SELF CARE INVENTORY_SATURDAY----You are NOT gonna believe this one!!!!!!!
mamalioness said
Apr 25, 2020
I felt terrible giving roommate notice over the A/C thingy and her being combatative over MY need to keep the A/C at 79-80 and use FANS....I'm older, I get cold easier now...but 79 is about my limit...she wanted it colder and we had gotten "into it" over it and when she checked the thermostat and saw that it was 80 instead of 79, and confronted me, i got MAD!!! Yea, I thought setting was on r. side...temp on left...it was in reverse because 79 was on l. side. setting was on r. side
anyway , I served her notice, she signed it and yea, I felt like "heeeer we go again, financial fear, work is bad, having to maybe work for bad jobs, just to make ends meet , hunt for better job, so I can quit the bad one......and I got DEPRESSED
Other than the AC thing and other issues (immaturity/boundary crashing) she really is a NICE little lady...Just UNtrained....well??? by this time, (3 weeks) I got her half trained.....so I prayed about it because I did feel bad and I DON"T want to be in financial fear
I saw her this morning and she was very sweet, apologized for being combatative and said to me that I was a very nice lady and such a blessing to her and she reeeeely liked me a lot and was learning from me a lot
well, I look at her and basically said and I can almost quote me
"it gave me NO joy to give you the eviction notice....In fact it made me very sad...You are one of the NICEST people...Kind, owning your mistakes, willing to learn, willing to do better, I really LIKE you and I feel terrible that this break up is over an impasse about the A/C #1, I get cold easy and #2, the old unit, I just cannot afford to replace if we run it into the ground---but I want you to know that other than the speed bumps we've had, and we HAVE managed to sort out everything but this one issue re: the AC, i feel VERY badly about this and I want you to know that there is NO defect in you, we just cannot get over this hump"
We had a great chat...she praised me for my patience, kindness and firm boundaries that were totally 100% fair, etc., it was nice...we even hugged
well, later in the day, she said to me...."what if I can rig up the $$ to buy a portable, window AC for MY room, YOU keep your AC at 80 or whatever and I'll use my portable for my room????" I googled how much usage these things use and its like 1/8th if that much AND we discussed it and we both decided...."lets pray about it" since we are both 12 steppers, "lets pray to God and then do a step 3...detach....see whats in HP's mind for us..."
she expressed she did not want to lose her happy, nice home...I expressed that I am tired and don't want to have to work so much, and be in fear when job is done or does not work out, etc., we both agreed that its more good then not good, sharing and I get $500 per month AND she agreed to pay what is over $100 on my electric bill since I showed her my average is in 80s to 90's because I am conservative and frugal....she said "no problem, I will reimburse you for $$ that is over the $100 mark"
so we decided to pray about it which we did, together and NOW the big step THREE.....LEAVE it to God....Take our hands off.....detach.....we got 5 weeks, so HP for sure will let us know BY then....
I can't believe this happened, its like we both were on the same page...and she is SO likable...tho I want to choke her at times, she IS willing to learn and do better and shes so danged likable....
we had a great day....I cut and styled her hair and she was all excited at the results...and we had bible study with my beloved pastor, she knows him some, but he and I are good friends....and yea, we had a great ZOOM bible study and just a good day!!!! I went to Wallworld and bought kitty supplies and some house stuff , training kitty to be in a harness so i can take him for "walkies" up to see Linda up the street
but how about this???? if it were not for this program, I would have dug in, stuck to my decision, I would not have gone to her and TOLD her that it made me sad to have to get rid of someone who is likable, honest and has so many GOOD qualities, I felt terrible tossing the baby out with the bath water....AND I got her half trained, LOL
I NEVER would have been able to just be humble, kind and tell her it gave me no joy to serve notice and then listing all her good points.....THAT triggered HER response that she doesn't want to lose her home if it can be helped...and SHE came up with the idea of a window unit in her room
so we are "LETS see what HP has in mind for us"
bottom line.....if it is RIGHT for her to stay, we will resolve this issue.....if it is NOT right for her to stay, then that means HP has something VERY good for both of us as we are really decent people who do want to do the right thing by us and by others......
so the chapter aint over yet...
