AH has declined considerably since his inheritance and our move to a property he received. I love him deeply but watching him spend daily on alcohol and drugs what could have been put to beneficial gain such as his talk of starting a construction/contracting business is too much for my own mental health. It has impacted my physical health as well. Not being able to work safely has caused me financial distress and i am ineligible for unemployment. If there is one bit of a silver lining it's that I can clearly see more clearly than before that I didn't cause it, can't cure or control it but I can take care of me. I can't help him. I can't talk to him about finances since he uses my unemployment to shift blame onto me. He has his drinking buddies over almost daily and it seems like a shield for him so that he can continue to avoid me or reality. I worry about being exposed to the virus with an a compromised immune system and asthma. I've looked into moving to another state for a prospective job and contacted a spiritual advisor to see if he might know someone who might have a place I could rent. I feel guilty as if I'm betraying my AH but he's not open to discussion and I am afraid it's going to get ugly if I try to leave, so for now I'm waiting on silence.
Paloma Negra said
Jun 1, 2020
Going back on my old posts made my own illness so apparent. I'm disappointed with myself for trying to stick it out and just getting more stuck. I think that I'm close to hitting rock bottom or getting close. The depression panic and anxiety over several years has made it very difficult to focus or get anything done.
Maresie888 said
Jun 2, 2020
Welcome to.this group. One of the suggestions I took up when I was in similar position was to make a #Plan B#
That is to list (but not act on ) all the things I would need in order to leave. I.made that Plan B for sometime then I started to act on it
Making a Plan B helped me to detach from my qualifier who I had been in a very long relationshio was
Leaving was very hard for me. I received tremendous support from this group.
I made real progress
Al.anon siggestions are very helpful
I hope you will stick around and update us
Maresie
PosiesandPuppies said
Jun 2, 2020
Welcome, Paloma!
I am sorry that you are so affected by this disease. It is truly a insidious, devastating disease. When I had reached my rock bottom... when I accepted I could not change someone else, only myself... that is when I started getting better! I will second Maresie's Plan B. It helped me to not go mental that last year.
Bo said
Jun 2, 2020
PN, I can so empathize, and sympathize, with what you are facing, feeling, and going through. It took me 3 1/2 years to ultimately "leave" -- and I use the term "leave" loosely -- as many people might geographically leave, but emotionally, spiritually, financially, and in many other ways, they don't actually leave.
That said, all of the conflict, contradictions, love, etc. -- everything you are feeling -- is completely normal. However, not all of those feelings are rooted in reality. You might be feeling them, but they may not be real. Feelings are not facts. That said, these are the types of things, these are the types of discussions that you can and should have with your sponsor. Have them with the person who knows you, knows your story, knows the details of what's gone on, and the entire lifecycle of what you've gone through. Where you've come from and where you are.
This is a very critical juncture, perhaps the most important decision you will make. Even if you don't...the discussion will ebb and flow in that direction, and when it does, it should be your person, your sponsor, the best and most applicable person...for you to talk to.
You said this is too much for your own mental health. It has impacted your physical health as well. It has impacted you financially, and you ineligible for unemployment. Yes, silver lining, you now can clearly see, more clearly than before, that you didn't cause it, can't cure it, and can't control it, and that you can take care of you. So, that said, do that!!! Take care of YOU!!! Use that silver lining knowledge, or else it's good for nothing at all!
You are AT RISK vis a vis exposure as you have a compromised immune system and asthma. You are in the high/highest risk category with those two attributes.
All this being the case...You feel guilty as if you are betraying your AH...Feelings aren't facts. Work on that. Leave the world of denial, rationalization, justification, vacillation... and get grounded and grasp onto reality. He is not supposed to be open to discussion. He's an alcoholic!!! You cannot apply logic to an illogical person, situation, or disease! It also sounds like there may be some risk there as you said you are afraid that things could get ugly if you try to leave!!! And, you said, so for now you are waiting on silence. OK, so be it. You'll be ready when you'll be ready. You will get there when you will get there. Or will you? Perhaps. Maybe. Or is it denial? Paralysis by analysis? Are you subconsciously not getting there on purpose? This is where a sponsor is so very critical.
