Hey there, hoping to get some helpful feedback around how to approach my sister considering the circumstances described below. Usually, I'd ask my older brother, who has 15+ years sobriety, but I don't want to compromise what my sister shares in confidence to me. Appreciate anyone with helpful recommendations around how to talk with my sister about my concerns! 

The scenario is: My sister recently completed a 90 day treatment program for alcoholism. She checked herself in voluntary and successfully completed 30 days in-patient followed by 60 days out-patient. The program was welcomed by all of us in the family and it was long overdue. For the last five years, her drinking had gotten so bad that she was hiding it while drinking at work and she would have to get up in the middle of the night to have a drink to be able to fall back asleep. After a significant health scare directly related to her drinking, she made the brave choice to check herself into rehab. She has two children around 10 years old and a dedicated husband, who is also an alcoholic but has been supportive of her sobriety and for the most part has stopped drinking himself. 

Her transformation has been phenomenal in such a short time. She's clear headed, optimistic and doing some great work with her therapist. We got the old "her" back! 

This morning, though, she casually let me know that she had a drink recently. She rationalized it around not wanting to feel "shame" for being unable to have "just one" and said she felt good about having only one drink. She said she's reading a book that alcoholism is really just a mindset and she wants to have the right frame of mind that would allow her to drink in moderation eventually. 

She and I are extremely close and she shares more with me than anyone else. We love each other very much and have been supportive of each other throughout our entire lives. But she is very sensitive about criticism and one of the ways I've been able to enjoy her confidence and openness is I rarely offer critical feedback because she tends to get defensive and shut down. I figure it's better to say nothing to at least keep the communication going, and fortunately that enabled her to open up about her drinking during the worst of it and we were able to talk through things in a way that eventually led her to decide to enter rehab on her own. 

That being said, I am SUPER concerned about this development. "Just one" will inevitably lead to "a couple" and before you know it she'll be back to being in a bad way. I'm not even opposed to the idea of her eventually getting to a place where she can truly have just a couple drinks, but after 20 years of her abusing alcohol my sense is that she's more than simply 90 days away from being in a healthy relationship towards alcohol. 

The problem is, I don't know how to express this concern to her in a way that doesn't come across "critical". So I haven't said anything. Additionally concerning is that our mom, who is an extreme narcissist and was a major trigger for my sister's drinking, is moving in a couple months to my sister's town to be closer to the grand kids. I'm very nervous that my sister will start drinking heavily again if she's already having "just one" as soon as my mom and all her chaos and baggage are back in the immediate picture. (My sister literally moved across the country last year to be further from my mom.)

Would very much appreciate insight from others who have been through this scenario. Thank you! 

Hi Freetime, 

Thank you SO much for the thoughtful response. What an important reminder that her recovery belongs to her and my responsibility is to myself. I guess I got so encouraged and caught up in her recovery that the thought of it slipping made me very nervous, but it's not for me to dictate her journey. I truly appreciate the reminder. 

SD just one of the recovery truths that came to me and anchored itself in my mind and understanding is the 1st step of our 12.  It was and is a truth without question.  I was and am powerless over this mind and mood altering disease and unmanageability certainly results

from trying to have control over it looking to get my own way.  

My alcoholic addict ex-wife entered clinical recovery with a bag over her head and when asked why she was doing it that way responded that if she did not allow herself to be blindly led thru recovery she would not make it.  She was correct, as thru time I became a Behavioral Health Therapist working in the same system and watched what happened to alcoholic/addicts who attempted to figure it out their own way.  The alcohol was more cunning, powerful and baffling.

Keep coming back to this fellowship and trust for your own recovery from the affects of this disease.

(((Hugs)))   

Hi SDTerrance...welcome...I am sorry that you are going through this difficult time with your sister now. Know two things however, one being good news, the other being news you may not want to hear...First, know that many people here, and very many people you will meet in going to face to face (now meeting via zoom) alanon meetings, have gone through exactly what you are going through. If you go to zoom alanon meetings, you will meet many people who have seen what you are seeing, have felt what you are feeling, and have gone through what you are going through...and they have done it successfully!!! That's the good news, and that should offer you some comfort. I hope it does.

Second, and this is the part you may not want to hear...and that is...alcoholism is a very unique, baffling, insidious, cunning, confusing, enigmatic, and progressive disease. What does that mean to you? What it means, unfortunately, is that the alcoholic will not quit drinking and certainly will not seek, find, and live a life of recovery...UNLESS and UNTIL THEY WANT TO. Not you, me, us, nobody. They have to want it. Hence, there lies part of the dynamic...and OUR disease. We want it! Sometimes we beg, plead, threaten, try to convince, persuade, badger, prove, and who knows what else -- we try and get them to see what they are doing to themselves, to us, to their loved ones. We try and convince them, we try anything and everything we can. We didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we cannot cure it.

