Melodie Beattie's Language of letting go___Wanting what you CANT have
mamalioness said
Apr 13, 2020
Melodie talks about the guy who walks into a room/party and falls in love with the ONE woman there who is not available: engaged..married or whatever...he told Melodie about this and she laughed and explained to him that that miserable, deprived places feels so "comfortable and familiar to us" even though we KNOW it leads to letdown, loneliness, sitting by the phone
Wanting what we cannot have is so common, universal dilemma..She talks about how easy it is to dream up fantasies about how delicious it would be if we could only have that even tho it is impossible...In that way, we don't have to deal with what we have..We don't have to face intimacy and commitment and love
So the goal, she says is to recognize this and ask your HP for courage and wisdom to learn about the true delights of real and available and requited loved.....
She says if we begin yearning for something we canot have, we don't have to take ourselves so seriously and we can see it for what it is and just enjoy a giggle and MOVE ON
******************************************
I STILL do this, not as bad, but still do this...fantasize about a guy I will NEVER have...a power figure I see on tv, or a movie or a public figure who is STRONG....the protector...the strong man, so to speak....fearless...makes me safe AND loved.....oh yea, wanting what could never be.....Tho no where near as bad as i was, I still see myself going into fantasy here and there.....and NOW I can see why....fear of a real relationship?? fear of a real intimacy??? Fear I won't be able to hold up my end of the relationship?????? Maybe I'm not recovered enough?? not healthy enough??? just seeing my questions tell me that I am still doubting myself...Still not sure of me...Tho better, I still need work....
JerryF said
Apr 13, 2020
Aloha Rose and thanks for the input which was real for me as much as Melody was also. She is great and helped my recovery commence and continue over time. For me it wasn't wanting what I could not have; it was wanting and craving what ought not have. I married alcoholics and addicts and continued dating them over and over again. I didn't know anything about alcoholism at those times and truthfully more than several of them chased my own drinking.
Today it isn't about what I can't have. It's about knowing what I should not have at all. (((((hugs)))))
Bettertomorrow said
Apr 14, 2020
Thank you for the share Rose.
Certainly for me it's about wanting what I don't have - currently in lockdown with AH who because of the restrictions can't get the alcohol he is used to and as a consequence I am seeing glimpses of the man I originally fell in love with - awake and engaging more with the family - so what I want is that husband back permanently.
However, he is still in full blown denial, so I am guarding against thinking this mirage I can see before me now is a permanent thing. It would be so easy to slip into my own denial and think it's going to be different this time, but for the moment I am just enjoying the moments we do have, understanding that once the world goes back to 'normal' our lives will probably diverge again.
I am not sure whether I even like these glimpses - in a way it is like a torture. My focus needs to stay on me whatever he is doing, but it is hard.
Lyne said
Apr 14, 2020
First, I have not been able to understand why Melody Beatties books are not CAL. I think they are wonderful resources, especially helpful on the codependency stuff for me.
I stay with my A of 28 years for a variety of reasons, some which are valid and some are just plain fear-based as I dont think I can tolerate being hurt again. I dont want to be vulnerable again. I have made poor choices my entire life. What I have now with a dry drunk runs our household well, I live half time upstate near my son, the dogs go back and forth with me, and its not a bad a life. But is it healthy? Of course not. I too, need much more work with the focus on myself, and need to keep coming back to alanon every single day. Lyne
tiredtonite said
Apr 14, 2020
Thanks ((Rose))) for sharing this reading. This book and her second More Language... are part of my daily readings. Alanon's Courage to Change also addresses this topic under Fantasy/Illusions if anyone would like extended reading.
When I was married to someone using drugs and alcohol, there was a tremendous feeling of loneliness and longing for an emotionally available partner. Although I've never been one to read romance novels, I can see how people might turn to them for a reprieve from the loneliness of living with someone steeped in alcoholism. Since alcoholism can be a family disease affecting multiple generations, it's easy to see how looking to happily ever after movies, books etc. could become the model for what a normal relationship looks like.
