Fair warning, this will be long, but I felt having my process "out there" would not only help me, but maybe a newcomer as well... b/c I know I just wanted some answers when I first joined, but never got straight answers (b/c we don't give advice to others). I get it now, but it was very frustrating at first to know "how to" do something when no one gives advice! LOL!
Let me please state however, this is not advice, but an account of my process of working through my dilemma... buckle up and hold on if you dare!
I have to give some history, b/c I don't talk much about my adult kid here. He is almost 20. He went to college the first year out of high school, but has since dropped out to work full-time. We live in the same house. While going to college, I would provide for his needs, and he could live with me rent-free. Once he began working full-time, I readjusted this arrangement so that he could help me out with rent... it's not much, but I felt it would help him learn as he moves forward with this life. I have worked VERY hard w/my program to understand what is within my hula hoop and to treat him as a young adult. I made boundaries and stuck to them. One of those boundaries was no smoking/vaping and or other drugs in my house. I understood he may partake with this friends elsewhere, but I no longer control him and I hoped that he would make smart choices. I DID help him find scientific information on what certain drugs will do to your brain (including alcohol), and reminded him (ad nauseam at first - 17-18 yrs old) about his potential for genetic predetermination of addiction. He suffers from anxiety. He has previously been to a therapist (for various reasons including an alcoholic father - in high school), but no longer wishes to do so. With the exception of one time I had to restate my boundary, he has been very good about not partaking in my house. He even removes his jackets before coming in the house (after work) b/c he knows I am super sensitive/allergic to cigarette smoke.
Present Day - My son was having an anxiety attack last night b/c of his lack of money and inability to make any (he's been laid off for a month due to COVID). After I calmed him down and discussed positives that will be coming his way (unemployment benefits, stimulus check etc), I realized that he had mentioned he has decimated his checking and his savings account. I ask him, "How could you blow through $500 some odd dollars in 1 month?" He immediately took offense to this and told me that "He's never sharing anything with me again!" I took a step back and told him to hold on, I may have said that with my "mom voice" unintentionally, but I provide all your food/needs and I have suspended your rent payment while you are unemployed. I am just not understanding why you weren't more frugal since I kept telling you this thing was going to be serious and last a long time. I did not say it as a judgment of you or what you may be buying. He told me that he understood, he just has "things" he needs. I said "OK, well, I am sorry you no longer have money. You will have to wait until you get your unemployment I guess." I then backed off and went back to bed.
Problem? I have red-flags popping up all over the place! Many of them triggered by behaviors that my Ex used to do when we were married and he was active in his addictions. Needless to say, my mind raced and I didn't sleep well. This morning I was still fussing over this. So this is what I did:
1. I decided to Pause. I was not going to say anything about this until I calmed down.
2. On the way to work, my little voice (HP) said, "Why don't you call your sponsor?" So I texted her. Her answer was short, as she had been called to work in NY. "Check your motives for saying anything," she said.
3. So I began to peel away at the "Why"s" of me wanting to discuss this with my son. What I found out was that I was operating from a place of FEAR and wanted to JADE. I had no concrete evidence that my son was spending his money on drugs. Even if he did spend it on weed, it doesn't mean he is an addict. And, even if I did bring this up with him, I will never know if he will tell me the truth (or some half-truth). My problem was that I was feeling all the old feelings from living with an addict: wondering where all the money was going, knowing 2 + 2 did not add up to 4, but being gas-lit, and feeling like I will need to start hiding my money/valuables b/c I know an addict will do anything. These OLD FEELINGS are what I want to get rid of! I also felt that he needed to know where my anxiety stems from. You see, I have never fully disclosed to him what his father did in our relationship b/c I wanted him to have an opportunity to have an unbiased (except for his own) relationship with his father. But I feel like without the reasons why I feel the way I do, he will see these old feelings/behaviors as wrong and unjustly directed to him. In reality, I know that I cannot control him. I understand that I may not get the answer I want, and even if I do, I probably won't believe him. Or worse yet, I'll be all too happy to believe him b/c living in denial would be easier than enforcing my boundary and kicking him out. What kind of mother kicks their kid out during a pandemic?
So even though I have paused... contacted my sponsor and taken her advice, I still am troubled by the feeling that I can't trust my son in my house... all because of some red flags and the POSSIBILITY that he may have spent all his savings on cigarettes/vape/weed.
If you are still with me, are there any thoughts/ESH from those who have walked this path before?
Thank you, and and good health to ya!
DavidG said
Apr 14, 2020
P... the word or phrase that came into my mind, as I read through was "adult is a verb". I appreciated the share enormously. Our youngest two are into their 30's now, but I relate 100% to your share. But the adulting is what we do, basically, inside of the rooms, and here we are heard and listened to. It is humbling and privilege to be a part of this. This week we have been talking here about sponsors... ...but the same does apply to our fellow members, sister and brothers. Sometimes i think I learn through osmosis, inside of Alanon. ...
Bettertomorrow said
Apr 14, 2020
Greetings PnP and for your share. There is so much evidence of you continuing to work the programme in such a positive and inspirational way.
My experience is actually based on one of your tag lines. I have two children now old enough to drink (18 here in the UK) and another nearly 16 year old going off to various parties where other parents believe it is ok to allow alcohol which I have found out after the party (actually from my son who has chosen not to drink there). I know that both of my older two have got drunk (as would many 19 and 20 year olds) and my natural reaction before I checked my feelings was they are on the start of the same path as their AF. (Incidentally both of the older two did know the depths of what was happening with my AH as pre programme I enlisted their 'help' in searching for the bottles, persuading, arguing and all the rest of the negative behaviours I engaged in).
One of the things which helped me was your tag line (which I never heard before reading this here), which I have now been using regularly for the last 3 years or so and asking myself which wolf I was feeding and I was invariably feeding my inner anxious wolf, whilst the serenity wolf went hungry. I knew with my older two that I could so easily start to feed the anxiety wolf and that I would lose my peace in the process when I actually have no control over them as they are technically adults. I don't have the same red flags as you share, but as you have already reflected on yourself, the Al Anon process is something we use with all people in our lives.
Love and hugs (()) Joanne
tiredtonite said
Apr 14, 2020
Hi Pnp,
I'm glad you shared how you're processing this financial revelation concerning your son. Our program is a simple one that speaking for myself, I can sometimes complicate. I can worry at times about things that never come to fruition. I can project the past onto the present. That leads to obsession, being controlled by a singular thought typically that isn't in the best interest of my serenity or well being. That person, place or thing then becomes my higher power and I am hostage to fear based racing thoughts.