I prayed again, later, and I told HP "THY will not mine be done" if she is to go, then HP will provide for me, my needs will be met in some other, better way...and she will get HER needs met
mamalioness said
Apr 26, 2020
Oh I got criticized by some people who do not believe in second chances and its funny I notice both of them are financially independent and do not need help from anyone. Must be nice to be rather wealthy or at the very least very comfortable. I am not in that spot. I cant work at the level I would need to work at my age to get my needs met
I am one of the many who needs help so yeah I am going to give this a second chance. I am so tired of living in financial fear. Fear if I lose a job or having to stay in a bad job because I need the money so bad
And I am tired of being alone. And I guess the bottom line is that she is willing and she does make amends
I do believe when the other is willing to work and do better and shows me, I do believe in second chances but that would be it though
-- Edited by mamalioness on Sunday 26th of April 2020 11:31:20 AM
-- Edited by mamalioness on Sunday 26th of April 2020 11:42:28 AM
PosiesandPuppies said
Apr 26, 2020
Well, you're right Rose, I couldn't believe it when I first read your post!
But I DO believe in second chances, so if you feel it is right for YOU, then who am I to say what your are doing is wrong??
I have been in the past, and am now in a present that is not financially stable. I am fully aware that I cannot fully support myself as an adult. It brings me shame, anger and huge feelings of inadequacy that I fight every day. I understand your fears... except for the 'tired of being alone' part, I GET YOU!!
The way I see it, you chose a path that was good and right for you, but your HP wanted something else for you... so she created an interaction between the two of you where you both could work things out!
I especially loved your intelligent critique of how you handled things now, compared to how you would've handled things in the past. Well done!
It's all good, man!! (Saul Goodman reference!)
Best of luck and program to this, Rose!!!
&
mamalioness said
Apr 26, 2020
thank you ((((((((((((((((PnP)))))))))))))))))))))))) yea, she frustrates me at times, but what is worse???? here and there frustration OR not being able to support me.........I'll be 74 in Sept. I cannot work at the level I need to to take care of me...........Soc. Sec. does not cut it..........I traded the fear for the sometimes frustration and she IS trying...she does NOT want to lose her home and I think that was a wake up call........serving her the notice.....I hope so.........there is nothing worse then not being able to meet my needs
Bo said
Apr 26, 2020
Rose, I don't believe this has anything to do with second chances. It's so easy for people to pick on minutia in order to prove a point, substantiate their argument, or one of a hundred things. They do it from a position of either -- to judge or to support. Personally, I find that very transparent. I find it can be passive/aggressive. I find it to be unhealthy. But hey, that's just me, my feelings, my experience. I don't deal with people who do that. Being supportive can be wonderful. Being there for someone in a healthy, supportive way. Sure, there is always if you don't agree with someone. That's not the point here, at least not the way I see it.
Rose, while I haven't responded, I have read -- as I always do -- every single one of your posts/threads. Always. I didn't reply primarily because with every one of your posts, you seem to have a handle on and a sense of comfort, and peace, in and around the issue(s) at hand.
That said, first, I didn't see the posts where you got "criticized" so even if I wanted to, I can't speak to that. The reality is I wouldn't speak to that as that's not really part of my nature, nor part of the alanon program. I like you don't do drama. I am here to read, contribute, and be in a healthy, friendly, functioning forum. If there are signs of it not being that, I don't participate in that. Now, I get that this isn't a conference approved, official alanon forum, but while people pick and choose when and what alanon does and doesn't apply here -- the principles of the program speak to -- there are no musts in alanon, that alanon is a safe place, where people and their actions aren't judged (well, doesn't a lot of that go on! LOL) or criticized, and where people can be supported in a caring, loving way. Sure, if someone is looking for objectivity and accountability, they can ask for it and get it...from their sponsor. From a friend. Get it when you and and from who you ask.
