Maybe there is no answer.But there must be.It's not meetings or readings or steps.It's not faith or the Bible or church.Tried all of those.It was bad before the pandemic.Now it's really bad.I do not have murderous or suicidal urges.I do not want to hurt anyone.I just want ,,,,,,something.And yet it's not so much wanting something as it is wanting nothing.I want less not more.
here is what I have..an old house,a fixer we bought 20 yrs ago that still needs alot of work.I have walls of drywall in some rooms;ceilings that need patching from previous roof leaks;floors that need to be replaced.Half finished bathroom remodel.Mickey mouse wallpaper from the previous owners in a bedroom.The kitchen curtains are dry rotting and need replacing.The refrigerator makes a loud noise when the compressor goes off.The washing machine was dismantled for repair and not put back together properly but it still runs.Some rooms need painting.The dining room needs baseboards and trim.One bedroom is used for storage and you can barely walk in it.We aren't hoarders,it's just that room.there are no curtains in that room,just pieces of cloth hung over the mini blinds for privacy.Outside the garage needs painting,so do the gutters on the house.The yard needs landscaping.
I have a credit card that needs to be paid off.A car with 97,000 miles on it that is still being paid for.Enough money to get from check to check but barely.
And last but not least,I have a recovering alcoholic husband with dementia and alot of anger,sadness,despair,and just plain hopelessness.
I don't want any of that.If the house were paid for I could walk away and never look back.There are very very few things in there that I would take with me.Things only valuable to me.If the husband had somewhere else to go where someone would take good care of him, I would take him there and never come back.I don't want to own a house,I don't want to be married.I don't want all this stuff, and I don't want to be responsible for anyone but myself.
I am tired of taking care of people,tired of customer service,tired of cleaning and cooking.I buy groceries and then there is nothing in there I want to eat.I find I buy for him instead of me because I just don't want that much.In my family of origin I was second to youngest with 3 older alcoholic brothers,2 older alcoholic sisters,and one younger alcoholic sister.I never drank.My dad was alcoholic,my mom was not,and they divorced when I was 9.
I can do alot of the things that need to be done.I mow the lawn,I can do drywall,and paint.I liked to decorate and refinish old furniture.I just do not want to do any of that anymore.I can see myself in a small but nice apartment on an upper floor.Bright with sunshine from the windows.My bed by the window so I can feel the breeze and smell the rain.I'd sleep until I feel like getting up.Have coffee on my small balcony when it's warm or by the fire in winter if I had one.I would probably shop online and order my food delivered.I wouldn't cook much.I would read.I prefer books to computer screens.I have wanted to be a writer for a long time,but that is probably a lost dream now.I would give to charities and help others at a distance.Last year I was sitting in my car at Krogers and saw a woman in a car across from me who looked very sad.She was supporting her head with her arm on the car door.She was in the passenger seat and there was a teenage boy in the back looking at his phone.I felt tremendous compassion for her.The car was old and not in good shape.She seemed to have the weight of the world on her shoulders.I had a strong feeling to give her some money.I have never done this before.I drove by her car several times trying to talk myself into leaving but the feeling was so powerful.Finally I stopped and I took a five dollar bill from my purse.left my husband in the car and went to her car window.I said "God wants you to know He loves you" and pushed the five into her hand.She looked at me and said "Oh thank you!"She wasn't smiling she looked like she could cry.I got back in my car and left.It felt strange but good.That is the kind of giver I want to be.I don't want attention from people.I prefer to fade into the woodwork.
So,what is the answer? Recovery in alanon is very slow. I am 67 now.No one knows how long they have left so we just have to make the best of each day.People say look for the bright side,find the positive,make a gratitude journal.Those things last me maybe a few days.You might say make changes..nothing changes if nothing changes.But what can I change? Buy a curtain? Don't want to.I have always been able to see the possibility of this house.How it could look.It could be very cute and cozy if someone wanted to do the work.One of the reasons I stayed with my AH is because I dreamed of the day I could be really happy here,regardless of him.I thought I would enjoy the decorating and furnishing it.Those feelings are gone.I never believed in anti depressants.After my husband had his stroke he was very irritable and grumpy because he could not do the things he used to do.So he told me to ask the doctor if he could give him something for that.And the doctor did.An anti depressant/anti anxiety pill.It did improve his mood.I just don't like to take pills.They always have side effects.My alcoholic siblings all tried psychiatry and pills.Never worked for them. Sell the house you say? In the condition it is in I think we would be lucky to break even.And it would be alot of work.Besides I would still be taking everything else with me.
So please. Tell me what you think.Share your ESH.I must be missing something.I blow up when things don't go my way.I get irritated when I have to deal with other people who don't do what I think they should or don't do what I would do.Some days I wake up in a bad mood because I hate my life.Husband hasn't had a meeting in weeks because of the virus.They finally opened the center so he went yesterday.I waited outside in the car with some reading material.He had to wear a mask.Only 10 people per meeting and they have to clean where they sit before they leave.He came back out after 10 minutes.Hated the mask,said he can't breath and is not going to clean.So he is not going back and he does not like the online meetings either,or online church.
I am asking for bold truth here.I want to know why I am so angry inside.Why do I lose it when things don't go my way.Why do I not want to give any more?I don't want anyone to ask me for anything,I don't like it,I feel like I have to do it and I do not want to.Feels like maybe something from my childhood that I have blocked.Or is it just the life I have had that has made me this way.I want to change,I really do.I do not like the person I have become.
