Hi y'all...

               ...these weeks at home were a time to clean up my den, my garage, and my back yard.

There is a great seat of shame on my heart- which refuses to budge- and this is something I am focused on, at this time.

I was not beaten or raped- though one incident in my childhood left me feeling emasculated. Clutter and rubbish beset my formative years.

I used to believe that the experiences of my growing years were set indelibly on my brain. But i have now set over half of my life in Alanon- and memories and impressions- of the second half of my life are both rich and deep.

Latterly we have bought our three kids and families together through messenger- and we share and celebrate the baking and craft work.

I could share forever and ever about how to life my shame. My daily step 11's help a lot and I use a précised of the programme... Poco a poco, paso a paso, did por dia... little by little, step by step, day by day.

I need to finish a book I started. I did heaps of research, and got lots of relevant texts through e-Bay. I may be on the spectrum, somewhat- and always manage to winkle out all sorts of information from obscure and hidden sources.

Pay for the printing does hold me back. And the set-backs at the moment- world-wide high mean delays. But hey- the serenity prayer kicks in here... and I can go with the changes. I actually even feel a sense of solidarity with the world- know that everyone world-wide is facing the same challenge.

So, this week I decided on a random strategy. Start at the front- and work to the back.

So big cleanup on the corner just beyond the kitchen window. I got a food feeder- both grain and nectar which hangs in a kowhai tree beyond the kitchen window. This will bring pleasure and appreciation from my SO.

At the moment I am still bit down from the passing of Betty- and the news out our local long timer, Gw. Okay- so brushing this off- is a form of evasion. I am an Alanoner too- and I am not past stopping in the passage and weeping- shedding a few tears- .... This is a part of the healthy future I once only dreamed of!

I think my sharing are not too deeply personal... these issues exist, but I can take them to a daily step 10 and 11... ...they are ongoing- and not road-blocks any more.

But stuff, that we as people deal with... like anger, loss, grief... I do discuss. And, in recent times I have added pleasure, joy and social time, inside of our group time...

I am known and accepted by our local Alanon network- and am ready to pitch in- when or if needed. I have realised recently that i am not an Alanon newbie any more. More like a grand-dad- who would stand in if a chair could not make a meeting. And helping to ensure that the business side keep ticking over. Not a big deal.

The rituals of encounter and rites of passage- which strengthen us all, and enable us to create good flexible boundaries- out of nothing, sometimes. Priceless, and valuable... a gift from out mutual higher power...  ...

Sun just rising over the eastern hills- on a Thursday morning. I have a peach tree out the front. Picked some ripey's last night and processed them. If I stop to think- and reflect- which is a real gift. My life was not always like this- not at all!

...cheers.

Mahalo David and thanks for the lead and I can say that with gratitude while in the past during the 4th step practices I would and could not express that emotion together with the subject.  Owning the consequences of my discoveries of procrastination brought up so much negativity including self hate, shame and depression.

Once I discovered that I could alleviate the negative consequence by taking responsibility for the condition of my life and by practicing responsible planning and ownership for the consequences I realized more freedom in my recovery.  When I stopped blaming others for negative outcomes I could take large breaths of ease and happiness. 

Al-Anon's statement of responsibility shined the light of progress for me.

(((((hugs)))))