How do I really, truly believe a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity?
I want to believe that,I really do,but I simply don't.
I want to be restored to sanity but I don't believe I will be.
Do I blindly trust?
Is it about faith?
Do I have to fully believe and trust that I will be before it's even possible?
I do believe in a higher power though but I feel forsaken.
Iamhere said
Jun 14, 2020
Sunny Frogs - your avatar just brightens my day every time I see it....love, love, love it! I'll start at the bottom and go up as that's the way my mind is working right now - evenings are not prime thinking time for me.
I hear the forsaken feeling - I felt that way when I got here too. I felt I had been let down, left behind, left alone to fend in an unfair, unjust, cruel world. I truly had to let go of my perceptions of what God or a HP was/is, and seek out a simpler way to move forward. I did not abandon all that I had learned, experienced or believed; I just had to let it go, so that I could make room for a better, bigger, broader idea/experience in my brain!
I did not have to 'fully believe and trust' for sanity restoration. In my case, because I could not separate the religion/teachings of my youth from a spiritual journey, I chose to focus on Good Orderly Direction for a long while. All that I knew and had learned applied here - keeping things as simple as possible, I knew the basics - be kind, be patient, be loving, etc. - these all worked well for Good Orderly Direction. I knew from recovery and life experience that what I focus (obsess) on grows - so practiced focusing on what was good in my life (gratitude lists/assets lists) instead of what was broken or not working in my life.
I made a conscious effort to pray each morning, not necessarily to any know God or former God but instead to just the general universe, praying only for strength to be the best version of me, patient, kind, tolerant, forgiving, etc. (back to what Good Orderly Direction meant to me). I attempted to meditate, focusing solely on the Serenity Prayer as a mantra and I learned to pray each evening, thanking the general universe for the day. No matter how the day went, I began to feel grateful for it - the good moments and the learning moments.
Yes, it is about practicing replacing fear with faith and blindly trusting that there is a power greater than self that has a master plan of which we are just a small part. It's about blindly trusting that all will be well for us as well as those we are concerned about as we each have a separate journey. We practice doing the next right thing, one day at a time, keeping things as simple as possible.
I also did not believe I stood any chance in being restored to sanity and finding any level of serenity or happiness. I was proven wrong, over and over again. Left to my own devices, I would have stayed planted in misery, forever expecting others to 'meet my needs' and throwing blame/shame when that didn't happen. In a perverse way, I was content in my self-righteousness and in my pity parties as that was comfortable. Even though I was miserable, I knew what that was like and how it felt.
Yet, when I went to meetings and saw others with genuine smiles and smiling eyes, I felt a little hope. As I listened to their stories, where they started and how they got to the present, I felt a little more hope. There were no absolutes thrown at me, no step-by-step instructions, but rather, just others who used to feel as I felt and found a better way to live. I was intrigued enough to keep coming back and slowly adopted many suggestions that helped me change my attitude, outlook, responses, etc.
There is always hope and help in recovery! If you look to the top right, you will find the Step Work Board! It might help you to read through other's responses to the Q/A on Step 2. It's always a pleasure to see you SF - I hear you and you're not alone! (((Hugs)))
JerryF said
Jun 14, 2020
Sunny Frogs good to have you back and glad you triggered the ESH of Iamhere so she could share her wisdom with you/us. I struggled with believing even after being born and raised in a major world religion and then too more of the truth in that is that the disease of addiction and alcoholism ran deep in both sides of my family including in the clergy and that bought all kinds of other social and personal problems along too.
I learned that alcoholism and drug addiction are a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body that has no preference for who, what, where, when or why. It is powerful and if not arrested by total abstinence often results in death.
I worked your question deeply when I was struggling with it during the work with Steps 1-3. I struggled...didn't know how to or what to do. And then I learned a great motto from within the program and made behavioral sense to me. "Act...as if" Act as if I knew, Act as if it was real. Act as if there was a power greater than myself that would and could give me Good, Orderly Direction and act as if everyone who had and used a Higher Power did.
When I reached the Act as If belief in my mind and behaviors, Higher Power became real as Higher Power is real right now.
Today when anyone in the fellowship speaks of their relationship with their Higher Power and the consequences of the relationships I know and know that I know my HP is real.
Keep coming back and focus on the idea of Act as If and others that this family shares with you. ((((hugs))))
Freetime said
Jun 15, 2020
Sunny, I am so glad you brought this question here. I am sorry you are feeling hopeless at the moment. At one time, I was hopeless and felt that I was going insane. That's what drove me to Al-Anon. And I am a lot saner today.