What I've noticed from reading your posts about your relationship with your son is that you have a very good relationship with him. I noticed a lot of very open communication about just about everything. I may be wrong but from what I've read I sense there is real trust between you. I think with any of our loved ones all we can offer is our availability to "talk to each other, reason things out with one another." With that said, we can't make someone else willing to be willing if they've changed their mind, thrown a rock in the path and are blocking us. This is especially the time when I pray and ask my higher power for wisdom concerning the next right action. This usually works reasonably well for me. I know because I often feel more serene, more aware of how inadequate my will is as compared to my hp's will for me. It's a way of sitting with feelings and letting them pass through me. I can admit my fears to my hp and my fears for those I love and ask for help. I tend to like the 3rd step prayer because it helps me to better see an alignment between my hp's will for me and my own. Sometimes my mind can be so off to the races that I need instructions literally.
I know that I have boundaries in place and sometimes have to adjust them boundaries according to how I'm feeling. It's my life and my right do so. Better safe than sorry. I don't JADE. If a decision affects someone else, simply saying that this is something I gave thought and decided is respectfully letting them know in case they need to put something in place concerning themself. I don't need to engage in a back of forth tug of war of wills.
I need to be very mindful of codependency, simbiotic relationships. Is the interdependence healthy? This is where putting Alanon into practice becomes so important. In stressful times in particular close relationships, I tend to need to identify what I'm really feeling. Love, pity and enmeshment can become a ball of confusion. I learned a long time ago in this program that my boundaries need to be the same no matter what my relationship to the other person. This can be very difficult to adhere to at times but for myself anyway, my the measure of serenity and health are sometimes connected to my ability to say what I mean, mean what I say and not saying it mean. I want to keep in mind that such practices aren't selfish, they're self preservation.
Thanks for sharing (((pnp)))) I hope you have a good day today and will do something especially nurturing for yourself. TT
Temple said
Apr 14, 2020
Oh Dear Posies--
I haven't had as much experience with that queasy feeling, and not with a child. And I have no words of wisdom.
But I will pray for you and your son.
Blessings,
Temple
Freetime said
Apr 14, 2020
Hi, PnP, I can relate very much to your dilemma. I too have kids -- and one in particular -- that I worry about, that have anxiety to various degrees, and I know the panic and worry. I know how it feels to see that he has spent all his money, and on things we don't believe are of value. When I see them drink, even a tiny bit, I want to remind them what alcohol did to their father -- but I also know they saw it up close and they do know. I have slipped into lecturing, even when I know it won't do any good. I try one day at a time to not do that. I heard a line recently, that was "when we give our children advice, they take it as criticism" -- and that rings true for me.
What works for me is to pause, to recite the serenity prayer, to quietly "be there" for them so they will know they can come to me and be open with me and I will not lash out at them, I will just listen. I learned that pro-actively giving them money to solve their problem did not make them feel better. It was to fix my feelings, which it did not do.
PnP, you are a great mom! You are doing all the next right things -- contacting your sponsor, recognizing your motives. I totally understand reacting based on how someone else behaved in the past. I have slipped down that slope too, at times.
This is a rough patch, but I believe you will come through it stronger because you are walking with the program beside you.
Bo said
Apr 14, 2020
I'll preface my comments first on the topic of "we don't give advice" and all that goes on in and around that. First, I don't agree. We share our experience, our strength, and our hope...and I feel most people truly don't have a handle on that. Why? Because when I see newcomers "ask questions" people are quick to say "we don't give advice". Oversimplification perhaps, but that's my observation and interpretation. Second, when we share our experience -- if in fact we have experience that's on point -- hopefully, someone is sharing what they faced, what they did, what worked for them, what didn't work for them, what they thought, learned, and more of that. Even if you never say I recommend, I suggest, I would do, you should...even without that...the sharing, by some, might be considered advice. It's insight, perspective, real world past experience. Semantics? Perhaps. If you think so, great, move on, next.
Second, advice can take on many forms and can be in many fashions. If it doesn't get delivered as you should, I suggest, I would do, I recommend, etc. -- it might still be considered advice. It's an option? Is it a for example? It doesn't matter. The beginner is the most important person in the room. Period. That is tantamount to any of the core, foundational principles of the alanon program. It is one of them. Everyone would be doing themselves the best favor possible -- and would be doing for the newcomer as well -- if they remembered that. Period.
Third, when we share our strength, and our hope, that too is based upon experience. It's based upon what strength we had, and have, in our recovery...recovery is what the beginner is looking for...getting better, getting healthy, making the pain stop, the struggle, being at the end of our rope, and climbing back up! Recovery. The same with our hope...the hope we had...and where we are today. What was, and what is. Our hope...sure, if you want to have hope for the alcoholic, that's fine...But the hope...is OUR HOPE...FOR US.
That said, I had time to address the above, and have to run into a virtual meeting. However, I do want to say this...PaP, I hear you. I get it. I am sorry you are facing this struggle...and I will share my experience, strength, and hope with you as soon as I come up for air. For now, lean right into your program. All of the answers are there. Talk soon. All the best.
Iamhere said
Apr 14, 2020
(((PnP))) - oh girl...I am so, so sorry for the worry, anxiety, etc. that comes with parenting. It's there for all parents, no matter IF the disease of addiction/alcoholism is present. I have 2 boys, now 27 and 25. For as long as I have been @ MIP, we'e had starts/stops/relapses/chaos/calm/etc. I rarely bring them 'here' simply because Al-Anon is supposed to be about me - me on my journey to be the best version of me no matter what anyone (including those I gave birth to) are doing, saying, etc.
It's so very hard for a parent to let go of a child. Again, this applies to all parents - no matter if there is disease floating around the family tree. I could spend pages/chapters telling you what did not work out well here. I'd rather share what happened with the last time my youngest returned home. He just moved out 3/1 after being here for a year +.
I think this will be the most helpful experience simply because I did things different than before. I also had boundaries. I also charged him rent. We didn't have the pandemic so that's been 'his' to deal with since he moved out. He did test boundaries and we did discuss moving out because of it. He felt he deserved notice; I disagreed (in my mind) yet compromised. We negotiated 'other' things along the way.
What was better this time? I viewed him as a roommate instead of my child. I had no expectations beyond that. I didn't ask for help, special time, nothing of the sorts. We both went into this knowing this was his last chance to be here, at his family home and that he really was in the driver's seat on how he left - friend or foe. Every other time, it was FOE and he burnt bridges - big time.
Anytime I wanted to ask probing questions, I paused and opted out. Each time, my motives were about me, my disease, my past, my anxiety, etc. Even though he has been in numerous treatment centers, jail, prison, homeless, etc. I kept my fears, thoughts, etc. to my self. For unknown reasons, perhaps (hopefully) because I stayed on my side of the street and allowed him to succeed/fail as an adult, when he did fall hard and relapse with H, he asked for help. This was new behavior for both of us, and I had to swallow that mom part of me that wanted to cry, scream, faint, collapse, and be of service any way I knew how.
