Hello! Today I had a quiet day, so had some time to reflect on a lot of things. First off, it is my 17th wedding anniversary. Nobody in the house remembered that, since one of the two of us was in a booze induced haze for most of the day, and the other of us only spends time fantasizing about being divorced, or being a widow. So checking the hallmark list of appropriate anniversary gifts was not high on the ToDo list.
AH and I have been keeping our distance from one another, which has resulted in a relatively long string of quiet time in my house. Not peaceful but more like a plateau. I learned that AH has been writing his "life story" and putting it on social media. While the scaffolding is true, it is incredibly sanitized. Of course there is zero about alcohol, or the extreme level of stress and challenge in our lives for the last 10 years. In fact, he's been hearing from a whole bunch of childhood church friends who are just thrilled beyond words about "how perfectly his life has worked out!"
I have not made a comment or response to any of his posts and I noticed that no one in our family has either. Since we know that a solid 85% of the story is missing. But of course, if this isn't the glory of social media, what is?
For a couple of days I started to think about this more than I needed to, but I did manage to pull it back and instead try to turn the reflection on me. It makes me crazy when AH publicly makes statements like "I'm an old person now - my memory is shot!" or "I don't know Why have these tics - I've never had them before!". Since I know that he is Not old, and we all know why he has these tics. But then I have to remember that alcohol has robbed him of any ability to face reality - even if he wanted to, he probably has no idea what is real anymore. I overheard him talking to his mother and another friend recently and he was making stuff up left and right. He never used to do that before. They didn't realize it because they don't talk to him often and they don't know the situation of which he was speaking. But I did and I could only shake my head.
The first time this happened I tried to jump in the conversation and correct him. This didn't go over well. Since then I've just tried to pull back. I thought, none of these things matter much and if we get into a situation where they suddenly do, I will correct the information as necessary.
I realized that my "irritation" and "need to correct" were just another manifestation of my urge to avoid the consequences of alcoholism becoming publicly known. And this is wasting my energy and my life. I just need to let this go and let the cookies crumble where they will.
We were just invited to a wine tasting (virtual!) and I didn't tell AH because I know he'd be very enthusiastic about participating. His fondest desire is that he show how he is a Good Public Drinker, and can enjoy a social drink just like everyone else. A few weeks ago we had a social zoom meeting with this same circle of people and it came up that we should have a drink at said meeting. There were a few jokes about day drinking etc. and I realized that I'm the only person not laughing. Because right at that very moment, my AH was drunk as a skunk sitting next to me. AH was laughing right along with everyone but I know he has no idea why they were even making the joke, since he literally wakes up at 4am to start drinking.
So I have been debating about how to decline this invitation. I want to tell them the truth and say "I'd love to participate if I could leave AH out of it, because to be honest, it's bad enough if he is drinking of his own accord; if I get into a situation with where we are willingly consuming alcohol, then I am clearly out of my mind." But I feel like outing AH to these people will invite a firestorm of chaos that I'm just not ready to face. And that makes me discouraged about my recovery process.
PosiesandPuppies said
Jun 8, 2020
(((((Fedora)))))
Wow. Your first paragraph took me back for sure!! Except mine was 29 years. Really no difference... the feelings are the same. Super hugs to you!! I see good recovery actions all over your post!! You have learned the importance of "How Important Is It?" and are working that angle. HUZZAH!
Try not to get too discouraged. I understand it happens. I can still get frustrated with the one step forward, two steps back thing. But is is a process... which IMHO takes longer when you live with your qualifier. It's just harder to do. Not impossible, just harder.
In regards to the invitation: No need to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain). You know your feelings... you typed it yourself - "I'm just not ready to face." Pause, and take a moment to say, "That's OK for now" to yourself.
I think you are doing wonderful given your circumstances. You are working on keeping the focus on yourself. Brava!
&
Freetime said
Jun 8, 2020
Fedora, I relate to so much of what you wrote. I have been there -- "fantasizing about being divorced, or being a widow" -- living with someone whose mind was not what it used to be, and who desperately wanted to drink like a normal person -- and me wanting to tell everyone why drinking was a terrible idea.
I really wanted to shout to all the friends and relatives, "Don't you know he is a $#@%*! alcoholic ?????" I am so glad I got into Al-Anon before I was tempted to do that. Although it wasn't easy, I was able to keep that thought to myself and only express it to my Al-Anon people, who understood both what he was going through and what I was going through.