Thank you for reading, Iris
Maresie888 said
Apr 30, 2020
I do not want to give you a long list of things to.do.
Beimg with a person who had a mountain of problems is a big undertaking
There is always an #if# .
Then therd is this unorecedented crisis on top.of everything.else. This crisis that had not been seen in a centiry or more
Of course it would be normal to be overwhelmed
Of courss it would be normal to be like this is an unbearabke load .
The other issue of course is whatever you have to.do is harder right now. Find a therapist harder
Get to meetings you have to use zoom .
Every single thing is harder. Al anon can ceetainly helo. Finding a sponsor is a big helo. Practising detachment is a big helo
No one thing is the answer. However for absolute certain it is a big big help to enbrace the program
tiredtonite said
Apr 30, 2020
(((iris)) The greatest gift of Alanon for me has been the courage to ask for help; the admission that I can't do everything on my own. No one can. I use to compare and despair a lot when it came to my life and my perception of others lives. Those ruminations only helped my self pity to fester and kept me from taking life affirming actions.
Our common bond when coming to Alanon is that we're affected by someone's drinking. That is the starting point when entering the rooms of the program. From there, the program and steps offer tools to be tailored to fit the individual. Alanon is not a one size fits all program. It's up to each of us if we care to to take what we like and leave the rest. One suggestion that I have found to be true - the steps of Alanon are in the order they are in for a reason and they work when you work them. Honestly, I thought this was a bunch of bs when I was new and in crisis.
Iris, there are additional resources out there no matter where you live for seniors. Volunteer organizations that offer help with chores, home repairs, grocery shopping. Additionally, there are support groups beyond Alanon, support groups particularly for caregivers. These resources are just a phone call away. No one can do it all alone . Especially at this time, people of all ages are seeking a little extra help. We are in a crisis situation right now.
Yesterday, I made a call and got some assistance. I had put it off for a few days thinking oh I can manage right now, oh someone else likely needs this more than I do. But I realized Iris that there's a big difference between being responsible for myself and wearing over responsibility like a hard won badge of honor. The latter in the past has kept me stuck to the pity pot so I picked up the phone and asked for help.The person on the phone was kind and caring. I didn't need to prove anything. They were there to help. I felt better for having reached out. By the afternoon, I'd gotten what I needed. My life felt a little more manageable.
It's only my own thinking that can keep me stuck. When I woulda, coulda, shoulda I am going down the road leading to a self pity ditch. When I change my mind, I'm free to head in a life affirming direction. I believe I'm worth it thanks to this program. I never have to go it alone and feel helpless today. I have a higher power and was reminded again yesterday that I can't do it all nor do it alone. That gives me great joy because I grow through connection with my hp and other human beings. I whither into fear projection when I choose to be an island. I hope you keep coming back iris and that you find answers that work for you. I think it's a very rare person who gets the life they imagined. We do have the power to change what we can however as the serenity prayer says. (((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Thursday 30th of April 2020 08:42:26 AM
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Thursday 30th of April 2020 08:58:01 AM
Bo said
Apr 30, 2020
Iris, thank you, very much, for your share -- and more importantly, thank you very much for being so open and honest. It is never easy to be vulnerable, in a face to face alanon meeting, yet alone a forum such as this! That said, in reading your post numerous times, several things resonate with me. First, I don't know where you live, but there are numerous, sometimes innumerable resources available to help people -- health and human services, family service agencies, county and state assistance, and many, many more. You have to look, search, call, call-back, and keep doing all of that. However, it sounds like you feel you have done so much, that in a way, you just don't want to do any more. If that's the case, I understand. Second, a lot of what you have said, while I am sure is accurate, is perhaps missing one element -- which can be the most important element, which you do NOT get here, and that is -- expert advice. Get expert advice!!! One thing that might -- and I hate to say it and stress the word "might" -- be an option, strategy, etc., is a "Medicaid Divorce". I am not giving professional advice here, however, this is something I've been involved in professionally many times, and it has provided many benefits to the right person/people, in the right situation.
Third, and this is really the premise of my post and what I can speak to -- and that is alanon. I've read your posts here and there haven't been that many. However, several times you referred to something along the lines of "leaving" and "coming back" to alanon, not really sticking with it before, really giving it a chance this time, returning to alanon, making a commitment, etc. Your statement of saying you were really going to commit to alanon this time...was made about two weeks ago. I say this NOT IN JUDGEMENT...BUT...IN OBSERVATION. It took you more than 20 years to get where you are...it is going to take you more than two weeks to get out of where you are. Aside from making a commitment, alanon takes work. It takes effort. For me, it was simply not just going to meetings. If someone tells you JUST go to meetings and you will get better, my response is two-fold...one is, good luck with that...and two, that's not what I found in my experience. Yes, meeting makers make it, but in my experience it's meeting makers who actually do something with that they've learned -- that's who makes it! I am not trying to convince you to do anything. What I am saying is that -- one, no, alanon is not for everyone. It is the answer for many, but not for all. Two, alanon can and will work, if you commit to it, go to meetings, and do the work. It works if you work it...and you are worth it!
Whatever cards have been dealt, have been dealt. You cannot control or do anything about the cards you have been dealt. BUT...YOU are the only one who has control, YOU are the only one who makes the decisions, and YOU are the only one who decides HOW YOU PLAY THE HAND. Period. No one wants what they end up getting when they are married to an alcoholic, addict, unhealthy/dysfunctional person. No one. You live life looking and moving forward. Not facing, moving, and looking backward. How much effort, how much work you do in alanon is up to you. If you don't think or feel alanon is for you, that's fine. I don't think anyone will try and convince you it is. However, what I will say -- and it is not an effort to convince you of anything -- is that alanon worked for me. That's my experience. My situation was just as dire as your situation, relatively speaking. Everyone's situation is relative.
