I am engaged to be married this summer and my fiance is a recovering alcoholic, along with recreational drugs. He has been sober for over 30 years. This has been a hectic month for us, new, sudden grandchildren, moving parents out of their home into ours. We just remodeled our place and didn't expect parents to move in. News of what's going on around the world affecting our jobs let alone some fear of getting sick and of course everyday ups and downs. Stressful I would say. My situation, I left work very early to come home and figured since he's off from his job today, he'll be asleep so I came in quietly from the back of our home. I turned the corner and lo & beho my finance on the porch smoking a blunt. I was so shocked, stunt and extremely hurt. I stared at him for about 3 minutes before the anger took over. I backed out (he never saw me) got in my car and came back to work. How does this happen after 30 years, someone who spoke highly of his recovery and always willing to help someone else in their struggles? I'm not sure if I want to go home and really not sure if this marriage should take place, is this a warning sign for me or something because if he had a blunt what makes him not want a bottle or even worst a needle in his arm, why should I chance such a life when I can get out now? I love him but I grew up with an alcoholic mother and always said I would never date, have a relationship, or marry anyone that's an addict, can't put myself through those nightmares of my past. Oh, I haven't told him I saw him and he can't lie because I took enough time to catch him on video. Not sure but I heard stress can tip people over, but I didn't see this coming. So sad right now.
Bo said
Mar 12, 2020
Welcome VT. First things first, get to face to face alanon meetings...as many as you can and ask often as you can. You will be in the right place if you are there.
That said, I am sorry you are facing this situation. However, not to compare bad to worse -- better now than after the wedding, or years from now. You discovered something you certainly didn't want to discover. Denial, lying, deceit, and so much more is all part of this disease. What he says means nothing...it's what he does. The truth is the truth. Period. So, what does this mean to you?
You are in a relationship, and scheduled to get married to...an addict. You said you would never date, be in a relationship with, or marry an addict...but you did. Someone who is clean and sober, no matter how long...is still an addict. In recovery, yes. Clean and sober, yes. But still an addict. Try to get past the anger and let go of this. Stand in a place where you can make a quality, intelligent decision. Not one rooted in anger. And if you can't, that's fine too. When you are ready, you'll be ready.
Going to face to face alanon meetings will help you face and handle this situation. Catching him on video, catching him in a lie, etc. -- may seem natural -- however, it is not really healthy for you. As you become familiar and learn the alanon program, you will understand that.
All the best.
Maresie888 said
Mar 12, 2020
Many addicts and alcoholics have different versions of sobriety
Frankly lets look.af Bill W who died from his cigarette smoking.
AA rooms were full of cigarette smoking
In fact the rooms still are full of cigarette smokers. They do it outside
Now is not the time to beat yourself up
If I.were to beat myself up for finding myself in that I would be in a very difficult place.
Now you know. What do you do?
Al.anon.can help
Detachment helps. And detachment means you do not ignore the problem
Detachment gives you some room to maneuver
Going to al anon.can really help you a great deal
Now is the time to put down the stick
Long term sobriety is one thing. I lived with an alcoholic/addict who was in recovery. He never stopped smoking. He died last year in his 50's. It was incredible he got sober but he did not deal with all his addiction. Thst addiction killed him he was a heavy smoker
Be good to yourself at this time. Be kind. Stop.the beating up on yourself
Go to al.anon.for a while and the path ahead gets clearer
Maresie
JerryF said
Mar 12, 2020
Aloha sister and sorry that you are going thru this while grateful you have less surprises for what is going on. Only one of the prayers the fellowship has available to ourselves is the Serenity Prayer which in part includes, "the courage to change the things I/we can". You sound informed and determined where you and your marriage is concerned at the same time as being clear eyed and headed about this disease we are affected with. Are you attending the program and involved in the recovery it offers us? Are you involved in and with the allcohol and drugs of our disease? This is a cunning, powerful and baffling disease which can never be cured only arrested by total abstinence which includes mind, body, spirit and emotions. I cannot half recover from it whether alone as an alcoholic/addict (I am) or as a child of (I am) and spouse of (I am).
I feel with and for you and he and know the consequences of it not being totally arrested. recovery must come first or else insanity and death follow.