As our program tells us, the examples we set matter. Detaching with love vs. with indifference/hate mattered big with my son. He knew that I would not support, encourage, enable any illegal/immoral behavior - here at my home or beyond my home. In spite of the many, many roommate issues we had (he's a slob, I'm a germaphobe/neat freak was one of the biggest) I felt I had no say in how he spent his money so long as I got what he owed me. There were times in the past where I too had suspended rent because of circumstances. I will never do that again as part of being an adult is figuring out who to pay, when to pay, how to pay with limited resources.
You are a good mom! He's a good son. He will be perfectly imperfect, just as designed. Even IF all the signs were pointed to experimenting with mood/mind altering substances, as happened here in the early days, there was nothing I could say/do that would change their journey. My son moved out with money in the bank, an apartment with a roommate and a really good job - all with me just being a roommate vs. a parent with advice, etc.
What my sponsor did suggest was making sure I told him I loved him and was proud of him often because who he is today (not sober) is way better than before. He has depression and anxiety and he flips/flops back/forth between formal medication and self-medication. He's a bright boy, and knows all the risks. If I had the power, there's no doubt I would change parts of his journey, but I don't and can't.
I continue to practice I statements with him - I am worried about you, are you doing OK? When he suggests he's fine and I should not worry, I always respond with a mother's job is to worry. What I need to be on guard for is to not obsessively worry! It is my job as a parent to keep them alive to 18 and make sure they know how to handle life for when I'm gone. I have met or exceeded my expectations and now consider myself a servant WHEN asked. No young person wants unsolicited free advice from a parent.
Seek to understand helps me also. When I was his age, I was just getting sober. In spite of the chaos/near death experiences of my own, and the trouble with the law I was facing, I still didn't think 'old people' had anything of value to add to my life. I desperately wanted to find my way on my own and resented unsolicited advice from my parents, and most all 'old people'.
I love program in action and that's what I see! Nobody is a perfect parent with a perfect child or a perfect parenting plan or perfect program. Everyone is negatively affected in some way/shape/form by this pandemic and there's no manual for any of 'this' - parenting, pandemic, etc. My life goes best when I focus on One Day at a Time, and leave tomorrow where it sits. I can't tell you how many times I called my sponsor wondering if my child would live to see tomorrow, and she's bring me back over and over again to it's Tuesday, 2:05pm, and you're on the phone with me and he's .....
With time in recovery, I can pause and consider what my motives and real fear is about. Most of the time, it comes down to a very, simple thing - I want you to be happy, healthy and whole -- in other words, I am worried about you, are you OK?
(((Hugs))) - trust your program and progress! You got this even if you wonder!
a4l said
Apr 14, 2020
I thought you handled that well. It is his money, I know very few 20 year olds who are good with money, I know I was shocking and even now half the time I can't tell you where I spend it except to say lifestyle inflation, ie when I have more money I suddenly aquire more expensive needs. Then when the proverbial rainy day comes, I'm not sad about my former lifestyle choices just sad that they aren't still able to be excercise. For the moment. Lol! Back to your son. He is following the rules you set for the home. He is communicating honestly with you his vulnerability. These are incredible things to be grateful for, because it sounds like a respectful relationship. Kudos for building that because it's certainly not easy. On the flip side, control is an aspect of our side of the fence. I think it wise to let go of what isn't our business. Your house and it's rules, your business. Him and how he spends his disposable income, his business. Control isn't all bad. But too much of it can result in feeling stifled and reacting in rebellion since it feels like no matter what good you do, someone is always looking for the bad. That's the dynamic I've observed in my own life course anyway. Hope some of it helps and as always take what works and nix the rest.
Bo said
Apr 14, 2020
PaP, again, I completely agree with you regarding the "advice" topic. Not getting answers, and not knowing what to do, under the guise of "not giving advice" is very frustrating. The blanket "go to meetings" answer is not an end-all and cure-all for someone who is struggling right now so to speak. Crisis management can be critical. A person doesn't have to be told what to do, but they can be given others' experience and what worked for them. This in my opinion is not a forum for a simple go to meetings answer, but not giving advice as a blanket defense can certainly short-change people -- especially the beginner. Share experience, strength, hope, etc. -- here, in this forum -- and that helps people, and yes, send them to face to face meetings for the conference approved, official, formal alanon program.
That said, PaP, I went through much of the same with a step-son. There is our program, and there is also being a parent. Can the program help being a parent? Absolutely!!! Without question. But, there is also, being a parent. The program doesn't do it all. I agree with your boundary about the smoking/vaping and drugs in your house. Do people ever think about the potential liability of -- having drugs discovered in our home? Helping him find information about the consequences of drugs is another conversation. I view that as very different than the boundaries. Now, as far as a child's predisposition to addiction -- again, I view that as a different conversation, having nothing to do with boundaries, but certainly an aspect of this that has to be considered. Is that a conversation to have with a child? Yes. Is it a repeating, ongoing, time and time again conversation? Well, that's you call. My experience, my program -- no, it is not.
As far as the present day and the other night -- it's a very fluid, ebb and flow, living, breathing, etc., world when you have an adult/young adult child who lives in the home. You have rules, boundaries etc. -- but you don't control his monies. You provide food, but you can't "feed" him if he doesn't want to eat. Get my point? Yet here, you were, after the fact, questioning why he did, didn't, etc., with regard to his money. However, you "let go" and let him feel the consequences of his own actions...and tried to be supportive, and comforting, while he was suffering a panic/anxiety attack. That's great. That's what our program shows us...how to be there for someone in a healthy and supportive way...but still allow them to feel the consequences of their own actions. That's alanon!!!