PN, look at your own signature tag line..."People suffer because they are caught in their views. As soon as we release those views, we are free and we don't suffer anymore."
All the best and stay safe!
tiredtonite said
Jun 2, 2020
Paloma, It does sound like you have been making self loving choices today. This is a very tough time all around and I know that I have been doing a lot of reflecting recently about past choices. I shared them with another in the program and lamented that I could be much farther ahead in my life had I done things differently. They admitted the same. I said that so many defects are what kept me stuck. You know.. long back in this program I heard "Look to the past but don't stare." It's a good reminder for me because I can't change the past only my response to present based on what I know to be true for me now. It's important for me to remember this at times when I reach for the hammer. I can resist self inflicted pain by using self care program tools instead.
I see so many proactive positive steps you've presently taken on behalf of yourself. It obvious that you love yourself enough to no longer let someone's alcoholism control your today or future. "The depression panic and anxiety over several years has made it very difficult to focus or get anything done."Paloma, maybe do what you can and accept what you can do as progress for today. Each of our higher powers guides us to the next right thing for our life. We are all just working Alanon one day at a time. When I feel ill at ease I will get ahead of my hp at those times. It can happen when I begin thinking too much about past decisions and feel a need to make up past mistakes, perceived failures, perceived lost time. It's as if I'm on a mission to make everything happen today to make up for yesterday. This is clearly trying to control outcomes rather than just doing what is in front of me and leavin outcomes in the hands of my higher power.
You're in the midst of making life changing decisions. You're finding support, resources and weighing options understanding what your desires are and needs to a reasonably content life. That's all really good stuff. One day at a time you can see where this all leads and how it all feels for you. You deserve the best you can give yourself. You're worth it. ((hugs)) TT
JerryF said
Jun 2, 2020
Aloha Paloma and thanks for the post. It reminds me of where I was at when I was there like yourself. I didn't know that I didn't know about the disease and was realistically, legally stuck. I had to learn and so what I agreed to do was go to face to face meetings each and every day for 90 days and listen and learn from the fellowship that came before me.
I learned so very much about alcoholism, the disease and the many and various ways it treated its victims such as I and what others were doing using the program to change the things they could. I learned about courage and then the courage to change the things I could and was satisfied at the outcomes I got which were not near as frightening as I first felt and encouraged me to act on them to earn different and better consequences than what I was already sick of.
Ours is a disease with medical, psychological, physical, spiritual and other solutions I had to learn how to be a different Jerry F which at times was very difficult and then very valuable to my life. I had to learn how to be happy by choice without outside influence alone. I had to discover that I had a wonderful, magical loving Higher Power that remains with me now at the moment looking over my shoulder as I share with you my ESH.
I learned about how to make decisions using mind, body, spirit and emotions and taking my time after time, after time and how to handle outcomes which had the characters of progress never perfection. My recovery is ongoing and at times when I feel it could be better I am reminded that my program is still working and not dead in the water.
Keep coming back....this works when we work it and that it has no guarantees. (((((hugs)))))
Iamhere said
Jun 2, 2020
Paloma - good to see you again and so very, very sorry for how you feel/see you! What I read/see is someone who is learning more and more each day about self and what self needs. Love hearing the three C(s) and that took me a long time to grasp as well. There is never any shame in loving another with this disease. It's extremely painful to watch the progression, and I really needed to get active in recovery to be able to get unstuck!
It was foreign to me and extremely uncomfortable to put me first. For so, so long, my days had been ruled by the disease and the diseased. My moods were dependent on the 'home atmosphere' and the rare moments of 'almost normal' gave me false sense of hope. Only when I made the choice to practice putting me first and align with recovery as best I could did I finally find my courage for bigger changes.
