that a great deal of what they had been doing is really not helping the alcoholic/addict, but actually hurting them, or enabling them, or contributing to the situation, or perpetuating the situation, etc. That being the case, that's a discussion for another time. However, as you expressed, you attended your first alanon meeting (via Zoom) -- and you learned that many people do in fact come to alanon with the hopes of learning how to cure the alcoholic in their life. This is very common. I know I did. You did as well. As you said, you started the day on a "fact finding mission" -- and in your words, to not just be the "very best supporter" but also "healer." It's natural to want to take her pain away. Anyone would want to do that for their mother. But then you find out, intellectually at a minimum, that you did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it, nor can you fix, or save her. Couple that with the conflict of -- you not doing anything makes you feel bad, and it "feels like the deepest betrayal" as you call it. There is just one disconnect, one conflict, that so many of us struggle with. It is very common. Join the club! LOL.
Much of what we hear and learn in the early meetings we attend is counterintuitive, even opposite, of what we've been doing and thinking. However, the reason, in part is because it is counterintuitive. There is a different mindset, philosophy, belief system, approach, etc. In addition, from the core -- the first basic element of alanon -- alanon is NOT about curing or fixing the alcoholic. Thus, the disconnect is obvious and progressive. Simply put, you walk into a meeting to cure the alcoholic, they tell you that you can't, thus, anything they tell you is not what you really wanted to hear, and then couple that with what they tell you is opposite of what you've been thinking and doing. Not easy.
Is you moving in the solution? Well, it might eliminate the situation of having that guy in her house. However, she can still see him and maintain the romantic relationship. Also however, she is still drinking. On the other hand, it might be "safer" for her, at least initially. Is asking her to come live with you the solution? Well, again, it gets her away from him. OK, that's a good thing. But she will only move in with you if she wants to. In addition, now you have a dysfunctional person, an unhealthy person, an alcoholic, living with you! Whew, just thinking about that brings back memories for me and sent a chill down my spine.
There may not be a right answer here. And most important, doing nothing may not be the right answer either. I once had a therapist tell me, if your wife wants to commit suicide, there is nothing you can do about it. I didn't accept that. He was right. She tried to commit suicide anyway, and I couldn't stop it. I virtually spent 24/7 with her and she still did it. Your mother will commit suicide if she really wants to -- whether she is living in her house, with or without the guy, or your house.
With or without alanon, you will do what you feel you need to and have to do. And that's OK, it's more than OK. That is what's right for you.
So, what is the answer for you. Well, I will share with you my experience and what has worked for me. One, go to meetings, official, conference approved, alanon meetings. Yes, there are countless meetings today all over the world meeting via zoom (virtually, on the web). Go to as many and as often as you can. Share, listen, get it out there. Talk to people before and after the meeting. Often, people stick around in the zoom room after the meeting for fellowship, to chat, to further ask and answer questions. Two, get the two daily readers -- Courage To Change and One Day At A Time. Start reading them, every day. Three, find a sponsor, and start doing the work. Immerse yourself in the alanon program, embrace learning, embrace making change -- change in your thinking, actions, reactions, behaviors, etc. No, they are not going to teach you to "ignore" and "do nothing" in a cold and punitive way. But sometimes, in certain situations, doing nothing might be the right and healthiest thing to do, not just for YOU, but for the alcoholic as well. They of course won't see it that way, but that's OK. Unless you are doing exactly what the alcoholic wants you to do, they are going to be angry at you. I have often said, if the alcoholic is angry at you, then you are probably doing something right!
If you begin to focus on YOU, and start to learn what you need to do in order to get better, in order to get healthy, by default, you will be in a better position to "help" the alcoholic. However, that "help" -- today may not sound like help to you, and also will not necessarily be "help" in the eyes of the alcoholic.
Keep going to alanon zoom meetings. As often and as many as you can. Start working the program. You can and will get better. All the best.
If you continue with Al-Anon, you will learn that we don't offer opinions, advice or direction - instead we share our own ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) in that our shares might help another find a solution that works for their situation. I am very happy for you that you have already attended a zoom meeting - with the pandemic, many are struggling more than usual -- limited meetings, hard to find a sponsor, etc. So - good for you that you found and attended a zoom meeting!
I will share that the official Al-Anon website has tons of information regarding our steps, traditions, suggestions and tools. One that popped into my head was we do suggest to newcomers they avoid major life decisions for at least 6 months, a year if possible. My understanding is this is 'so' one can find some centering to make informed decisions vs. emotionally charged ones.
My mother is an active alcoholic, 85 years old, my father is her care-taker. She's also been diagnosed with dementia. If my father were to pass first, she wants to return to my state vs. where they retired to. Her sisters are here as well as extended family. What she knows is she is welcome to live in my home, but no alcohol is allowed. It's a boundary that applies across the board, not just to her and she's well aware.
I am so, so sorry for the entangled web you find yourself in. It's so very difficult to watch those we love be consumed by this disease. I have found that the more I focus on me and getting myself centered, healthy and balanced, the better equipped I am to deal with life on life's terms. I have this disease all around me, kids, husband, mother and more and am pleased to share that Al-Anon has given me all the tools I need to heal myself and deal with things as they happen.
We have mental health issues mixed in too and no matter how much I care and want to help or save another, I do not play with threats of suicide or homicide. I know my states rules/laws, and do use them as this is well beyond my human experience. Please keep coming back - you are not alone and there is hope and help in recovery!