So, you did what was appropriate, called for, healthy, etc. -- when you said OK, well, I am sorry you no longer have money. You will have to wait until you get your unemployment I guess." -- and then you went to bed. Backed off? Well, that's where I start looking at my motives. You see, I got to a place where I completely accepted that my step-son was using drugs. I didn't say a word. We were well past that. I found recovery and was healthy. It was sad, I was worried, I didn't like, and more -- but none of that consumed me. Now, when he got arrested and wanted me to find and pay for an attorney, I said no. Did I get blamed that his charges and punishment was worse because he got stuck with a public defender rather than a high-priced legal shark? Of course I did. That's what alcoholics/addicts do. Was he angry at me? Sure. But, that's what alcoholics/addicts do, they get angry at everyone else, blame, use guilt, manipulation, and everything else they can to be in denial and to deflect away from themselves. Did he yell and scream at me? Absolutely. But I was OK with that. Absolutely at peace and OK. Why and how was I OK? Because I worked my butt off being in the rooms of alanon for over a quarter of a century and I did the work!!! Every single day!!! I didn't just show up for meetings. I did the work. I didn't just do readings. I did the work. I didn't just let go and let God. I did the work. I didn't just find a sponsor. I did the work. I worked my butt off...because getting better, getting healthy, MAKING CHANGES from what I was doing before, getting the pain to stop, getting everything that was going on to stop...WAS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD TO ME. So, I did it. It worked. It wasn't me. It was alanon and the work I did...and it worked for me! 90 in 90? I did 180 in 90! I did more than 180 in 90. I went to a meeting a day, for over one year! I spoke to my sponsor, yes, every day, but there were days where I spoke to him many times a day! That man saved my life.
I lived a wonderful life...independent of the fact that my step-son became an addict. I did everything I could...within reason, and in healthy and supportive way...a way that was healthy for me. Remember, I found recovery for the years where I did everything I possibly could no matter what. It didn't work, it never does, and I went crazy and my life became unmanageable and miserable. I was in massive pain. I did the work. I found recovery. I got better. I got healthy.
This is not a passive program. It is a program where people have to do work. It is a program of change -- making change -- if you don't make change, then nothing changes if nothing changes. And, you'll make change when you are ready. People always say acceptance and that they get it. Sure, but it doesn't mean you have to accept unacceptable behavior, or not have boundaries, or wait for someone else to stop doing what they are doing, or wait for someone else to change. No, you can CHANGE. And if a person doesn't they don't.
So, my "advice" -- accept, surrender, and let go...but do so within the confines of focusing on YOU and MAKING CHANGES...in your thinking, acting, reacting, behavior, mindset, perspective, and more.
Who you are does not have to come with reasons why -- and if you are healthy, working your program, following your program and recovery -- then he will not see the old feelings, behaviors, reactions, etc., as being wrong and unjustly directed toward him. Even if he does...that's OK!!! It's what alcoholics/addicts do. You are trying to apply logic to an illogical person. You are trying to apply logic to an illogical situation. At some point -- he will blame you anyway! And that's OK too! Remember, with an alcoholic/addict...no matter what you do...it's never enough!!!
So, reality, one person is going to live in and be in denial...it's either going to be you or him.
Kicking him out is not reality right now. You are numerous steps ahead of yourself. Keep your head where your feet are. Work with your sponsor on this...daily!!! Because it is a day to day thing. It is life. Your life.
You should be troubled by the feeling that you can't trust him in your house. So, what do you do...time to work the program. It's about YOU. Accept, surrender, let go, and those feelings will disappear.
So, that is my advice...I mean wisdom...I mean experience...Take what you like and leave the rest.
-- Edited by Bo on Tuesday 14th of April 2020 04:13:00 PM
mamalioness said
Apr 15, 2020
((((((((((((((((((((((((PnP))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Oh my friend, I wish I could just sit with you fac2fac and just be an "ear" for you....Been in your shoes with the oldest...She would blow through her money...she had great jobs and would mess it up and get fired because her drugs came first...I wasn't in recovery during all this so yea, I enabled her, I fought , pleaded, begged, bargained with her and to no avail....I wanted my cuddly little blondie back and here is this hardened, little stranger I ended up with
the breakthrough for me was when I , tho I always loved her, told her so, listened to her, (I was in reocvery when this happened) and I let her go to jail...she served one year....I prayed till the cows came home that she would get into recovery and she DID...she got into an NA program at the jail.....I was like YES!!!! I will get her back!!! Well the chemicals changed her , she never was the same, tho grateful that she is still sober, she is not working her program anymore and it shows....its like I don't even know her......I'll love her forever, but I don't have to have her so close to me that she pulls me down....IF and I say IF she ever wants to call me, I'll listen, give her love, but consequences for her deeds are on her....letting go with love is hard....detaching with love is hard, but oh so necessary for my serenity.....I can't help anyone if I don't take care of me first and foremost.....She does not want anything to do with me since she quit program and I have to let her go her separate way if that is what she wants....I called, texted and emailed for MONTHS and she refuses to answer so I had to LET GO...Give her to God and LET GO.....
I can't give you advice, just give you my experience and strength and hope and tell you that you are an awesome mom and an awesome person.....I consider you a friend and I am here listening...........I think you are handling this really terrific!!!!!
PosiesandPuppies said
Apr 18, 2020
Well, I sat with this for awhile. I read all your shares, and I so appreciate your views and experience - and if no experience, I received the warmth of friendship from some just offering support! THANK YOU
I am so grateful I have a program today that helps me to make better decisions... you know the old saying, "When we know better, we do better!" So true. I am grateful that I had the tools, and the willingness to use those tools. By initiating The Pause, I was able to come at this from a different angle, not one of REACTION. By pausing, I was able to read the fine ESH from my friends here, and really think about what my sponsor said to me.
The facts: I was triggered, and I went immediately to "old behaviors." That is what stole my serenity. Not anything my son did. Like Iamhere spoke, it WAS all about me. My fears.
Interestingly enough, 3 days after I wrote this and read all of your shares, my son and I had a "car discussion" coming home from getting take-out from our favorite local place. What triggered that discussion was seeing one of our local homeless alcoholics sitting on a corner. I had mentioned about one of them I had not seen in awhile, and I had expressed that I had hoped the COVID didn't get him. Within that discussion, I got some insight on how my son views alcohol and other addictive drugs. I knew that he was excluding weed (he can give me studies and studies on how it's not addictive - BTDT), and for once I didn't try to be "right" or heard. I just listened. Did what he said give me any peace? A little... I mean no one ever sets out to be addicted, right? So for what it was worth, some peace. But in the end, I was able to voice my fears in relation to my house/personal space and how I felt "addicted people" can violate that... how I just didn't want to live in that space anymore. He seemed to take it in and understood my POV... all without naming/blaming him or his choices.
I believe because I was able to Pause, my HP worked for me and my benefit. To borrow Jerry's language of origin; Mahalo Akuna!
Mahalo MIP!
&
Iamhere said
Apr 19, 2020
PnP - I so appreciate the update! You and your son have been in my mind and heart (and prayers). Also, love the way you used your tool box to do the next right thing. Huge (((Hugs))) - keep doing you - looks great on you!
tiredtonite said
Apr 19, 2020
Thanks for the update pnp. Sounds like lines of communication with your son continue to be very good. The love is there and each of you is able to speak your minds without being should on. (((hugs)) TT
PosiesandPuppies said
Apr 20, 2020
Thank you Iamhere and TT for your feedback... I am trying with the best that I have!
