I had an a-ha moment the other day where I was finally able to recognize attempted manipulation.
An old acquaintance of mine has decided they want to get in touch with me. This is someone whom I really don't care for and I'm honestly not interested in re-kindling a relationship of any kind with them. They were manipulative, selfish, and deceitful in the past and I don't really care to have that back in my life. They apparently found me on social media at one point and sent me a private message on that platform saying "Hey, this is so-and-so. Please call me."
Seems like a harmless thing to ask - but I immediately felt discomfort arise and I had to sit on it for a day or two to recognize why I had the discomfort - it was because I was being told to do something by someone with a history of manipulative behaviors... even if "please" was in front of it. This person has my phone number - it hasn't changed at all. If they want to get in touch they can call me and I can then choose to answer or not, and if it's important they get to leave a message.
Let me clarify here, too, that this doesn't mean any request by anyone to "please call" them is an immediate attempt at manipulation. But THIS person - this is how this person always behaves. YOU jump at their command, because that's what they do to and how they treat everyone. This certainly triggers memories of my ex alcoholic for me, as of course he was also selfish and manipulative and all his manipulating started out the same way... "please" do this eventually became "you have to" do this - as though I was not allowed a choice in the matter.
I'm happy I can recognize this isn't a black and white issue with everyone, too. As I said - if another acquaintance of mine who has no such history of manipulative behavior asked me to call them, of course I would.
I'm thankful Al-Anon gives the the ability to pause and make choices around whether or not I want to get in touch with someone. This harkens back to my old people-pleasing behaviors, as well. I used to go ahead and answer because I didn't want to be rude or have the person's feelings get hurt. Not now - life's too short for me to try to appease everyone, especially to spend a lot of energy on those who've been toxic and draining to me.
Here's a quote that I enjoy... it's perhaps a bit extreme, but I really do need to remember it when it comes to my trying to please others just because I want to be liked.
If you care about what others think of you, then you will always be their slave. James Frey
Maresie888 said
Jun 18, 2020
I recently had a text from the ex qualifier. I.have not spoken to him in years. That is almost a decade. I have no.doubt he us back in the local area i am in
I did not answer. I.did not speculate either
I did not even hesitate to delete the text
I have had to deal with manipulation a great deal in my life. My ex roommate is extraordinarily manipulative. He is also someone I have to deal with at the moment. Admittedly I di not have to deal with him every day. Nevertheless like most dysfunctional relationships I have to find a way around it. I am much much much better at dealing with certain issues. I have boundaries now. I am so grateful to have boundaries
I have options. Nevertheless as one of my former work colleagues said I have to be particularly vigilant about my boundaries. That is to patrol them all the time.
For me it is not an option to deal with someone who is dysfinctional unless I absolutely HAVE to. There is no negotiation about that anymore. Unfortunately for me this Covid situation has put the normal stress of life completely over the top.
Maresie
Iamhere said
Jun 18, 2020
Lovely share and use of tools....I am a huge fan of Pausing and Praying before I Proceed! It's saved my sanity and serenity countless times, over and over again. Keep doing what you're doing - looks awesome on you!
Maresie888 said
Jun 18, 2020
James Frey is not a goid person ro quote from. His account of addiction is fabricated. I hace no doubt he is an addict
However his best seller was a complete fabrication which managed to snow everyone The fact he managed to manipulate everyone including Oprah shows how resourceful certain addicts are
Certainly manioulative addicts really do nit care what people think.of them. In fact they feel entitled to every thing..
I certainly have my boundaries these days. I have red flags. I have bottom lines. Those were not around when I was with my qualifier. I have a lid that says enough.
Thank you so much for talking about your boundaries. It is so important to talk about them. Boundaries are really important to me. Very very important. When I wss with my qualifier I was a door mat. Now I am not available to be walked on
Bo said
Jun 19, 2020
Perfect example of why I like in official, conference approved, WSO, real deal alanon meetings -- they only use, share, speak to, from, etc., WSO/conference approved literature.