Thankfully, with recovery I was able to shed the desire to be a perfect partner and attain one. Additionally, getting to know myself first has been essential for having healthy relationships with friends and loved ones. I can't attract what I what I really want and need if I'm not looking any deeper than superficial fullfillment. That superficial fulfillment in the early years for me was a way of keeping control as not to get hurt. It also stemmed from fear of the unknown. I'd become accustomed to a distancing spouse which caused me to question my ability to fully show up in a relationship. Could I trust myself to know whether I was with a safe person and put myself first if I wasn't. Alanon tools related to self worth, self esteem, self love were so important for me as a newcomer as well as a loving sponsor who validated my feelings of vulnerability and became a trusted friend. I risked to let her in and trust her with my stuff. That in itself was tremendous progress at the time.
One issue I use to have concerning a romantic partner was that I believed a partner was an unromantic partner if I had to tell them what I wanted and needed. I thought if we were really connected.. you know "soulmates" pffft lol they would be a mindreader and just fulfill my heart's desire. You know .. just like in the movies. Alanon, from the time we first enter the rooms offers us an opportunity to regain our voice and ask for help, for what we want, what we need and be mindful of and respecting of possible differing wants and needs of others. It's a bit egocentric to sit by idly in expectation of receiving without regard to the wants and needs of the other. This is something I addressed in my step work - objectifying others for purposes of seeking happiness through people, places and things. It was a misplaced dependency. Today I'm aware of my higher power's presence and guidance in all areas of my life. My desires are simplified by this relationship and my acceptance of myself and others as we are doesn't feel difficult. That's not to say difficulties don't arise. I just feel today I'm more grounded due to the program in what has true value and what doesn't when it comes to enjoying and valuing relationships.
I've heard it said in Alanon, People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime and it's up to me decide which. I think my higher power and where I am at as far as my recovery journey has a lot to do with that. I can only hope to grow in a positive direction, be of service and attract positive healthy people and outcomes. ((hugs)) TT
Iamhere said
Apr 14, 2020
By the grace of God, I rarely today wonder why I can't have what I want! I did live that way for a long, long, long, long while and it was exhausting and quite unpleasant. What works well for me today is to realize I really, really have all that I need....and to find gratitude for each blessing in my life.
Lyne - I hear you! We celebrate 29 years of marriage this month. There's been some down-right difficult, I wanted to kill him or run away times yet here we are. I have total peace with my stay now and have for a while. I keep my focus on me, and can say that we are doing better than ever before. He's finally growing into retirement and figuring out that I am 'not the enemy'. It's taken a long while, and we are far from a perfect marriage but I don't think there is such a thing. Unconditional love and acceptance has really helped me find the many things that brought us together in the first place. We actually golfed together 3 times last week and he invited me today! Trust me when I say, my first thought was he was dying or something because he does NOT usually want to golf with me!!!
I have Melody books here and haven't picked them up in years. At the time I read them, I struggled to understand/apply things to 'me' as I felt I had to self-diagnose to 'get well'. I'm in a different place today and yet I still do not like labels and believe that I (and all) have many different 'things' we are and do that make us unique. Where I (and others) get in trouble is when we add the OBSESS action to 'it' or 'them'.
I can readily say that I no longer enter a room, and immediately go stand and engage the sickest person there! I've grown a little bit, and am grateful because that former pattern was so frustrating and tiring. Love and light all!
mamalioness said
Apr 14, 2020
thanks Iamhere for your share....it was great.... and I, too am arriving at a different place...More grateful for what I already HAVE...and also I can see, in my steps 4/10, assets along with the liabilities.... and i agree...being Obsessed over anyone/thing is where I used to get into trouble.....
My toxic people radar is working well now, i can spot the unhealthy ones and stay away....my "picker" is much healthier now....
and TT , you are spot on about what you say here "shed the desire to be a perfect partner and attain one. Additionally, getting to know myself first has been essential for having healthy relationships with friends and loved ones" AMEN, sister!!!! when i got shed of that, I am so much more accepting of just being human....AND my goal, my #1, priority is to get to know me more and more and connect to my HP on the same note....