Maresie888 said
Apr 23, 2020
I have sat with not saying anything for 3 minths staying wuth ny friend .
I am shocked at his deterioration
I say nothing nada not one peep
I have had my own struggkes with unemployment.
In.March I was unemoloyed for a few weeks.
In 2008.I was unemployed long term for more than 2 years. I worked part time through that
Getting to the point where I say nothing has been very hard for ne
Lettimg other people fall down is very hard for us. When I enabled oeople. When I rescued them I really did want to help
I also did not want to be alone
Making my own plans has been hard
But one thing I am clear on is that I cannot. change the alcoholic
I ser limits these days on how they will affect me
Now the focus of my life is #me#
I went through a lot of hardship.staying herr with ny friend
I believe it was all about being able to.hold to those limits
I never intend to do another rennovation in an apartment complex again. I.am looking to keave the current complex in time.
I have much work to.do .
These days that work does not inckude fiximg anyone but myself
Just me
Mareshe
Iamhere said
Apr 23, 2020
PnP - you are enough and you have enough, One Day @ A Time....that's my mantra and I'm sticking to it!! (((Hugs)))
tiredtonite said
Apr 23, 2020
What I got from your post is that you're working it one day at a time offering loving support rather than losing yourself to enmeshment. What I like about this board is that we support one another, keep learning with one another and shape our own Alanon program to what works best for our own life. That's what I see in your interactions with your son. I like that our program is one of suggestions and not rules. It gives each of us the freedom to take what we like and leave the rest, be responsible for our own choices yet feel safe to admit when we feel a bit shaky and need help. ((((hugs)) TT
Bo said
Apr 23, 2020
Excellent points tiredtonite!!! Yes, that's so important -- one day at a time, as well as just for today. That, and not getting so enmeshed, focused on, obsessed with, the alcoholic, what they are doing, why they are doing it, and so on and so on and so on. Being gentle on yourself is self-care, and yes, as you said, loving and supportive! Everyone's recovery is different. Everyone does what they do, and do so at their own pace, speed, comfort level.
I agree with you completely -- absolutely -- about "suggestions" rather than rules. One of the slogans in alanon is...there are no musts in alanon. I love that slogan! Some people are overly sensitive, even hyper-sensitive about words like suggestions, advice, etc. So be it. I always say take what you like and leave the rest. Regardless, I absolutely agree with you!!!
Way back when, when I was very fragile, vulnerable, afraid, scared, and more...even when I was at the end of my rope...the one thing that never left me was MY desire to own and be responsible for my own choices, decisions, actions, and so forth. Did I ask my sponsor what to do in a given situation? Yes. Did I ask for specific advice, guidance, recommendations, etc.? Yes. But, I didn't have to do it! LOL. I needed and wanted objectivity. I needed and wanted someone who wasn't "in it" to help me. But I still wanted and needed -- and demanded -- to "live and die" by my own sword so to speak. But, that's just me.
Thanks for the post tiredtonite!!!
PosiesandPuppies said
Apr 24, 2020
Thank you TT!! That is how I am trying to live this new life... taking what is useful and nurturing to me, and allowing the chaff to fall away with the breeze! To not be enmeshed in any of my loved one's businesses to the point where it affects my serenity.
I am grateful that I can not only ask my sponsor, but come here and get good feedback... support.
I hope you all enjoy your Friday!! End of a long, grueling, work-week. I am ready to embrace the weekend!!
I am struggling today...
Fair warning, this will be long, but I felt having my process "out there" would not only help me, but maybe a newcomer as well... b/c I know I just wanted some answers when I first joined, but never got straight answers (b/c we don't give advice to others). I get it now, but it was very frustrating at first to know "how to" do something when no one gives advice! LOL!
Let me please state however, this is not advice, but an account of my process of working through my dilemma... buckle up and hold on if you dare!
I have to give some history, b/c I don't talk much about my adult kid here. He is almost 20. He went to college the first year out of high school, but has since dropped out to work full-time. We live in the same house. While going to college, I would provide for his needs, and he could live with me rent-free. Once he began working full-time, I readjusted this arrangement so that he could help me out with rent... it's not much, but I felt it would help him learn as he moves forward with this life. I have worked VERY hard w/my program to understand what is within my hula hoop and to treat him as a young adult. I made boundaries and stuck to them. One of those boundaries was no smoking/vaping and or other drugs in my house. I understood he may partake with this friends elsewhere, but I no longer control him and I hoped that he would make smart choices. I DID help him find scientific information on what certain drugs will do to your brain (including alcohol), and reminded him (ad nauseam at first - 17-18 yrs old) about his potential for genetic predetermination of addiction. He suffers from anxiety. He has previously been to a therapist (for various reasons including an alcoholic father - in high school), but no longer wishes to do so. With the exception of one time I had to restate my boundary, he has been very good about not partaking in my house. He even removes his jackets before coming in the house (after work) b/c he knows I am super sensitive/allergic to cigarette smoke.
Present Day - My son was having an anxiety attack last night b/c of his lack of money and inability to make any (he's been laid off for a month due to COVID). After I calmed him down and discussed positives that will be coming his way (unemployment benefits, stimulus check etc), I realized that he had mentioned he has decimated his checking and his savings account. I ask him, "How could you blow through $500 some odd dollars in 1 month?" He immediately took offense to this and told me that "He's never sharing anything with me again!" I took a step back and told him to hold on, I may have said that with my "mom voice" unintentionally, but I provide all your food/needs and I have suspended your rent payment while you are unemployed. I am just not understanding why you weren't more frugal since I kept telling you this thing was going to be serious and last a long time. I did not say it as a judgment of you or what you may be buying. He told me that he understood, he just has "things" he needs. I said "OK, well, I am sorry you no longer have money. You will have to wait until you get your unemployment I guess." I then backed off and went back to bed.
Problem? I have red-flags popping up all over the place! Many of them triggered by behaviors that my Ex used to do when we were married and he was active in his addictions. Needless to say, my mind raced and I didn't sleep well. This morning I was still fussing over this. So this is what I did:
1. I decided to Pause. I was not going to say anything about this until I calmed down.
2. On the way to work, my little voice (HP) said, "Why don't you call your sponsor?" So I texted her. Her answer was short, as she had been called to work in NY. "Check your motives for saying anything," she said.