While some may say "recovery" -- and that words means something different to each person -- is very slow, for me, I can tell you that I experienced great results, great improvement in my situation, again, this is relative...in 30 days. But in those 30 days, I made my recovery the exclusive focal point. It was not just the most important thing to me -- it was the only thing I focused on for 30 days. I went to 2 meetings a day, I spoke to my sponsor at least twice a day, I did various readings with him and discussed these readings and what they meant to me, for me, how they applied to me, and so on.
This is not about why you are so angry. This is about who you are being...and who you want to be. You are angry because you are not healthy. You have no acceptance, no track or process to follow in order to get better. It's not just about being angry. It's about everything.
I wish you all the best.
JerryF said
Apr 30, 2020
Gracious Iris do I know and remember what you are talking about. I've been there and done that and I threaten those in either program that came forward to help me listen, understanding and heal. There were so many responses that we helpfully shared with me that I could not and would not try to understand and the old timers knew because the had our experiences also. I finally out of exasperation and impatience started to hear slogans that didn't make sense but gave me instruction that came with different outcomes than what I was having. Listen with and Open mind, When in doubt...dont, Take it slowly you didn't get here over night and you won't get out that way either...I listened, listened, listened and told myself the slogans when the old timers were not these and added to the program with literature and phone numbers and more even while saying over again what you have lead this discussion with. I found on and then two things that worked and came to understand that if I duplicated those working things my recovery would get better and here I am now still duplicating and with a life I would not surrender to a problem.
I pray that one day sooner or later you arrive at the peace of mind an
Jen61 said
Apr 30, 2020
I carried the phone number for Alanon in my area for months. I made the call one day when I was at work. I was trying to hold it together but in reality, it was just a barely. My first meeting all I did was cry. I bought books, continued the meetings, went to some open AA meetings and I started feeling more in control of my life. We cannot change the drinker in our life. We can only change ourselves. To be honest with you I probably hated my AH for a long time for what he did. I finally had to let it go if I was going to stay with him, and I did. I understand how you must feel, and I am sure most people on this site do also. It is a very, very lonely scary place to be. Asking for help is hard, but we are here at MIP to help. The more you go to meetings, etc., the anger becomes less and less. I really wish you the best.
WendyP said
Apr 30, 2020
Hi Iris52, When I read your sharing, I felt so unhappy for you and where you are, and what you are trying to work through, and have so much on your mind, and in your life. I wanted so much to get back to you and say something that will, hopefully, for you to find Peace with. With all of you concerns, and reading them, the one thing that stood out for me, is what a Beautiful, Caring, Loving Lady you are. With all the awful things that are happening and you are facing in your life, you were still able to have courage and go back to that Lady, and reach out to her in Love, and Caring, and give her that Money. You reached out, for someone, like you, who you could see was so down, and you helped her. Have you any thought of how much you helped her, and gave her Hope. Like you need, and will get if you stay around and reach out to us,who use this Programme, you have so many people, who want to help you, find, what we have, Peace of Mind. When ever a new Comer came into a Meeting I was attending, Iwould always say to them, "When, you choose to walk through the doors of Alanon, You need never, ever, have to be alone, only, if You want to." Don't worry about, or think about, if Alanon is for you or not, I promise you, if you choose to continue to have the Courage, like you just did, and share from the Heart, and reach out for us to help you, Alanon, will get you.
When I read your Sharing, I have never, ever heard such an Honest, from the Heart sharing like you did. You are already reaching out, and wanting someone to help you, you must be feeling Trapped, well, Feelings are not Facts. You are already looking for solutions, one at a Time. Sure, like another member who answered your sharing,I have to work my Butt off, to get better, but it's worth it. I have to want to want it, as nothing comes easy, but I would much rather pay the price to have to work to get better, than to pay the price to stay feeling Trapped, or living with all the problems.
I hope and pray, you stay around, you are not alone, and you are worth getting all the good stuff in life. I will pray for you, for things to get better.
Love Wendy P.
Enigmatic said
May 3, 2020
Hi Iris, glad you stopped by, welcome...
From what you shared, it seems like you are in a better place than I was when I was introduced to AlAnon: you seem to know what will and what will not work for you.
I did not, I was exhausted emotionally and at a breaking point in my relationship after trying everything I could think of to try to address the challenges I faced. For the first time in my life, I could not 'fix' the situation.
I was a firm atheist (still am) after leaving a strong religious upbringing, thought 12-step programs were for 'others', certainly not me, for those who lacked the strength and willpower to do what they should. AA was for my spouse, they just needed to get it together I thought.
I found myself, however, at a breaking point nonetheless, despite all I thought I knew. I was sad, angry, resentful, and sliding into undesirable tendencies I thought only belonged to the alcoholic or insane. I was out of options beside walking away from everything.
A licensed caregiver recommended I take a look at AlAnon, that it had helped many people in my situation who had a relationship to someone whose drinking concerned me. I was willing to give it a shot, though I certainly had my reservations ('Oh no, the God thing, I can't do that' I told myself; I read up before I arrived, they promised that I didn't have to belong to a religion, or even believe in 'God', but could use my own concept of a power greater than myself), only because I felt I had tried everything else. I did not like who I was becoming...