I did not have to leave as my AH ended up with severe heart disease that stifled his consumption greatly. He still has isms but so do I - I accept LTP today (Less Than Perfect) in self and others. My boys did have to leave for violation of rules, have been back and tried again and for now, are both out on their own and making it. Actually, they are both doing quite well and are completely self-sufficient which we all know can change on a dime if the disease rises up.
What recovery has truly taught me is I am powerless, completely, over any other person, place or thing. I can change me and I can choose joy and peace. I am willing to do whatever is necessary for those 2 priorities today and if that means departing for another location, home, city, state, country, I would. I also had guilt when I stopped managing, mothering, monitoring and enabling big time - which was a bit insane as doing for other adults what they should do for themselves isn't healthy for me - but I couldn't see that when I was in the midst of it all.
So, I do encourage you to take small steps, one day at a time to do for you, put you first and return the focus to you each time your mind wonders. It was not easy for me to change things up and took tons of practice yet I'm grateful I did. Small changes gave me courage and hope to keep exploring change, and before I knew it, I felt better, stronger, healthier and empowered to do for me vs. putting me last.
You've been missed - remember always - there's hope and help in recovery. Keep coming back - you're worth it!
Bo said
Jun 2, 2020
What you are NOT powerless over is deciding what is and what is not unacceptable behavior. What you are NOT powerless over is deciding whether you are a victim, or a volunteer. What you are NOT powerless over is feeling you are a doormat...and deciding to get up off the floor!
If you focus on YOU...you can get to a place where accept the PEOPLE you cannot change...you will have the courage to change the ONE you can...and you will have the wisdom to know it it YOU.
All the best.
Bettertomorrow said
Jun 3, 2020
Paloma Negra - I just want to reach out and offer you my support and understanding.
It sounds like you are in a really tough place, but you have also gained some great insights.
Like Mairsie and PnP have already said, having a plan B and even a plan C,D and E helped to keep me sane. Even when I felt I was totally trapped it helped me to remind myself that I always had options and could take the smallest of steps to move forward.
It can be hard not to feel disappointed but when I looked at what was under my own disappointment it was that I hadn't seen clearly up to that point - so in other words I was still hoping and wanting that things (he) would change. I had to finally reach my own understanding that it was me who needed to change and no-one else before I could move forwards and it feels like you have reached that place yourself. Rock bottom can feel like an awful place to be but ironically it is a beautiful place to be because for me that is where my true recovery really started.
Much love and hugs. Joanne
Paloma Negra said
Jun 3, 2020
Thank you everybody for the ESH. The spiritual advisor that I mentioned replied that he didn't know of any rental property but I did find a women's foundation and will be contacting them for assistance. I want to reply to all of you and will do so as soon as I'm able. It's touch and go right now and before I take decisive action I will be mapping out a few plans although at the last moment it could turn into a free fall. It'll be okay. Thanks again!
Iamhere said
Jun 4, 2020
Awesome that you've got a plan, just for today! I have faith that when I focus on doing the next right thing, more is revealed and the 'next step' evolves out of action. Take good care of you and love that you are seeking assistance from any/all resources. Keep us posted and keep coming back. Sending tons of positive energy, prayers and good vibes!
Maresie888 said
Jun 4, 2020
Getting some kind of financial income can really help. When I left the qualifier i had almost no income at all. I should have really applied for disabolity. Having someone who can advise you what to do about that is so essential. I have recently applied for disability short term. In this Covid time it is hext to impossible to get anything done. Leaving is a long job. That is why a plan b helped me. I squirreled away some money. I started over and it was extremely hard. I have had many hardships. I make better decisions when I am working this program
I found an ability to detach essential. Right now my detachment is focused on not being affected by others. That is extremely difficult to manage on an ongoing basis.