Just like we learn in Al anon that we don't have to attend every fight we are invited to, I learned I don't have to go to every party (Zoom or otherwise) i am invited to, and I don't have to give a reason.
I am glad you have us, and we have you. I hope you can make this a great day of treating yourself well.
Iamhere said
Jun 8, 2020
(((Fedora))) - I too can relate to those wondering thoughts of divorce or death...at that time, with the insanity of the disease in every corner of every room of my home, it was just too much for me to handle/accept/embrace. I found Al-Anon at the point in my life where I truly thought I would self-combust because of the disease, the diseased and the utter chaos/insanity!
It was in Al-Anon that I learned Yes and No were complete sentences. I did not have to offer any more than a single work response. Practicing these 2 simple words gave me confidence to better put myself first in dealing with invitations, events, volunteering, etc.
We celebrated 29 years in April and my AH did not remember. I have changed so much that my thoughts were, "If this is the worst thing that happens today, it's gonna be a great day!" This is the change (in me) that recovery has gifted to me.
I love that your post discusses self reflection and acceptance. I see good use of tools in a very tough situation. Living with active disease is very, very hard so celebrate you and success, no matter how small it seems/feels - it all matters. We don't get recovery overnight - it's one step at a time, One Day at a Time. Keep doing what you're doing and leaning into recovery! It's worth it and so are you!
JerryF said
Jun 9, 2020
I love coming here and reading all of the responses to posts looking for help. I can and will remember when it was me feeling my way down the blackened hall looking for the door that would lead me to light. I explained to my sponsor what that was like because as a minor at night I use to do that to find my way to the bathroom and now years later do the same thing. I feel the wall as I go for familiar idents and then do the next right thing. My sponsor applauded the metaphor until one day I told him what I did and he asked me what did you find and truthfully I responded, "another door" which at times is the outcome and then I have another growth chance.
I learn so much here and have come to the believe I always will. Thanks for sharing. ((((hugs))))
Maresie888 said
Jun 10, 2020
I was with my qualifier for over 8 years
He never acknowledged any anniversary
The alcoholic roommate who I stayed with on for the past four months is someone I have known for over 20 years. Years are nothing to an alcoholic. They stay stuck on today there is nothing but today
The ex roommmate has always been an alcoholic but he is highly functional. He has a great job that pays well.
I can relate to the desire to be a widow
I am currently expunging my life of sources of frustration. So I have to deal with one foot in the present and one foot in where I want to be
I know these days I have limits on the amount of frustration I can deal with
My plate is full.
My plate is full and I no longer have to deal with the now ex rooomate. There are reasons I still have to deal with him. My aim is to end that in the hext few months
That is something I work on actively every day towards a goal. I hope to just let it be that I never need to hear how his house fell down around him. I also can relate to that I hated that I had no.way out of enduring what I had to around him.
I can relate to the anger, frustration and sense of helplessness. I can also relate to the feeling of impotence about not getting my needs met. Indeed living around someone who completely discounted I even had any needs at all.
Please know you are heard here. I can relate to all of it and how draining the full spectrum is.
There are ways out of this and one of them is alanon. Who said life would be easy ?
Maresie
Hello! Today I had a quiet day, so had some time to reflect on a lot of things. First off, it is my 17th wedding anniversary. Nobody in the house remembered that, since one of the two of us was in a booze induced haze for most of the day, and the other of us only spends time fantasizing about being divorced, or being a widow. So checking the hallmark list of appropriate anniversary gifts was not high on the ToDo list.
AH and I have been keeping our distance from one another, which has resulted in a relatively long string of quiet time in my house. Not peaceful but more like a plateau. I learned that AH has been writing his "life story" and putting it on social media. While the scaffolding is true, it is incredibly sanitized. Of course there is zero about alcohol, or the extreme level of stress and challenge in our lives for the last 10 years. In fact, he's been hearing from a whole bunch of childhood church friends who are just thrilled beyond words about "how perfectly his life has worked out!"
I have not made a comment or response to any of his posts and I noticed that no one in our family has either. Since we know that a solid 85% of the story is missing. But of course, if this isn't the glory of social media, what is?
