Boundaries are in tact. Feeling peaceful as heck on this gorgeous day. AH tried to come home from rehab a week ago, skipping sober living. I told him I didnt feel comfortable because of how busy I am, working from home, having my daughter at home doing school, and quite frankly I didnt have the bandwidth to be what he might require given the stress of the stay at home order. I heard the assist of rehab in his response but he agreed it was best to revisit a return home at a point later in his recovery. He left rehab and went elsewhere with support us all he said. Since then I received a couple of totally inappropriate emails filled with insults rage and anger. I also received a ranting text yesterday because I decided to stop communicating after the blistering emails with the same tone as well as a lot of self pity at being left to die alone (he is healthy) instead of seeing an opportunity to do the work himself on his own to get to a better place. Today I wake up refreshed and in a great place. The detachment with love taking hold making me think I should send a text with a nice message of hope for him even if just a sentence. Then I caught myself. Am I out of my mind? What would I expect his response to be? Oh, lovely of you. Thanks for thinking of me and have a great day yourself. It was more like... let me see what happens if I step in front of this speeding train...! I examined my intentions. I do wish I could wish him well, but that isnt where we are. I wish I could dissolve the ugliness with a kind word but maybe that isnt realistic. Perhaps there is a absurd wish for a situation that isnt realistic (an apology). Maybe communicating at all at this minute is just asking for another ride on the merry go round. Im not going to get in touch. The question I am asking myself in stead of taking action is, why would I want to get back in touch with someone who just wrote all of those things to me at all? Whats the next best thing to do? Let go and let god.
Bo said
May 3, 2020
I do wish I could wish him well, but that isnt where we are. I wish I could dissolve the ugliness with a kind word but maybe that isnt realistic. Perhaps there is a absurd wish for a situation that isnt realistic (an apology).
"Maybe communicating at all at this minute is just asking for another ride on the merry go round." -- Sure it is!!! LOL.
"I'm not going to get in touch." -- Smart, healthy decision...smart and healthy for YOU, for your overall well-being.
"The question I am asking myself in stead of taking action is, why would I want to get back in touch with someone who just wrote all of those things to me at all?" -- You wouldn't want to get back in touch with someone who just wrote all of those things, and who is obviously not being healthy! Just for today...no, don't get in touch, don't reply to the nasty, mean, hostile texts/emails. Just for today.
While you wish to wish him well, you are so right, you couldn't be more right -- that isn't where you (the two of you) are. You might be there, but he is not. Just for today. He is incapable of "receiving" good wishes, compassion, well meaning words, and so on. He is not healthy. He made his decision...what he wanted was to not go to sober living. His recovery, his staying clean and sober WAS NOT WHAT HE WANTED... and what he wanted was more important than sobriety, recovery, etc. He made his decision. And that's OK...and YOU let him. You did the next right thing in front of you.
Keep up the great work!!!
tiredtonite said
May 3, 2020
Sunmustshine, you're doing a great job with personal boundaries and working Alanon. Life's continued while he's been in rehab and there are some priorities such as your work and her schooling. I went through this with my exah. I was studying for my exams and about to graduate with high honors. I didn't want him disrupting that a relapse, arrest, overdose etc. I thought my god, why now! I remember getting on the phone with his rehab counselor and asking if they could please keep him a bit longer. He went to his mother's. Truth be told, he never really left her but that's a story for another time Anyway, you are honoring your own needs and those of your daughter. You are both living responsibly but not sure if he will live responsibly. Work and school are very important.
He sounds like he still has some self centerness to work through. You're right, the remorse isn't there. The apology may not come. But you know what? Pffft! You took care of you and your girl.
I remember having those days of feeling so free while my ex was recovering elsewhere and in somebody else's hands. Good for you that you are enjoying the beautiful weather. We are having it here too. It's been an awesome Spring day here. And you're right, what would you get by texting him or calling him? You know ... going to the hardware store looking for bread. You probably know that Alanon reading that compares alcoholics who are not working recovery to pigeons sitting in trees over our heads. Pigeons do what pigeons do it tells us. So yes, you are smart not to contract him and set yourself up for disappointment. I hope the analogy made you laugh a little. I understand where you are coming from. The longing to share good things and love not be conditioned on them getting their way. But you did the right thing and even if it hurts a bit now you've likely dodged a lot more hurt and aggravation that may have come from choosing him over yourself. Trust me, he may not like it, but he knows you mean business and respects you more for not buying into his bs. Enjoy the rest of your day. You're worth it! (((hugs)) TT
Maresie888 said
May 3, 2020
I think rehab has a lot of problems.
They set up this expectation that people will be #there# for them.
These times are extraordinary in recovery.
Really hard. There are also extrardinary hard for the rest of us. I know I am really #run down#.