That said, I am so glad you were "in action" on this, "took action" and did what YOU wanted and felt was the next right thing in front of you. It doesn't matter what your process is, was, etc. It's yours. You did the next right thing in front of you. Period. As always...great for you!
All the best Rose.
tiredtonite said
Apr 26, 2020
Nothing wrong with second chances ((Rose))) To me, progress in Alanon is to not have black and white thinking, to not make assumptions about people. It takes time to get to know someone. You know what's best for you, what you need for a physically, emotionally and spiritually balanced life. More will be revealed. TT
mamalioness said
Apr 26, 2020
Hey Bo, when I realllllly look at it, I think it is practicalities.....like YOU so succinctly said....."you did the next right thing for you" and that was what I did....
I weight the percentages like "can this work???" "is it a blessing for both of us?????" (yea, I care about her, too, but I am putting MY needs first) and I looked at what options do I have.......
try to work more which as I age is getting harder and harder for me to do with PTSD?????
OR...communicate with this roommate I have IN FRONT OF ME....(bird in the hand) my boundaries, "lets sort this out and SEE if we can BOTH help each other" OR do we call it a day and say adios.....
I worked the BEST option I had for me RIGHT NOW....and again, Like you said "in front of me" I worked the best option I have RIGHT NOW and that was to have a heart to heart talk wtih her after I had given her the notice, and I dn't even know what prompted me to approach her, but something inside of me prompted me to talk to her and just TELL her that she is a nice young lady---kind---decent---a good human being, "but HERE is the DEAL" and I listed to her the issues I had and it was ALL behavior, not character....Things I need that were NOT getting done and also boundaries I have in place that HAVE to be observed...........and I was kind and told her I liked her which I do and we just had this great chat....so yea, a 2nd chance is a very "doable" option
You hit the nail on the head....AND also, I figure HP put us in each other's paths to bless BOTH OF US.....AND if this is HP's will for me, it will work........if not??? Then we peacefully call it a day, no harm...no foul....
but being unable to financially meet my needs ON MY OWN has failed thus far and Covid further torpedo'd any chance of my being independent and being able to support me..............so there again............WHAT OPTION did I have????? give her a 2nd chance and hope for the best.....her background is clean...squeeky clean.....she is very well respected in our church......a decent gamble, I would say.....
I am glad I had that heart to heart with her AND the homeless lady today, I think set her thinking that "hey I am blessed to be where I am at with a nice lady/landlord---I need to get my mud together or I am going to be out of a place to stay".........I KNOW that is what she was thinking because she SAID that to me......
ACTIONS speak louder than words....I am open to see what happens during this next 5 weeks as her notice was to vacate, (re: our rental agreement) Jun 3rd.....
I am praying that it works out because as I age, my nerve damage tires me out more doing work that requires intense concentration.....so yea, I worked the best option IN FRONT OF ME as you said.......
thank you for such a great post to me......I am gaining peace within me and my surroundings as I gain a loving relationship with my HP and am learning that I CAN trust my HP............it took a hell of a long time to get to the point where I am actually OK doing the big step 3......
mamalioness said
Apr 26, 2020
tiredtonite wrote:
It takes time to get to know someone. You know what's best for you, what you need for a physically, emotionally and spiritually balanced life. More will be revealed. TT
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((TT))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) AS usual, you always give me a blessing when you ESH my posts..........Spot on, my friend.............and I do believe "more will be revealed" I hope life is treating you great................
Maresie888 said
Apr 28, 2020
First of all the person who is most hard on you is yourself .
This is an unprecedented crisis. The COViD 19 crisis makes life really impossible for everyone. The less you have the harder it is.
