Poco a poco, paso a paso, día por día...

Looking forwards. I was stuck, badly stuck, in a dark space. Lost. Not anger- rage! Not fear- terrified. And I had every reason to be.

Our AF got to pass away in his own home 20 years ago. I had paid all the bills. He paid his own power bill, but that was all. He got sober the day he died.

I used to call this individual "the old man". And spit these words out the corner of my mouth. And I had every reason too.

Today I have made my peace with my mum and dad- and brothers and sister. It wasn't easy, I can tell you!

Our dad disinherited me. I was forced out of our home and off of the property. I was the only family member who kept the farm together. This was right through an era- where part of the farm was taken to create a hydro-electric dam.

I decided that dad had let me go- because he knew I could keep up on my own. Not all that likely, at all- but it did give me some motivation.

One brother used his inheritance wisely. Our mum and dad had been divorced for years. Our mum had worked in treatment centres for some of that time- and I counted her as a wise counsel. A broth and a sister were gambling addicts- and in a whole heap of trouble. Mum leaned on dad to get them some money out of the property- because she figured- if they had some money they would not have to gamble.

These two lost everything... and it was gutwrenching to see all my hard-earned efforts go down the toilet.

So I worked my butt off for 20 years- to try and provide for our old age. I was fortunate I lived in a district where things were going ahead- and we managed.

it was touch and go, for a while but we succeeded.

I predicted an economic downturn- but not how it was going to happen. Our business was insulated against this eventuality. We have had to make some sacrifice, as expected- but not to lose everything.

Funny thing is the efforts seem more like those of a young couple. So these efforts bought us together, after years of estrangement.

I had to go offshore to keep up with my Alanon and ACA.

When I finished full-time work I was broken, and could hardly dress or undress myself. But slowly I got a lot of my ability back.

Over the last few years i went into ACA a lot more and the theories around C-PTSD.

I got professional help- which restored hearing and got my breathing into some sort of functional order.

Along with spiritual help- physical and emotional- I felt that having some  economic help was also essential. Much of my early life was all about making two ends meet- and sometimes they didn't.  

Being virtually debt free is a great asset.

And this reduces terror, and anxiety... shame and the trauma that traps it in the body. 

Doing steps 10, 11, and 12 is a great thing to do.

Doing a step 1 is always available- but the times between doing a step 12 to Step 1 gets longer and longer, thankfully.  ...

I love Alanon as a maintenance programme. 

I have done a fair bit of journalling, bt prefer to share in a group setting, where there is a lot going on. It keeps me involved, and engaged.  ...

I get on well with AA, NA and Alanon, having been around them for over half of my life.

My goal, with my higher power, was to be a good example of 12 Step recovery.

Thanks for the share,

              ...

  ...reading the thread about how alcoholism's disease...

I don't disagree with what is being said there. I decided not to cross-talk- with that speaker deserving to be heard.and the topic to rediscussed- as it is.

I don't think i am coming from a different angle, being an adult child. Because i don't think there is a different angle.

My SO is an occupational therapist and set up a treatment centre in the deep south of this country. [It may well still be going].

But once set up she was subject to urban capture. Two people- who maybe saw salary and prestige in such a venture- shoved her right out!

I met her through mum at mum's second wedding.

She lived in a shabby old house with no lawns or gardening done- with a burnt out car in the yard, I could relate to that environment.

My SO is a lovely person- aunty and grandma. But to me she has always been angry and hostile.

Her family was Methodist with fairly strict rules. Like me she lost two uncle veterans to suicide. Something never ever talked about in the family. Her dad had died when I met SO. The later photos I saw of hm he had a smoke in one hand and a beer in the other. Her folks split up when she was 11.

I am not doing her inventory here! I hope not.

I did  some community work placement once- and did a 2 week internship in that southern treatment centre, They gave me an E pass.

Partly a case of me not being able to communicate well. But also, maybe a bit of pay-back- for my SO being in the way of their career.

My dad's stepfather was a doctor. he was a binge drinker- bi-polar and a womaniser- or at least tried to be. I knew this all through my mum. I saw him as a kind gentle scholarly person. When he died we did not get to go to his funeral. Typical of the day.

My dad was an only child and was caught up- obviously in the middle of the old eternal triangle!

I am a granddad now too... I have seen it all- or so it seems. I have gotten to know a lot of remarkable people- through being in the rooms. And this spreads out now- into my community, and community of interest.

Delving into these matters helps me. To say this out loud gives me traction.  

Thanks...  ...

Step One: Admitted that I was powerless over clutter and procrastination- and that my life had become unmanageable.

It does make my life unmanageable- and it feeds my shame.

I actually completed a task- and gave myself some computer time- as a reward.

I was pulling up couch weed- and I actually completed the task. it is Friday afternoon.

I don't really have to include my working notes, and random swirling thoughts here.  ...

 ...