Saying #no# to an addict is a hard one
Taking care of ourselves in this pandemic is really hard. The stresses are enormous
I am glad you are sble to sst limits
I am glad you are here
Maresie
sunmustshine said
May 3, 2020
Im glad im here and SO glad youre all here. Thanks so much for validation, and support. Much love.
JerryF said
May 3, 2020
What worked well for me was a sponsor I could listen to and follow the suggestions of. My sponsor was skilled and I respected his support. That doesn't mean that I expected a/my sponsor to fix and guarantee recovery. My sponsor was honest and straight forward and I had the choice to follow or not. I responded often to my alcoholic/addict like I would not normally respond and then I was practicing fixing myself and not her. I loved her and was loving and came to understand that required intention and behavior I wouldn't or didn't enact.
I once woke in the morning to look at her face bruised red/orange and blue not believing I was responsible and even after she gave me the okay by saying "she deserved it". She didn't, I already believed that we don't violate a sick person yet that certainly is what I did. I did divorce her finally with the thought that I should not have married her in the first place but I did like many others have chosen to do.
When we parted we were fully in love truly and I still feel that way. I hope she is still clean and sober and happy and still the child of God she always was.
I try to find a good response to that question before the negative consequences. I ask myself what consequences I want and include the other person in on the solutions.
Keep coming back...this works when we work it. ((((hugs))))
"Maybe communicating at all at this minute is just asking for another ride on the merry go round." -- Sure it is!!! LOL.
"I'm not going to get in touch." -- Smart, healthy decision...smart and healthy for YOU, for your overall well-being.
"The question I am asking myself in stead of taking action is, why would I want to get back in touch with someone who just wrote all of those things to me at all?" -- You wouldn't want to get back in touch with someone who just wrote all of those things, and who is obviously not being healthy! Just for today...no, don't get in touch, don't reply to the nasty, mean, hostile texts/emails. Just for today.
While you wish to wish him well, you are so right, you couldn't be more right -- that isn't where you (the two of you) are. You might be there, but he is not. Just for today. He is incapable of "receiving" good wishes, compassion, well meaning words, and so on. He is not healthy. He made his decision...what he wanted was to not go to sober living. His recovery, his staying clean and sober WAS NOT WHAT HE WANTED... and what he wanted was more important than sobriety, recovery, etc. He made his decision. And that's OK...and YOU let him. You did the next right thing in front of you.
Keep up the great work!!!
Sunmustshine, you're doing a great job with personal boundaries and working Alanon. Life's continued while he's been in rehab and there are some priorities such as your work and her schooling. I went through this with my exah. I was studying for my exams and about to graduate with high honors. I didn't want him disrupting that a relapse, arrest, overdose etc. I thought my god, why now! I remember getting on the phone with his rehab counselor and asking if they could please keep him a bit longer. He went to his mother's. Truth be told, he never really left her but that's a story for another time
Anyway, you are honoring your own needs and those of your daughter. You are both living responsibly but not sure if he will live responsibly. Work and school are very important.
He sounds like he still has some self centerness to work through. You're right, the remorse isn't there. The apology may not come. But you know what? Pffft! You took care of you and your girl.
I remember having those days of feeling so free while my ex was recovering elsewhere and in somebody else's hands. Good for you that you are enjoying the beautiful weather. We are having it here too. It's been an awesome Spring day here. And you're right, what would you get by texting him or calling him? You know ... going to the hardware store looking for bread. You probably know that Alanon reading that compares alcoholics who are not working recovery to pigeons sitting in trees over our heads. Pigeons do what pigeons do it tells us. So yes, you are smart not to contract him and set yourself up for disappointment. I hope the analogy made you laugh a little. I understand where you are coming from. The longing to share good things and love not be conditioned on them getting their way. But you did the right thing and even if it hurts a bit now you've likely dodged a lot more hurt and aggravation that may have come from choosing him over yourself. Trust me, he may not like it, but he knows you mean business and respects you more for not buying into his bs. Enjoy the rest of your day. You're worth it! (((hugs)) TT
What worked well for me was a sponsor I could listen to and follow the suggestions of. My sponsor was skilled and I respected his support. That doesn't mean that I expected a/my sponsor to fix and guarantee recovery. My sponsor was honest and straight forward and I had the choice to follow or not. I responded often to my alcoholic/addict like I would not normally respond and then I was practicing fixing myself and not her. I loved her and was loving and came to understand that required intention and behavior I wouldn't or didn't enact.
I once woke in the morning to look at her face bruised red/orange and blue not believing I was responsible and even after she gave me the okay by saying "she deserved it". She didn't, I already believed that we don't violate a sick person yet that certainly is what I did. I did divorce her finally with the thought that I should not have married her in the first place but I did like many others have chosen to do.
When we parted we were fully in love truly and I still feel that way. I hope she is still clean and sober and happy and still the child of God she always was.
I try to find a good response to that question before the negative consequences. I ask myself what consequences I want and include the other person in on the solutions.
Keep coming back...this works when we work it. ((((hugs))))