I too, need much more work with the focus on myself, and need to keep coming back to alanon every single day. Lyne
((((((Lyne)))))) I am so glad you are here and you are so honest about why you stay with your A.....I, too, even tho I am so much better, I fear messing up again if I ever DID find a partner....I'm just going ODAT, knowing myself, reconciling with myself...that is enough right now....if HP has a partner for me??? he is going to have to DUMP the guy on me as I am not looking...I want to work on me, every day, show up and work my program
Bettertomorrow I am not sure whether I even like these glimpses - in a way it is like a torture. My focus needs to stay on me whatever he is doing, but it is hard....................I hear ya...keeping the focus on me while everything around me goes nuts, is a full time job....doing what I can do not to project...work is going half way well considering the virus....HP has me covered and meeting my needs......and I am glad you are focusing on you and letting him do what he is doing as you detach.....and yea, I know its hard....Been there...done that....
and dear brother Jerry "I married alcoholics and addicts and continued dating them over and over again.
Today it isn't about what I can't have. It's about knowing what I should not have at all. "
Me too, brother...kept pickign what was "comfortable" even tho it was NOT comfortable...I didn't know any better nor did I think I deserved any better...and my "should not have at all" is the illusion that I have any control over anything outside of me...as I struggle with codependency and addiction to control....DAILY working my program and constant alignment with my HP keeps me in step 3 mode.........
LOVED all your shares, everybody!!!!!!
Maresie888 said
Apr 14, 2020
As someone.who grew up with a family who did me terrible.damage longing for.love.was.pretty powerful. Believing I could hold on until I got some of what I needed was a way to survive. Surviving is honorable. Surviving is enough. Surviving is something to applaud
The ex.A when I met him the qualifier who brought me finally into these rooms was very helpful to me in the beginning. He could.kist certainly load on the attentive sweetness when it suited him
When he was working with a dentist he was particularly charming and engaging. All the stuff we dream of. Then he had this side that was willful, deliberately withholding and completely self destructive
Talk about Jekyl and Hyde. He had the whole world.convinced I was the problem. I was the enemy
I got engaged in that like a.stucky trap. How are you supposed.to learn boundaries when you grow up with people who.have.none whatsoever?
Put down the stick on that you are not recovered. Your contemporaries are out creating absolute havoc in the world. They have very different lives from you .
The fact you are able to have deep.meaningful relationships with others is.nothing short of a miracle
You managed to cobble together a lot in your life. In the survival Olympics you have won a couple of gold medals already
I am glad to know you be encouraged by you and be.in recovery with you everyday
Maresie
mamalioness said
Apr 14, 2020
((((((((((((Maresie)))))))))))))) you said "As someone.who grew up with a family who did me terrible.damage longing for.love.was.pretty powerful. Believing I could hold on until I got some of what I needed was a way to survive. Surviving is honorable. Surviving is enough. Surviving is something to applaud"
I hear ya, BOY do I hear ya, I think this is part of my need to fantasize back in my dark days, (Still do it from time to time but NOWHERE near as much) the need to be loved....and I too, grew up in a family who did terrible damage to me...yes, I was love starved...dying to be held, loved, validated, wanted, appreciated....ALL the things a child needs to thrive, I was deprived of....coming here I found out that I am ENOUGH...Just the way I am...Finding my great church, this last Dec. was the cherry on top of the cake...lots of love and sharing and caring...I miss it with the virus going on, but I still experience love with my loved ones over the phone, my neighbors and I looking out for each other, and coming here and seeing folks like you and learning so much from you all....
Maresie, you are awesome...So glad that I know you and get to share recovery with you..........XOXO
Melodie talks about the guy who walks into a room/party and falls in love with the ONE woman there who is not available: engaged..married or whatever...he told Melodie about this and she laughed and explained to him that that miserable, deprived places feels so "comfortable and familiar to us" even though we KNOW it leads to letdown, loneliness, sitting by the phone
Wanting what we cannot have is so common, universal dilemma..She talks about how easy it is to dream up fantasies about how delicious it would be if we could only have that even tho it is impossible...In that way, we don't have to deal with what we have..We don't have to face intimacy and commitment and love
So the goal, she says is to recognize this and ask your HP for courage and wisdom to learn about the true delights of real and available and requited loved.....
