My AH interrupted a business meeting between me and a coworker. I could not continue the mtg bc AH would not go away. I got off the meeting and AH proceeded to accuse me of thinking of leaving AH for coworker. This is about as rooted in reality as me having an affair with a giraffe. It took absurd amounts of energy to not start a fight. I just decided to wait it out until he would pass out. It didn't take very long. Thank goodness for small mercies.
Since I was not able to finish the time sensitive project with my coworker, I am now in a position where I will have to be up before dawn to be ready for an 8am deadline. I am not happy about this.
I am just writing this here bc I am determined not to let this destroy my day. I am expressing myself here and then I am going to get out of the house to exercise. I told the kids I would cone back in a short time and get them food. The weather is spectacular outside. My kids are ok. I am ok. I cannot allow AH to take this from me. I will try to sweat my anger out. (If that were really possible I would be a supermodel, so its too bad its not.)
Thats all. Thank you for listening.
Maresie888 said
May 3, 2020
I am so sorry to hear this. My qualifer who brought me into this program caused me many embarasments.
I admire your resolve. I let many a day be ruined. I worked nyself into the ground many times to keep things going. One of my issues at the currenf time is fatigue from working si much. The money is very useful but the fatigue is debilitatng. This week i am working a shorter week. I am going to remain on a shorter week all month.
I think it is really great you can come here and be honest about this chaos. No one deserves that.
Maresie
Freetime said
May 3, 2020
Fedora, I hope you had a great time exercising outside. I remember doing the same at times like this. It might not make us supermodels, but it does help calm down the nervous system.
I am sorry your day has been thrown upside-down. I think you are very strong, and I know you are not alone.
Bo said
May 4, 2020
So goes the day in a life of living with a loved on who is an alcoholic...
I too used to have to put forth an absurd amount of energy, self-control, discipline, and who knows what else, simply to not get sucked into the drama, chaos, and turmoil of a fight and/or arguement. Far too ironic -- but I learned in my experience that the alcoholic thrives on this!!! It is their only release to the emotion and unhappiness, to which they live in denial. Being the direct and collateral damage to their disease, I used to feel this is not fair.
Today, living a life of recovery...I feel so different. For that I am grateful. I am actually glad when I have the rare occasion slip, which usually lasts from 5 to 15 seconds before I realize, catch myself, snap back to today's healthy and happy me, and then I move on.
I love how you are not happy about this but are determined to NOT let this destroy your day!!! Keep it up!!! Great job and thank you for sharing the insight and perspective!
tiredtonite said
May 4, 2020
Hi Fedora, Sorry you're going through this. From your post you seem to know how to keep taking care of yourself in adverse circumstances keeping emotional balance by getting out in beautiful weather to take a run. I really laughed about giraffe comment. It was so spot on about the disease in action. ( no pun intended )
These current times of more remote work and the pandemic bring with them a whole new set of problems particularly with videoconferencing. Best of luck with your deadline. You'll do what you need to I've no doubt to keep taking care of yourself.
Great reminder through your actions for me to adjust myself when something comes in sideways to my day and not let a disappointment become my higher power. It does not have to rule my day. (((hugs)) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Monday 4th of May 2020 09:55:48 AM
Fedora said
May 4, 2020
Hi everyone. It was a long evening/night. I DID go on my run and while I Did spend at least the first 1/4 fantasizing about AH being dead, eventually I was able to to get back to my thinking only about me. The weather was truly perfect for being outdoors. That turned out to be the highlight of my day. Unfortunately, just as I was about to settle in for the evening, the AH woke up and started a fight. This time I did not do so well about staying out of it. I think he purposefully derailed my ability to sleep. So I ended up not making it to work early enough, and now I am scrambling.
His "I'm a victim, you're crazy" dance makes me so tired.
Now he is sending me "I'm so wounded" messages at work. UGH. Bo, if the "alcoholic thrives on the drama", then my AH is ready for the Olympics. He keeps saying he wants to "work on us" but he refuses counseling. He also refuses to see my point of view. And (to be fair) I refuse to see his point of view. Frankly I think engaging in any conversation with him is a waste of time. I told him as much and well, it's a day later and I've had only 4 hrs of sleep.
