Today I realize that I still fall into brief periods of denial.When I am getting along ok with my husband and I am finding small things that I enjoy.If I have a good day,I tell myself that things are not so bad.For a brief time I can close my eyes to some truths about my life and myself.But then when he is being angry and verbally abusive and I start to feel like a victim,I go into self pity mode.I feel unappreciated and resentful for all the things I do for him.Usually that is all it takes to send me into a tailspin of despair and hopelessness.Once again I would feel trapped and usually I would start to cry.But today I am aware of this.As I was watering my plants and he was being insulting,wanting to 'get away from you',wanting to leave and go anywhere as long as it is away from me I felt myself start to slide.I felt like a child whose parent is telling them they are worthless and will never amount to anything.I felt that little girl's presence.Then I focused on my plants and I realized I am not a little girl.I am a woman,a strong woman who has dealt with alot in her life.I don't have to take this abuse.I just stopped talking to him because I could see it was going to turn into a blow up and I don't want that.Since I didn't engage he just stopped complaining.He got interested in some tv show.Part of his moods is the dementia.Part of it is his alcoholism.He has always tended to put me down.But I was working full time and interacted with alot of good people who treated me with respect,appreciated my intelligence,and praised my work.At home we kinda went our separate ways.Now we are retired and stuck together 24/7.His meetings have reopened but he won't go because he has to wear a mask and they sit 6 feet apart and it's just not what he was comfortable with.Same with church.He watches it on tv now.That's his choice and I can't change it,but I am more challenged now than ever to start to look at my own needs and learn to take care of myself.
I recently returned to Alanon.For the last 30 years I was in and out of the program but I know the steps by heart,have all the books and readers and some of it I never forgot.I just didn't work it.Well it does not work if you don't work it.I am only on step 2 right now but I am already seeing a change starting to form in me.I have started to buy small things for the house and for me,including new clothes and shoes.I'm making notes and planning things I want to do in my yard and around the outside of my house.I am realizing that my husband's opinion of me not only is none of my business but it also doesn't matter.I believe that I can still function as an independent woman,yes a caregiver for his dementia,but also a person in my own right.He can say all I do is try to run his life,nag,he doesn't trust me,he thinks I lie,that I want his money.(as if he had any).He can say whatever he wants,he can think whatever he wants.He is a separate person and has a right to believe what he wants.

BUT THAT DOES NOT CHANGE WHO I AM.

It says volumes about who HE is but that does not change ME,unless I let it.I would like to be free of him.I regret that I did not leave him back in 2007.But I will never mistreat him.As long as I can take care of him I will.He has nowhere else to go.I am not a mean person.Over the last 2 years after his diagnosis and having to retire to take care of him,I have been angry and resentful.I have yelled and slammed doors and cried my eyes out.I have been mad at God.Working step 2 now I have accepted that this is where I am and I must make the best of it.I am slowly being restored to sanity.I can have a better life even while I take care of him.There are resources out there.I am now ready to look into them and get help.As long as he is fed,warm,dry and clean.As long as he gets his doctor visits and takes his medicine he will be the best he can be physically.It's possible that as I take care of me and begin to have a better life,his life will also improve.I have no hopes that he will suddenly become a loving,caring man.He never was that.I accept who he is.I no longer have any desire to change him into what I want him to be,or what I thought he could be. What matters now is who am I? What kind of person do I want to be? My life and happiness does not depend on who HE is. It depends on who I am.As I said in another post I guess I am having to take the lead now.I think I can do it.

Iris

Iris thanks for the honest ESH.  I left the board to get dinner and do some service for my wife knowing I wanted to come back and finish reading your post.   Why!!?  because it approximates periods of time in my own recovery which had gone as you expressed your own.  The understanding is that we are both human beings under the force and pressure of an incurable fatal disease hoping to be seen by our Higher Powers as reliable positive tools that can be used for good and no longer extend the bad.  

During the years of working our program with my sponsor he stopped me and asked, "Instead of continuing to work on who your are lets also work on what you are because we have not ever acknowledged how your maleness has be affected".  He was right because I was beginning to see where my maleness was a failure at carrying out respect, courage, honesty, anger, and much more when I permitted the disease to place its hands and fingers around my throat.  The  work took a year and continues presently...as of today and I get to answer questions of why did I react/respond that way? to issues that I took as slights.  

I have learn a lot and taught a lot of men about how I found out the primitive behaviors responded to my thoughts and feelings even when my program gives me many alternatives and a Higher Power to abide with me.   Yes much more has been revealed including that I must also practice on a daily basis awareness and healing responses.  I struggled this afternoon with this example as my wife made choices that incited the "other" me.  I used it to grow in recovery...not easy and not fun but here I am without resentments and remaining in service to her.  I over  looked the situation and resentments and gave her a foot massage which she likes.  

More is being revealed for sure.   ((((Hugs))))  

Iris - thank you for sharing your thoughts! Such growth and potential are evident in your words!!

This Recovery thing really looks good on you! Keep moving forward. You know you have a challenging road ahead with care-taking a loved one with dementia... but in your words, I read that you are up for the challenge! Brava!!

&

Iris, You sound very ready for Step 2. You've surrendered, really seem to be be working the Serenity Prayer and are gaining greater peace and acceptance. There's an open space for hp.

As I grew with Alanon and my exah progressed in his addiction; he grew more angry due to loss of control over me. I'm glad you know that your husband's criticisms and anger are not about you even if the remarks feel personally directed. You have a lot of power over his well-being now and no doubt he senses his loss of control. The frustration with loss of cognitive and physical abilities can comes out sideways in anger towards you. He's becoming dependent and is likely frightened. He's fortunate to have someone who despite his past wrongs can separate the alcoholism and now the dementia from the person and offer loving care and compassion to him.

I like the way you're finding your joy in gardening and are excited about some purchases and how they will fit into your home. In fact, it reminded me to begin getting my own plants and create a little beauty outside my window. I hope when things get a little more balanced you'll be able to return to your face to face Alanon homegroup. It would be another outlet for breaking away for an hour, a chance to visit with program friends, get hugs and loving support. It can be really tough to be a caregiver to someone 24/7. Thanks for sharing. Keep coming back. (((hugs)) TT