I am a rational person, and when someone tells me to "have faith" I want to run the other way. But I do trust evidence that I can see. When I look back, I can see the real, tangible evidence that higher powers -- which for me is the program and the people in it -- helped restore me to sanity. I was supported, listened to, offered information and outlooks that I had never imagined before -- and yes, given Good Orderly Direction. I wouldn't say it was blind faith -- it was more a willingness to blindly stumble along and see what would happen. Everything else I had tried had not worked, so this was worth a try.
So, yes, I came to believe that I could be restored to sanity, but I did not believe it right away. It took me a while. I had to step onto a path where I could not see the light at the end, and I had to keep stepping along, day by day.
I think of sayings I heard as a child -- "God helps those who help themselves" and "Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration." I had to do my part, in the process of getting help for my sanity. I had to reach out. I had to be open to ideas that were totally new to me and even seemed impossible. Alcoholism is a disease, not a moral failing??? I should put on my own oxygen mask first??? Detachment -- with love??? And there are people whose story is so similar to my own??? And they can sit in this Al-Anon meeting and not be afraid and angry??? Other people actually want to help me??? All these were ideas I did not believe at first. But I did the experiment, and the data came in, time and again, that the steps I was taking were working little by little.
So for me, it was not faith, but willingness -- to think differently and to do some things differently, while not knowing what the outcome would be. Now, maybe some would call that faith. I call it a scientific experiment.
-- Edited by Freetime on Monday 15th of June 2020 12:05:56 AM
Bo said
Jun 15, 2020
SF -- Excellent share/post!!! Thank you very much for sharing this. In my experience, most people -- and I mean an overwhelming percentage -- never get this real, this open and honest, with themselves, or another, their sponsor for example. In my experience, because you are -- you will have the opportunity to get better.
That said, your first question, how do you really, truly believe, a power greater than yourself can restore me to sanity. How? I think each person has to embrace and accept that on their own. It's part of a process. Where we go, our process, our progress, our recovery -- as much as people want to type it out on a BB -- it is not a destination. It is a journey!!! In my experience, this program, finding recovery, actual success, is about going to face to face meetings (now zoom meetings), working with a sponsor, whether it be literature, readings, doing the steps, or whatever, and making change. To each their own. The change will look and be different for each person
So, the question...for me, and unlike other people, I don't "portray" this will work for everyone, and perhaps not anyone...but, for me, I saw it as...
Something, someone, outside of you, something or someone greater than you, something or someone bigger, different than you...can and will help you, can and will help you get better, can and will help you recover, and find recovery...if you will accept it, if you will embrace it, if you are ready to do the work. It is YOU that got yourself to where you are. Your thinking, your behavior, your actions and reactions, got YOU where YOU are. Well, it ain't gonna be all that which gets you out of where you are!!! X got you there. X ain't gonna get you out. Something other than X will!!!
Now, you said, "I want to believe that,I really do,but I simply don't." Got it. I get it. That's OK. You don't. That's a good thing. At least you are not lying, in denial, and BS'ing yourself. In my experience, most people do. You are in touch and connected with the fact that you simply don't believe it. Great. So what do you do? In my experience, and from what I've seen in my many years in the room, people will spout off about they believed, they didn't, they had, they lost, and so on and so on. Good, that's for them. Not you. Your recovery is your recovery. Your's. Period. Focus on you. People can talk about God all they want...and that's great...but remember, alanon is a spiritual program...NOT a religious one. If someone wants to bring religion into their recovery, that's great...but that doesn't make alanon a religious program. It is not. It makes that person's recovery a religious one because THEY chose to. For them. Not the program. God, as your higher power is a very different, separate and distinct discussion. People also talk about letting go, let go and get God. That's great. Go try and explain it in writing. If it was so easy, you wouldn't be where you are -- "I simply don't believe, even though I want to, I really do!!!"
I think where you are right now is very common. Most people just may not realize it. But you do!!! This is the perfect, absolutely perfect, ideal, example...of what you want to talk to and work with your sponsor on. Good luck SF.
PosiesandPuppies said
Jun 16, 2020
(((((Sunnyfrogs))))))
Such wonderful ESH here in this thread!!!