That said, being that I found recovery, and I now live a life of recovery...manipulation is very simple to identify. It is very transparent, obvious, very easy to see. For me, either it is or it isn't. I am sure plenty of people will say pray, say the serenity prayer, whatever. Hey, that's great. Whatever works for you. But, if it doesn't...then keep trying. Find what does work. For me, it's easy. I don't accept unacceptable behavior. Manipulation is unacceptable behavior. I have boundaries. I stand by them. I honor them. When it comes to unacceptable behavior, manipulation, my boundaries are not flexible. They are not new, so I don't have to try them out, LOL. I act and react accordingly. But within the context of my boundaries. The content might be different, but the context is the same!!!
Aloha, I am glad you had an AH-HA moment!
Maresie888 said
Jun 19, 2020
Well i think in manipulation the key is to be able to detach. When the qualifier manioulated I was too busy to see the wood from the trees. I was too busy in over reacting. In other words I was way too reactive.
Two weeks ago the manager of the building tried to get me to react. I did not say a thing. I had my own time sounding off to a friend of mine. The manager tried to get a rise outta me. Nice work
I may have a little bit of program under my belt. Nevertheless I have to monitor my boundaries fiercely. My boundaries are my pressure thermostat. Too hot. Too cold.
This Covid 19 issue causes immense bv stress everywhere. What's more it is not going to change for a while. Even more boundaries
I might want to think I can roll with things.
I am human. I have to work incredibly hard to reign myself in. This COVID 19 issue makes it even harder to keep the lid on things.
Maresie
I had an a-ha moment the other day where I was finally able to recognize attempted manipulation.
An old acquaintance of mine has decided they want to get in touch with me. This is someone whom I really don't care for and I'm honestly not interested in re-kindling a relationship of any kind with them. They were manipulative, selfish, and deceitful in the past and I don't really care to have that back in my life. They apparently found me on social media at one point and sent me a private message on that platform saying "Hey, this is so-and-so. Please call me."
Seems like a harmless thing to ask - but I immediately felt discomfort arise and I had to sit on it for a day or two to recognize why I had the discomfort - it was because I was being told to do something by someone with a history of manipulative behaviors... even if "please" was in front of it. This person has my phone number - it hasn't changed at all. If they want to get in touch they can call me and I can then choose to answer or not, and if it's important they get to leave a message.
Let me clarify here, too, that this doesn't mean any request by anyone to "please call" them is an immediate attempt at manipulation. But THIS person - this is how this person always behaves. YOU jump at their command, because that's what they do to and how they treat everyone. This certainly triggers memories of my ex alcoholic for me, as of course he was also selfish and manipulative and all his manipulating started out the same way... "please" do this eventually became "you have to" do this - as though I was not allowed a choice in the matter.
I'm happy I can recognize this isn't a black and white issue with everyone, too. As I said - if another acquaintance of mine who has no such history of manipulative behavior asked me to call them, of course I would.
I'm thankful Al-Anon gives the the ability to pause and make choices around whether or not I want to get in touch with someone. This harkens back to my old people-pleasing behaviors, as well. I used to go ahead and answer because I didn't want to be rude or have the person's feelings get hurt. Not now - life's too short for me to try to appease everyone, especially to spend a lot of energy on those who've been toxic and draining to me.
Here's a quote that I enjoy... it's perhaps a bit extreme, but I really do need to remember it when it comes to my trying to please others just because I want to be liked.
If you care about what others think of you, then you will always be their slave. James Frey
That said, being that I found recovery, and I now live a life of recovery...manipulation is very simple to identify. It is very transparent, obvious, very easy to see. For me, either it is or it isn't. I am sure plenty of people will say pray, say the serenity prayer, whatever. Hey, that's great. Whatever works for you. But, if it doesn't...then keep trying. Find what does work. For me, it's easy. I don't accept unacceptable behavior. Manipulation is unacceptable behavior. I have boundaries. I stand by them. I honor them. When it comes to unacceptable behavior, manipulation, my boundaries are not flexible. They are not new, so I don't have to try them out, LOL. I act and react accordingly. But within the context of my boundaries. The content might be different, but the context is the same!!!
Aloha, I am glad you had an AH-HA moment!