Today's author in Courage to Change dislikes being hugged, and at the end of a meeting would scurry away to avoid it. Growing up, the only kinds of touch they experienced were negative. The Al-Anon members respected that boundary and continued to be warm, welcoming, and nonjudgmental. They sat with the author and shared their ESH, not forcing hugs on anyone. The author felt safe and nurtured, and is learning that there are many kinds of unconditional love.
The author shares, "Whether or not I express affection in a physical way, I can find reassurance, comfort, and strength whenever Al-Anon members offer me their support." The author is finding ways to express love for others as well.
Today's reminder: I will not let old fears keep me away from the support that is available to me. I am worthy of love and respect.
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I am so impressed with the author for sharing this story. Honesty about not wanting to be hugged -- in a fellowship where so many want to hold hands in a circle or hug one another -- takes courage. Admitting our fears takes courage. And I am impressed that the group did not pressure anyone to behave a certain way. This reading tells me that there is more than one way to give support and to be supported.
I have no problem with hugging, but as a recovering people-pleaser, I often just go along with what I perceive as others' expectations. That's been one of my defects for sure.
Recently in a meeting, the chair was a visitor from another area. After the traditional opening, the chairperson began calling on individuals by name to share. This really surprised me, because it is not the norm in the meetings I attend, and I had been planning to just listen. Anyhow, she eventually called on me -- I saw it coming because it wasn't a very large meeting, so she was going to get to everyone -- and I did share. I don't mind sharing, I like to do so when I feel I have something that would help me or others, but this time I was really doing it to be the "good student." A couple of people declined to share, but not me -- I'm so agreeable!
Later it occurred to me that this could have been an opportunity to practice one of my weakest skills -- saying no. I'm going to try to remember, if this happens again, to practice by saying "I'd just like to listen today." That would be a big step for me. I know how important it is to be of service in the program -- but I also have to be of service to myself.
MIP friends, how do you feel about getting out of your comfort zone?
a4l said
May 15, 2020
Great topic and great share. Thank you for your service.
First alanon experience came by way of a family trust set up especially for us on this side of the fence. It included an outpatient treatment programme, three nights a week, with the serenity prayer and hand holding. I was so so so uncomfortable with the hand holding at the beginning I asked if I could not do it. Serenity prayer fine. Hand holding please no. My beautiful group in solidarity all left the hand holding out of the serenity prayer. Once it felt genuinely possible to me I said so and the hand holding recommenced. And it meant so much more I think for our whole group, for that point in time we were a family trying our best to support each others recovery. Give and take.
Me, I believe in sincerity. I believe in the sacredness of personal physical, and emotional space where only the trusted are permitted to enter.
Comfort zones for me are closely linked to ethics and principles. I'll step out of mine 9 out of ten times to defend either or both.
But as I get older I'm trying to balance out self care. I check motivations. Am I fighting for the sake of fighting (possible self sabotage), fighting for my ego, fighting because its the right thing to do?
I think checking motivations will always lead to whether or not leaving the comfort zone is called for. Anytime leaving that zone compromises personal recovery goals, like saying no as a means of healthy self care, then don't leave it. My recovery and my well being come first. The reverse is also true. When the comfort zone compromises my recovery, its time to step out. But its a comfort zone for a reason. Its comfortable until it isn't; some go to extraordinary lengths to shrink selves to stay fitting. Such is the path to stasis; in nature what doesn't grow is dead.
Jill said
May 15, 2020
It's so important to me in this pandemic. I don't want to get sick again. I used to go along, the easier people pleasing way.
Now I go out of my way if someone gets too close. I move. This is new behavior for me.
Just as the other behaviors I've learned here, I believe they're saving my life. So grateful!
Lyne said
May 15, 2020
Thank you FT for your service and all above shares are important to me. Since being an alanon member I have resigned from the doormat club. I am trying to say "no" whenever I need or want to. With my A, I have to practice being true to myself, say what I mean without being mean, and not engage in useless, alcoholic insanity which recently I did. For those of us who grew up in an unstable, unpredictable environment, and where there was no emphasis on having a self (let alone a strong self), it has been a monumental task to learn to be a grown up that I now need to protect and can. Life continues to provide me with opportunities to grow, change, and heal. That's what I love about our program--it encourages me to be me. Lyne
Iamhere said
May 15, 2020
Thank you Freetime for your service and the daily! Thanks to all for your shares and ESH. I'm a bit claustrophobic, was abused physically and more in my first relationship and also am a survivor of sexual assault.....bottom line, I am not a general 'hugger' - I've got to become comfortable with another before I'm willing...as one who tries to find humor often, I just told my brother the other day that I've spent 50+ years of my life avoiding hugs and then decided perhaps I was being too closed off. So, they last few years, I've been more willing/receptive/embracing of hugs with other women - golf, softball, recovery, etc. and now with this darn pandemic - I'm going right back to the 'before'!