3. So I began to peel away at the "Why"s" of me wanting to discuss this with my son. What I found out was that I was operating from a place of FEAR and wanted to JADE. I had no concrete evidence that my son was spending his money on drugs. Even if he did spend it on weed, it doesn't mean he is an addict. And, even if I did bring this up with him, I will never know if he will tell me the truth (or some half-truth). My problem was that I was feeling all the old feelings from living with an addict: wondering where all the money was going, knowing 2 + 2 did not add up to 4, but being gas-lit, and feeling like I will need to start hiding my money/valuables b/c I know an addict will do anything. These OLD FEELINGS are what I want to get rid of! I also felt that he needed to know where my anxiety stems from. You see, I have never fully disclosed to him what his father did in our relationship b/c I wanted him to have an opportunity to have an unbiased (except for his own) relationship with his father. But I feel like without the reasons why I feel the way I do, he will see these old feelings/behaviors as wrong and unjustly directed to him. In reality, I know that I cannot control him. I understand that I may not get the answer I want, and even if I do, I probably won't believe him. Or worse yet, I'll be all too happy to believe him b/c living in denial would be easier than enforcing my boundary and kicking him out. What kind of mother kicks their kid out during a pandemic?
So even though I have paused... contacted my sponsor and taken her advice, I still am troubled by the feeling that I can't trust my son in my house... all because of some red flags and the POSSIBILITY that he may have spent all his savings on cigarettes/vape/weed.
If you are still with me, are there any thoughts/ESH from those who have walked this path before?
Thank you, and
and good health to ya!
Greetings PnP and for your share. There is so much evidence of you continuing to work the programme in such a positive and inspirational way.
My experience is actually based on one of your tag lines. I have two children now old enough to drink (18 here in the UK) and another nearly 16 year old going off to various parties where other parents believe it is ok to allow alcohol which I have found out after the party (actually from my son who has chosen not to drink there). I know that both of my older two have got drunk (as would many 19 and 20 year olds) and my natural reaction before I checked my feelings was they are on the start of the same path as their AF. (Incidentally both of the older two did know the depths of what was happening with my AH as pre programme I enlisted their 'help' in searching for the bottles, persuading, arguing and all the rest of the negative behaviours I engaged in).
One of the things which helped me was your tag line (which I never heard before reading this here), which I have now been using regularly for the last 3 years or so and asking myself which wolf I was feeding and I was invariably feeding my inner anxious wolf, whilst the serenity wolf went hungry. I knew with my older two that I could so easily start to feed the anxiety wolf and that I would lose my peace in the process when I actually have no control over them as they are technically adults. I don't have the same red flags as you share, but as you have already reflected on yourself, the Al Anon process is something we use with all people in our lives.
Love and hugs (()) Joanne
Hi Pnp,
I'm glad you shared how you're processing this financial revelation concerning your son. Our program is a simple one that speaking for myself, I can sometimes complicate. I can worry at times about things that never come to fruition. I can project the past onto the present. That leads to obsession, being controlled by a singular thought typically that isn't in the best interest of my serenity or well being. That person, place or thing then becomes my higher power and I am hostage to fear based racing thoughts.
What I've noticed from reading your posts about your relationship with your son is that you have a very good relationship with him. I noticed a lot of very open communication about just about everything. I may be wrong but from what I've read I sense there is real trust between you. I think with any of our loved ones all we can offer is our availability to "talk to each other, reason things out with one another." With that said, we can't make someone else willing to be willing if they've changed their mind, thrown a rock in the path and are blocking us. This is especially the time when I pray and ask my higher power for wisdom concerning the next right action. This usually works reasonably well for me. I know because I often feel more serene, more aware of how inadequate my will is as compared to my hp's will for me. It's a way of sitting with feelings and letting them pass through me. I can admit my fears to my hp and my fears for those I love and ask for help. I tend to like the 3rd step prayer because it helps me to better see an alignment between my hp's will for me and my own. Sometimes my mind can be so off to the races that I need instructions literally.
I know that I have boundaries in place and sometimes have to adjust them boundaries according to how I'm feeling. It's my life and my right do so. Better safe than sorry. I don't JADE. If a decision affects someone else, simply saying that this is something I gave thought and decided is respectfully letting them know in case they need to put something in place concerning themself. I don't need to engage in a back of forth tug of war of wills.
I need to be very mindful of codependency, simbiotic relationships. Is the interdependence healthy? This is where putting Alanon into practice becomes so important. In stressful times in particular close relationships, I tend to need to identify what I'm really feeling. Love, pity and enmeshment can become a ball of confusion. I learned a long time ago in this program that my boundaries need to be the same no matter what my relationship to the other person. This can be very difficult to adhere to at times but for myself anyway, my the measure of serenity and health are sometimes connected to my ability to say what I mean, mean what I say and not saying it mean. I want to keep in mind that such practices aren't selfish, they're self preservation.
Thanks for sharing (((pnp)))) I hope you have a good day today and will do something especially nurturing for yourself. TT
Oh Dear Posies--
I haven't had as much experience with that queasy feeling, and not with a child. And I have no words of wisdom.
But I will pray for you and your son.
Blessings,
Temple
What works for me is to pause, to recite the serenity prayer, to quietly "be there" for them so they will know they can come to me and be open with me and I will not lash out at them, I will just listen. I learned that pro-actively giving them money to solve their problem did not make them feel better. It was to fix my feelings, which it did not do.
PnP, you are a great mom! You are doing all the next right things -- contacting your sponsor, recognizing your motives. I totally understand reacting based on how someone else behaved in the past. I have slipped down that slope too, at times.
This is a rough patch, but I believe you will come through it stronger because you are walking with the program beside you.
Second, advice can take on many forms and can be in many fashions. If it doesn't get delivered as you should, I suggest, I would do, I recommend, etc. -- it might still be considered advice. It's an option? Is it a for example? It doesn't matter. The beginner is the most important person in the room. Period. That is tantamount to any of the core, foundational principles of the alanon program. It is one of them. Everyone would be doing themselves the best favor possible -- and would be doing for the newcomer as well -- if they remembered that. Period.
Third, when we share our strength, and our hope, that too is based upon experience. It's based upon what strength we had, and have, in our recovery...recovery is what the beginner is looking for...getting better, getting healthy, making the pain stop, the struggle, being at the end of our rope, and climbing back up! Recovery. The same with our hope...the hope we had...and where we are today. What was, and what is. Our hope...sure, if you want to have hope for the alcoholic, that's fine...But the hope...is OUR HOPE...FOR US.
That said, I had time to address the above, and have to run into a virtual meeting. However, I do want to say this...PaP, I hear you. I get it. I am sorry you are facing this struggle...and I will share my experience, strength, and hope with you as soon as I come up for air. For now, lean right into your program. All of the answers are there. Talk soon. All the best.
It's so very hard for a parent to let go of a child. Again, this applies to all parents - no matter if there is disease floating around the family tree. I could spend pages/chapters telling you what did not work out well here. I'd rather share what happened with the last time my youngest returned home. He just moved out 3/1 after being here for a year +.