That is they "Why" I stayed with this forum. I had the worst time with Steps 12&3. My relationship with God was tainted and my faith was nil. I think, as I tried to work through the first three Steps, I used the good people here on MIP as my higher power. I really resonated with Iamhere's ESH today. I have to admit, I took Jerry's "Act As If" to heart and acted like I had faith I would be taken care of! I then chose whatever worked for my brain as my HP. I found that Nature worked best for me. Nature is unencumbered by man's designs, so therefore in my mind, pure. Is my Faith restored? The jury is still out on that, but I know for a fact that I am acting from a place of personal peace now. And that is heads and shoulders above where I was!!
Wishing for you some peace, this week!
&
SunnyFrogs said
Jun 16, 2020
Thanks for all the replies here,as usual I really appreciate it.
I've been reading the replies over and over,trying to figure out exactly what it is I'm doing wrong. I have been and am trying all the suggestions and doing my best to just trust that I can be restored to sanity but I'm real tired of waiting on it.
Before starting this thread I had been trying my best. That's why I said I feel forsaken.
I don't think I can do all this hard work,it seems like so much work and effort. Life shouldn't be this hard.
I am a nut job,I really am.I just cannot seem to detach,even with hate or anger,long enough for there to be a possibility of being restored to sanity.
PosiesandPuppies said
Jun 17, 2020
((((Sunny))))
You are seeing people on the "other side" so-to-speak. They have been working their individual programs.
Time takes time. The serenity doesn't come over night. One of my lesser loved traits is that I had developed a "results-orientated" mind-set. If I did the hard work, I wanted results... like, NOW! LOLS
It did not work that way for me. It was a process. And yes, it required some hard work on my part. Once you begin practicing Acceptance on that, things should fall into place. But it takes Time. And I found many times, that it was a 1 step forward, 2 steps back process.
I had to Accept and tell myself, "No matter, I am pushing forward anyway." I had to act "As IF."
One step, One Day At A Time. (sometimes it was one moment at a time!)
&
SunnyFrogs said
Jun 17, 2020
I had something strange happen today. I was not home and hubby and I were having a text war. I was trying to text a reply and autocorrect kept changing a word to "God" everytime I typed it.
I was getting frustrated because I was already fuming mad. I kept deleting the word God and putting in the word I wanted. It took like 4 or 5 times before it stayed the word I wanted.
I don't think this was a coincidence. I think it answered my original questions in this thread. I know for a fact that the "F" word doesn't autocorrect to the word God.
Kind of freaky actually. And I wish I had paused and thought about it at the time it happened instead of sending my hateful,mean text.
But,at least right now I'm able to see it for what it was even though I couldn't at the time.
SunnyFrogs said
Jun 17, 2020
I just played with my phone putting in every variation of the "F" word. Not once did it autocorrect to the word God.
I do believe my HP can restore me to sanity if I stop getting in my own way and trust.
Iamhere said
Jun 17, 2020
SF - love the text 'auto-correct' story. I completely agree with what PnP shares - where I am today is way better than before. I only got 'here' by trying what was suggested one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. It truly was one step forward, two back, two forward, one/two back - recovery is a journey and my path has been crooked, with speed bumps, detours, etc.
I can say that simple things helped me greatly in the beginning. I was exhausted by all the fighting, chaos and drama so when my buttons were pushed, I went for a walk, often calling someone in the program or my sponsor. I heard really early on that if I wanted change, I needed to do things differently. So, this is exactly what I tried. When I wanted to scream, I put in earbuds and listened to music. When I wanted to ask questions that were probably going to be unintentionally nosy, prying, mothering, managing or similar, I baked cookies. I really, really had to use the pause and consider the facts and what I needed/wanted. Each time, I reminded myself I did not want more of the same, so I did something different.
My different was not always recovery related. Each day that I did not JADE felt like a huge success to me, in the beginning. Each day that I was able to just keep my mouth shut, and not add to the chaos/insanity, I felt good about my choice. Each day that I made it to a meeting/two, I felt even better. Reading literature in the AM and reviewing my day in the PM helped me see what had worked and what could be improved.
You are not 'doing' anything wrong! You are dealing with an incredibly powerful, cunning, confusing, painful disease in someone you love/live with. The more I focused on changing me the better I felt. My guys were still raging, stomping, drinking, etc. and it still bothered me but I had to truly accept that I was completely powerless over what they did/did not do. I still remind myself of this each day because this disease continues to be around me. If I tried to walk away/escape from the disease, I'd be lonely!
Give yourself a break and know there really is hope and help in recovery. I too wanted what I wanted when I wanted it and yet, the God of my understanding had a vastly different plan with a vastly different timeline. (((Hugs)))
Aloha said
Jun 18, 2020
SF - I have a different perspective for you.