I'm mentally steeling myself for the return back to my house. He just wrote me again that number of his students quit. Even on good days, that sends him into a tailspin, but since he was already starting with a bad day, if he's not stone cold passed out drunk when I get back, I'm going to be surprised. (I'm really hoping for that. Because if he is awake at all, he's going to be a blubbering mess and my day is going to get even more unpleasant.)
I did tell my kids that since I had to go to office today. they would be on their own for food and stuff today. I know at least one of them was up all night playing video games but I decided that if they are asleep for much of the day when I am not in the house, it's just better for them. The less interaction with drunk dad, the better. I probably need to bring them some food; I'm sure AH will not have thought of feeding them.
-- Edited by Fedora on Monday 4th of May 2020 05:16:36 PM
Temple said
May 4, 2020
Bless your heart Fedora!
Thank you for the share. And I love the responses.
Just had a funny thought--how can somebody who can barely function be preternaturally good at starting a fight and keeping it going? How unfair is that?
Temple
Fedora said
May 4, 2020
Temple - YES. WHAT KIND OF irony IS that? The only thing he can do on a consistent basis, and regardless of how much booze he has ingested, is continue a fight. If he could apply that kind of functionality to any other part of his life, he would probably be a well person.
Oh well. Back to my databases..
thanks for listening.
Bo said
May 4, 2020
"Bo, if the "alcoholic thrives on the drama", then my AH is ready for the Olympics." -- I hear you!!! He would have been my wife's teammate on that Olympic team!!! LOL.
My wife too said all she wanted to do was "work on us" but she too refused counseling -- and she finally admitted because she didn't need or want a therapist to "blame" all of our problems on her drinking and/or to have the therapist "suggest" or "state" that she had a drinking problem. Oh, OK, I understand now. Hmmmmm. OK. Well, how about this...THE TRUTH HURTS! AND YOU DON'T WANT TO QUIT! SO THAT'S WHY YOU REFUSE. Until that point, you get to be right and you get to do what you want to do and that is drink!!!
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
mamalioness said
May 4, 2020
((((((((((((((((((((Fedora))))))))))))))))))))) I hear ya, my friend...i'm living with an OA who is NOT working her program and is driving me nuts with her disregard for the stuff I worked my A** off to get....i am having to "take away" one thing after another so she does not ruin it with not cleaning, or just carelessness......I was thinking after my post, I am not going to let this "high maintenance" albatross whose rent money I NEED right now, ruin my serenity.....SOMETHING will come up for me just have to do a step 3 BIGGIE
Maresie888 said
May 5, 2020
I most certainly know the fighting. The roommare who I have been staying with dumpedbon me twice in two weeks. The last one was a humdinger
I believe you are working a fiercesome program.
I will be out from under that roommate shortly in a week or so. I cannt wait.
I also understand the issue with bringing money in. I have beeb working into the ground. Two sets if moves one outta my aoartment the second back into my aoartment. Incredibly time consumjng
The rennovation sapped up 6 months of my time
6 months .
I hope you will guve yourself some resoite.
I know I am at the point of total exhaustion
Fedora said
May 5, 2020
Hi there. Tonight when I came home I put out food for the kids and AH and then went to my upstairs "office" to do a last teaching activity (online) for a student who is overseas. While I was in the middle of that, AH and kids must of had some talk; he interrupted me AGAIN (luckily at the very very end of the activity) with a loud statement of "Your Children Need You" (making sure all my coworker and student could hear - thank god for the Mute button on Zoom). When I came downstairs all 3 of them were crying. I guess AH had told them we might get a divorce. Had I thought he was actually telling them we were going to do that, I would have called this a banner day. But he wasn't being serious. He only wanted to frighten them and make it my fault. I had to comfort everyone and assure them "mama loves everybody" but the fact of the matter is now my anger at AH is at an even higher level than it was before.
I have been chewing on how I'm going to navigate this new level of stupid, and I'm not sure. If I have a sit down with the kids and tell them that daddy is playing them like a violin, I don't know they would understand that. In their mind, there is no other way to have parents. (Your mama works, your daddy "stays in bed all day and sometimes falls down".) If I do nothing, I think it's also not a kindness. Awhile back my counselor told me that children know everything, even if they don't have the words to describe it.