I think this will be the most helpful experience simply because I did things different than before. I also had boundaries. I also charged him rent. We didn't have the pandemic so that's been 'his' to deal with since he moved out. He did test boundaries and we did discuss moving out because of it. He felt he deserved notice; I disagreed (in my mind) yet compromised. We negotiated 'other' things along the way.
What was better this time? I viewed him as a roommate instead of my child. I had no expectations beyond that. I didn't ask for help, special time, nothing of the sorts. We both went into this knowing this was his last chance to be here, at his family home and that he really was in the driver's seat on how he left - friend or foe. Every other time, it was FOE and he burnt bridges - big time.
Anytime I wanted to ask probing questions, I paused and opted out. Each time, my motives were about me, my disease, my past, my anxiety, etc. Even though he has been in numerous treatment centers, jail, prison, homeless, etc. I kept my fears, thoughts, etc. to my self. For unknown reasons, perhaps (hopefully) because I stayed on my side of the street and allowed him to succeed/fail as an adult, when he did fall hard and relapse with H, he asked for help. This was new behavior for both of us, and I had to swallow that mom part of me that wanted to cry, scream, faint, collapse, and be of service any way I knew how.
As our program tells us, the examples we set matter. Detaching with love vs. with indifference/hate mattered big with my son. He knew that I would not support, encourage, enable any illegal/immoral behavior - here at my home or beyond my home. In spite of the many, many roommate issues we had (he's a slob, I'm a germaphobe/neat freak was one of the biggest) I felt I had no say in how he spent his money so long as I got what he owed me. There were times in the past where I too had suspended rent because of circumstances. I will never do that again as part of being an adult is figuring out who to pay, when to pay, how to pay with limited resources.
You are a good mom! He's a good son. He will be perfectly imperfect, just as designed. Even IF all the signs were pointed to experimenting with mood/mind altering substances, as happened here in the early days, there was nothing I could say/do that would change their journey. My son moved out with money in the bank, an apartment with a roommate and a really good job - all with me just being a roommate vs. a parent with advice, etc.
What my sponsor did suggest was making sure I told him I loved him and was proud of him often because who he is today (not sober) is way better than before. He has depression and anxiety and he flips/flops back/forth between formal medication and self-medication. He's a bright boy, and knows all the risks. If I had the power, there's no doubt I would change parts of his journey, but I don't and can't.
I continue to practice I statements with him - I am worried about you, are you doing OK? When he suggests he's fine and I should not worry, I always respond with a mother's job is to worry. What I need to be on guard for is to not obsessively worry! It is my job as a parent to keep them alive to 18 and make sure they know how to handle life for when I'm gone. I have met or exceeded my expectations and now consider myself a servant WHEN asked. No young person wants unsolicited free advice from a parent.
Seek to understand helps me also. When I was his age, I was just getting sober. In spite of the chaos/near death experiences of my own, and the trouble with the law I was facing, I still didn't think 'old people' had anything of value to add to my life. I desperately wanted to find my way on my own and resented unsolicited advice from my parents, and most all 'old people'.
I love program in action and that's what I see! Nobody is a perfect parent with a perfect child or a perfect parenting plan or perfect program. Everyone is negatively affected in some way/shape/form by this pandemic and there's no manual for any of 'this' - parenting, pandemic, etc. My life goes best when I focus on One Day at a Time, and leave tomorrow where it sits. I can't tell you how many times I called my sponsor wondering if my child would live to see tomorrow, and she's bring me back over and over again to it's Tuesday, 2:05pm, and you're on the phone with me and he's .....
With time in recovery, I can pause and consider what my motives and real fear is about. Most of the time, it comes down to a very, simple thing - I want you to be happy, healthy and whole -- in other words, I am worried about you, are you OK?
(((Hugs))) - trust your program and progress! You got this even if you wonder!
PaP, again, I completely agree with you regarding the "advice" topic. Not getting answers, and not knowing what to do, under the guise of "not giving advice" is very frustrating. The blanket "go to meetings" answer is not an end-all and cure-all for someone who is struggling right now so to speak. Crisis management can be critical. A person doesn't have to be told what to do, but they can be given others' experience and what worked for them. This in my opinion is not a forum for a simple go to meetings answer, but not giving advice as a blanket defense can certainly short-change people -- especially the beginner. Share experience, strength, hope, etc. -- here, in this forum -- and that helps people, and yes, send them to face to face meetings for the conference approved, official, formal alanon program.
That said, PaP, I went through much of the same with a step-son. There is our program, and there is also being a parent. Can the program help being a parent? Absolutely!!! Without question. But, there is also, being a parent. The program doesn't do it all. I agree with your boundary about the smoking/vaping and drugs in your house. Do people ever think about the potential liability of -- having drugs discovered in our home? Helping him find information about the consequences of drugs is another conversation. I view that as very different than the boundaries. Now, as far as a child's predisposition to addiction -- again, I view that as a different conversation, having nothing to do with boundaries, but certainly an aspect of this that has to be considered. Is that a conversation to have with a child? Yes. Is it a repeating, ongoing, time and time again conversation? Well, that's you call. My experience, my program -- no, it is not.
As far as the present day and the other night -- it's a very fluid, ebb and flow, living, breathing, etc., world when you have an adult/young adult child who lives in the home. You have rules, boundaries etc. -- but you don't control his monies. You provide food, but you can't "feed" him if he doesn't want to eat. Get my point? Yet here, you were, after the fact, questioning why he did, didn't, etc., with regard to his money. However, you "let go" and let him feel the consequences of his own actions...and tried to be supportive, and comforting, while he was suffering a panic/anxiety attack. That's great. That's what our program shows us...how to be there for someone in a healthy and supportive way...but still allow them to feel the consequences of their own actions. That's alanon!!!
So, you did what was appropriate, called for, healthy, etc. -- when you said OK, well, I am sorry you no longer have money. You will have to wait until you get your unemployment I guess." -- and then you went to bed. Backed off? Well, that's where I start looking at my motives. You see, I got to a place where I completely accepted that my step-son was using drugs. I didn't say a word. We were well past that. I found recovery and was healthy. It was sad, I was worried, I didn't like, and more -- but none of that consumed me. Now, when he got arrested and wanted me to find and pay for an attorney, I said no. Did I get blamed that his charges and punishment was worse because he got stuck with a public defender rather than a high-priced legal shark? Of course I did. That's what alcoholics/addicts do. Was he angry at me? Sure. But, that's what alcoholics/addicts do, they get angry at everyone else, blame, use guilt, manipulation, and everything else they can to be in denial and to deflect away from themselves. Did he yell and scream at me? Absolutely. But I was OK with that. Absolutely at peace and OK. Why and how was I OK? Because I worked my butt off being in the rooms of alanon for over a quarter of a century and I did the work!!! Every single day!!! I didn't just show up for meetings. I did the work. I didn't just do readings. I did the work. I didn't just let go and let God. I did the work. I didn't just find a sponsor. I did the work. I worked my butt off...because getting better, getting healthy, MAKING CHANGES from what I was doing before, getting the pain to stop, getting everything that was going on to stop...WAS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD TO ME. So, I did it. It worked. It wasn't me. It was alanon and the work I did...and it worked for me! 90 in 90? I did 180 in 90! I did more than 180 in 90. I went to a meeting a day, for over one year! I spoke to my sponsor, yes, every day, but there were days where I spoke to him many times a day! That man saved my life.