She says if we begin yearning for something we canot have, we don't have to take ourselves so seriously and we can see it for what it is and just enjoy a giggle and MOVE ON
******************************************
I STILL do this, not as bad, but still do this...fantasize about a guy I will NEVER have...a power figure I see on tv, or a movie or a public figure who is STRONG....the protector...the strong man, so to speak....fearless...makes me safe AND loved.....oh yea, wanting what could never be.....Tho no where near as bad as i was, I still see myself going into fantasy here and there.....and NOW I can see why....fear of a real relationship?? fear of a real intimacy??? Fear I won't be able to hold up my end of the relationship?????? Maybe I'm not recovered enough?? not healthy enough??? just seeing my questions tell me that I am still doubting myself...Still not sure of me...Tho better, I still need work....
Aloha Rose and thanks for the input which was real for me as much as Melody was also. She is great and helped my recovery commence and continue over time. For me it wasn't wanting what I could not have; it was wanting and craving what ought not have. I married alcoholics and addicts and continued dating them over and over again. I didn't know anything about alcoholism at those times and truthfully more than several of them chased my own drinking.
Today it isn't about what I can't have. It's about knowing what I should not have at all. (((((hugs)))))
Thank you for the share Rose.
Certainly for me it's about wanting what I don't have - currently in lockdown with AH who because of the restrictions can't get the alcohol he is used to and as a consequence I am seeing glimpses of the man I originally fell in love with - awake and engaging more with the family - so what I want is that husband back permanently.
However, he is still in full blown denial, so I am guarding against thinking this mirage I can see before me now is a permanent thing. It would be so easy to slip into my own denial and think it's going to be different this time, but for the moment I am just enjoying the moments we do have, understanding that once the world goes back to 'normal' our lives will probably diverge again.
I am not sure whether I even like these glimpses - in a way it is like a torture. My focus needs to stay on me whatever he is doing, but it is hard.
I stay with my A of 28 years for a variety of reasons, some which are valid and some are just plain fear-based as I dont think I can tolerate being hurt again. I dont want to be vulnerable again. I have made poor choices my entire life. What I have now with a dry drunk runs our household well, I live half time upstate near my son, the dogs go back and forth with me, and its not a bad a life. But is it healthy? Of course not. I too, need much more work with the focus on myself, and need to keep coming back to alanon every single day. Lyne
Thanks ((Rose))) for sharing this reading. This book and her second More Language... are part of my daily readings. Alanon's Courage to Change also addresses this topic under Fantasy/Illusions if anyone would like extended reading.
When I was married to someone using drugs and alcohol, there was a tremendous feeling of loneliness and longing for an emotionally available partner. Although I've never been one to read romance novels, I can see how people might turn to them for a reprieve from the loneliness of living with someone steeped in alcoholism. Since alcoholism can be a family disease affecting multiple generations, it's easy to see how looking to happily ever after movies, books etc. could become the model for what a normal relationship looks like.
Thankfully, with recovery I was able to shed the desire to be a perfect partner and attain one. Additionally, getting to know myself first has been essential for having healthy relationships with friends and loved ones. I can't attract what I what I really want and need if I'm not looking any deeper than superficial fullfillment. That superficial fulfillment in the early years for me was a way of keeping control as not to get hurt. It also stemmed from fear of the unknown. I'd become accustomed to a distancing spouse which caused me to question my ability to fully show up in a relationship. Could I trust myself to know whether I was with a safe person and put myself first if I wasn't. Alanon tools related to self worth, self esteem, self love were so important for me as a newcomer as well as a loving sponsor who validated my feelings of vulnerability and became a trusted friend. I risked to let her in and trust her with my stuff. That in itself was tremendous progress at the time.
One issue I use to have concerning a romantic partner was that I believed a partner was an unromantic partner if I had to tell them what I wanted and needed. I thought if we were really connected.. you know "soulmates" pffft lol they would be a mindreader and just fulfill my heart's desire. You know .. just like in the movies. Alanon, from the time we first enter the rooms offers us an opportunity to regain our voice and ask for help, for what we want, what we need and be mindful of and respecting of possible differing wants and needs of others. It's a bit egocentric to sit by idly in expectation of receiving without regard to the wants and needs of the other. This is something I addressed in my step work - objectifying others for purposes of seeking happiness through people, places and things. It was a misplaced dependency. Today I'm aware of my higher power's presence and guidance in all areas of my life. My desires are simplified by this relationship and my acceptance of myself and others as we are doesn't feel difficult. That's not to say difficulties don't arise. I just feel today I'm more grounded due to the program in what has true value and what doesn't when it comes to enjoying and valuing relationships.