I'd say that whether you see it or not, you actually already are in the steps of being restored to sanity. I say that because those people on auto-pilot don't bother to even question what they're doing. They certainly wouldn't bother coming on this message board to ask questions and ask for help and suggestions. Insane people go on with their dances - fighting the pointless fights over and over believing they're right and there's just no other optional behaviors they can do. People who are starting to come back to sanity start seeking better solutions so they're not continually stuck in the same problem over and over.
I love your story of "God" coming up over and over again in your autocorrect. I think you're right that there's a message there for you. I think whether you know it or not, a higher power is doing things for you and helping you.
Thanks so much for your wonderful, open, honest and willing shares.
How do I really, truly believe a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity?
I want to believe that,I really do,but I simply don't.
I want to be restored to sanity but I don't believe I will be.
Do I blindly trust?
Is it about faith?
Do I have to fully believe and trust that I will be before it's even possible?
I do believe in a higher power though but I feel forsaken.
I hear the forsaken feeling - I felt that way when I got here too. I felt I had been let down, left behind, left alone to fend in an unfair, unjust, cruel world. I truly had to let go of my perceptions of what God or a HP was/is, and seek out a simpler way to move forward. I did not abandon all that I had learned, experienced or believed; I just had to let it go, so that I could make room for a better, bigger, broader idea/experience in my brain!
I did not have to 'fully believe and trust' for sanity restoration. In my case, because I could not separate the religion/teachings of my youth from a spiritual journey, I chose to focus on Good Orderly Direction for a long while. All that I knew and had learned applied here - keeping things as simple as possible, I knew the basics - be kind, be patient, be loving, etc. - these all worked well for Good Orderly Direction. I knew from recovery and life experience that what I focus (obsess) on grows - so practiced focusing on what was good in my life (gratitude lists/assets lists) instead of what was broken or not working in my life.
I made a conscious effort to pray each morning, not necessarily to any know God or former God but instead to just the general universe, praying only for strength to be the best version of me, patient, kind, tolerant, forgiving, etc. (back to what Good Orderly Direction meant to me). I attempted to meditate, focusing solely on the Serenity Prayer as a mantra and I learned to pray each evening, thanking the general universe for the day. No matter how the day went, I began to feel grateful for it - the good moments and the learning moments.
Yes, it is about practicing replacing fear with faith and blindly trusting that there is a power greater than self that has a master plan of which we are just a small part. It's about blindly trusting that all will be well for us as well as those we are concerned about as we each have a separate journey. We practice doing the next right thing, one day at a time, keeping things as simple as possible.
I also did not believe I stood any chance in being restored to sanity and finding any level of serenity or happiness. I was proven wrong, over and over again. Left to my own devices, I would have stayed planted in misery, forever expecting others to 'meet my needs' and throwing blame/shame when that didn't happen. In a perverse way, I was content in my self-righteousness and in my pity parties as that was comfortable. Even though I was miserable, I knew what that was like and how it felt.
Yet, when I went to meetings and saw others with genuine smiles and smiling eyes, I felt a little hope. As I listened to their stories, where they started and how they got to the present, I felt a little more hope. There were no absolutes thrown at me, no step-by-step instructions, but rather, just others who used to feel as I felt and found a better way to live. I was intrigued enough to keep coming back and slowly adopted many suggestions that helped me change my attitude, outlook, responses, etc.
There is always hope and help in recovery! If you look to the top right, you will find the Step Work Board! It might help you to read through other's responses to the Q/A on Step 2. It's always a pleasure to see you SF - I hear you and you're not alone! (((Hugs)))
Sunny Frogs good to have you back and glad you triggered the ESH of Iamhere so she could share her wisdom with you/us. I struggled with believing even after being born and raised in a major world religion and then too more of the truth in that is that the disease of addiction and alcoholism ran deep in both sides of my family including in the clergy and that bought all kinds of other social and personal problems along too.
I learned that alcoholism and drug addiction are a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body that has no preference for who, what, where, when or why. It is powerful and if not arrested by total abstinence often results in death.
I worked your question deeply when I was struggling with it during the work with Steps 1-3. I struggled...didn't know how to or what to do. And then I learned a great motto from within the program and made behavioral sense to me. "Act...as if" Act as if I knew, Act as if it was real. Act as if there was a power greater than myself that would and could give me Good, Orderly Direction and act as if everyone who had and used a Higher Power did.
When I reached the Act as If belief in my mind and behaviors, Higher Power became real as Higher Power is real right now.
