Hi! I probably should have visited Al-Anon long ago, but Im not really a social person, or a meetings person, but now Im looking for advice. My husband is an alcoholic who is sober, has been for 19 years (since before I met him) and hasnt relapsed at all. However, our neighboring state made recreational marijuana use legal, and the day it became legal, my husband drove over the border to stand in line for 3 hours to buy some weed. Since then, his little weed stash has gotten pretty impressive, with a whole wooden box containing various forms of weed to smoke and ingest. I know I cant control him or his addictions, and I know hes a grown man, etc. etc. I just told him that I dont want him to lie to me about it (which he has done already) and to please let me know if he feels that its getting out of control so he can get help, both of which he agreed to. He does usually mention if hes going to get high (weve got 3 kids so need to be coordinated at all times), but I know hes doing it more than he tells me. (e. g., he thinks Im asleep), and its become more frequentused to be maybe twice a month, but now I suspect a few times a week. I guess Im wondering if I should be concerned, and if so, is there anything I can do? I dont want to tell him what he can/cant do, but Im not sure if I should just leave it alone either. Any advice? :)
PosiesandPuppies said
May 1, 2020
Welcome to Al-Anon. My "advice" is to become an "expert" on Addiction. Read all that you can so that you don't live in a world of denial and lies (of your own). Because addiction will make the addict lie. Some only a little, for some, it becomes their "go-to" WOL. The sooner you understand how an addicted brain works and is chemically changed by the substances they ingest, the sooner you can begin the work ON YOU. You can then move forward in your life without "blinders" on. You can decide what you can live with.
You will only be able to control YOU and YOUR behavior. Never him. And you will drive yourself crazy trying to figure him out... "Why would he do that while being in charge of the kids?"... "I thought being a father meant he would have some shred of responsibility!"... "Why would he keep doing this if he loved us?" "He said he would never do this, and yet... here we are!" Those kinds of answers will never be answered to a non-addict's satisfaction, and in fact will drive you crazy!
That being said, it's not about the weed, IMHO. I know a handful of people who use weed recreationally now that it is legal in my state, and never have a problem. They don't sneak it, they don't lie about it, they don't do it around their kids, they don't go to work high, etc. I liken it to adults "using" alcohol. Many can drink without a problem. Some cannot. It is more about how that person's brain reacts to the substance. In other words, it's about the Addicted Brain.
Begin the work on yourself. You and your kids are so worth it!!
Lyne said
May 1, 2020
Welcome kati917-PnP has given great feedback which I agree with. Understanding addiction can only help you. One of the ways to understand it, is to give alanon a try. All of us on the board and in in-person meetings, have experience with people who are addicted to one or more substances. My spouse has multiple addictions. What I have learned in this program is that there are similarities among addicts, and likewise, for those of us who love them. Alanon has given me coping skills that have saved me, and allow me to have peace and serenity much of the time no matter what my spouse is doing. So I hope you will give alanon a chance to help you, Lyne
tiredtonite said
May 1, 2020
Hi Kati
Welcome to MIP. Everyone works recovery in their own way so it's difficult to advise anyone else aside from suggesting Alanon meetings, getting a sponsor and working the steps of the program.
The first sentence of your post suggests an interest in finding Alanon and working it. The link below offers podcasts that introduce the Alanon program and what you can expect. Right now, in person Alanon is not available due to the pandemic. The WSO Alanon website below offers many alternatives to in person meetings and a world of valuable information for you and your own recovery if interested.
There isn't a whole lot any of can do concerning distructive choices others make but we can take care of ourselves. I'm sorry for what you're going through but hope the link below provides some answers, direction and you'll keep coming back to share your progress. ((hugs)) TT
Well alanon has a lot of tools that can help.
Being around an addict is really hard
Confronting them is very painful. Some of them can lash out
Immerse yourself in al anon. Take the focus off him. Put it back in yoursrlf (easier said than done for sure)
Be kind to yourself. Give al anon a shot you deserve support
DavidG said
May 1, 2020
Hmmm my own view 100%- but i think dope is the least of the addictions- and less harmful than alcohol.
But regular dope use will push a person into their own shell. Much less emotionally available.
Me I don't even drink coffee- because the adrenalin it induces- triggers me badly.
JerryF said
May 1, 2020
Aloha Kati and welcome to the board; the family. We don't give advise however we can and do share our experiences, strengths and hopes which are more real. Mind and mood altering chemicals have been around a long time and the desires and pressures to make them legal are historical. Your husband crossed state line to go and get his weed; it wasn't alcohol which is also legal having gone thru the fight to legalize it decades ago. We have learned that our addicts and alcoholics (mine at least) had the compulsion to drink and use larger than any negative consequences.