I went into an AlAnon meeting with an open mind, threw out all the things I thought I knew, was willing to try anything if it provided insight and perspective that I could use, that was helpful. In my first meeting, I heard things that resonated, a perspective that made sense of the madness I was living. I decided to give it a sincere shot, read, listen, share, because I wanted to feel better...
That was 7 years ago, and it marked the beginning of a relief and started me on a journey of discovery and peace that has been life changing. During that time, I rubbed shoulders with, but was never required to become, someone with a firm belief in 'God' in classic terms, nor Bible, nor church...I was free to make up my own spiritual, not religious concepts. Some of these 'believers' have become my dearest friends from whom I've learned a great deal. I am blessed to have them as friends...
I am so, so glad I was desperate enough to try AlAnon, I've learned a better way of living, a better way of seeing the world and interacting with others. It turns out that I didn't know what would work for me, and certainly tried many things that didn't before I found AlAnon.
You may be right, AlAnon may not be the right thing, time, or place for you now. Whatever you choose to do, I certainly hope you find peace...you are always welcome here
-- Edited by Enigmatic on Sunday 3rd of May 2020 09:53:03 AM
Maresie888 said
May 8, 2020
No one can #give# all the time. No one.
These are really really hard times. For some people they are much harder. I have stayed working as an esential.worker throughout the pandemic.
I would think fixing a fixer upper is an enormous amoumt of work particularly when you have to do it alone. My apartment was just remnovated. I was told it would be 6 weeks. Instead it was months and months. I had to live out of a suitcase for that long
The list of things you are dealing with is oretty long. At a ceetain point I got exhausred. Then I had to work on ways to get beyond my exhaustion.
I had to take time off. Being in a position to take time off is not easy
I most certainly have depression. I do much much much better on medication.
Depression is an illness. You cannot just snap out of it. I tried therapy for years. Then I started on medication. The medication does indeed have side effects. The results of having more energy abd being abke to function better make it worthwhile.
When our plates are full it is no big deal to say #no more# i am currently not working as much. I have a boss who expects me to have no life whatsoever. I just have to let go.
Some people's expectations are way off. I do not need to buy into them.
At different times in our lives we also out unreal expectations on ourselves. I have a tendency to do that. When I was 30 I put some really unreal exoectations on myself about being married. I did not think too much who I needed to be married to. I just needed to be married
Being kind to ourselves is very hard. I am miracle worker for other people. Whatever they need I will provide. Now is a time where I have to be kind to me
Being kind should not be one way street.
I hope you will consider giving al.anon a chance. There are many wonderful people in this group: no judgment. Acceptance is phenomenal experience. Sonetimes the acceptance has to come from others tgen we can work on being acceoting of ourselves
This grouo is a powerful place. I hope you will choose to stick around for awhile.
mamalioness said
May 8, 2020
(((((((((((((((Iris))))))))))))))))) I am SO touched by your OH so open and honest share.........been in that place......done that..........i felt the despair an never thought it would go away......its taken years of recovery to realize that I can only take care of me, help me, work my program to perhaps find out who I was/am for the very first time, buts its been slow...hard...arduous......painful....but WORTH IT because i am worth it.......
could I go this again??? Hell no!!!! But the big thing was I stayed the course and FINALLY am, with the help of my beloved Higher Power, I am OK....I am finally OK with me...who/what I am...where I am at....yea, I have my bad times, but who does not, but I can sort it out and keep my emotional sobriety one day at a time.....
I can't advise you, just say to you PLEASE keep coming back....Alanon is for US...NOT them...We can love them and even stay with them if thats the next right thing to do, but we CAN and DO learn to detach from their BS and their drama and actually live for us
I divorced my alcoholics because that was the best thing for me....Some folks stay...some leave....but what ever they choose its for US, not them......
please give Alanon a chance....I was told give it a year and if I don't see any improvement (and I was a horrid mess) then I can quit....I've been in programme for since Feb. 2004....Love it, it and my HP are my life line
a4l said
May 9, 2020
I'm a bit of a hippy Iris beneath my grey suited exterior. To me you are in a powerful stage of life because you know two things: what you want and what you want release from.
In my experience both of those things in combination lead somewhere new. The 12 steps of Alanon are to me a practical guide to a spiritual life. The tips tools and suggestions within it work to support my vision for my life because I get stuck sometimes and need little prompts on what exactly do I actually do right now?
Supporting all things is a deepening trust in my Higher Power as I understand it. Learning to hand it over to the higher power/universe/god. For some of us it begins with the actual alcoholic. Learning to hand the alcoholic over. I think that's really hard. But its not really the alcoholic we hand over first in my experience. It's a whole bunch of little things that don't feel so little when you're pinned by them. Today I am so relaxed about receiving the assistance I need and sometimes even things I just want because I have experienced time and again receiving both for no logical reason. You were not a logical reason to that lady in her car.
But a lot of inner work supported by practical decisions, small ones at first, has taken place with this program allowing for that.
Practically I've found finding out what my options are gives me a feeling of change potential. When I need courage to action potential actions I have found it on many occasions in Alanon.
Keep coming back. Your situation as you've described it sounds like a realistic appraisal. Now you need the miracle. I've found lots of little miracles in recovery. You have this crystal clear vision you've expressed and I think that's a request for divine intervention in a way. What supports are available to you in your area? What would practically support you getting some kind of respite from that house and your care duties?