I've heard it said in Alanon, People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime and it's up to me decide which. I think my higher power and where I am at as far as my recovery journey has a lot to do with that. I can only hope to grow in a positive direction, be of service and attract positive healthy people and outcomes. ((hugs)) TT
Lyne - I hear you! We celebrate 29 years of marriage this month. There's been some down-right difficult, I wanted to kill him or run away times yet here we are. I have total peace with my stay now and have for a while. I keep my focus on me, and can say that we are doing better than ever before. He's finally growing into retirement and figuring out that I am 'not the enemy'. It's taken a long while, and we are far from a perfect marriage but I don't think there is such a thing. Unconditional love and acceptance has really helped me find the many things that brought us together in the first place. We actually golfed together 3 times last week and he invited me today! Trust me when I say, my first thought was he was dying or something because he does NOT usually want to golf with me!!!
I have Melody books here and haven't picked them up in years. At the time I read them, I struggled to understand/apply things to 'me' as I felt I had to self-diagnose to 'get well'. I'm in a different place today and yet I still do not like labels and believe that I (and all) have many different 'things' we are and do that make us unique. Where I (and others) get in trouble is when we add the OBSESS action to 'it' or 'them'.
I can readily say that I no longer enter a room, and immediately go stand and engage the sickest person there! I've grown a little bit, and am grateful because that former pattern was so frustrating and tiring. Love and light all!
My toxic people radar is working well now, i can spot the unhealthy ones and stay away....my "picker" is much healthier now....
and TT , you are spot on about what you say here "shed the desire to be a perfect partner and attain one. Additionally, getting to know myself first has been essential for having healthy relationships with friends and loved ones" AMEN, sister!!!! when i got shed of that, I am so much more accepting of just being human....AND my goal, my #1, priority is to get to know me more and more and connect to my HP on the same note....
I too, need much more work with the focus on myself, and need to keep coming back to alanon every single day. Lyne
((((((Lyne)))))) I am so glad you are here and you are so honest about why you stay with your A.....I, too, even tho I am so much better, I fear messing up again if I ever DID find a partner....I'm just going ODAT, knowing myself, reconciling with myself...that is enough right now....if HP has a partner for me??? he is going to have to DUMP the guy on me as I am not looking...I want to work on me, every day, show up and work my program
Bettertomorrow I am not sure whether I even like these glimpses - in a way it is like a torture. My focus needs to stay on me whatever he is doing, but it is hard....................I hear ya...keeping the focus on me while everything around me goes nuts, is a full time job....doing what I can do not to project...work is going half way well considering the virus....HP has me covered and meeting my needs......and I am glad you are focusing on you and letting him do what he is doing as you detach.....and yea, I know its hard....Been there...done that....
and dear brother Jerry "I married alcoholics and addicts and continued dating them over and over again.
Today it isn't about what I can't have. It's about knowing what I should not have at all. "
Me too, brother...kept pickign what was "comfortable" even tho it was NOT comfortable...I didn't know any better nor did I think I deserved any better...and my "should not have at all" is the illusion that I have any control over anything outside of me...as I struggle with codependency and addiction to control....DAILY working my program and constant alignment with my HP keeps me in step 3 mode.........
LOVED all your shares, everybody!!!!!!
I hear ya, BOY do I hear ya, I think this is part of my need to fantasize back in my dark days, (Still do it from time to time but NOWHERE near as much) the need to be loved....and I too, grew up in a family who did terrible damage to me...yes, I was love starved...dying to be held, loved, validated, wanted, appreciated....ALL the things a child needs to thrive, I was deprived of....coming here I found out that I am ENOUGH...Just the way I am...Finding my great church, this last Dec. was the cherry on top of the cake...lots of love and sharing and caring...I miss it with the virus going on, but I still experience love with my loved ones over the phone, my neighbors and I looking out for each other, and coming here and seeing folks like you and learning so much from you all....
Maresie, you are awesome...So glad that I know you and get to share recovery with you..........XOXO