Today when anyone in the fellowship speaks of their relationship with their Higher Power and the consequences of the relationships I know and know that I know my HP is real.
Keep coming back and focus on the idea of Act as If and others that this family shares with you. ((((hugs))))
Sunny, I am so glad you brought this question here. I am sorry you are feeling hopeless at the moment. At one time, I was hopeless and felt that I was going insane. That's what drove me to Al-Anon. And I am a lot saner today.
I am a rational person, and when someone tells me to "have faith" I want to run the other way. But I do trust evidence that I can see. When I look back, I can see the real, tangible evidence that higher powers -- which for me is the program and the people in it -- helped restore me to sanity. I was supported, listened to, offered information and outlooks that I had never imagined before -- and yes, given Good Orderly Direction. I wouldn't say it was blind faith -- it was more a willingness to blindly stumble along and see what would happen. Everything else I had tried had not worked, so this was worth a try.
So, yes, I came to believe that I could be restored to sanity, but I did not believe it right away. It took me a while. I had to step onto a path where I could not see the light at the end, and I had to keep stepping along, day by day.
I think of sayings I heard as a child -- "God helps those who help themselves" and "Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration." I had to do my part, in the process of getting help for my sanity. I had to reach out. I had to be open to ideas that were totally new to me and even seemed impossible. Alcoholism is a disease, not a moral failing??? I should put on my own oxygen mask first??? Detachment -- with love??? And there are people whose story is so similar to my own??? And they can sit in this Al-Anon meeting and not be afraid and angry??? Other people actually want to help me??? All these were ideas I did not believe at first. But I did the experiment, and the data came in, time and again, that the steps I was taking were working little by little.
So for me, it was not faith, but willingness -- to think differently and to do some things differently, while not knowing what the outcome would be. Now, maybe some would call that faith. I call it a scientific experiment.
-- Edited by Freetime on Monday 15th of June 2020 12:05:56 AM
That said, your first question, how do you really, truly believe, a power greater than yourself can restore me to sanity. How? I think each person has to embrace and accept that on their own. It's part of a process. Where we go, our process, our progress, our recovery -- as much as people want to type it out on a BB -- it is not a destination. It is a journey!!! In my experience, this program, finding recovery, actual success, is about going to face to face meetings (now zoom meetings), working with a sponsor, whether it be literature, readings, doing the steps, or whatever, and making change. To each their own. The change will look and be different for each person
So, the question...for me, and unlike other people, I don't "portray" this will work for everyone, and perhaps not anyone...but, for me, I saw it as...
Something, someone, outside of you, something or someone greater than you, something or someone bigger, different than you...can and will help you, can and will help you get better, can and will help you recover, and find recovery...if you will accept it, if you will embrace it, if you are ready to do the work. It is YOU that got yourself to where you are. Your thinking, your behavior, your actions and reactions, got YOU where YOU are. Well, it ain't gonna be all that which gets you out of where you are!!! X got you there. X ain't gonna get you out. Something other than X will!!!
Now, you said, "I want to believe that,I really do,but I simply don't." Got it. I get it. That's OK. You don't. That's a good thing. At least you are not lying, in denial, and BS'ing yourself. In my experience, most people do. You are in touch and connected with the fact that you simply don't believe it. Great. So what do you do? In my experience, and from what I've seen in my many years in the room, people will spout off about they believed, they didn't, they had, they lost, and so on and so on. Good, that's for them. Not you. Your recovery is your recovery. Your's. Period. Focus on you. People can talk about God all they want...and that's great...but remember, alanon is a spiritual program...NOT a religious one. If someone wants to bring religion into their recovery, that's great...but that doesn't make alanon a religious program. It is not. It makes that person's recovery a religious one because THEY chose to. For them. Not the program. God, as your higher power is a very different, separate and distinct discussion. People also talk about letting go, let go and get God. That's great. Go try and explain it in writing. If it was so easy, you wouldn't be where you are -- "I simply don't believe, even though I want to, I really do!!!"
I think where you are right now is very common. Most people just may not realize it. But you do!!! This is the perfect, absolutely perfect, ideal, example...of what you want to talk to and work with your sponsor on. Good luck SF.
(((((Sunnyfrogs))))))
& 
Such wonderful ESH here in this thread!!!
That is they "Why" I stayed with this forum. I had the worst time with Steps 12&3. My relationship with God was tainted and my faith was nil. I think, as I tried to work through the first three Steps, I used the good people here on MIP as my higher power. I really resonated with Iamhere's ESH today. I have to admit, I took Jerry's "Act As If" to heart and acted like I had faith I would be taken care of!