Bo said
May 9, 2020
One thing I always felt was wonderful -- and important -- is what alanon is a spiritual program, not a religious one. I liked that. I found it wonderful that so many people, from so many walks of life, and so many religions and beliefs, all were welcome in alanon and all worked the alanon program. I liked that there were religious people, non-religious people, people who were an atheist, people who were agnostic, and so on and so on. Alanon is a spiritual fellowship, not a religious one.
I enjoyed being in a place where recovery was the focal point -- the alanon program, the alanon recovery -- and that the alanon program doesn't discuss religion, as a matter of fact, alanon avoids discussion of specific religions, religious doctrines, etc. I embraced that alanon was about finding a power greater than me, greater than ourselves, who can help us solve our problems, handle the issues we are facing, teach us tools and give us strength to face the trials and tribulations of living with and/or loving an alcoholic... and ultimately, find serenity.
How many times have I seen a member of alanon define and relate to that power greater than themselves...COUNTLESS!!! In my experience, it is then that the person can begin to get better.
I absolutely embrace that alanon is a spiritual program. When I started, I was not spiritual at all. I had no connection and t know, understand, etc., anything about spirituality. Once I found recovery -- and got better, got healthy -- I now live a life I never could have conceived or even dreamed. My friends don't say "Oh, he's now spiritual" or "He's into spirituality" or anything of the like. They just see me being happy, healthy, and who I am at my core. They see that back then I was struggling, stressed out, etc. -- and today I am happy, fun, full of life, etc. It's not about being spiritual or being into spirituality. It's about who I am being.
Iamhere said
May 9, 2020
(((Iris))) - I am so sorry for how life's feeling for you! I do recall vividly the point where I just was also defeated. It seemed and felt like every single avenue of my life was either in need of dire repair or beyond repair. I had lost my center and my way and honestly did not have 'much gas' left. I really felt defeated and that there was no way forward.
I was absolutely convinced that Al-Anon was NOT for me. I felt that I'd been handed a raw deal, and had a bunch of 'if onlys' in my head that played over and over again. If only I wasn't married to a drunk, if only my kids weren't addicts, if only I had a better job, more money, no debt, etc....
Only when I hit my own bottom and realized I mattered did I embrace Al-Anon and still not necessarily with an open mind. What I did find is others who had real peace, joy and serenity and often with problems as bad or worse than mine. Those who welcomed me gave me just enough hope when I first arrived to keep me coming back until I came to understand that all was not lost and there really was hope.
Slowly, I've made changes in me that have improved my outlook and my life. It was not fast, it was not easy and it is far from perfect. What I do know is that each day I put me and recovery first is a way better day than when I don't. I also know that when I focus on what is good/improving around me instead of all that's still broken, I have way better days. I don't know that I buy into the concept that we're not given more than we can handle, yet I do see by experience that every single time I've thought I 'could not' go forward, there's been a way to do so.
You have a tough scenario with your husband's health issues + alcoholism. This pandemic just makes anything that was challenging harder yet. When life has felt too difficult or just too overwhelming, I tend to really focus on one day or one moment at a time. It doesn't solve everything but does bring me back to a place of centering/calm most of the time. I do know that many of the resources that are typically available have been slowed/reduced/stopped because of the pandemic and that just makes care-giving all the more difficult/overwhelming.
I am sending you tons of prayers, (((hugs))) and positive energy...sometimes, when it's all 'too much' I hear my sponsor say, Just Breathe, Breathe, and Breathe again. You're not alone and you are welcome here anytime!
Maybe there is no answer.But there must be.It's not meetings or readings or steps.It's not faith or the Bible or church.Tried all of those.It was bad before the pandemic.Now it's really bad.I do not have murderous or suicidal urges.I do not want to hurt anyone.I just want ,,,,,,something.And yet it's not so much wanting something as it is wanting nothing.I want less not more.
here is what I have..an old house,a fixer we bought 20 yrs ago that still needs alot of work.I have walls of drywall in some rooms;ceilings that need patching from previous roof leaks;floors that need to be replaced.Half finished bathroom remodel.Mickey mouse wallpaper from the previous owners in a bedroom.The kitchen curtains are dry rotting and need replacing.The refrigerator makes a loud noise when the compressor goes off.The washing machine was dismantled for repair and not put back together properly but it still runs.Some rooms need painting.The dining room needs baseboards and trim.One bedroom is used for storage and you can barely walk in it.We aren't hoarders,it's just that room.there are no curtains in that room,just pieces of cloth hung over the mini blinds for privacy.Outside the garage needs painting,so do the gutters on the house.The yard needs landscaping.
I have a credit card that needs to be paid off.A car with 97,000 miles on it that is still being paid for.Enough money to get from check to check but barely.
And last but not least,I have a recovering alcoholic husband with dementia and alot of anger,sadness,despair,and just plain hopelessness.
I don't want any of that.If the house were paid for I could walk away and never look back.There are very very few things in there that I would take with me.Things only valuable to me.If the husband had somewhere else to go where someone would take good care of him, I would take him there and never come back.I don't want to own a house,I don't want to be married.I don't want all this stuff, and I don't want to be responsible for anyone but myself.
I am tired of taking care of people,tired of customer service,tired of cleaning and cooking.I buy groceries and then there is nothing in there I want to eat.I find I buy for him instead of me because I just don't want that much.In my family of origin I was second to youngest with 3 older alcoholic brothers,2 older alcoholic sisters,and one younger alcoholic sister.I never drank.My dad was alcoholic,my mom was not,and they divorced when I was 9.
