Taken out Intervention Order, need advice on next step
Kazbell said
Apr 28, 2020
HI I am from Australia. Have been married for 22 years to a former AA member who has gone badly off track. He started drinking again 3 years into marriage and it got out of control very quickly, though he still to this day does not admit he has a problem. He has verbally and emotional abused by myself and our 16yo daughter to the point were daughter made suicide attempt to get away from him. Police were involved and spoke to me were I broke down and told them all that had been going on. We had nowhere to stay, so police took out an intervention order and removed him from the house. To say he was angry is an understatment. Our court case is tomorrow and I am not allowed to go due to it being a police case. I am struggling with grief and overwhelming loss that I feel. Still love him and want him back. I should never to have had to make the choice between him and our child. I want him to know that this was not done out of hate but love in the hope we can push him back to AA so he can be the husband and father we had and need again. Should I write a letter and somehow get it to him explaining how much we love and care for him, to accept what has happened and go to AA and we will do family counselling with the hope of being able to revoke the intervention order in 6 months.
mamalioness said
Apr 29, 2020
Dear Kazbell, I am glad you did what you did...your kid tried suicide??? OMG, that must have been scary for you and so terrible for her to be in such feelings of despair and hopelessness....I do hope you can find Alanon meets for yourself and Alanon or Alateen meets for her because thats concerning, when your kid tries to kill herself...
as to the "push him back to AA" you cannot do it...HE has to do it...you did not CAUSE this, you will never CONTROL this and for sure you won't CURE this....He will either go or he won't go, no matter what you do or say, he will do what he wants to do..That is why I hope you focus on you and your child...SHE needs at least one stable parent or she will be in recovery like the rest of us....
I can't tell you what to do, I can only suggest....Alanon fac2fac meetings, working the 12 steps and getting a sponsor and getting daughter into program to save HER life from dysfunction, AND why did I pick bad men??? Because I had a bad father....Kids marry their parents, lots of times...I married two alcoholics....It was my "comfort zone" I did not know any other way to live, but drinking and debase behavior and abuse, thats all I knew....there was no healthy parent to take me to therapy/12 steps to show me that there IS a better way.....
Please keep coming back....
newnoz said
Apr 29, 2020
Hi Kazbell,
I'm Nora and I live in Australia, too.
Can you attend meetings via Zoom or the like? I'm more than happy to point you in the direction of what meeting I know about. It sounds like the first advice you need is from someone who knows the law.
I cant counsel, anyone, as I am not a counsellor. I can offer you the support you need and a place where you are listened to and that it will get better though probably not in a hurry.
Tonight, I'm recovering from a pulled tooth so I'm not totally on my game but that is one of the advantages of Al-Anon: some of us are good and some are in crisis at any given moment.
If you are able and willing to do an online meeting I recommend it. There is a reason I'm still here after soooo many years.
Hugs,
Nora
Kazbell said
May 1, 2020
Many thanks to both of you for taking time out to reach out to me. Police and i agreed to varying order for us go text, but AH solicitor said no and order was shortened to six months. I am going through a stage like grieving as if AH has died, i cry all the time, curled in a ball in bed...poor 16yo is doing everything for me, but cannot get it together...i miss him feel physically sick with what has ocurred, can only pray he will go back into AA, and begin the steps to make amends to us, so we can a family again. Nora thank you for the ifo re: online meeting, all new at this so will have to look into joining etc and start. Thanks once again
Bo said
May 1, 2020
Nora, can you post a few of the zoom meetings in Australia you know about (and the town/city where they are -- so we can figure out local time there vs. local time here)?
HI I am from Australia. Have been married for 22 years to a former AA member who has gone badly off track. He started drinking again 3 years into marriage and it got out of control very quickly, though he still to this day does not admit he has a problem. He has verbally and emotional abused by myself and our 16yo daughter to the point were daughter made suicide attempt to get away from him. Police were involved and spoke to me were I broke down and told them all that had been going on. We had nowhere to stay, so police took out an intervention order and removed him from the house. To say he was angry is an understatment. Our court case is tomorrow and I am not allowed to go due to it being a police case. I am struggling with grief and overwhelming loss that I feel. Still love him and want him back. I should never to have had to make the choice between him and our child. I want him to know that this was not done out of hate but love in the hope we can push him back to AA so he can be the husband and father we had and need again. Should I write a letter and somehow get it to him explaining how much we love and care for him, to accept what has happened and go to AA and we will do family counselling with the hope of being able to revoke the intervention order in 6 months.
as to the "push him back to AA" you cannot do it...HE has to do it...you did not CAUSE this, you will never CONTROL this and for sure you won't CURE this....He will either go or he won't go, no matter what you do or say, he will do what he wants to do..That is why I hope you focus on you and your child...SHE needs at least one stable parent or she will be in recovery like the rest of us....
I can't tell you what to do, I can only suggest....Alanon fac2fac meetings, working the 12 steps and getting a sponsor and getting daughter into program to save HER life from dysfunction, AND why did I pick bad men??? Because I had a bad father....Kids marry their parents, lots of times...I married two alcoholics....It was my "comfort zone" I did not know any other way to live, but drinking and debase behavior and abuse, thats all I knew....there was no healthy parent to take me to therapy/12 steps to show me that there IS a better way.....
Please keep coming back....
I'm Nora and I live in Australia, too.
Can you attend meetings via Zoom or the like? I'm more than happy to point you in the direction of what meeting I know about. It sounds like the first advice you need is from someone who knows the law.
I cant counsel, anyone, as I am not a counsellor. I can offer you the support you need and a place where you are listened to and that it will get better though probably not in a hurry.
Tonight, I'm recovering from a pulled tooth so I'm not totally on my game but that is one of the advantages of Al-Anon: some of us are good and some are in crisis at any given moment.
If you are able and willing to do an online meeting I recommend it. There is a reason I'm still here after soooo many years.
Hugs,
Nora
Thank you in advance.
Bo