I then chose whatever worked for my brain as my HP. I found that Nature worked best for me. Nature is unencumbered by man's designs, so therefore in my mind, pure.
Is my Faith restored? The jury is still out on that, but I know for a fact that I am acting from a place of personal peace now. And that is heads and shoulders above where I was!!
Wishing for you some peace, this week!
I've been reading the replies over and over,trying to figure out exactly what it is I'm doing wrong. I have been and am trying all the suggestions and doing my best to just trust that I can be restored to sanity but I'm real tired of waiting on it.
Before starting this thread I had been trying my best. That's why I said I feel forsaken.
I don't think I can do all this hard work,it seems like so much work and effort. Life shouldn't be this hard.
I am a nut job,I really am.I just cannot seem to detach,even with hate or anger,long enough for there to be a possibility of being restored to sanity.
((((Sunny))))
You are seeing people on the "other side" so-to-speak. They have been working their individual programs.
Time takes time. The serenity doesn't come over night. One of my lesser loved traits is that I had developed a "results-orientated" mind-set. If I did the hard work, I wanted results... like, NOW! LOLS
It did not work that way for me. It was a process. And yes, it required some hard work on my part. Once you begin practicing Acceptance on that, things should fall into place. But it takes Time. And I found many times, that it was a 1 step forward, 2 steps back process.
I had to Accept and tell myself, "No matter, I am pushing forward anyway." I had to act "As IF."
One step, One Day At A Time.
(sometimes it was one moment at a time!)
I had something strange happen today. I was not home and hubby and I were having a text war. I was trying to text a reply and autocorrect kept changing a word to "God" everytime I typed it.
I was getting frustrated because I was already fuming mad. I kept deleting the word God and putting in the word I wanted. It took like 4 or 5 times before it stayed the word I wanted.
I don't think this was a coincidence. I think it answered my original questions in this thread. I know for a fact that the "F" word doesn't autocorrect to the word God.
Kind of freaky actually. And I wish I had paused and thought about it at the time it happened instead of sending my hateful,mean text.
But,at least right now I'm able to see it for what it was even though I couldn't at the time.
I do believe my HP can restore me to sanity if I stop getting in my own way and trust.
I can say that simple things helped me greatly in the beginning. I was exhausted by all the fighting, chaos and drama so when my buttons were pushed, I went for a walk, often calling someone in the program or my sponsor. I heard really early on that if I wanted change, I needed to do things differently. So, this is exactly what I tried. When I wanted to scream, I put in earbuds and listened to music. When I wanted to ask questions that were probably going to be unintentionally nosy, prying, mothering, managing or similar, I baked cookies. I really, really had to use the pause and consider the facts and what I needed/wanted. Each time, I reminded myself I did not want more of the same, so I did something different.
My different was not always recovery related. Each day that I did not JADE felt like a huge success to me, in the beginning. Each day that I was able to just keep my mouth shut, and not add to the chaos/insanity, I felt good about my choice. Each day that I made it to a meeting/two, I felt even better. Reading literature in the AM and reviewing my day in the PM helped me see what had worked and what could be improved.
You are not 'doing' anything wrong! You are dealing with an incredibly powerful, cunning, confusing, painful disease in someone you love/live with. The more I focused on changing me the better I felt. My guys were still raging, stomping, drinking, etc. and it still bothered me but I had to truly accept that I was completely powerless over what they did/did not do. I still remind myself of this each day because this disease continues to be around me. If I tried to walk away/escape from the disease, I'd be lonely!
Give yourself a break and know there really is hope and help in recovery. I too wanted what I wanted when I wanted it and yet, the God of my understanding had a vastly different plan with a vastly different timeline. (((Hugs)))
I'd say that whether you see it or not, you actually already are in the steps of being restored to sanity. I say that because those people on auto-pilot don't bother to even question what they're doing. They certainly wouldn't bother coming on this message board to ask questions and ask for help and suggestions. Insane people go on with their dances - fighting the pointless fights over and over believing they're right and there's just no other optional behaviors they can do. People who are starting to come back to sanity start seeking better solutions so they're not continually stuck in the same problem over and over.
I love your story of "God" coming up over and over again in your autocorrect. I think you're right that there's a message there for you. I think whether you know it or not, a higher power is doing things for you and helping you.
Thanks so much for your wonderful, open, honest and willing shares.