For a couple of days I started to think about this more than I needed to, but I did manage to pull it back and instead try to turn the reflection on me. It makes me crazy when AH publicly makes statements like "I'm an old person now - my memory is shot!" or "I don't know Why have these tics - I've never had them before!". Since I know that he is Not old, and we all know why he has these tics. But then I have to remember that alcohol has robbed him of any ability to face reality - even if he wanted to, he probably has no idea what is real anymore. I overheard him talking to his mother and another friend recently and he was making stuff up left and right. He never used to do that before. They didn't realize it because they don't talk to him often and they don't know the situation of which he was speaking. But I did and I could only shake my head.
The first time this happened I tried to jump in the conversation and correct him. This didn't go over well. Since then I've just tried to pull back. I thought, none of these things matter much and if we get into a situation where they suddenly do, I will correct the information as necessary.
I realized that my "irritation" and "need to correct" were just another manifestation of my urge to avoid the consequences of alcoholism becoming publicly known. And this is wasting my energy and my life. I just need to let this go and let the cookies crumble where they will.
We were just invited to a wine tasting (virtual!) and I didn't tell AH because I know he'd be very enthusiastic about participating. His fondest desire is that he show how he is a Good Public Drinker, and can enjoy a social drink just like everyone else. A few weeks ago we had a social zoom meeting with this same circle of people and it came up that we should have a drink at said meeting. There were a few jokes about day drinking etc. and I realized that I'm the only person not laughing. Because right at that very moment, my AH was drunk as a skunk sitting next to me. AH was laughing right along with everyone but I know he has no idea why they were even making the joke, since he literally wakes up at 4am to start drinking.
So I have been debating about how to decline this invitation. I want to tell them the truth and say "I'd love to participate if I could leave AH out of it, because to be honest, it's bad enough if he is drinking of his own accord; if I get into a situation with where we are willingly consuming alcohol, then I am clearly out of my mind." But I feel like outing AH to these people will invite a firestorm of chaos that I'm just not ready to face. And that makes me discouraged about my recovery process.
(((((Fedora)))))
Wow. Your first paragraph took me back for sure!! Except mine was 29 years. Really no difference... the feelings are the same.
Super hugs to you!! I see good recovery actions all over your post!!
You have learned the importance of "How Important Is It?" and are working that angle. HUZZAH!
Try not to get too discouraged. I understand it happens. I can still get frustrated with the one step forward, two steps back thing. But is is a process... which IMHO takes longer when you live with your qualifier. It's just harder to do. Not impossible, just harder.
In regards to the invitation: No need to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain). You know your feelings... you typed it yourself - "I'm just not ready to face." Pause, and take a moment to say, "That's OK for now" to yourself.
I think you are doing wonderful given your circumstances. You are working on keeping the focus on yourself. Brava!
I really wanted to shout to all the friends and relatives, "Don't you know he is a $#@%*! alcoholic ?????" I am so glad I got into Al-Anon before I was tempted to do that. Although it wasn't easy, I was able to keep that thought to myself and only express it to my Al-Anon people, who understood both what he was going through and what I was going through.
Just like we learn in Al anon that we don't have to attend every fight we are invited to, I learned I don't have to go to every party (Zoom or otherwise) i am invited to, and I don't have to give a reason.
I am glad you have us, and we have you. I hope you can make this a great day of treating yourself well.
It was in Al-Anon that I learned Yes and No were complete sentences. I did not have to offer any more than a single work response. Practicing these 2 simple words gave me confidence to better put myself first in dealing with invitations, events, volunteering, etc.
We celebrated 29 years in April and my AH did not remember. I have changed so much that my thoughts were, "If this is the worst thing that happens today, it's gonna be a great day!" This is the change (in me) that recovery has gifted to me.
I love that your post discusses self reflection and acceptance. I see good use of tools in a very tough situation. Living with active disease is very, very hard so celebrate you and success, no matter how small it seems/feels - it all matters. We don't get recovery overnight - it's one step at a time, One Day at a Time. Keep doing what you're doing and leaning into recovery! It's worth it and so are you!
I love coming here and reading all of the responses to posts looking for help. I can and will remember when it was me feeling my way down the blackened hall looking for the door that would lead me to light. I explained to my sponsor what that was like because as a minor at night I use to do that to find my way to the bathroom and now years later do the same thing. I feel the wall as I go for familiar idents and then do the next right thing. My sponsor applauded the metaphor until one day I told him what I did and he asked me what did you find and truthfully I responded, "another door" which at times is the outcome and then I have another growth chance.
I learn so much here and have come to the believe I always will. Thanks for sharing. ((((hugs))))