When I left my parents house Monday morning, we could not hug. I had been there 2 weeks, kept my distance as they both were positive for Covid, we wore gloves/masks. As I packed up my car and got ready to go, it was just so painful to experience that I could not hug them. We all understood but that didn't make it feel good at all.
I cried for the first 2 hours of my drive, simply because it's always hard to leave them or watch them leave. They are 85 and I just never know if this will be the last time I see one/both of them. As much as I resist hugging in general and how uncomfortable it makes me, that's not so with the folks! I hope I get to hug them again soon.
Authenticity is grand! We each get to do what works for us. I have a gal pal in recovery who's from the South. She hugs everyone - new members, old members, men, women, etc. She's completely at peace with it and I just watch in amazement because it's so far removed from my own comfort zone! To each their own - eh?
Happy Friday all - I've got an online meeting in an hour that I'm looking forward to. Make it a great evening...(((Hugs)))
Maresie888 said
May 15, 2020
Thank you freetime for your service
Stepping out of my comfort zone is hard to do. I have been sick for a few days.
I am in phase 2 of moving.
I have to move out of the house I have been living in for four months
As I was ill before and didnt know it all the prep work I needes to do did not get done
Normally I would be full of resentment.
I would also be full of longing to have a different kind of life
Today I am taking responsibility to get this done in the next few days. I have to move on with my prioroties. As I am sick I am taking some time off. Thar means I can make this my number one goal
I want to be able to dream of other visions
Letting go of resentment is very hard for me. So is the sense of being victimized.
As I have been real physically sick this past month or so (and working too) I am willing to do that.
I dont know if I ever was willing before
Today's author in Courage to Change dislikes being hugged, and at the end of a meeting would scurry away to avoid it. Growing up, the only kinds of touch they experienced were negative. The Al-Anon members respected that boundary and continued to be warm, welcoming, and nonjudgmental. They sat with the author and shared their ESH, not forcing hugs on anyone. The author felt safe and nurtured, and is learning that there are many kinds of unconditional love.
The author shares, "Whether or not I express affection in a physical way, I can find reassurance, comfort, and strength whenever Al-Anon members offer me their support." The author is finding ways to express love for others as well.
Today's reminder: I will not let old fears keep me away from the support that is available to me. I am worthy of love and respect.
--------------------------------------------
I am so impressed with the author for sharing this story. Honesty about not wanting to be hugged -- in a fellowship where so many want to hold hands in a circle or hug one another -- takes courage. Admitting our fears takes courage. And I am impressed that the group did not pressure anyone to behave a certain way. This reading tells me that there is more than one way to give support and to be supported.
I have no problem with hugging, but as a recovering people-pleaser, I often just go along with what I perceive as others' expectations. That's been one of my defects for sure.
Recently in a meeting, the chair was a visitor from another area. After the traditional opening, the chairperson began calling on individuals by name to share. This really surprised me, because it is not the norm in the meetings I attend, and I had been planning to just listen. Anyhow, she eventually called on me -- I saw it coming because it wasn't a very large meeting, so she was going to get to everyone -- and I did share. I don't mind sharing, I like to do so when I feel I have something that would help me or others, but this time I was really doing it to be the "good student." A couple of people declined to share, but not me -- I'm so agreeable!
Later it occurred to me that this could have been an opportunity to practice one of my weakest skills -- saying no. I'm going to try to remember, if this happens again, to practice by saying "I'd just like to listen today." That would be a big step for me. I know how important it is to be of service in the program -- but I also have to be of service to myself.
MIP friends, how do you feel about getting out of your comfort zone?
Now I go out of my way if someone gets too close. I move. This is new behavior for me.
Just as the other behaviors I've learned here, I believe they're saving my life. So grateful!
When I left my parents house Monday morning, we could not hug. I had been there 2 weeks, kept my distance as they both were positive for Covid, we wore gloves/masks. As I packed up my car and got ready to go, it was just so painful to experience that I could not hug them. We all understood but that didn't make it feel good at all.
I cried for the first 2 hours of my drive, simply because it's always hard to leave them or watch them leave. They are 85 and I just never know if this will be the last time I see one/both of them. As much as I resist hugging in general and how uncomfortable it makes me, that's not so with the folks! I hope I get to hug them again soon.
Authenticity is grand! We each get to do what works for us. I have a gal pal in recovery who's from the South. She hugs everyone - new members, old members, men, women, etc. She's completely at peace with it and I just watch in amazement because it's so far removed from my own comfort zone! To each their own - eh?
Happy Friday all - I've got an online meeting in an hour that I'm looking forward to. Make it a great evening...(((Hugs)))