mamalioness said
Jun 5, 2020
Hi! I just wanted to stop in and give you some support and a hug. I know what it feels like to be in a financial bind and you dont know what to do so you stay in a sick relationship because you think that is the better thing to do, I have been there and I have done that and had I had my program, I wouldve just hunkered down and worked on myself and turn all of this over to my higher power for guidance as to what to do. Only you know what is best for you and I think when we hit our bottom is when we become the most open and willing for our higher power to come in and guide us and show us the way out of the misery we are in. Ive been where you are at and it is terrible and sad, please keep coming back and working Al-Anon because it does work. Al-Anon helped me discover who I really am and what I really want and where I want to be. Please keep coming back because you are worth it
I am sorry that you are so affected by this disease. It is truly a insidious, devastating disease. When I had reached my rock bottom... when I accepted I could not change someone else, only myself... that is when I started getting better! I will second Maresie's Plan B. It helped me to not go mental that last year.
That said, all of the conflict, contradictions, love, etc. -- everything you are feeling -- is completely normal. However, not all of those feelings are rooted in reality. You might be feeling them, but they may not be real. Feelings are not facts. That said, these are the types of things, these are the types of discussions that you can and should have with your sponsor. Have them with the person who knows you, knows your story, knows the details of what's gone on, and the entire lifecycle of what you've gone through. Where you've come from and where you are.
This is a very critical juncture, perhaps the most important decision you will make. Even if you don't...the discussion will ebb and flow in that direction, and when it does, it should be your person, your sponsor, the best and most applicable person...for you to talk to.
You said this is too much for your own mental health. It has impacted your physical health as well. It has impacted you financially, and you ineligible for unemployment. Yes, silver lining, you now can clearly see, more clearly than before, that you didn't cause it, can't cure it, and can't control it, and that you can take care of you. So, that said, do that!!! Take care of YOU!!! Use that silver lining knowledge, or else it's good for nothing at all!
You are AT RISK vis a vis exposure as you have a compromised immune system and asthma. You are in the high/highest risk category with those two attributes.
All this being the case...You feel guilty as if you are betraying your AH...Feelings aren't facts. Work on that. Leave the world of denial, rationalization, justification, vacillation... and get grounded and grasp onto reality. He is not supposed to be open to discussion. He's an alcoholic!!! You cannot apply logic to an illogical person, situation, or disease! It also sounds like there may be some risk there as you said you are afraid that things could get ugly if you try to leave!!! And, you said, so for now you are waiting on silence. OK, so be it. You'll be ready when you'll be ready. You will get there when you will get there. Or will you? Perhaps. Maybe. Or is it denial? Paralysis by analysis? Are you subconsciously not getting there on purpose? This is where a sponsor is so very critical.
PN, look at your own signature tag line..."People suffer because they are caught in their views. As soon as we release those views, we are free and we don't suffer anymore."
All the best and stay safe!
Paloma, It does sound like you have been making self loving choices today. This is a very tough time all around and I know that I have been doing a lot of reflecting recently about past choices. I shared them with another in the program and lamented that I could be much farther ahead in my life had I done things differently. They admitted the same. I said that so many defects are what kept me stuck. You know.. long back in this program I heard "Look to the past but don't stare." It's a good reminder for me because I can't change the past only my response to present based on what I know to be true for me now. It's important for me to remember this at times when I reach for the hammer. I can resist self inflicted pain by using self care program tools instead.
I see so many proactive positive steps you've presently taken on behalf of yourself. It obvious that you love yourself enough to no longer let someone's alcoholism control your today or future. "The depression panic and anxiety over several years has made it very difficult to focus or get anything done." Paloma, maybe do what you can and accept what you can do as progress for today. Each of our higher powers guides us to the next right thing for our life. We are all just working Alanon one day at a time. When I feel ill at ease I will get ahead of my hp at those times. It can happen when I begin thinking too much about past decisions and feel a need to make up past mistakes, perceived failures, perceived lost time. It's as if I'm on a mission to make everything happen today to make up for yesterday. This is clearly trying to control outcomes rather than just doing what is in front of me and leavin outcomes in the hands of my higher power.