I can do alot of the things that need to be done.I mow the lawn,I can do drywall,and paint.I liked to decorate and refinish old furniture.I just do not want to do any of that anymore.I can see myself in a small but nice apartment on an upper floor.Bright with sunshine from the windows.My bed by the window so I can feel the breeze and smell the rain.I'd sleep until I feel like getting up.Have coffee on my small balcony when it's warm or by the fire in winter if I had one.I would probably shop online and order my food delivered.I wouldn't cook much.I would read.I prefer books to computer screens.I have wanted to be a writer for a long time,but that is probably a lost dream now.I would give to charities and help others at a distance.Last year I was sitting in my car at Krogers and saw a woman in a car across from me who looked very sad.She was supporting her head with her arm on the car door.She was in the passenger seat and there was a teenage boy in the back looking at his phone.I felt tremendous compassion for her.The car was old and not in good shape.She seemed to have the weight of the world on her shoulders.I had a strong feeling to give her some money.I have never done this before.I drove by her car several times trying to talk myself into leaving but the feeling was so powerful.Finally I stopped and I took a five dollar bill from my purse.left my husband in the car and went to her car window.I said "God wants you to know He loves you" and pushed the five into her hand.She looked at me and said "Oh thank you!"She wasn't smiling she looked like she could cry.I got back in my car and left.It felt strange but good.That is the kind of giver I want to be.I don't want attention from people.I prefer to fade into the woodwork.
So,what is the answer? Recovery in alanon is very slow. I am 67 now.No one knows how long they have left so we just have to make the best of each day.People say look for the bright side,find the positive,make a gratitude journal.Those things last me maybe a few days.You might say make changes..nothing changes if nothing changes.But what can I change? Buy a curtain? Don't want to.I have always been able to see the possibility of this house.How it could look.It could be very cute and cozy if someone wanted to do the work.One of the reasons I stayed with my AH is because I dreamed of the day I could be really happy here,regardless of him.I thought I would enjoy the decorating and furnishing it.Those feelings are gone.I never believed in anti depressants.After my husband had his stroke he was very irritable and grumpy because he could not do the things he used to do.So he told me to ask the doctor if he could give him something for that.And the doctor did.An anti depressant/anti anxiety pill.It did improve his mood.I just don't like to take pills.They always have side effects.My alcoholic siblings all tried psychiatry and pills.Never worked for them.
Sell the house you say? In the condition it is in I think we would be lucky to break even.And it would be alot of work.Besides I would still be taking everything else with me.
So please. Tell me what you think.Share your ESH.I must be missing something.I blow up when things don't go my way.I get irritated when I have to deal with other people who don't do what I think they should or don't do what I would do.Some days I wake up in a bad mood because I hate my life.Husband hasn't had a meeting in weeks because of the virus.They finally opened the center so he went yesterday.I waited outside in the car with some reading material.He had to wear a mask.Only 10 people per meeting and they have to clean where they sit before they leave.He came back out after 10 minutes.Hated the mask,said he can't breath and is not going to clean.So he is not going back and he does not like the online meetings either,or online church.
I am asking for bold truth here.I want to know why I am so angry inside.Why do I lose it when things don't go my way.Why do I not want to give any more?I don't want anyone to ask me for anything,I don't like it,I feel like I have to do it and I do not want to.Feels like maybe something from my childhood that I have blocked.Or is it just the life I have had that has made me this way.I want to change,I really do.I do not like the person I have become.
Thank you for reading, Iris
(((iris)) The greatest gift of Alanon for me has been the courage to ask for help; the admission that I can't do everything on my own. No one can. I use to compare and despair a lot when it came to my life and my perception of others lives. Those ruminations only helped my self pity to fester and kept me from taking life affirming actions.
Our common bond when coming to Alanon is that we're affected by someone's drinking. That is the starting point when entering the rooms of the program. From there, the program and steps offer tools to be tailored to fit the individual. Alanon is not a one size fits all program. It's up to each of us if we care to to take what we like and leave the rest. One suggestion that I have found to be true - the steps of Alanon are in the order they are in for a reason and they work when you work them. Honestly, I thought this was a bunch of bs when I was new and in crisis.
Iris, there are additional resources out there no matter where you live for seniors. Volunteer organizations that offer help with chores, home repairs, grocery shopping. Additionally, there are support groups beyond Alanon, support groups particularly for caregivers. These resources are just a phone call away. No one can do it all alone . Especially at this time, people of all ages are seeking a little extra help. We are in a crisis situation right now.
Yesterday, I made a call and got some assistance. I had put it off for a few days thinking oh I can manage right now, oh someone else likely needs this more than I do. But I realized Iris that there's a big difference between being responsible for myself and wearing over responsibility like a hard won badge of honor. The latter in the past has kept me stuck to the pity pot so I picked up the phone and asked for help.The person on the phone was kind and caring. I didn't need to prove anything. They were there to help. I felt better for having reached out. By the afternoon, I'd gotten what I needed. My life felt a little more manageable.