The recession that is coming does indeed demand you take steps to protect yourself
Of course things are going to get harder
Much much harder
Whatever issues you have will not be solved in one day
There is nothing wrong with struggling.
There is nothing wrong with not having all the answers
I have definitely been there.
Be good to yourself .
You do not have to solve this in one day or even in a month
You have come a long way . Incredible success against all the odds
Maresie
mamalioness said
Apr 28, 2020
((((((((((((((Maresie)))))))))))))))))))))) you are SPOT on.....the recession that is coming, I am going to DETACH DETACH....budget and just trust in God, I will be OK....I am committed to doing steps 1, 2, 3....Let my HP deal wtih the stuff thats over my head....I can't do anything anyway, but be careful with my money, if roommate works out, that will be a big help....ONE DAY AT A TIME.......Hope you are doing ok
Maresie888 said
May 2, 2020
I am not doing okay
Way too much on
Moving (with no helo)
Being sick earlier this year
Staying with a friend who is an alcoholic
That did not work out well for me. The only oart that worked out was the dog. He has a bacjyard. That heloed with the dog .
Anyway I have paid him for another two weeks. I do not have that much over there mainly clothes
I will have someone helo me with the rest of the stuff that is a short distance from the apartment
Lost my job had to get another job
The list is long avd gruelling
I am taking it one day at a time
One minute at a time
mamalioness said
May 2, 2020
Maresie, sometimes one minute at a time is all i can deal with....hang in there....this all shall pass, at SOME time
Maresie888 said
May 3, 2020
The only way this will pass is with work on my part. I have to move stuff. I have to physically withdraw from my friend drowning in his depression.
He has nade ut this long he can keep on with it. Then I have to seek support elsewhere.
What it amounts to is a whole lot of work. I also have to go back to therapy after I get that done
Doesnt seem like a fun few weeks for me
All that on top.of the Covid crisis is a bit much
I hace been working hard in losing weight too. Food was and is a big solace for me. Not having food is extremely difficult becaude it was a way to reward nyself
I have akso been exercisimg a lot and that is very tiring
Still overwhelmed and resentful
Maresie
I felt terrible giving roommate notice over the A/C thingy and her being combatative over MY need to keep the A/C at 79-80 and use FANS....I'm older, I get cold easier now...but 79 is about my limit...she wanted it colder and we had gotten "into it" over it and when she checked the thermostat and saw that it was 80 instead of 79, and confronted me, i got MAD!!! Yea, I thought setting was on r. side...temp on left...it was in reverse because 79 was on l. side. setting was on r. side
anyway , I served her notice, she signed it and yea, I felt like "heeeer we go again, financial fear, work is bad, having to maybe work for bad jobs, just to make ends meet , hunt for better job, so I can quit the bad one......and I got DEPRESSED
Other than the AC thing and other issues (immaturity/boundary crashing) she really is a NICE little lady...Just UNtrained....well??? by this time, (3 weeks) I got her half trained.....so I prayed about it because I did feel bad and I DON"T want to be in financial fear
I saw her this morning and she was very sweet, apologized for being combatative and said to me that I was a very nice lady and such a blessing to her and she reeeeely liked me a lot and was learning from me a lot
well, I look at her and basically said and I can almost quote me
"it gave me NO joy to give you the eviction notice....In fact it made me very sad...You are one of the NICEST people...Kind, owning your mistakes, willing to learn, willing to do better, I really LIKE you and I feel terrible that this break up is over an impasse about the A/C #1, I get cold easy and #2, the old unit, I just cannot afford to replace if we run it into the ground---but I want you to know that other than the speed bumps we've had, and we HAVE managed to sort out everything but this one issue re: the AC, i feel VERY badly about this and I want you to know that there is NO defect in you, we just cannot get over this hump"
We had a great chat...she praised me for my patience, kindness and firm boundaries that were totally 100% fair, etc., it was nice...we even hugged
well, later in the day, she said to me...."what if I can rig up the $$ to buy a portable, window AC for MY room, YOU keep your AC at 80 or whatever and I'll use my portable for my room????" I googled how much usage these things use and its like 1/8th if that much AND we discussed it and we both decided...."lets pray about it" since we are both 12 steppers, "lets pray to God and then do a step 3...detach....see whats in HP's mind for us..."