My wife has a long history of rehabs, 30 days and long-term, IOP (intensive outpatient), OP, counselling, therapy, and so on. You name, been there, had several cups of coffee, done that, and came home! LOL. Countless times, after all of these, my wife, and many alcoholics, don't find sobriety. People can talk about relapse all they want, but the bottom line...either the alcoholic drank, or they didn't. There is no vagueness or ambiguity. My wife -- for close to 20 years -- lived and preached that she could very simply "just have" a drink, perhaps, rarely, two, but that was it and that was fine. Great. That's common. Most people do that. I do that. Maybe you do. But, the alcoholic simply cannot. We can analyze, discuss, try to rationalize, and go on and on and on -- and the more we try and figure why, why they do, say, think, any of it -- the more we try and figure any of that (about the alcoholic) out...the more we drive ourselves crazy!

Often, we get complacent when we get the old "person" back -- but complacency doesn't change the fact, either they are clean and sober, or they aren't. If they aren't, we either live in denial, or we focus on ourselves and what we need to do for us to be OK, for us to get better, and for us to get healthy.

So, she let you know she drank. Got it. Of course she rationalized not wanting to feel "shame" for being unable to have "just one" -- and she may rationalize anything and everything that has to do with her doing anything other than being completely clean and sober. That's what alcoholics do. My wife is IVY league educated, has a Masters degree, was a Rhodes scholar, and was the CFO of a multi-hundred million dollar corporation. It was a stress-free, easy, and wonderful job. She was a member of MENSA, and helped change corporate accounting principles, laws, etc. Top of the game. All she did for 20 years was intelligently, rationally, and very convincingly rationalize that she could "just have one" -- and there is the disease! She too said having just one, or two, and yes, even alcoholism, was nothing more than a mindset, a control exercise, a frame of mind, and so on and so on. Right. Good luck with that. Denial. Nothing more nothing less, and simply it is all the evidence an alcoholic needs to do what they really want to do...drink. It might be drink, or it might be not "not drinking for the rest of my life" -- but it doesn't matter. Either you are clean and sober, or you aren't. Period.

If you think she is sensitive about criticism -- wait until you approach her about drinking. Sure, the initial conversation about you calmly expressing your concerns, sure, that works all well and good...inside your head and here on a BB, chat room, etc. Even if the conversation goes well...if she is drinking...then the conversation will not just be the one conversation and done. It will be again, and again, and again. That said, you can absolutely approach her and have that conversation. In part, because you want to. Yes, for now, it certainly can be better to say nothing to at least keep the communication going. However, this is a progressive disease. It may get to a point where that doesn't work for you any longer. I for one hope it doesn't get to that point. However, she decided to go to rehab...and she decided to drink. Not you. Her.

Be that as it may, yes, I get you are "SUPER concerned about this development." Yes, "just one" for an alcoholic is never just one. You may not even be opposed to the idea of her eventually getting to a place where she can truly have just a couple drinks, but in all likelihood, that just may not be possible. You said she's abused alcohol for 20 years...so, it's possible she can get to a place of having just one or two, but it's not probably. Possible, not probable.

No one here can tell you how to express that concern to her. You know here. Nobody here does. The self-proclaimed experts will make "suggestions" -- but that and $5 gets you a fancy coffee at Starbucks. You know her better than anyone. You have to try and navigate that conversation and the relationship...if you want to. You can also let it go and see how this plays out. The alcoholic has to figure it out on their own, and they have to feel the consequences of their own actions, and then, they can hit rock bottom and hopefully will want to get clean and sober. She's not there. I know that...because she's drinking. Even one or two.

In alanon, one of the things we learn is to check your motives -- are you trying to fix, control, sway, influence, prove, be right, and so on. We also learn to detach, emotionally, physically, and let the alcoholic "decide" on their own, figure out on their own, WITHOUT your influence. There is no right or wrong as to whether or not you have the conversation with her. Only you can decide that. But what alanon does teach -- not right or wrong -- is what is healthy and unhealthy, for YOU, what is sound, stable, etc., for YOU, and what can lead you to having some peace and serenity...whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. That sounds crazy, but it's part of what alanon can do. You can be OK, happy, and healthy, whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. Yes, it's sad if they are drinking. But the sadness will not consume you and ruin your life. It might make you angry or frustrated, but that won't consume you and cause you to start trying to fix it, control it, and so on.

While I was in a similar situation as you are...what I learned from my experience in alanon over the course of many years...is that...it wasn't about how to have a certain conversation and express a concern to my wife...it was about who I was "being" and what I needed to do in order to get better, and get healthy...regardless of whether my wife was drinking or not.

All the best!