It's only my own thinking that can keep me stuck. When I woulda, coulda, shoulda I am going down the road leading to a self pity ditch. When I change my mind, I'm free to head in a life affirming direction. I believe I'm worth it thanks to this program. I never have to go it alone and feel helpless today. I have a higher power and was reminded again yesterday that I can't do it all nor do it alone. That gives me great joy because I grow through connection with my hp and other human beings. I whither into fear projection when I choose to be an island. I hope you keep coming back iris and that you find answers that work for you. I think it's a very rare person who gets the life they imagined. We do have the power to change what we can however as the serenity prayer says. (((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Thursday 30th of April 2020 08:42:26 AM
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Thursday 30th of April 2020 08:58:01 AM
Third, and this is really the premise of my post and what I can speak to -- and that is alanon. I've read your posts here and there haven't been that many. However, several times you referred to something along the lines of "leaving" and "coming back" to alanon, not really sticking with it before, really giving it a chance this time, returning to alanon, making a commitment, etc. Your statement of saying you were really going to commit to alanon this time...was made about two weeks ago. I say this NOT IN JUDGEMENT...BUT...IN OBSERVATION. It took you more than 20 years to get where you are...it is going to take you more than two weeks to get out of where you are. Aside from making a commitment, alanon takes work. It takes effort. For me, it was simply not just going to meetings. If someone tells you JUST go to meetings and you will get better, my response is two-fold...one is, good luck with that...and two, that's not what I found in my experience. Yes, meeting makers make it, but in my experience it's meeting makers who actually do something with that they've learned -- that's who makes it! I am not trying to convince you to do anything. What I am saying is that -- one, no, alanon is not for everyone. It is the answer for many, but not for all. Two, alanon can and will work, if you commit to it, go to meetings, and do the work. It works if you work it...and you are worth it!
Whatever cards have been dealt, have been dealt. You cannot control or do anything about the cards you have been dealt. BUT...YOU are the only one who has control, YOU are the only one who makes the decisions, and YOU are the only one who decides HOW YOU PLAY THE HAND. Period. No one wants what they end up getting when they are married to an alcoholic, addict, unhealthy/dysfunctional person. No one. You live life looking and moving forward. Not facing, moving, and looking backward. How much effort, how much work you do in alanon is up to you. If you don't think or feel alanon is for you, that's fine. I don't think anyone will try and convince you it is. However, what I will say -- and it is not an effort to convince you of anything -- is that alanon worked for me. That's my experience. My situation was just as dire as your situation, relatively speaking. Everyone's situation is relative.
While some may say "recovery" -- and that words means something different to each person -- is very slow, for me, I can tell you that I experienced great results, great improvement in my situation, again, this is relative...in 30 days. But in those 30 days, I made my recovery the exclusive focal point. It was not just the most important thing to me -- it was the only thing I focused on for 30 days. I went to 2 meetings a day, I spoke to my sponsor at least twice a day, I did various readings with him and discussed these readings and what they meant to me, for me, how they applied to me, and so on.
This is not about why you are so angry. This is about who you are being...and who you want to be. You are angry because you are not healthy. You have no acceptance, no track or process to follow in order to get better. It's not just about being angry. It's about everything.
I wish you all the best.
Gracious Iris do I know and remember what you are talking about. I've been there and done that and I threaten those in either program that came forward to help me listen, understanding and heal. There were so many responses that we helpfully shared with me that I could not and would not try to understand and the old timers knew because the had our experiences also. I finally out of exasperation and impatience started to hear slogans that didn't make sense but gave me instruction that came with different outcomes than what I was having. Listen with and Open mind, When in doubt...dont, Take it slowly you didn't get here over night and you won't get out that way either...I listened, listened, listened and told myself the slogans when the old timers were not these and added to the program with literature and phone numbers and more even while saying over again what you have lead this discussion with. I found on and then two things that worked and came to understand that if I duplicated those working things my recovery would get better and here I am now still duplicating and with a life I would not surrender to a problem.
I pray that one day sooner or later you arrive at the peace of mind an
Hi Iris52, When I read your sharing, I felt so unhappy for you and where you are, and what you are trying to work through, and have so much on your mind, and in your life. I wanted so much to get back to you and say something that will, hopefully, for you to find Peace with. With all of you concerns, and reading them, the one thing that stood out for me, is what a Beautiful, Caring, Loving Lady you are. With all the awful things that are happening and you are facing in your life, you were still able to have courage and go back to that Lady, and reach out to her in Love, and Caring, and give her that Money. You reached out, for someone, like you, who you could see was so down, and you helped her. Have you any thought of how much you helped her, and gave her Hope. Like you need, and will get if you stay around and reach out to us,who use this Programme, you have so many people, who want to help you, find, what we have, Peace of Mind. When ever a new Comer came into a Meeting I was attending, Iwould always say to them, "When, you choose to walk through the doors of Alanon, You need never, ever, have to be alone, only, if You want to." Don't worry about, or think about, if Alanon is for you or not, I promise you, if you choose to continue to have the Courage, like you just did, and share from the Heart, and reach out for us to help you, Alanon, will get you.
When I read your Sharing, I have never, ever heard such an Honest, from the Heart sharing like you did. You are already reaching out, and wanting someone to help you, you must be feeling Trapped, well, Feelings are not Facts. You are already looking for solutions, one at a Time. Sure, like another member who answered your sharing,I have to work my Butt off, to get better, but it's worth it. I have to want to want it, as nothing comes easy, but I would much rather pay the price to have to work to get better, than to pay the price to stay feeling Trapped, or living with all the problems.
I hope and pray, you stay around, you are not alone, and you are worth getting all the good stuff in life. I will pray for you, for things to get better.
Love Wendy P.
Hi Iris, glad you stopped by, welcome...
From what you shared, it seems like you are in a better place than I was when I was introduced to AlAnon: you seem to know what will and what will not work for you.
I did not, I was exhausted emotionally and at a breaking point in my relationship after trying everything I could think of to try to address the challenges I faced. For the first time in my life, I could not 'fix' the situation.