Stick around and listen to the experiences that worked for many of us and choose what might work for you if and when you try it. I made a lot of changes within the relationship of my marriage to and alcoholic/addict wife that I use to drink with and who wanted to learn how to drink like me. We are no longer married; I am sober for 42 years; she was clean and sober the last time I saw her etc.
Keep coming back cause this works when we work it and share it with others. ((((hugs))))
Bo said
May 1, 2020
A couple of preface observations...an addict is an addict, alcohol, marijuana, gambling, whatever the vice might be, it is addiction. Now, if people want to argue which is less, better, less harmful, not a violation of public policy, not dangerous to society, and so on...go have it. I am sure it will be a fallacious argument.
Next observation -- it's amazing to know you can't control him, and you should be complimented for that. However, the secret to your health and well-being is to know that...AND...not try to control it or him. That's the part few people get. Almost everyone "knows" you can't control the addict...but few people truly ACCEPT it and give up all efforts to do so!!! Next, you don't want him to lie to you...and he already has. Next, he will NOT let you know if he thinks or feels it is getting out of control. Next, why would he let you know, so he can get help, because getting help is up to him. That's his decision. The addict will not stop, will not quit, will not get help UNLESS and UNTIL they want to. Period. Sure, the legal system may require it, you might threaten him and he'll do it to appease you...but in the end...the fact is the alcoholic/addict will not quit unless and until they want to. Remember the "requirement" for AA...it is....to have a desire to quit drinking. Also, he agreed to both, and has so far done neither. He's already lied and he is already doing it more than he tells you. Remember, this is not medicinal use of marijuana...HE IS DOING IT TO GET HIGH!!! Big difference between medical use of marijuana and non-medical use marijuana with a motivation to get high.
So, your one question was...should you be concerned. It sounds like you already are. In my experience, yes, you should be concerned. He is an addict.
Your next question...is there anything you can do. YES!!! I will share on that in my next post as I have to into a web meeting.
Lastly, you say you don't want to tell him what he can/can't do, but you are not sure if you should just leave "it" alone...what is the "it"? His using? His lying? His using more than he admits? What are you thinking of leaving alone?
More to follow...
Bo said
May 2, 2020
Hi Kati...part 2, LOL...
As I look at the "what steps to take" I can only think of what my own experience is, what worked for me, and so on. When I came to alanon, I stopped looking in the rear-view mirror. I had more than enough in front of me!!! Getting better and getting healthy was going to be a massive job, so looking at what I could have, should have, would have done in the past, even yesterday, was a waste of time for me. If I did it, that was less time, energy and focus I had to work on TODAY...RIGHT NOW. Getting better was going to take 100% time and effort...and I wanted it more than anything...so I wasn't going to give it 99%. That's just me.
I also gave up my head trash! I too did not want to go to meetings. But I did. I had to if I wanted to get better. For those who tell you that you can get better, get healthy, succeed in alanon, etc., WITHOUT going to face to face meetings...all I will say is, good luck with that. Today, based upon the global pandemic...alanon meetings are now taking place via video, on the internet. Zoom is the most common. No one wants to walk into an alanon. No one walks in for the first time because their life is wonderful! I went because I was hopeless, and helpless. I was desperate. I went. That said, your husband is an addict. So was my wife. She lied, she hid what she was doing, and she said, thought, etc., everything she was doing was perfectly fine, and she wouldn't entertain any discussion about how what she was doing was not fine.
I too just asked my wife not to lie to me...just let me know...and if you think it's getting even a little out of hand, even a little more than you think is OK, please, just let me know. It'll be fine, we'll just discuss it and all will be fine...now, are you ready for this? FIFTEEN YEARS LATER and I was dying!!! Fifteen years, one day at a time, just getting worse, slowly, progressively, very insidiously, very cunning, very enigmatic...one day at a time...just getting worse and worse and worse. And guess what? I didn't even realize it. I did, but I didn't. I didn't have a grasp on what was really happening. Each day...became my new norm!!! I kept on lowering my standards for what was normal. I was in complete denial and blindness. Never once, never once...let me be clear...never once...did she come to me, tell me, admit to me, that things weren't fine. Gee, what a surprise. Arrests, investigations, lawyers, money, fire, car accidents, and so much more. All fine. All normal. Now, you may say, well things in my world aren't that bad, my husband/wife is not that bad...they never would get that bad...and more comments like that...well, fasten your seatbelt...you could be in for a very wild ride...and YOU have no idea what to expect or what can happen. I said the same thing months and years earlier...NO, IT WILL NEVER GET THAT BAD...BUT...it did!