I feel like I need to find a counselor again. (My old one was part of a practice that folded up and everyone went away so I can't just go back.) I was reading a little bit from an alateen page (from the conference literature) and I'm wondering how to figure out what my kids would benefit from most. I don't want them to grow up thinking that their behavior has anything to do with their dad's life. So far I don't *think* that has occurred. I haven't wanted them to get involved with things because I just wanted them to be kids and only worry about fighting over who played with which toy more. When AH had his seizure and spent a week in the hospital, we had some brief talks. On the surface they seem to understand that "daddy has a problem". But apparently he told the little one that "daddy inherited it, so it's not really his fault" (literal quote from younger kid). I think I've been deluding myself, just hoping I could keep this contained to AH and me.
I guess I'm thinking back to my own childhood. My dad was a smoker and I really wanted him to quit. I remember my uncles were smokers (heck, wasn't everyone back in the day) and my cousins and I would try to gang up on them as a group (during childhood reunions) and beg, plead, conspire against them in hopes that they would quit. (Hey, that sounds kind of familiar.) Eventually I felt anxious and frustrated about my dad's health. I know now that that was useless, and I wish my children wouldn't waste one minute of their lives on that.
(In a good turn, all the uncles and my dad eventually quit smoking. And in a highly ironic and unpleasant way, everything I feared regarding my dad's health came true. He required a bypass, had a massive stroke that unfortunately left him just alive enough that he lived for 9 more years with half of his body paralyzed and unable to communicate. I hope my kids don't have to tell the same story about Their dad. But at the rate we're going, that may be unavoidable.)
-- Edited by Fedora on Tuesday 5th of May 2020 02:51:04 AM
I am sorry your day has been thrown upside-down. I think you are very strong, and I know you are not alone.
I too used to have to put forth an absurd amount of energy, self-control, discipline, and who knows what else, simply to not get sucked into the drama, chaos, and turmoil of a fight and/or arguement. Far too ironic -- but I learned in my experience that the alcoholic thrives on this!!! It is their only release to the emotion and unhappiness, to which they live in denial. Being the direct and collateral damage to their disease, I used to feel this is not fair.
Today, living a life of recovery...I feel so different. For that I am grateful. I am actually glad when I have the rare occasion slip, which usually lasts from 5 to 15 seconds before I realize, catch myself, snap back to today's healthy and happy me, and then I move on.
I love how you are not happy about this but are determined to NOT let this destroy your day!!! Keep it up!!! Great job and thank you for sharing the insight and perspective!
Hi Fedora, Sorry you're going through this. From your post you seem to know how to keep taking care of yourself in adverse circumstances keeping emotional balance by getting out in beautiful weather to take a run. I really laughed about giraffe comment. It was so spot on about the disease in action. ( no pun intended )
These current times of more remote work and the pandemic bring with them a whole new set of problems particularly with videoconferencing. Best of luck with your deadline. You'll do what you need to I've no doubt to keep taking care of yourself.
Great reminder through your actions for me to adjust myself when something comes in sideways to my day and not let a disappointment become my higher power. It does not have to rule my day. (((hugs)) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Monday 4th of May 2020 09:55:48 AM
Hi everyone. It was a long evening/night. I DID go on my run and while I Did spend at least the first 1/4 fantasizing about AH being dead, eventually I was able to to get back to my thinking only about me. The weather was truly perfect for being outdoors. That turned out to be the highlight of my day. Unfortunately, just as I was about to settle in for the evening, the AH woke up and started a fight. This time I did not do so well about staying out of it. I think he purposefully derailed my ability to sleep. So I ended up not making it to work early enough, and now I am scrambling.
His "I'm a victim, you're crazy" dance makes me so tired.
Now he is sending me "I'm so wounded" messages at work. UGH. Bo, if the "alcoholic thrives on the drama", then my AH is ready for the Olympics. He keeps saying he wants to "work on us" but he refuses counseling. He also refuses to see my point of view. And (to be fair) I refuse to see his point of view. Frankly I think engaging in any conversation with him is a waste of time. I told him as much and well, it's a day later and I've had only 4 hrs of sleep.