I lived a wonderful life...independent of the fact that my step-son became an addict. I did everything I could...within reason, and in healthy and supportive way...a way that was healthy for me. Remember, I found recovery for the years where I did everything I possibly could no matter what. It didn't work, it never does, and I went crazy and my life became unmanageable and miserable. I was in massive pain. I did the work. I found recovery. I got better. I got healthy.
This is not a passive program. It is a program where people have to do work. It is a program of change -- making change -- if you don't make change, then nothing changes if nothing changes. And, you'll make change when you are ready. People always say acceptance and that they get it. Sure, but it doesn't mean you have to accept unacceptable behavior, or not have boundaries, or wait for someone else to stop doing what they are doing, or wait for someone else to change. No, you can CHANGE. And if a person doesn't they don't.
So, my "advice" -- accept, surrender, and let go...but do so within the confines of focusing on YOU and MAKING CHANGES...in your thinking, acting, reacting, behavior, mindset, perspective, and more.
Who you are does not have to come with reasons why -- and if you are healthy, working your program, following your program and recovery -- then he will not see the old feelings, behaviors, reactions, etc., as being wrong and unjustly directed toward him. Even if he does...that's OK!!! It's what alcoholics/addicts do. You are trying to apply logic to an illogical person. You are trying to apply logic to an illogical situation. At some point -- he will blame you anyway! And that's OK too! Remember, with an alcoholic/addict...no matter what you do...it's never enough!!!
So, reality, one person is going to live in and be in denial...it's either going to be you or him.
Kicking him out is not reality right now. You are numerous steps ahead of yourself. Keep your head where your feet are. Work with your sponsor on this...daily!!! Because it is a day to day thing. It is life. Your life.
You should be troubled by the feeling that you can't trust him in your house. So, what do you do...time to work the program. It's about YOU. Accept, surrender, let go, and those feelings will disappear.
So, that is my advice...I mean wisdom...I mean experience...Take what you like and leave the rest.
-- Edited by Bo on Tuesday 14th of April 2020 04:13:00 PM
the breakthrough for me was when I , tho I always loved her, told her so, listened to her, (I was in reocvery when this happened) and I let her go to jail...she served one year....I prayed till the cows came home that she would get into recovery and she DID...she got into an NA program at the jail.....I was like YES!!!! I will get her back!!! Well the chemicals changed her , she never was the same, tho grateful that she is still sober, she is not working her program anymore and it shows....its like I don't even know her......I'll love her forever, but I don't have to have her so close to me that she pulls me down....IF and I say IF she ever wants to call me, I'll listen, give her love, but consequences for her deeds are on her....letting go with love is hard....detaching with love is hard, but oh so necessary for my serenity.....I can't help anyone if I don't take care of me first and foremost.....She does not want anything to do with me since she quit program and I have to let her go her separate way if that is what she wants....I called, texted and emailed for MONTHS and she refuses to answer so I had to LET GO...Give her to God and LET GO.....
I can't give you advice, just give you my experience and strength and hope and tell you that you are an awesome mom and an awesome person.....I consider you a friend and I am here listening...........I think you are handling this really terrific!!!!!
Well, I sat with this for awhile. I read all your shares, and I so appreciate your views and experience - and if no experience, I received the warmth of friendship from some just offering support!
THANK YOU
I am so grateful I have a program today that helps me to make better decisions... you know the old saying, "When we know better, we do better!" So true. I am grateful that I had the tools, and the willingness to use those tools. By initiating The Pause, I was able to come at this from a different angle, not one of REACTION. By pausing, I was able to read the fine ESH from my friends here, and really think about what my sponsor said to me.
The facts: I was triggered, and I went immediately to "old behaviors." That is what stole my serenity. Not anything my son did. Like Iamhere spoke, it WAS all about me. My fears.
Interestingly enough, 3 days after I wrote this and read all of your shares, my son and I had a "car discussion" coming home from getting take-out from our favorite local place. What triggered that discussion was seeing one of our local homeless alcoholics sitting on a corner. I had mentioned about one of them I had not seen in awhile, and I had expressed that I had hoped the COVID didn't get him. Within that discussion, I got some insight on how my son views alcohol and other addictive drugs. I knew that he was excluding weed (he can give me studies and studies on how it's not addictive - BTDT), and for once I didn't try to be "right" or heard. I just listened. Did what he said give me any peace? A little... I mean no one ever sets out to be addicted, right? So for what it was worth, some peace. But in the end, I was able to voice my fears in relation to my house/personal space and how I felt "addicted people" can violate that... how I just didn't want to live in that space anymore. He seemed to take it in and understood my POV... all without naming/blaming him or his choices.
I believe because I was able to Pause, my HP worked for me and my benefit. To borrow Jerry's language of origin; Mahalo Akuna!
Mahalo MIP!
I agree with you completely -- absolutely -- about "suggestions" rather than rules. One of the slogans in alanon is...there are no musts in alanon. I love that slogan! Some people are overly sensitive, even hyper-sensitive about words like suggestions, advice, etc. So be it. I always say take what you like and leave the rest. Regardless, I absolutely agree with you!!!
Way back when, when I was very fragile, vulnerable, afraid, scared, and more...even when I was at the end of my rope...the one thing that never left me was MY desire to own and be responsible for my own choices, decisions, actions, and so forth. Did I ask my sponsor what to do in a given situation? Yes. Did I ask for specific advice, guidance, recommendations, etc.? Yes. But, I didn't have to do it! LOL. I needed and wanted objectivity. I needed and wanted someone who wasn't "in it" to help me. But I still wanted and needed -- and demanded -- to "live and die" by my own sword so to speak. But, that's just me.
Thanks for the post tiredtonite!!!
I am grateful that I can not only ask my sponsor, but come here and get good feedback... support.
I hope you all enjoy your Friday!! End of a long, grueling, work-week. I am ready to embrace the weekend!!