Yes, be concerned. Be very concerned. Yes, there are things you can do. Go to (virtual/web) alanon meetings. Start to focus on YOU...not him. Focus on YOU and what YOU need to do so that YOU can better, get healthy...because HE will only get better and get healthy IF HE WANTS TO. Not if YOU WANT HIM TO. Be open to CHANGE, change in your thinking, actions, and reactions. Start learning the basics, fundamentals, etc., of the alanon program. Consider finding a sponsor...and...start doing the work. Work the alanon program. It works if you work it...so work it...YOU are worth it. All the best.
Hi! I probably should have visited Al-Anon long ago, but Im not really a social person, or a meetings person, but now Im looking for advice. My husband is an alcoholic who is sober, has been for 19 years (since before I met him) and hasnt relapsed at all. However, our neighboring state made recreational marijuana use legal, and the day it became legal, my husband drove over the border to stand in line for 3 hours to buy some weed. Since then, his little weed stash has gotten pretty impressive, with a whole wooden box containing various forms of weed to smoke and ingest. I know I cant control him or his addictions, and I know hes a grown man, etc. etc. I just told him that I dont want him to lie to me about it (which he has done already) and to please let me know if he feels that its getting out of control so he can get help, both of which he agreed to. He does usually mention if hes going to get high (weve got 3 kids so need to be coordinated at all times), but I know hes doing it more than he tells me. (e. g., he thinks Im asleep), and its become more frequentused to be maybe twice a month, but now I suspect a few times a week. I guess Im wondering if I should be concerned, and if so, is there anything I can do? I dont want to tell him what he can/cant do, but Im not sure if I should just leave it alone either. Any advice? :)
Welcome to Al-Anon.
My "advice" is to become an "expert" on Addiction. Read all that you can so that you don't live in a world of denial and lies (of your own). Because addiction will make the addict lie. Some only a little, for some, it becomes their "go-to" WOL. The sooner you understand how an addicted brain works and is chemically changed by the substances they ingest, the sooner you can begin the work ON YOU. You can then move forward in your life without "blinders" on. You can decide what you can live with.
You will only be able to control YOU and YOUR behavior. Never him. And you will drive yourself crazy trying to figure him out... "Why would he do that while being in charge of the kids?"... "I thought being a father meant he would have some shred of responsibility!"... "Why would he keep doing this if he loved us?" "He said he would never do this, and yet... here we are!"
Those kinds of answers will never be answered to a non-addict's satisfaction, and in fact will drive you crazy!
That being said, it's not about the weed, IMHO. I know a handful of people who use weed recreationally now that it is legal in my state, and never have a problem. They don't sneak it, they don't lie about it, they don't do it around their kids, they don't go to work high, etc. I liken it to adults "using" alcohol. Many can drink without a problem. Some cannot. It is more about how that person's brain reacts to the substance. In other words, it's about the Addicted Brain.
Begin the work on yourself. You and your kids are so worth it!!
Hi Kati
Welcome to MIP. Everyone works recovery in their own way so it's difficult to advise anyone else aside from suggesting Alanon meetings, getting a sponsor and working the steps of the program.
The first sentence of your post suggests an interest in finding Alanon and working it. The link below offers podcasts that introduce the Alanon program and what you can expect. Right now, in person Alanon is not available due to the pandemic. The WSO Alanon website below offers many alternatives to in person meetings and a world of valuable information for you and your own recovery if interested.
There isn't a whole lot any of can do concerning distructive choices others make but we can take care of ourselves. I'm sorry for what you're going through but hope the link below provides some answers, direction and you'll keep coming back to share your progress. ((hugs)) TT
https://al-anon.org/newcomers/first-steps-al-anon-recovery/
But regular dope use will push a person into their own shell. Much less emotionally available.
Me I don't even drink coffee- because the adrenalin it induces- triggers me badly.
Aloha Kati and welcome to the board; the family. We don't give advise however we can and do share our experiences, strengths and hopes which are more real. Mind and mood altering chemicals have been around a long time and the desires and pressures to make them legal are historical. Your husband crossed state line to go and get his weed; it wasn't alcohol which is also legal having gone thru the fight to legalize it decades ago. We have learned that our addicts and alcoholics (mine at least) had the compulsion to drink and use larger than any negative consequences.
Stick around and listen to the experiences that worked for many of us and choose what might work for you if and when you try it. I made a lot of changes within the relationship of my marriage to and alcoholic/addict wife that I use to drink with and who wanted to learn how to drink like me. We are no longer married; I am sober for 42 years; she was clean and sober the last time I saw her etc.