I got prayer and best wishes for you and he and will be here when you need more support as the rest of the family will. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
PosiesandPuppies said
Mar 13, 2020
I want to welcome you here, but so sorry for the turmoil you are facing. Addiction is a cunning, soul-sucking disease with tons of collateral damage (as you know).
I tend to agree with what was said about degrees. I have known people who have different "degrees" of addiction. Meaning they were all in recovery, but still smoked cigarettes. Your fiance will always be an addict. So you are already involved w/one despite the declaration.
Only you can know if what you learned is a deal-breaker for YOU. Once you find out and accept, then it is a matter of moving forward with what you know - even though I know the pressures you face right now about impending marriage are so tough to navigate! Actions, not words come to mind here.
What would happen if you decide you want to hold off on the marriage for now? Sounds like you two are already living together, established even. Getting married would just be a legal contract. Take the "More will be revealed" approach.
Wishing for you, clarity of thought.
&
Iamhere said
Mar 13, 2020
(((Terri))) - I am so sorry for your pain and anguish over what you've discovered...this disease is cunning, baffling and powerful. I hope you are able to do some processing, with or without Al-Anon, that helps you find the answers that work for you! I am also sorry for the experience of your youth - there's no doubt you 'qualify' for Al-Anon and the support and ESH would probably give you great insight.
I have experience in the 'other side' - I am also in AA. I've been around quite a while and will share that I have seen it all. I've seen folks who no longer drink but do smoke pot. I've seen others who don't drink or take 'illegal drugs' but abuse prescribed drugs like candy. I could go on and on - all of it way different than I view and value recovery. Yet, I don't judge because recovery in any program is a personal journey and what another is doing/is not doing is not my business and I sure don't want it to affect my own sanity/serenity.
You are certainly at a crossroads and I have no doubt it feels larger than life and completely overwhelming. Both sides of recovery suggest, "To thine own self, be true." Sometimes, there are no simple answers or actions and we really do have to just do the next right thing. At the end of the day, I hope you can put you first and trust that no matter what road you travel, you will survive and be OK.
This disease brings about denial - huge amounts - from all 4 corners of the room. When I am 'blindsided' by a real life event, I really have to Pause long enough to Pray before I proceed. My mind wants to project and anticipate what will follow and quite frankly, we really can't know what the future brings. Being gentle with myself and keeping things as simple as possible really helps me see the facts and then determine my own truths.
I hope you keep coming back - you are not alone!
Hope2020 said
Mar 13, 2020
So sorry to read your post Visible T and you are definitely not alone. What attracted me to 'keep comin' back', was that I instantly knew Alanon folks had been where I was and they knew how to Let go and Let God. They had something I wanted.
One of the worst symptoms of the disease is that it can tell the afflicted person that they don't have the disease.
We are all so incredibly nuanced and complex, but the Alanon suggestions I need to hear clang like a loud bell.
My husband is 32 years sober (although we both were not healthy or serene for a long stretch while not attending meetings for about 10 years). I would have rather lived through a slip of him picking up a substance than live through multi-year dry drunk. We've both been working a consistent program (he AA and me Alanon) for the last 5 years. Life is not perfect, but immensely better!
I love all of the above quotes and posts shared. When I first started Alanon, a suggestion that I liked and used was "Do not make major decisions for 1 year," and that worked for me when considering whether or not to marry 30 yrs ago.
Hope you find some other meetings and keep comin' back, my friend.
"We asked God to help us show the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, 'This is a sick man/woman. ... God save me from being angry. Thy will be done. (Prayers in Big Book, page 67).
-- Edited by Hope2020 on Friday 13th of March 2020 12:11:26 PM
Maresie888 said
Mar 13, 2020
I was with an addict/alcoholic for 8 years
I was also married to an alcoholic for a number of years. After we split up he became sober. His life turned around
Life is indeed stressful. I look for someone who will be in my.corner. I want someone who will back me up rather than let me down
Hope that you are taking a much needed break. In the lead up to the time Inwas getting married the stress was enormous. Therr were a lot of economic reasons for our marriage. Nevertheless the stress was absolutely unbearable
It sounds like you two are at a boiling point with stress. Sometimes people slip into bad habits
My ex husband and my long term ex A relief heavily in smoking blunts
They smoked every day
I do not know the transition for the ex A into.sobriety but he gave it all up. He became a committed AA member attending wherever he was
There is no knowing whether this incident was a #,slip# However given the smell of #weed# it is pretty hard to hide it
I am really sorry that you have to deal with this. I also know given your huge commitment to this relation it is not as simple as walking away
.
