Today has been a rough day. I had a zoom meeting that was to last an hour long. I had to log out half way and say my internet was not working because in the middle of my zoom meeting the alcoholic in my life through a fit. I was embarrassed and just disconnected. I got very upset but held it in. After about 20 min I got off zoom he passed out. He drinks all night and sleeps all day. I try to stay quiet so that I do not wake him. But since I was talking on zoom he woke up. I feel awful that I couldn't finish my work meeting. After he fell asleep I waited an hour then got back online to work. At around 5 I wanted to take a nap but he got mad at me saying he was going to make dinner for us and now all I wanted was to nap. I get up at 6 a.m. to shower and make my coffee, at 7 get online to get to work. He usually passes out between 5-6 a.m. Tonight he threw a fit because I wasn't hungry. His sleep hours are erratic and I never know when he will be awake. He has been saying he wanted to make dinner since Saturday today is Wednesday already. All the arguing wore me out. I am laying in bed pretending to be asleep so that he will stay in the living room and leave me alone. I feel like I'm at my wit's end and I feel crazy. I hate feeling this way. I am taking it one hour at a time.

Dragonfly - so, so sorry to hear about the disruptions to your day. I can relate to the 'hiding' in the BR in the hopes of getting a break from the insanity. I can also relate to feeling embarrassed by the witnessed outbursts of my A(s). It's not a good feeling or a good place to be! I also was blessed to have a sponsor who was able to help me look at what was real, what was not, what I did/did not do, what worked, what might work next time, etc. There's no perfect way to deal with active alcoholism. I do know that when I felt suffocated, I would take a break. I would go to a meeting, to the store, to the bathroom, to the laundry room, take a walk, etc. - I was willing to physically remove myself if necessary to try and break the patterns in my own thinking and/or in the patterns of the dance inside the home.

My sponsor suggested I make a list of what I could do instead of just 'be here'. I started with the list and added to it and discovered that I could make a choice, with no advance notice, to go for a walk. And I did. I slowly, kindly, quietly, took back my power that the disease had taken from me. Little by little, hour by hour, minute by minute, one day at a time.

Breathe and rest and consider one/two small things you can do just for you tomorrow and do them! Keep coming back! (((Hugs)))

((((((Dragonfly))))))

You have received some good ESH... I am sorry that you are dealing with the Insanity of this Disease. I have felt what you are feeling, you are not alone. What I found "sad" was that the alcoholic could never really fathom the level of disturbance to their loved ones... once sober/recovered they could hear the stories, but the disconnect is there, b/c they never remember/feel their actions!!

Sending you support!

My qualifier was particularly disruptive to my work schedule. I recently had to stay with someone who was also particularly disruptive to my work schedule. I got to the point of totak exhaustion. I can definitely relate. This is an incredibky disruptive pattern There is only so much stress one person can take. If working at home is too disruptive maybe you have to find a way to to work. After all you need your income I really caution you on the build up.of stress. My stress level has been completely maxed out for months. I ended up sick. I did not aporeciate that I was at a critical level. There is no #hang in there# in this resoect. Hanging in gives you the same result. There is something has to give. You have to get rest. You have to be able to work. I also know full well that talking to your A will not make any changes. You do not need constant unremitting conflict and dread of what is coming next The build up of stress for me was catastrophic. I had to have people tell me to de escalate. I value their opinion. I know they have a life I admire so I am willing to take their suggstions. De escalate as best you can but view it as critical. One can only live so long with that level of stress I have been through an absolute nightmare this past 6 months. One catastrophe after another. Covid 19 issues multiply that by a huge factor. I knew I was going to have problems. I didnt know it would be one thing after another of chronic unremittimg stress on top of stress. That level of stress requires emergency measures. I have to implement them I have had to.make radical changes. Really radical and some of then have involved not speaking to certain people. The level of frustration one person can deal with is non negotiable at some point. That is akin to emergency surgery. Please take advantage of this program and lean in on it hard. You need support encouragement but most of all empathy. Empathy and help with brain storming how you can reduce the critical level of stress you are under at this time. Brain storming can help you reduce that level and i hope you find it soon. Your situation is dire and requires an intensive response. Maresie

Today I have done a few things for myself. When I woke up he was still awake. He yelled at me about something he thought I did. He thought I had moved a vodka bottle on purpose to give him a hard time finding it. I just said I did not touch it because I did not know you had a vodka bottle. I walked out to take the dog for a walk. I went to a walking trail and sat at a bench for a good while just enjoying the silence not even the birds were chirping yet. I talked a little with my HP then walked back home. By the time I got back he was asleep. I showered and got online for work. I decided to make pancakes for lunch. I usually eat a sandwich for because I do not have to move around pots and I do not use the microwave because of the ding and any little noise wakes him. But today I thought why do I sneak around my own home? I still quietly got the pan out and dishes and made delicious pancakes for lunch. I ate in peace and quiet. I am just taking this life one hour at a time. Later hopefully I will get to take a long bubble bath and look for meetings close to me. Thank you all for the kind words and (((hugs))) I really needed them <3

Dragonfly04, thank you for your honest post. I am going through the same thing with my husband, he does not use alcohol but he is consuming prescription medication + smoking marijuana+ i do not really what else.... but if he has smoked he is the nicer guy in the world, then he gets all up set, and blame stuff on me...I have to be quiet, I can not even talk in the phone or watch tv, because everything bother him... to live with a person like that can destroy. I am also living one day at the time.. hopefully i can take my live back.

Your situation about having to sneak around your own home is like dealing with my current work mate. She has OCD We share a desk/workstation. She had notes all over the desk do not move this. Do not eat or drink here I only have to deal with her 15 minutes a day. I do not even have to deal with that Her supervisor is just as bad. I have been putting up with that for a few months. The co worker was off because of the COVID issue. I changed my hours so i.did not have to deal with the supervisor. That worhed for a while. I cut my hours. Now I am cutting her off. I am lucky in that there is a lot of work where I am and I need to increase my hours anyway I have to tend to the toxcity. These days I have red flags. When the red flags are flopping I have to take notice. This year has been unbelievably difficult for me. I have now found a therapist and I hope to find ways to de escalate Cumulative toxicity is dangerous for our health . I have to honor my health these days Maresie