You're in the midst of making life changing decisions. You're finding support, resources and weighing options understanding what your desires are and needs to a reasonably content life. That's all really good stuff. One day at a time you can see where this all leads and how it all feels for you. You deserve the best you can give yourself. You're worth it. ((hugs)) TT
Aloha Paloma and thanks for the post. It reminds me of where I was at when I was there like yourself. I didn't know that I didn't know about the disease and was realistically, legally stuck. I had to learn and so what I agreed to do was go to face to face meetings each and every day for 90 days and listen and learn from the fellowship that came before me.
I learned so very much about alcoholism, the disease and the many and various ways it treated its victims such as I and what others were doing using the program to change the things they could. I learned about courage and then the courage to change the things I could and was satisfied at the outcomes I got which were not near as frightening as I first felt and encouraged me to act on them to earn different and better consequences than what I was already sick of.
Ours is a disease with medical, psychological, physical, spiritual and other solutions I had to learn how to be a different Jerry F which at times was very difficult and then very valuable to my life. I had to learn how to be happy by choice without outside influence alone. I had to discover that I had a wonderful, magical loving Higher Power that remains with me now at the moment looking over my shoulder as I share with you my ESH.
I learned about how to make decisions using mind, body, spirit and emotions and taking my time after time, after time and how to handle outcomes which had the characters of progress never perfection. My recovery is ongoing and at times when I feel it could be better I am reminded that my program is still working and not dead in the water.
Keep coming back....this works when we work it and that it has no guarantees. (((((hugs)))))
It was foreign to me and extremely uncomfortable to put me first. For so, so long, my days had been ruled by the disease and the diseased. My moods were dependent on the 'home atmosphere' and the rare moments of 'almost normal' gave me false sense of hope. Only when I made the choice to practice putting me first and align with recovery as best I could did I finally find my courage for bigger changes.
I did not have to leave as my AH ended up with severe heart disease that stifled his consumption greatly. He still has isms but so do I - I accept LTP today (Less Than Perfect) in self and others. My boys did have to leave for violation of rules, have been back and tried again and for now, are both out on their own and making it. Actually, they are both doing quite well and are completely self-sufficient which we all know can change on a dime if the disease rises up.
What recovery has truly taught me is I am powerless, completely, over any other person, place or thing. I can change me and I can choose joy and peace. I am willing to do whatever is necessary for those 2 priorities today and if that means departing for another location, home, city, state, country, I would. I also had guilt when I stopped managing, mothering, monitoring and enabling big time - which was a bit insane as doing for other adults what they should do for themselves isn't healthy for me - but I couldn't see that when I was in the midst of it all.
So, I do encourage you to take small steps, one day at a time to do for you, put you first and return the focus to you each time your mind wonders. It was not easy for me to change things up and took tons of practice yet I'm grateful I did. Small changes gave me courage and hope to keep exploring change, and before I knew it, I felt better, stronger, healthier and empowered to do for me vs. putting me last.
You've been missed - remember always - there's hope and help in recovery. Keep coming back - you're worth it!
If you focus on YOU...you can get to a place where accept the PEOPLE you cannot change...you will have the courage to change the ONE you can...and you will have the wisdom to know it it YOU.
All the best.
Paloma Negra - I just want to reach out and offer you my support and understanding.
It sounds like you are in a really tough place, but you have also gained some great insights.
Like Mairsie and PnP have already said, having a plan B and even a plan C,D and E helped to keep me sane. Even when I felt I was totally trapped it helped me to remind myself that I always had options and could take the smallest of steps to move forward.
It can be hard not to feel disappointed but when I looked at what was under my own disappointment it was that I hadn't seen clearly up to that point - so in other words I was still hoping and wanting that things (he) would change. I had to finally reach my own understanding that it was me who needed to change and no-one else before I could move forwards and it feels like you have reached that place yourself. Rock bottom can feel like an awful place to be but ironically it is a beautiful place to be because for me that is where my true recovery really started.
Much love and hugs. Joanne