When I left the ex A after 8 years it was catastrophic for me. Really really catastrophic. Nevertheless for me the point of his chaos caused me to leave
There is leaving mindfully avd there us leaving in crisis
Maresie
2HP said
Mar 14, 2020
Years ago, I experienced that shock and disbelief of my husband using again after many years of abstinence. It was a crushing blow and gradually destroyed our family. Through Al-anon, my Higher Power saved my sanity.
I am recently re-married. While dating for over 8 years, I had the opportunity to observe what he "relies upon" when life becomes difficult. I am inspired by how quiet and still he goes, not rattled or blown about. He has strong, solid spirituality.
So my ESH is to observe actions, not (meaningless) words. Al-Anon told me to learn all I could about addiction... to do research before committing to (anything)
You can certainly wait until your doubt disappears. Wait until you feel confident again. It's very hard to wait. But I hope you will give yourself permission until you "KNOW" what is best for you.
I am engaged to be married this summer and my fiance is a recovering alcoholic, along with recreational drugs. He has been sober for over 30 years. This has been a hectic month for us, new, sudden grandchildren, moving parents out of their home into ours. We just remodeled our place and didn't expect parents to move in. News of what's going on around the world affecting our jobs let alone some fear of getting sick and of course everyday ups and downs. Stressful I would say. My situation, I left work very early to come home and figured since he's off from his job today, he'll be asleep so I came in quietly from the back of our home. I turned the corner and lo & beho my finance on the porch smoking a blunt. I was so shocked, stunt and extremely hurt. I stared at him for about 3 minutes before the anger took over. I backed out (he never saw me) got in my car and came back to work. How does this happen after 30 years, someone who spoke highly of his recovery and always willing to help someone else in their struggles? I'm not sure if I want to go home and really not sure if this marriage should take place, is this a warning sign for me or something because if he had a blunt what makes him not want a bottle or even worst a needle in his arm, why should I chance such a life when I can get out now? I love him but I grew up with an alcoholic mother and always said I would never date, have a relationship, or marry anyone that's an addict, can't put myself through those nightmares of my past. Oh, I haven't told him I saw him and he can't lie because I took enough time to catch him on video. Not sure but I heard stress can tip people over, but I didn't see this coming. So sad right now.
That said, I am sorry you are facing this situation. However, not to compare bad to worse -- better now than after the wedding, or years from now. You discovered something you certainly didn't want to discover. Denial, lying, deceit, and so much more is all part of this disease. What he says means nothing...it's what he does. The truth is the truth. Period. So, what does this mean to you?
You are in a relationship, and scheduled to get married to...an addict. You said you would never date, be in a relationship with, or marry an addict...but you did. Someone who is clean and sober, no matter how long...is still an addict. In recovery, yes. Clean and sober, yes. But still an addict. Try to get past the anger and let go of this. Stand in a place where you can make a quality, intelligent decision. Not one rooted in anger. And if you can't, that's fine too. When you are ready, you'll be ready.
Going to face to face alanon meetings will help you face and handle this situation. Catching him on video, catching him in a lie, etc. -- may seem natural -- however, it is not really healthy for you. As you become familiar and learn the alanon program, you will understand that.
All the best.
Aloha sister and sorry that you are going thru this while grateful you have less surprises for what is going on. Only one of the prayers the fellowship has available to ourselves is the Serenity Prayer which in part includes, "the courage to change the things I/we can". You sound informed and determined where you and your marriage is concerned at the same time as being clear eyed and headed about this disease we are affected with. Are you attending the program and involved in the recovery it offers us? Are you involved in and with the allcohol and drugs of our disease? This is a cunning, powerful and baffling disease which can never be cured only arrested by total abstinence which includes mind, body, spirit and emotions. I cannot half recover from it whether alone as an alcoholic/addict (I am) or as a child of (I am) and spouse of (I am).