she expressed she did not want to lose her happy, nice home...I expressed that I am tired and don't want to have to work so much, and be in fear when job is done or does not work out, etc., we both agreed that its more good then not good, sharing and I get $500 per month AND she agreed to pay what is over $100 on my electric bill since I showed her my average is in 80s to 90's because I am conservative and frugal....she said "no problem, I will reimburse you for $$ that is over the $100 mark"
so we decided to pray about it which we did, together and NOW the big step THREE.....LEAVE it to God....Take our hands off.....detach.....we got 5 weeks, so HP for sure will let us know BY then....
I can't believe this happened, its like we both were on the same page...and she is SO likable...tho I want to choke her at times, she IS willing to learn and do better and shes so danged likable....
we had a great day....I cut and styled her hair and she was all excited at the results...and we had bible study with my beloved pastor, she knows him some, but he and I are good friends....and yea, we had a great ZOOM bible study and just a good day!!!! I went to Wallworld and bought kitty supplies and some house stuff , training kitty to be in a harness so i can take him for "walkies" up to see Linda up the street
but how about this???? if it were not for this program, I would have dug in, stuck to my decision, I would not have gone to her and TOLD her that it made me sad to have to get rid of someone who is likable, honest and has so many GOOD qualities, I felt terrible tossing the baby out with the bath water....AND I got her half trained, LOL
I NEVER would have been able to just be humble, kind and tell her it gave me no joy to serve notice and then listing all her good points.....THAT triggered HER response that she doesn't want to lose her home if it can be helped...and SHE came up with the idea of a window unit in her room
so we are "LETS see what HP has in mind for us"
bottom line.....if it is RIGHT for her to stay, we will resolve this issue.....if it is NOT right for her to stay, then that means HP has something VERY good for both of us as we are really decent people who do want to do the right thing by us and by others......
so the chapter aint over yet...
I prayed again, later, and I told HP "THY will not mine be done" if she is to go, then HP will provide for me, my needs will be met in some other, better way...and she will get HER needs met
Oh I got criticized by some people who do not believe in second chances and its funny I notice both of them are financially independent and do not need help from anyone. Must be nice to be rather wealthy or at the very least very comfortable. I am not in that spot. I cant work at the level I would need to work at my age to get my needs met
I am one of the many who needs help so yeah I am going to give this a second chance. I am so tired of living in financial fear. Fear if I lose a job or having to stay in a bad job because I need the money so bad
And I am tired of being alone. And I guess the bottom line is that she is willing and she does make amends
I do believe when the other is willing to work and do better and shows me, I do believe in second chances but that would be it though
-- Edited by mamalioness on Sunday 26th of April 2020 11:31:20 AM
-- Edited by mamalioness on Sunday 26th of April 2020 11:42:28 AM
Well, you're right Rose, I couldn't believe it when I first read your post!
But I DO believe in second chances, so if you feel it is right for YOU, then who am I to say what your are doing is wrong??
I have been in the past, and am now in a present that is not financially stable. I am fully aware that I cannot fully support myself as an adult. It brings me shame, anger and huge feelings of inadequacy that I fight every day. I understand your fears... except for the 'tired of being alone' part, I GET YOU!!
The way I see it, you chose a path that was good and right for you, but your HP wanted something else for you... so she created an interaction between the two of you where you both could work things out!
I especially loved your intelligent critique of how you handled things now, compared to how you would've handled things in the past. Well done!
It's all good, man!! (Saul Goodman reference!)
Best of luck and program to this, Rose!!!
