Hello everyone out there. I am the male spouse dealing with an alcoholic wife. We have 2 children together, 6 and 8, and I have a 12yo from my first marriage. I have been very lucky to have had a good career that allows our family to be ok financially in the midst of the chaos others are facing right now. My wife has been a full time stay at home mom since my 8yo was born. My wifes father passed 2 years ago and things have gone downhill since, well maybe about a year beforehand it started. First we had the pointless arguments in circles, then fights, then make ups that involved talking about drinking. At this point and for a while, she is hiding vodka and drinking starting midday, denying she has had anything to drinking while weaving down the hall.
We are in a cycle of her getting floored then apologizing and stop drinking for a day or two then back to another episode. Wow...this is so hard. Im finally seeing that I cant fix this or help it and joining at least online meetings is first step to me getting better. I have a good therapist and he recommended this format as well. Thanks for reading.
JerryF said
Jun 9, 2020
Just one of the directions I kept getting after becoming an Al-Anon Family Group member was "Keep Coming Back". I didn't like that at all because of the defiant personality I had then and yet I did it. I came back with the anger and indifference until one night at home alone with my Higher Power it all just left and I became free of all of the affects of the disease up until that time and then I became as subject of recovery. My alcoholic/addict wife was also drinking, drugging, and everything else imaginable in the disease of addiction and truthfully so was I as her spouse and more.
I knew nothing about alcoholism though I was born and raised in it and was also addicted. She chased my drinking and wished she could drink like me until the fatal nature of this disease started coming after our mind, body, spirits and emotions fulltime. After ESH (Direction from the experiences) from others in both programs my Higher Power erased the attachment. I kept coming back and I stopped fighting it, her, them etc. all the time. Recovery didn't become easier until it became the most important spirit in my life and though she continued the disease full time I left off.
She eventually got into sobriety thru a hospital program and HP used her to teach me humility...being teachable.
We have not been married for over thirty years and daily I feel blessed and grateful for us both.
One valuable tool my early sponsor gave me because he knew I was metaphoric was to envision me holding my wife in my hands and raising her up to my HP and then bringing my hands back down empty. I did that one evening and when it was done I found myself reciting MLK's "Free at last, Free at last, thank God I'm free at last" chant and feeling it.
Jack you will hear a lot of ESH on this board and are free to try all or even none of it and you all also free to attain the same recovery consequences.
Hope and prayer....((((hugs)))).
Look up information on the Alateen program also.
Skorpi said
Jun 9, 2020
Welcome, Jack.
I'm glad you stopped by. This group was my lifeline when I realized that my wife's drinking was controlling her life.
I, too, heard "keep coming back" - and I did. It was helpful to me to share here with others who could understand my situation, and I learned a lot from the experiences, strength, and hope shared by the other group members.
My wife found sobriety with the help of the legal system, and we are still married.
I found a few things really helpful early in my program:
- take what you like and leave the rest
- One day at a time (or one hour, or one minute, or one moment at a time)
- what is the next right thing?
- deciding not to make a major decision yet is still a valid decision for today
I'm thankful for the program and the changes I've found in my life.
Keep coming back
PosiesandPuppies said
Jun 10, 2020
Welcome. Healing can be found here and in the rooms of Al-Anon.
Iamhere said
Jun 10, 2020
Jack - welcome to MIP! Glad that you found us and glad that you joined right in and shared. I am so sorry for what brings you hear yet am grateful you arrived and reached out. Alcoholism is progressive disease, cunning baffling and powerful. The 'dance' you mention is common - you truly are not alone.
One of the first things I heard that touched me was the three C(s) - I didn't Cause this, I couldn't Control this, nor could I Cure this. Deep within, there was a huge part of me that felt contrary to all 3 of these points and when I heard this, it kind of gave me just a bit of hope and relief. I also heard to keep coming back, consider living/loving just One Day at a Time and to try and keep my focus, energy, etc. on me - my self-care, my thoughts, actions, etc. This was a hard, hard effort for me as I had spent many years focusing on everybody but me.
There is tons of hope and help in Al-Anon recovery! Please keep coming back and know that you truly are not alone!
Maresie888 said
Jun 11, 2020
I stayed with a roommate for 4 months this year who was on the Vodka. I have known him 20 years. My exoectations ofba habitable home to live in were not possible. It was hell to be there. I have been in al anon over 10 years. I had a lot of tools. I did not have very many expectations. He was still hell absolute hell to be around on so many levels. I also had really firm boundaries in place. I did not broach them. I held to then. My life was so uncomfortable that I had very little rest. Then a stay that was supposed to last 6 weeks became 4 months. 4 months of total hell. I remain on good terms with this man because I still have issues to deal with. I would love to sever all ties with him but I know where that goes. Now I no longer live in that house I feel less triggered but I have tremendous anger about the situation I ended up in. Real rage, betrayal and a huge amount of self reproach about finding myself in that position. I work daily to put myself in s better position. Moreover I also work overtime to restore my health.
Al anon certainly has helped me. Nevertheless the situation you are in is a crisis proposotion. I am glad you have a therapist. Acquiring a therapist is one of the high points on my to do list. I have been stymied by the Covid 19 virus.
