I hope everyone is doing well with the circumstances as they are in the world. I have been doing well until just now. Im trying to land and be still. Trying to bring it back to me and find serenity. I know I can chose not to participate in AH craziness. Im finding it hard. Im working from home like everyone else. My daughters school is off as it should be. Were hunkering down and are safe inside from the virus that threatens us all. AH was asked to leave a month ago and was told he cant come back until hes maintained real sobriety if that is even what he chooses to do. The limited times I have been in touch with him for info about my daughter he has been choosing to drink through the month (his choice) alternately saying how important we are to him and cursing me out. Now that the government has shut down the bars he decides to tell me we could have a real situation but he would sober up and come home. I reiterated he is not welcome until and if he maintains real sobriety. The threats begin about him never forgetting this and saying I am wrong for not allowing his chaos back in. He doesnt even care that he could be putting us at risk for whatever he has exposed himself to. He cares only for himself. He keeps blaming me for his situation and hurling the insults. I know I should be detaching with love but my stomach goes sick, my pulse raises and I feel like I cant breath. The panic of his presence is so much stronger than even the world shutting down. I have to catch my breath and get back to the place of strength. I know this is the moment to come here and be in the presence of support and experience. Him on top of everything else is too much.
tiredtonite said
Mar 16, 2020
Hi Sunmustshine,
Glad you're here and doing ok all things considered. Sounds like you are certain about your boundaries concerning your home and his drinking. You have a right to your choice of a peaceful, sane home environment for yourself and you daughter. Sobriety doesn't instantly bring sanity within the family and home. Understandably, not everyone wants to go through the mood swings and sometimes relapses that can at times accompany new sobriety. These are not absolutes but they are possibilities. And along with that, are the fallouts emotionally and financially at times for the family as a whole. He can keep doing what he's doing right? If his own life is important enough to him, he'll keep working it even if he can't get the instant gratification of being back in the home immediately.
I know that sick to your stomach feeling. I gear myself up for the jeckyll and hyde behavior when I call or text my alcoholic sibling. I have to say texting is easier on my ears. A few days ago after texting to ask about his and spouses well-being, I read through a boat load of self pity. The first text said they were both ok. That was the only one I acknowledged by saying I was glad they were ok. Of course I wasn't asked how I am because what is happening to all of us, is somehow greater happening to him. Detachment as you brought out in your post is a wonderful tool.
It did hurt me to not be asked how I am in the midst of all that is going on in the world right now and I shared that with a loved one who is in recovery not to have my feelings validated but more to not stuff hurt feelings, voice it and release it. That's how I work it and how it works for me to let go of the hurt. I was reminded about expectations to which I replied it was more just sadness and disappointment but not surprised by what had occurred. It's certainly not the first time. It's just sometimes we're feeling a bit stronger than other times. This was not one of those times for me. So, I really get it about that icky physical and emotional feeling.
I've found that a great way to regain my serenity is to close my eyes, take a deep breath and imagine that I am breathing in my higher power. Then I breathe out slowly imagining that I'm releasing whatever person, place or thing has disturbed my peace. It's just another way of giving something over to my higher power to take care of it.
I hope you have a good rest of the day. Hang in there. He just wants his way. Don't we all! :) Keep taking care of you. Glad you shared. (((hugs)) TT
Iamhere said
Mar 16, 2020
(((sunmustshine))) - glad to see you here, so sorry for the circumstances that drove you back. These are truly trying times and your fear is (to me) legitimate and real. For me, when I am in need of peace, space and clearness of mind to process, I will block outside distractions. If I can't do that mentally, I will do it physically - separating myself through any means possible to just breathe, pray, breathe, pray until I can slow things down.
Sometimes, the answer is staring us straight in the face, yet we're blinded because of the distractions. Give yourself time to determine what's best and then do it. I can tell you that there have been many times in my experience that boundaries imposed have caused nasty, nasty reactions! I used to prepare for blow-back so I could stand my ground. It's not easy to find sanity and keep sanity with active disease around us, but it is possible.
Love and light - you are not alone and there is hope and help in recovery!
Hi Sunmustshine,
Glad you're here and doing ok all things considered. Sounds like you are certain about your boundaries concerning your home and his drinking. You have a right to your choice of a peaceful, sane home environment for yourself and you daughter. Sobriety doesn't instantly bring sanity within the family and home. Understandably, not everyone wants to go through the mood swings and sometimes relapses that can at times accompany new sobriety. These are not absolutes but they are possibilities. And along with that, are the fallouts emotionally and financially at times for the family as a whole. He can keep doing what he's doing right? If his own life is important enough to him, he'll keep working it even if he can't get the instant gratification of being back in the home immediately.
I know that sick to your stomach feeling. I gear myself up for the jeckyll and hyde behavior when I call or text my alcoholic sibling. I have to say texting is easier on my ears. A few days ago after texting to ask about his and spouses well-being, I read through a boat load of self pity. The first text said they were both ok. That was the only one I acknowledged by saying I was glad they were ok. Of course I wasn't asked how I am because what is happening to all of us, is somehow greater happening to him. Detachment as you brought out in your post is a wonderful tool.
It did hurt me to not be asked how I am in the midst of all that is going on in the world right now and I shared that with a loved one who is in recovery not to have my feelings validated but more to not stuff hurt feelings, voice it and release it. That's how I work it and how it works for me to let go of the hurt. I was reminded about expectations to which I replied it was more just sadness and disappointment but not surprised by what had occurred. It's certainly not the first time. It's just sometimes we're feeling a bit stronger than other times. This was not one of those times for me. So, I really get it about that icky physical and emotional feeling.
I've found that a great way to regain my serenity is to close my eyes, take a deep breath and imagine that I am breathing in my higher power. Then I breathe out slowly imagining that I'm releasing whatever person, place or thing has disturbed my peace. It's just another way of giving something over to my higher power to take care of it.
I hope you have a good rest of the day. Hang in there. He just wants his way. Don't we all! :) Keep taking care of you. Glad you shared. (((hugs)) TT
Sometimes, the answer is staring us straight in the face, yet we're blinded because of the distractions. Give yourself time to determine what's best and then do it. I can tell you that there have been many times in my experience that boundaries imposed have caused nasty, nasty reactions! I used to prepare for blow-back so I could stand my ground. It's not easy to find sanity and keep sanity with active disease around us, but it is possible.
Love and light - you are not alone and there is hope and help in recovery!