I'm mentally steeling myself for the return back to my house. He just wrote me again that number of his students quit. Even on good days, that sends him into a tailspin, but since he was already starting with a bad day, if he's not stone cold passed out drunk when I get back, I'm going to be surprised. (I'm really hoping for that. Because if he is awake at all, he's going to be a blubbering mess and my day is going to get even more unpleasant.)
I did tell my kids that since I had to go to office today. they would be on their own for food and stuff today. I know at least one of them was up all night playing video games but I decided that if they are asleep for much of the day when I am not in the house, it's just better for them. The less interaction with drunk dad, the better. I probably need to bring them some food; I'm sure AH will not have thought of feeding them.
-- Edited by Fedora on Monday 4th of May 2020 05:16:36 PM
Thank you for the share. And I love the responses.
Just had a funny thought--how can somebody who can barely function be preternaturally good at starting a fight and keeping it going? How unfair is that?
Temple
Oh well. Back to my databases..
thanks for listening.
My wife too said all she wanted to do was "work on us" but she too refused counseling -- and she finally admitted because she didn't need or want a therapist to "blame" all of our problems on her drinking and/or to have the therapist "suggest" or "state" that she had a drinking problem. Oh, OK, I understand now. Hmmmmm. OK. Well, how about this...THE TRUTH HURTS! AND YOU DON'T WANT TO QUIT! SO THAT'S WHY YOU REFUSE. Until that point, you get to be right and you get to do what you want to do and that is drink!!!
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Hi there. Tonight when I came home I put out food for the kids and AH and then went to my upstairs "office" to do a last teaching activity (online) for a student who is overseas. While I was in the middle of that, AH and kids must of had some talk; he interrupted me AGAIN (luckily at the very very end of the activity) with a loud statement of "Your Children Need You" (making sure all my coworker and student could hear - thank god for the Mute button on Zoom). When I came downstairs all 3 of them were crying. I guess AH had told them we might get a divorce. Had I thought he was actually telling them we were going to do that, I would have called this a banner day. But he wasn't being serious. He only wanted to frighten them and make it my fault. I had to comfort everyone and assure them "mama loves everybody" but the fact of the matter is now my anger at AH is at an even higher level than it was before.
I have been chewing on how I'm going to navigate this new level of stupid, and I'm not sure. If I have a sit down with the kids and tell them that daddy is playing them like a violin, I don't know they would understand that. In their mind, there is no other way to have parents. (Your mama works, your daddy "stays in bed all day and sometimes falls down".) If I do nothing, I think it's also not a kindness. Awhile back my counselor told me that children know everything, even if they don't have the words to describe it.
I feel like I need to find a counselor again. (My old one was part of a practice that folded up and everyone went away so I can't just go back.) I was reading a little bit from an alateen page (from the conference literature) and I'm wondering how to figure out what my kids would benefit from most. I don't want them to grow up thinking that their behavior has anything to do with their dad's life. So far I don't *think* that has occurred. I haven't wanted them to get involved with things because I just wanted them to be kids and only worry about fighting over who played with which toy more. When AH had his seizure and spent a week in the hospital, we had some brief talks. On the surface they seem to understand that "daddy has a problem". But apparently he told the little one that "daddy inherited it, so it's not really his fault" (literal quote from younger kid). I think I've been deluding myself, just hoping I could keep this contained to AH and me.
I guess I'm thinking back to my own childhood. My dad was a smoker and I really wanted him to quit. I remember my uncles were smokers (heck, wasn't everyone back in the day) and my cousins and I would try to gang up on them as a group (during childhood reunions) and beg, plead, conspire against them in hopes that they would quit. (Hey, that sounds kind of familiar.) Eventually I felt anxious and frustrated about my dad's health. I know now that that was useless, and I wish my children wouldn't waste one minute of their lives on that.
(In a good turn, all the uncles and my dad eventually quit smoking. And in a highly ironic and unpleasant way, everything I feared regarding my dad's health came true. He required a bypass, had a massive stroke that unfortunately left him just alive enough that he lived for 9 more years with half of his body paralyzed and unable to communicate. I hope my kids don't have to tell the same story about Their dad. But at the rate we're going, that may be unavoidable.)
-- Edited by Fedora on Tuesday 5th of May 2020 02:51:04 AM