I was a firm atheist (still am) after leaving a strong religious upbringing, thought 12-step programs were for 'others', certainly not me, for those who lacked the strength and willpower to do what they should. AA was for my spouse, they just needed to get it together I thought.
I found myself, however, at a breaking point nonetheless, despite all I thought I knew. I was sad, angry, resentful, and sliding into undesirable tendencies I thought only belonged to the alcoholic or insane. I was out of options beside walking away from everything.
A licensed caregiver recommended I take a look at AlAnon, that it had helped many people in my situation who had a relationship to someone whose drinking concerned me. I was willing to give it a shot, though I certainly had my reservations ('Oh no, the God thing, I can't do that' I told myself; I read up before I arrived, they promised that I didn't have to belong to a religion, or even believe in 'God', but could use my own concept of a power greater than myself), only because I felt I had tried everything else. I did not like who I was becoming...
I went into an AlAnon meeting with an open mind, threw out all the things I thought I knew, was willing to try anything if it provided insight and perspective that I could use, that was helpful. In my first meeting, I heard things that resonated, a perspective that made sense of the madness I was living. I decided to give it a sincere shot, read, listen, share, because I wanted to feel better...
That was 7 years ago, and it marked the beginning of a relief and started me on a journey of discovery and peace that has been life changing. During that time, I rubbed shoulders with, but was never required to become, someone with a firm belief in 'God' in classic terms, nor Bible, nor church...I was free to make up my own spiritual, not religious concepts. Some of these 'believers' have become my dearest friends from whom I've learned a great deal. I am blessed to have them as friends...
I am so, so glad I was desperate enough to try AlAnon, I've learned a better way of living, a better way of seeing the world and interacting with others. It turns out that I didn't know what would work for me, and certainly tried many things that didn't before I found AlAnon.
You may be right, AlAnon may not be the right thing, time, or place for you now. Whatever you choose to do, I certainly hope you find peace...you are always welcome here
-- Edited by Enigmatic on Sunday 3rd of May 2020 09:53:03 AM
could I go this again??? Hell no!!!! But the big thing was I stayed the course and FINALLY am, with the help of my beloved Higher Power, I am OK....I am finally OK with me...who/what I am...where I am at....yea, I have my bad times, but who does not, but I can sort it out and keep my emotional sobriety one day at a time.....
I can't advise you, just say to you PLEASE keep coming back....Alanon is for US...NOT them...We can love them and even stay with them if thats the next right thing to do, but we CAN and DO learn to detach from their BS and their drama and actually live for us
I divorced my alcoholics because that was the best thing for me....Some folks stay...some leave....but what ever they choose its for US, not them......
please give Alanon a chance....I was told give it a year and if I don't see any improvement (and I was a horrid mess) then I can quit....I've been in programme for since Feb. 2004....Love it, it and my HP are my life line
I enjoyed being in a place where recovery was the focal point -- the alanon program, the alanon recovery -- and that the alanon program doesn't discuss religion, as a matter of fact, alanon avoids discussion of specific religions, religious doctrines, etc. I embraced that alanon was about finding a power greater than me, greater than ourselves, who can help us solve our problems, handle the issues we are facing, teach us tools and give us strength to face the trials and tribulations of living with and/or loving an alcoholic... and ultimately, find serenity.
How many times have I seen a member of alanon define and relate to that power greater than themselves...COUNTLESS!!! In my experience, it is then that the person can begin to get better.
I absolutely embrace that alanon is a spiritual program. When I started, I was not spiritual at all. I had no connection and t know, understand, etc., anything about spirituality. Once I found recovery -- and got better, got healthy -- I now live a life I never could have conceived or even dreamed. My friends don't say "Oh, he's now spiritual" or "He's into spirituality" or anything of the like. They just see me being happy, healthy, and who I am at my core. They see that back then I was struggling, stressed out, etc. -- and today I am happy, fun, full of life, etc. It's not about being spiritual or being into spirituality. It's about who I am being.
I was absolutely convinced that Al-Anon was NOT for me. I felt that I'd been handed a raw deal, and had a bunch of 'if onlys' in my head that played over and over again. If only I wasn't married to a drunk, if only my kids weren't addicts, if only I had a better job, more money, no debt, etc....
Only when I hit my own bottom and realized I mattered did I embrace Al-Anon and still not necessarily with an open mind. What I did find is others who had real peace, joy and serenity and often with problems as bad or worse than mine. Those who welcomed me gave me just enough hope when I first arrived to keep me coming back until I came to understand that all was not lost and there really was hope.
Slowly, I've made changes in me that have improved my outlook and my life. It was not fast, it was not easy and it is far from perfect. What I do know is that each day I put me and recovery first is a way better day than when I don't. I also know that when I focus on what is good/improving around me instead of all that's still broken, I have way better days. I don't know that I buy into the concept that we're not given more than we can handle, yet I do see by experience that every single time I've thought I 'could not' go forward, there's been a way to do so.
You have a tough scenario with your husband's health issues + alcoholism. This pandemic just makes anything that was challenging harder yet. When life has felt too difficult or just too overwhelming, I tend to really focus on one day or one moment at a time. It doesn't solve everything but does bring me back to a place of centering/calm most of the time. I do know that many of the resources that are typically available have been slowed/reduced/stopped because of the pandemic and that just makes care-giving all the more difficult/overwhelming.
I am sending you tons of prayers, (((hugs))) and positive energy...sometimes, when it's all 'too much' I hear my sponsor say, Just Breathe, Breathe, and Breathe again. You're not alone and you are welcome here anytime!