I feel with and for you and he and know the consequences of it not being totally arrested. recovery must come first or else insanity and death follow.
I got prayer and best wishes for you and he and will be here when you need more support as the rest of the family will. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
I want to welcome you here, but so sorry for the turmoil you are facing. Addiction is a cunning, soul-sucking disease with tons of collateral damage (as you know).
I tend to agree with what was said about degrees. I have known people who have different "degrees" of addiction. Meaning they were all in recovery, but still smoked cigarettes. Your fiance will always be an addict. So you are already involved w/one despite the declaration.
Only you can know if what you learned is a deal-breaker for YOU. Once you find out and accept, then it is a matter of moving forward with what you know - even though I know the pressures you face right now about impending marriage are so tough to navigate! Actions, not words come to mind here.
What would happen if you decide you want to hold off on the marriage for now? Sounds like you two are already living together, established even. Getting married would just be a legal contract. Take the "More will be revealed" approach.
Wishing for you, clarity of thought.
& 
I have experience in the 'other side' - I am also in AA. I've been around quite a while and will share that I have seen it all. I've seen folks who no longer drink but do smoke pot. I've seen others who don't drink or take 'illegal drugs' but abuse prescribed drugs like candy. I could go on and on - all of it way different than I view and value recovery. Yet, I don't judge because recovery in any program is a personal journey and what another is doing/is not doing is not my business and I sure don't want it to affect my own sanity/serenity.
You are certainly at a crossroads and I have no doubt it feels larger than life and completely overwhelming. Both sides of recovery suggest, "To thine own self, be true." Sometimes, there are no simple answers or actions and we really do have to just do the next right thing. At the end of the day, I hope you can put you first and trust that no matter what road you travel, you will survive and be OK.
This disease brings about denial - huge amounts - from all 4 corners of the room. When I am 'blindsided' by a real life event, I really have to Pause long enough to Pray before I proceed. My mind wants to project and anticipate what will follow and quite frankly, we really can't know what the future brings. Being gentle with myself and keeping things as simple as possible really helps me see the facts and then determine my own truths.
I hope you keep coming back - you are not alone!
So sorry to read your post Visible T and you are definitely not alone. What attracted me to 'keep comin' back', was that I instantly knew Alanon folks had been where I was and they knew how to Let go and Let God. They had something I wanted.
One of the worst symptoms of the disease is that it can tell the afflicted person that they don't have the disease.
We are all so incredibly nuanced and complex, but the Alanon suggestions I need to hear clang like a loud bell.
My husband is 32 years sober (although we both were not healthy or serene for a long stretch while not attending meetings for about 10 years). I would have rather lived through a slip of him picking up a substance than live through multi-year dry drunk. We've both been working a consistent program (he AA and me Alanon) for the last 5 years. Life is not perfect, but immensely better!
I love all of the above quotes and posts shared. When I first started Alanon, a suggestion that I liked and used was "Do not make major decisions for 1 year," and that worked for me when considering whether or not to marry 30 yrs ago.
Hope you find some other meetings and keep comin' back, my friend.
"We asked God to help us show the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, 'This is a sick man/woman. ... God save me from being angry. Thy will be done. (Prayers in Big Book, page 67).
-- Edited by Hope2020 on Friday 13th of March 2020 12:11:26 PM
Years ago, I experienced that shock and disbelief of my husband using again after many years of abstinence. It was a crushing blow and gradually destroyed our family. Through Al-anon, my Higher Power saved my sanity.
I am recently re-married. While dating for over 8 years, I had the opportunity to observe what he "relies upon" when life becomes difficult. I am inspired by how quiet and still he goes, not rattled or blown about. He has strong, solid spirituality.
So my ESH is to observe actions, not (meaningless) words. Al-Anon told me to learn all I could about addiction... to do research before committing to (anything)
You can certainly wait until your doubt disappears. Wait until you feel confident again. It's very hard to wait. But I hope you will give yourself permission until you "KNOW" what is best for you.