I have to say the stress I deal with due to the Covid 19 virus is ongoing. Going to the bank (it is closed and all boarded up) going to do anything at all is now an obstacle course. Remember you have that major stress to deal with regardless of your finacial position
In addition please note that al anon is not open at this time. It is possible to go to meetings by Zoom. Some of the members on this board have a lot of grear things to say about zoom. Really great things and it is well worth looking at that option
I am so glad you came here. You are certainly welcome to post regularly. The most important thing in the room is the newcomer. One book that used to be mentioned a lot in this format is #Getting them Sober# i highly recomnend that book.
Welcome to this place of respite and relief
Maresie
I
Bettertomorrow said
Jun 11, 2020
Hi Jack,
So sorry that you are in this situation - but welcome to Alanon where you will find understanding, empathy and support. You are already taking the first step and accepting that your life is unmanageable and that you can't as you say 'fix it'. That's a great first step.
Although there probably aren't face to face meetings due to Covid, there are certainly lots of Zoom alanon meetings which you can join and they could be really helpful for you. Certainly when I first joined Alanon they saved me and it was such a relief to be among people who understood me. So welcome - sorry that you have had to join the club so to speak, but if you stick with it, things will improve and this board is very active, so you can always log on and read things here.
Bo said
Jun 14, 2020
Welcome...keep focusing on YOU and as you said "me getting better."
Alanon offers you the opportunity for YOU to get healthy, for YOU to get better.
You might want to try online, zoom alanon meetings. They are taking the place of face to face alanon meetings. I've found them to be great, really amazing. Meeting makers make it. Meetings are at the core of the alanon program. You can find meetings morning, afternoon, and evening. They are all over!
Just one of the directions I kept getting after becoming an Al-Anon Family Group member was "Keep Coming Back". I didn't like that at all because of the defiant personality I had then and yet I did it. I came back with the anger and indifference until one night at home alone with my Higher Power it all just left and I became free of all of the affects of the disease up until that time and then I became as subject of recovery. My alcoholic/addict wife was also drinking, drugging, and everything else imaginable in the disease of addiction and truthfully so was I as her spouse and more.
I knew nothing about alcoholism though I was born and raised in it and was also addicted. She chased my drinking and wished she could drink like me until the fatal nature of this disease started coming after our mind, body, spirits and emotions fulltime. After ESH (Direction from the experiences) from others in both programs my Higher Power erased the attachment. I kept coming back and I stopped fighting it, her, them etc. all the time. Recovery didn't become easier until it became the most important spirit in my life and though she continued the disease full time I left off.
She eventually got into sobriety thru a hospital program and HP used her to teach me humility...being teachable.
We have not been married for over thirty years and daily I feel blessed and grateful for us both.
One valuable tool my early sponsor gave me because he knew I was metaphoric was to envision me holding my wife in my hands and raising her up to my HP and then bringing my hands back down empty. I did that one evening and when it was done I found myself reciting MLK's "Free at last, Free at last, thank God I'm free at last" chant and feeling it.
Jack you will hear a lot of ESH on this board and are free to try all or even none of it and you all also free to attain the same recovery consequences.
Hope and prayer....((((hugs)))).
Look up information on the Alateen program also.
I'm glad you stopped by. This group was my lifeline when I realized that my wife's drinking was controlling her life.
I, too, heard "keep coming back" - and I did. It was helpful to me to share here with others who could understand my situation, and I learned a lot from the experiences, strength, and hope shared by the other group members.
My wife found sobriety with the help of the legal system, and we are still married.
I found a few things really helpful early in my program:
- take what you like and leave the rest
- One day at a time (or one hour, or one minute, or one moment at a time)
- what is the next right thing?
- deciding not to make a major decision yet is still a valid decision for today
I'm thankful for the program and the changes I've found in my life.
Keep coming back
One of the first things I heard that touched me was the three C(s) - I didn't Cause this, I couldn't Control this, nor could I Cure this. Deep within, there was a huge part of me that felt contrary to all 3 of these points and when I heard this, it kind of gave me just a bit of hope and relief. I also heard to keep coming back, consider living/loving just One Day at a Time and to try and keep my focus, energy, etc. on me - my self-care, my thoughts, actions, etc. This was a hard, hard effort for me as I had spent many years focusing on everybody but me.
There is tons of hope and help in Al-Anon recovery! Please keep coming back and know that you truly are not alone!
Hi Jack,
So sorry that you are in this situation - but welcome to Alanon where you will find understanding, empathy and support. You are already taking the first step and accepting that your life is unmanageable and that you can't as you say 'fix it'. That's a great first step.
Although there probably aren't face to face meetings due to Covid, there are certainly lots of Zoom alanon meetings which you can join and they could be really helpful for you. Certainly when I first joined Alanon they saved me and it was such a relief to be among people who understood me. So welcome - sorry that you have had to join the club so to speak, but if you stick with it, things will improve and this board is very active, so you can always log on and read things here.
Alanon offers you the opportunity for YOU to get healthy, for YOU to get better.
You might want to try online, zoom alanon meetings. They are taking the place of face to face alanon meetings. I've found them to be great, really amazing. Meeting makers make it. Meetings are at the core of the alanon program. You can find meetings morning, afternoon, and evening. They are all over!
Keep coming back.