Rose, while I haven't responded, I have read -- as I always do -- every single one of your posts/threads. Always. I didn't reply primarily because with every one of your posts, you seem to have a handle on and a sense of comfort, and peace, in and around the issue(s) at hand.
That said, first, I didn't see the posts where you got "criticized" so even if I wanted to, I can't speak to that. The reality is I wouldn't speak to that as that's not really part of my nature, nor part of the alanon program. I like you don't do drama. I am here to read, contribute, and be in a healthy, friendly, functioning forum. If there are signs of it not being that, I don't participate in that. Now, I get that this isn't a conference approved, official alanon forum, but while people pick and choose when and what alanon does and doesn't apply here -- the principles of the program speak to -- there are no musts in alanon, that alanon is a safe place, where people and their actions aren't judged (well, doesn't a lot of that go on! LOL) or criticized, and where people can be supported in a caring, loving way. Sure, if someone is looking for objectivity and accountability, they can ask for it and get it...from their sponsor. From a friend. Get it when you and and from who you ask.
That said, I am so glad you were "in action" on this, "took action" and did what YOU wanted and felt was the next right thing in front of you. It doesn't matter what your process is, was, etc. It's yours. You did the next right thing in front of you. Period. As always...great for you!
All the best Rose.
Nothing wrong with second chances ((Rose))) To me, progress in Alanon is to not have black and white thinking, to not make assumptions about people. It takes time to get to know someone. You know what's best for you, what you need for a physically, emotionally and spiritually balanced life. More will be revealed. TT
I weight the percentages like "can this work???" "is it a blessing for both of us?????" (yea, I care about her, too, but I am putting MY needs first) and I looked at what options do I have.......
try to work more which as I age is getting harder and harder for me to do with PTSD?????
OR...communicate with this roommate I have IN FRONT OF ME....(bird in the hand) my boundaries, "lets sort this out and SEE if we can BOTH help each other" OR do we call it a day and say adios.....
I worked the BEST option I had for me RIGHT NOW....and again, Like you said "in front of me" I worked the best option I have RIGHT NOW and that was to have a heart to heart talk wtih her after I had given her the notice, and I dn't even know what prompted me to approach her, but something inside of me prompted me to talk to her and just TELL her that she is a nice young lady---kind---decent---a good human being, "but HERE is the DEAL" and I listed to her the issues I had and it was ALL behavior, not character....Things I need that were NOT getting done and also boundaries I have in place that HAVE to be observed...........and I was kind and told her I liked her which I do and we just had this great chat....so yea, a 2nd chance is a very "doable" option
You hit the nail on the head....AND also, I figure HP put us in each other's paths to bless BOTH OF US.....AND if this is HP's will for me, it will work........if not??? Then we peacefully call it a day, no harm...no foul....
but being unable to financially meet my needs ON MY OWN has failed thus far and Covid further torpedo'd any chance of my being independent and being able to support me..............so there again............WHAT OPTION did I have????? give her a 2nd chance and hope for the best.....her background is clean...squeeky clean.....she is very well respected in our church......a decent gamble, I would say.....
I am glad I had that heart to heart with her AND the homeless lady today, I think set her thinking that "hey I am blessed to be where I am at with a nice lady/landlord---I need to get my mud together or I am going to be out of a place to stay".........I KNOW that is what she was thinking because she SAID that to me......
ACTIONS speak louder than words....I am open to see what happens during this next 5 weeks as her notice was to vacate, (re: our rental agreement) Jun 3rd.....
I am praying that it works out because as I age, my nerve damage tires me out more doing work that requires intense concentration.....so yea, I worked the best option IN FRONT OF ME as you said.......
thank you for such a great post to me......I am gaining peace within me and my surroundings as I gain a loving relationship with my HP and am learning that I CAN trust my HP............it took a hell of a long time to get to the point where I am actually OK doing the big step 3......
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((TT))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) AS usual, you always give me a blessing when you ESH my posts..........Spot on, my friend.............and I do believe "more will be revealed" I hope life is treating you great................