Keep coming back cause this works when we work it and share it with others. ((((hugs))))
Next observation -- it's amazing to know you can't control him, and you should be complimented for that. However, the secret to your health and well-being is to know that...AND...not try to control it or him. That's the part few people get. Almost everyone "knows" you can't control the addict...but few people truly ACCEPT it and give up all efforts to do so!!! Next, you don't want him to lie to you...and he already has. Next, he will NOT let you know if he thinks or feels it is getting out of control. Next, why would he let you know, so he can get help, because getting help is up to him. That's his decision. The addict will not stop, will not quit, will not get help UNLESS and UNTIL they want to. Period. Sure, the legal system may require it, you might threaten him and he'll do it to appease you...but in the end...the fact is the alcoholic/addict will not quit unless and until they want to. Remember the "requirement" for AA...it is....to have a desire to quit drinking. Also, he agreed to both, and has so far done neither. He's already lied and he is already doing it more than he tells you. Remember, this is not medicinal use of marijuana...HE IS DOING IT TO GET HIGH!!! Big difference between medical use of marijuana and non-medical use marijuana with a motivation to get high.
So, your one question was...should you be concerned. It sounds like you already are. In my experience, yes, you should be concerned. He is an addict.
Your next question...is there anything you can do. YES!!! I will share on that in my next post as I have to into a web meeting.
Lastly, you say you don't want to tell him what he can/can't do, but you are not sure if you should just leave "it" alone...what is the "it"? His using? His lying? His using more than he admits? What are you thinking of leaving alone?
More to follow...
As I look at the "what steps to take" I can only think of what my own experience is, what worked for me, and so on. When I came to alanon, I stopped looking in the rear-view mirror. I had more than enough in front of me!!! Getting better and getting healthy was going to be a massive job, so looking at what I could have, should have, would have done in the past, even yesterday, was a waste of time for me. If I did it, that was less time, energy and focus I had to work on TODAY...RIGHT NOW. Getting better was going to take 100% time and effort...and I wanted it more than anything...so I wasn't going to give it 99%. That's just me.
I also gave up my head trash! I too did not want to go to meetings. But I did. I had to if I wanted to get better. For those who tell you that you can get better, get healthy, succeed in alanon, etc., WITHOUT going to face to face meetings...all I will say is, good luck with that. Today, based upon the global pandemic...alanon meetings are now taking place via video, on the internet. Zoom is the most common. No one wants to walk into an alanon. No one walks in for the first time because their life is wonderful! I went because I was hopeless, and helpless. I was desperate. I went. That said, your husband is an addict. So was my wife. She lied, she hid what she was doing, and she said, thought, etc., everything she was doing was perfectly fine, and she wouldn't entertain any discussion about how what she was doing was not fine.
I too just asked my wife not to lie to me...just let me know...and if you think it's getting even a little out of hand, even a little more than you think is OK, please, just let me know. It'll be fine, we'll just discuss it and all will be fine...now, are you ready for this? FIFTEEN YEARS LATER and I was dying!!! Fifteen years, one day at a time, just getting worse, slowly, progressively, very insidiously, very cunning, very enigmatic...one day at a time...just getting worse and worse and worse. And guess what? I didn't even realize it. I did, but I didn't. I didn't have a grasp on what was really happening. Each day...became my new norm!!! I kept on lowering my standards for what was normal. I was in complete denial and blindness. Never once, never once...let me be clear...never once...did she come to me, tell me, admit to me, that things weren't fine. Gee, what a surprise. Arrests, investigations, lawyers, money, fire, car accidents, and so much more. All fine. All normal. Now, you may say, well things in my world aren't that bad, my husband/wife is not that bad...they never would get that bad...and more comments like that...well, fasten your seatbelt...you could be in for a very wild ride...and YOU have no idea what to expect or what can happen. I said the same thing months and years earlier...NO, IT WILL NEVER GET THAT BAD...BUT...it did!
Yes, be concerned. Be very concerned. Yes, there are things you can do. Go to (virtual/web) alanon meetings. Start to focus on YOU...not him. Focus on YOU and what YOU need to do so that YOU can better, get healthy...because HE will only get better and get healthy IF HE WANTS TO. Not if YOU WANT HIM TO. Be open to CHANGE, change in your thinking, actions, and reactions. Start learning the basics, fundamentals, etc., of the alanon program. Consider finding a sponsor...and...start doing the work. Work the alanon program. It works if you work it...so work it...YOU are worth it. All the best.